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Inquisitor Santa Presents: Holiday Giveaway


Hohoho, Sharders. I am Inquisitor Santa, and I'm pleased to be allowed to finally write for this site. Just because I slaughtered that barge full of orphans, the administrators think that's "too violent"? Lord Ruler, what a bunch of losers.

Bah. You worldhoppers. I've heard about the legend of your "Santa Claus," and there's not one mention of his obsidian axes. Miserable cretin. I live in the north pole of Scadrial (technically), and you know what I do when I check my Naughty-and-Nice list, I don't give the naughty half-breed children a pile of coal. Though my axe is dark like coal, I suppose.

In any case, I'm here to give you people on the Nice list a few special things: spikes through the eyes. Spikes made of fancy prizes! Unless you're a skaa half-breed, in which case, register in the contest anyways so I can hunt you abominations down! Kill, kill! FEEL THE WRATH OF THE LORD RULER!

...

*pants*

Where was I? Oh, yes, prizes. We have eight spikes--I mean, prizes:

-A signed, numbered copy of The Alloy of Law. I'm being informed that this is in fact #781.
-The Mistborn Adventure Game by Crafty_Games. This tabletop RPG game is set during the Final Empire, so I immediately praise these "Crafty Games" people for their obedience to the Lord Ruler. The RPG also has a short story by Brandon Sanderson himself, as well as some annotations on the creation of it. The game comes out December 15th, and if you win this prize, you'll get a digital copy of the book that day, and a softcover copy when it gets back from the printer. I hear the game is pretty fun. Of course, if you don't go play an Inquisitor, I will go down your chimney and chop your head off.
-A paperback of The Way of Kings. Even as a paperback, it makes an excellent bludgeoning instrument. I give it four out of four bloody obsidian axes for its versatility. It's a good book too, I suppose, but if you aren't killing skaa I don't see much point.
-A Mistborn trilogy box set. Maybe you people think it's popular, but this is a package of heinous heresies against the Lord Ruler. Just know that I'm always watching you...
-A Warbreaker paperback. Too colorful, not enough ash. I like the sword, though.
-A signed copy of Elantris. It's in great condition, not even a drop of blood on any of the pages. Which is a rather bizarre cultural taste of Earth's...
-A full set of the cosmere: Elantris, the Mistborn Trilogy, Warbreaker, and the Way of Kings. I decided not to include Alloy of Law because it is full of even more traitorous lies!
-A set of the four Alcatraz books--Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians, Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones, Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia, and Alcatraz Versus the Shattered Lens. These are more "funny" books, I suppose. Judging from the titles, it looks like Alcatraz fights a lot of people. It's probably not arena-style deathmatch, though... Wait, Alcatraz is on this world? Excellent. I know exactly how to cheer myself up now.

An hour later...

Alcatraz Smedry! Feel the wrath of the Lord Ruler! Wait what are you--

OW LORD RULER HE BROKE MY EYE-SPIKE! WHO EVEN DOES THAT THAT ISN'T EVEN RIGHT!

*pant pant* That's fine, I'll just send him an axe he can't refuse...

What? I'm being informed I can't send a bloody axe through the postal system. Your governments are an abomination to the Lord Ruler. I'm going back to Scadrial to kill some half-breeds now. Bye.

17th Shard's notes:

*Void where prohibited, which is pretty much everywhere except Final Empire, since, uh, it's illegal to stab people's skulls with huge metal spikes. Or anywhere else on the body, for that matter.
**You aren't going to be stabbed. Really.
***We're kidding about the void thing. We'll send the prizes everywhere, even internationally!

To enter, just comment below, and you'll get a chance to win any one of these great prizes. Double entries are not permitted. The contest will end Tuesday, December 6th at noon MST. We hope to get prizes out as soon as possible, before Christmas (Amazon Prime should help with that!) but we should warn you that, if you are international, they may not come in time. We will see when we get there.

