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October 10, 2011 – Hubay; Lord Domestic Ch 18


Hubay

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It's good to be back. This chapter is the last of Jhuz's "away from home" chapters; in the next one he returns to camp. The bit with Duko will probably seem strange, but otherwise this is a fairly short chapter to provide a transition back from being a captive and to show Jhuz slowly warm up to hex – even if it's just a tiny bit. Duko is my 3rd POV chapter, and Jhuz's reaction to him will provide a strong contrast to how Lisu reacts when she meets him in act 1. I know my 1 character at a time thing is getting confusing, but bear with me.

Hubay – Lord Domestic – Ch18 (L, V)

Summary

Jhuz has just narrowly escaped from the Nothroi Camp, and his former captor Hex is now in his service.

Ch18– Jhuz and Hex follow up with Grishka, and run into Duko.

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Alright, so I read all your background information, but this is the first chapter of your book I have read, as such, I was more than a little lost and cannot really give story-line or character critiques. I had some moments where I was confused, although that might have been related to my not having read the prior chapters. There was one point where a character walked into the makeshift camp and started talking about the other soldiers, which made me assume that this was a command tent that was part of a larger army, but as I read on, this didn't seem to be the case, nor did the camp seem to be official enough to be a command tent.

All in all, I thought the ideas were interesting. Some of it I didn't understand because I've missed a lot, but the world had a distinct and unique flavor, which I liked.

There was one instance of telling where I'd wished you'd shown instead. You told us that your MC flew to the top of a tree to survey the area. You might have already described the process by which he flies a dozen times, so that might have been all you needed to say, but for me coming in fresh, it lacked any kind of visual detail. It might be an issue, but then again, it might not.

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I don't have much to say about this chapter.

You're answering some questions here, but I feel like you've done it only for the reader's benefit. If Jhuz can't remember what Grishka is saying, what is the point of saying anything?

The backstory about Hex's introduction to his brotherhood was nice to read. It also gave us much insight on Hex's character.

It felt a little off that Jhuz would only look at the sky. Bird-metsi are easy to spot when flying, so a flying person should spend much more time looking at the ground where 99% of the action is supposed to be. Hex was right to point this out.

For Duko's character, the encounter felt a little rushed, especially if he's going to be a viewpoint character. The whole scene left me wanting more; for now Duko is just a big question. The last paragraph certainly didn't help (it felt a little too dramatic for me).

Edited by akoebel
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I agree that Jhuz should be a little more experienced looking at the ground. You can still make it a character trait, but it might need a bit more establishment.

Also along the lines of making things read like they are natural, you wrote that Jhuz "flew to the top of a nearby tree". I think it might be more natural if you used a different word that many people would use for another ordinary movement, like "hopped" or maybe even just "moved'. It would emphasis how natural moving through the air is for Jhuz.

The discussions with Hex are interesting, but I can't help but feel some of them are either for purposes we don't see yet, or to fill in background information that the reader will need to know eventually. For example, the details of Hex's contract and what he can/can't do. It might be better to discover that through action, such as Jhuz requesting it of him, rather than just having Hex explain. The conversation with Grishka reads like more exposition as well. On the other hand, the small details about his training and octopuses that can solve puzzles is nice.

When Grishka appeared, it took me a bit to remember who he was and why he was important to the plot. If he isn't shown a lot in the other material I haven't read (other character chapters), I might suggest a small reminder of who and what he is when he reappears.

I expected more description of Duko, or more of Jhuz's reaction to him. If he is a POV character, it's an ideal time to contrast and show one character by the description from the other.

I thought the reason for Jhuz shivering at the end wasn't very satisfying. A couple of possible reasons occur to me. First, we don't have a description of Duko from Jhuz's perspective that was detailed enough to know that his skin was exposed (the reader may know it from previous chapters, but that doesn't mean Jhuz's chapter should skip the relevant description). Second, the stimulus-response connection is spread apart, or maybe reversed. We get the response first, then learn about the stimulus. On a chapter-ending section, I think turning that the other way around makes for a stronger ending.

Finally, an overall note. What you are doing with Jhuz's memory is interesting, but I don't know how well it's going to end up in execution. The closest I can think of in another book is Memory, but Lois McMaster Bujold, where the main character (Miles) has amnesia for a lot of the book. I think it works well there because the reader already has a strong sense of the character, and can see him acting in character even without his memories, and also because the character knows he doesn't have the memories and is trying to reclaim them through the story. Here, you have Jhuz just... not know things he should know. Potentially worse, it appears to me like you're holding things back from the audience to create a similar situation for them (where if Jhuz won't remember it, you don't show it). For example, apparently Grishka talked with Jhuz about Duko, but we didn't even get the name until Hex brought it up the next morning. To me, this feels a little bit like I'm being cheated of parts of the story. Maybe in the end it will work out, but it's a concern I thought needed to be presented.

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Thanks for all the feedback. I'm still not sure what's the best way to handle Jhuz's memory and the geas. Essentially he's been brainwashed; otherwise he would really hate the emperor and the chell. Except unlike most stories with a brainwashing plot device, a geas isn't something he can 'beat.' Unless Grishka decides to remove the geas, it's not going away. I tried to hint at this earlier – the big clue would have been when he signed his letter Jhuz: Thrall, Chell Grishka – but i might not have brought it up enough to be noticeable.

On the re-write I might try showing what grishka says to Hex, and then denote it with italics so readers can tell it's not remembered. It's mostly preparation for the upcoming battle back at camp. What do you guys think about that?

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