Oct 3 2011 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 6

[Asmodemon]

In this sixth chapter we go back to a ruined village and the bugs who are threatening to breach its protection.

As always I’m looking forward to hearing what you guys think, you’ve been very helpful and insightful so far.

[RedBeardRaven]

Hey Asmodemon, would mind sending me the first 5 chapters to this story as well? I don't like to give an opinion from being thrown into the middle of a story. I wouldn't want to give a confused critique unless it was justifiable.

[cjhuitt]

So by the start of this chapter I was thinking that Rosalin was a mirror or fragment of Black Rose, and the bugs surrounding the village were the mental representation of the crystal she was trapped in. That meant when Black Rose started walking around a destroyed village, I was pretty sure it was the village Rosalin had been in that had been destroyed by the giant. Later in the scene, she grabbed petals out of the air, reminiscent of the rose bushes that surrounded the village.

If this is intentional, good for you.

However, I'm not sold on it. I'm especially not sold on it, because where did Black Rose come from? I thought she might be Rosalin's older sister, but that didn't seem to fit. I thought she might have "broken out" of the ground somewhere, or from the disturbance that was causing earthquakes in chapter 2, but that didn't seem to fit either, and seems less likely to fit with my "Rosalin is a fragment of Black Rose" idea.

When the ghost appears, I started thinking that was Rosalin's older sister (I should really go look up her name, but I'm feeling lazy right now). Also, the way the movement was described -- similar to a pair from a mercenary tribe -- made me think I was mistaken there. Then at the end, I thought I must surely be mistaken, because how would Rosalin's sister know who Black Rose is, or be able to help her?

So my overall critique of this chapter is that it is full of unanswered questions, which might be good, but there is little enough I can anchor on that I was confused nearly straight through. Each part was clear enough, but I was trying to fit it with what I had previously read, and it was as if the puzzle pieces kept altering their shapes as I was trying to fit them together. I kept reading, because I wanted to see how the results fit, but it caused mental fatigue. Then in the end, I didn't really get to see what fit together, or how. It is early yet, but I was hoping for at least one small answer, even if it lead immediately to a bigger question.

Finally, I don't know if there's any better way to handle the beginning portion of this chapter for what you want to convey, but Black Rose is a very inactive character for this chapter, in stark contrast to the prologue. I realize the blue lights/crystals are calming her and trying to keep her passive, but it is a little harder to read about passive things than active, and somebody sitting while trying to remember things is generally fairly passive.

[TleeMcCllelan]

So I misunderstood how this all works and I am going to give my thoughts here.

I really liked the idea of how the prison works but agree with CJhuitt about it being very passive and internal. However it is a very internal based prison. There was one specific place where i got confused about what you were trying to tell me as a reader The part where you discuss how her group "was important to her. She thought she remembered. Why don’t I care?" I was confused by the word was. Trying to figure out if it was past or present tense for a second.

I think that was the biggest issue that I noticed. The first page of your chapter felt a little like you rushed through it as you were writing once i got through it things seemed to get a little more at ease and comfortable. A few of the sentences in that first page felt and read a little akward for me.

Thank you for letting me read

[recovering_cynic]

I agree 100% with cjhuitt. He said much of what I wanted to say already. I'm alright with some confusion, but I need someplace solid to start before that confusion sets in. Questions stacked on top of unanswered questions don't work for me.

There is one thing I wanted to add. Your last chapter introduced a new character and a new setting. The thing is, you abandoned that character before we really got to know him or his setting. I think he needs to be cemented as an important part of the story before you go back to an older setting because as of right now, I have no clue as to why I should care about him or why he matters to your story.

My two cents on the passiveness of the black rose: I didn't really care so much. As long as this isn't a trend in the book, I'm okay with an introspective chapter as long as the introspection serves a valid purpose, which it does here. I did wonder if we would get to see the bugs in action, but I was okay that we didn't.

[Asmodemon]

Thanks guys, I knew this chapter was going to raise a lot of questions and some of those need to remain unanswered for now. Others not so much, i.e. who the ‘ghost’ is and why she appears ghostlike before Black Rose. I’ll have to change some stuff, and rework some sentences while I’m at it, to clarify the points I want answered.

The passiveness is not a trend, though it was in the first draft (people who read it will remember). That’s why I pretty much reworked the whole story and I hope that comes through. This chapter is the biggest exception. Due to the nature of the place where Black Rose is she is forced into passiveness. Now that she’s free that’s going to change.

There is one thing I wanted to add. Your last chapter introduced a new character and a new setting. The thing is, you abandoned that character before we really got to know him or his setting.

Good point, I didn’t think of that. I can change the order of the chapters a bit so Dais gets a bit more screen time so people can get to know him a bit better before the next viewpoint comes along.

[Yados]

So I'm about to start participating in this group, but as you're already on chapter six, maybe you could email me all the chapters thusfar so I won't be lost/lacking context when reading chapter 7 on?

My email is [email protected]

[RedBeardRaven]

Alright, I am finished with this and I didn't really have much of an issue beyond what was already said here.

I went into this wondering why we went from Dias to Black Rose, though. Especially, for how much time Rosalin got in the very beginning.

I did understand what was going on (basically) as I read the Prologue. I would suggest changing the prologue into being the first chapter or reworking this chapter into introducing Black Rose again. I got that the advancing forces from the first chapter (with Rosen) were finally breaking into her tomb/chamber and getting her out.

The only thing that I am most curious about is how she was able to talk like she did when she, herself, was completely confused. The other is what the Isril'Iner is.

I do want to say that the voice that you had in Chapter 1 seems to be missing throughout. What I mean by this is how you describe things or the words forming the world in the first chapter compared with the rest does not feel consistent. To give an example, if you read George R. R. Martin you will see that he is using words primarily used in medieval times as that is his setting. I could immerse myself that much more because the tone is fluid with the story telling. In the first chapter I felt like it was a Conan-esque/Barbaric time when reading from Rosen's point of view. The rest felt generic and less so.

Just wanting to give my thoughts on that. Still, this has been enjoyable to read so keep it coming!

[akoebel]

It was nice to see Black Rose again (Yippee, she's a POV character!), but the whole piece only makes me feel one thing : confusion.

Ok, I'm less confused at the end than I was at the beginning, but you set a mean learning curve here. I suppose this mirrors the confusion the character is feeling, but this might unsettle a number of readers.

Aside from that, I like where you're going. I'm very curious about how your 3 POV characters are going to interact.

Just one comment about the chapters heading. They are looking like they're the same at first glance, but you are actually saying different things in there (some look like chapter titles "a time to fish", while others just give the date). I was expecting a little more uniformity across chapters.