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spieles

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  1. Hrm. So I think none of the above are bad goals, story-wise, but I think you might be taking the competence/likability sliders a little too far in one direction in order to beef up Em and Nic. After all, I want to still like Ne and I feel like right now there's too much complaining coming from her - as opposed to some good fun arguing and sarcasm. Anyhoo, I'll let others way in. I think streamlining the chapter more will also help with this.
  2. Sending you LBLs separately... Big Comments on Chapter 5 - Hrm. My main thought with this chapter is that not much happens other than Ne rubs Em with a cloth, Ne angst a lot over the captain title, and they get permission to land on the planet. None of this is bad, but in toto with the pattern of the three previous chapters, I think it's too slow to hold the reader. We've spent a lot of time on the ship at the point with a lot of character stuff. It's a repeat of the last two chapters: they show up, they see ships, they try to send messages, get a response (though obviously this time the response is better than being fired at). I'm not sure we need any of that, really. I'd definitely consider having them directly receive landing permissions and get down on the planet. Action! I'm not liking Ne's reaction to being called "Captain." It's overblown - especially for someone who has gone through military training and is as strong as she is. Having her feel some sadness or wanting to poo-poo the title would be one thing, but the melodrama with her complaining and Em apologizing makes Ne come off as immature and makes me like her less. Also, I didn't necessarily buy that in a crew of only three members there would be this insistent need to call Ne "captain" outside of formal situations. It came off as a little forced from that direction too.
  3. Hrm. That's a good point about Pascal getting her tattoo. And yes, as for strengthening, I have a whole other revision planned (for the later chapters really) to kind of streamline and beef up the storyline. Lord, revisions are annoying, LOL. Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
  4. Thank you so much for taking the time to read. Brick is totally scary in a wonderful way. And I'm totally still playing with Channing's character - I'm thinking he and Oz in this latest revision will be almost-friends (before making it all the way to friends).
  5. Oh good. I was actually quite worried about this chapter - but maybe it's a nice rest before the storm that starts in the next chapter.
  6. Chapter 3 Notes So I did LBLs and then forgot that my job has security that rips out track changes unless you code it not too - so I'll see if I can resend tomorrow. In the meantime, my comments on Chapter 3... - Nicholas's physical comfort level with Em seems to come out of the blue right now, given that she's, like, right out of puberty with newly bouncy reproductive organs. I'd expect to have much more tension and discomfort between the two of them as Em discovers her sexuality. Note: I LOVE characters figuring out their sexuality. Even if Em still views him as a brother or uncle-figure and wants that affection, I'd expect Nicholas to try and give her a certain degree of space that would be natural for an adult-adult relationship as opposed to an adult - child relationship - or at least for them to have exchanges to discuss the discuss comfort, e.g. "It feels weird sitting next to you. Two months ago I could lift you with one arm, and now, you're ... full grown." To which Em adamantly declares that nothing has changed and she wants CUDDLES okay? - I felt like there were too many interludes of interiority - especially with the bang bang over the head romance - that slowed down the tension when they were in the middle of a space battle. - The romance at this stage is a little too obvious for me. I want to be teased and flirted with. I want so much delicious awkwardness - and I tried to point out where you were banging the drum too hard. - I hated the section where Ne got whiny over her not being able to a thing on the ship. Anger. Frustration. Yes Complaining unprompted? No. - When we get to the part where Ne colors and is embarrassed - I'm so confused by it. Just because she's been avoiding Em? It feels very wishy washy and out of character right now. I'd expect Ne to want to leave and shutdown all over again - except that the high stakes of the situation would stop her from leaving the room. Not become bashful. - With the hundred ships, I didn't really get an impending sense of doom. I'm was too confused by the setup and trying to figure it out. The reader needs more step-by-step spelling out of the stakes here – ideally with dialogue.The assumption based on the previous book is that the Mnuggl, etc. would be attacking Risal. Instead they’re collaborating.Some back and forth dialogue with accompanying disbelief from the characters would be good to give a sense of the galactic stakes here.
  7. So we left off in the last chapter with Oz deciding to infiltrate the Rex and Pascal passing her Brides tryouts with flying colors. Notes: It is no longer Siegfried Aerworks but Siegfried Anan as the head of the major oxygen company. I'm most curious about your reaction to the scene where he explains "the repairs" and if it works. Thanks!
  8. It could be a little bit of WRS, but I still think motives should be felt very specifically in a scene like this, and even if his bigger reasons are the plot of whole other book, the reader should feel their weight deepened in these chapters and I'm not sure that's coming across. I think making it more specific could be done subtly, though. Even if Roamwald's story is a whole other book, he could give Jennie an analogy or a goofy story so that she (and the reader) understand. Personalized stakes, all of that. Like, I like that Roamwald has saved Jennie up to this point but I didn't care about him turning himself over that much in this scene - AND I WANTED TO CARE - i just thought he was an idiot for letting these stupid little men catch him. It was all weakness and no strength. That's really hard to root for.
  9. Thank you for reading with so little context. Yeah, Oz is very understated, and in this scene he's particularly defensive - especially with Channing/Dion. I'm wondering if the reason that this chapter is kind of coming across as "meh" for people is actually because they're dialogue is MISSING key things like direction and is actually sort of vague. There's no fun undertow happening - it's too on the nose. Hayden definitely is not being manipulated by others but she's also being insincere in this scene. Going to try to get under that....
  10. Hrm. My overall impression is that this is fine as a mid-book chapter - as others have said Lasilla is more active and we're not just in her head, but get to learn about her world through dialogue which is infinitely better. That all being said, as a first chapter, however, it would not pull me into the story to keep reading. The chapter kept losing me. I think for a first chapter you're trying to do too many things here when, really, the reader's interest should be focused on one key conflict. Also, in the past chapter where we met her, Iluya leapt off the page as a character, and here she's well behaved in a much less interesting way. That all being said, maybe just keep writing and then come back to this when you know exactly where you want to start. Other notes - I like the fact that honorifics will have their own table.
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