Happy holidays, and remember to not kiss under the giant steel spike over your head. That'd just be irresponsible.
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477 Comments

This is great! Thanks for the opportunity!
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Tis the season
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This post is made of utter and complete win. <3
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Ya know, if I actually had a backyard to do it in, I'd make Inquisitor-like spikes. Nice and full sized, with a nice impression of the metal's letter from the steel alphabet on it's head.
I'd sell them with a card telling people that, while Brandon Sanderson is an amazing writer, Hemalurgy doesn't actually work and you shouldn't use the spikes to hurt or kill people. Everyone would listen, right?
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Hilarious post!!! Not to mention awesome prizes!!! :D Side thought... I wish one of the prizes was a coppermind to help me study for my final exams! ;)
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Comment
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Any one of those prizes would make a great Christmas gift, especially to myself!
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Wow, this made me laugh! Thanks for the opportunity to win some stuff!
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I will take two of each! Thank you very much.
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Prizes entered/for masses begging for mercy;/no, says Inquisitor;/the Inquisitor says no mercy/for begging masses for prizes entered

I made a ketek!!!!! I should get a prize just because of that! not really, but I'm just really excited. I MADE A KETEK!!!!!! Alhthough it is not quite right, seeing as there is one error: "begging masses for prizes entered". But its close enough!

Anyway, here is my comment. My question is: What if we make TWO comments? Do we get double the chances, or is it as if the second had never been made?
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I wouldn't mind winning something, but truly, this post was worth reading even if it didn't have a contest attached. :D Hilariously awesome!
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I'd pay to see Alcatraz versus Inquisitor Santa. Just sayin'...
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Oh, and if it wasn't obvious, please prize me. Hemalurgic spikes are delicious and nutritious.
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Oh yes! I would LOVE to get some spiky, Inquisitor infested gifts! :)
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Wasing the prize of having the hope. Reading the trueness of the eligibility. Wasing of the happiness of the self.
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I would like to be entered
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@Tangletalon - We will check for double entries. It's okay to comment more than once here (your posts are all hilarious, guys), but what we won't tolerate is posting today "I'd like to be entered!" and then three days later commenting again, "I'd like to be entered!" You aren't fooling anyone with that, and if anyone tries that they will be disqualified. Make sense?

Also, I have edited in the contest deadline, which is next Tuesday. Sorry about that. I guess Inquisitor Santa distracted me, but come on. Inquisitor Santa is pretty dang distracting...
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Woohoo for a chance for free stuff!
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This would be an awesome Christmas present.
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I'd love one of these
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Sweet.. I always wondered if getting a couple of spikes the hard way from an Inquisitor would actually be painful or not.. Merry Christmas to me!! Mwahahahahaha... wait, prizes? ::sigh:: ..Well, those are pretty cool too, but I've really been wanting those spikes for a while now... Oh well, hopefully sooner or later I'll get my super awesome Hemalurgic spikes....
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I read this post, including the "12 days of Christmas" comment, at 4am last night and for some odd reason was inspired to do this instead of keep working on NaNoWriMo.

A Survivorist Hymn
(to "In the Bleak Midwinter")

In the Final Empire, under stars unshone,
Scadrial stood barren, blackened world of stone.
Ash had fallen, ash on ash, ash on ash,
In the Final Empire, long long past.

Hathsin could not hold him, nor the world contain;
Yet his mists surround us, leave us not in vain
In the Final Empire, strong against its might
Lord of Mists, Survivor, lead us to the fight.

Heirs in spirit, all, if freedom we have sought
Lady Heir to guide us, leading as he taught.
Righteous war knows of no greater strength than this
Warrior Ascendant, borne by the mists.

What have I to offer, to compare with those?
What is strength, but keeping to the path you chose?
In our world’s new dawning, all may do their part,
Stand for life and freedom, with a mighty heart.
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YES!!! No more coal in my stockings! :D
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It's illegal to stab people's skulls with huge metal spikes??

*MOMMMM!!!! Can you help me get these out???*
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Entered!
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