Reading Excuses - Sep 19, 2011 - Lee Falin - The Jupiter Mission

[LeeFalin]

My submission is a Middle-Grade science fiction story about a young boy named Sam who discovers an amazing secret about his father's past and gets caught up in a world he never knew existed. He lives under the stair, has a scar, and... just kidding.

Chapters 1 and 2 are included, together they are under the 4000 word limit. But if you only have time to read one, that's cool too.

The working title is The Jupiter Mission, but that will almost certainly change.

All feedback welcome.

Edited September 19, 2011 by LeeFalin

[Asmodemon]

This was a hard one for me to critique, I neither read nor write middle grade novels so I don’t know what specifics to look for.

The opening felt pretty standard, the first-person point of view starting the story auto-biographically about how his life suddenly changed, giving the reader titbits to look forward to and then jump back to the point where things start to go different. But then this is middle-grade, so chances are your target readers haven’t seen this kind of opening before, or at least not much of them. I’ll tell you up front I’m not the biggest fan of first-person stories. I’ve read a fair share of them, but it takes a pretty strong effort to get me interested. I didn’t really feel that here, but that might just be me.

I didn’t find Sam that interesting a character truth be told, he reads like a pretty generic kid, nothing to set him apart from the norm except for his family who all served for a time in space. But that’s more about the family than it is about him. What makes Sam an interesting character in his own right worth following? I haven’t seen it yet.

Other than the hints of aliens in the first few pages nothing really happens in the first chapter. Sam plays with his uncle and they have dinner. Both men are professionals or purport to be such, so Jeff’s remark about the Omicron system is really clumsy. I didn’t buy it, the hasty covering remark by the mother is also pretty typical. Later Sam listens in on his father and uncle. The two should have gone to talk about this elsewhere, outside for instance, if it was really that much of a secret. The second time information is dropped when it shouldn’t.

It’s not a subtle way to get the ball moving, but then again this is middle grade so you might not want to be too subtle.

The second chapter is very short and, for the most part, tell rather than show. Jake and Jeff explain what happened before, how Jake got in contact with aliens and why Sam is in trouble now. While the seed’s there for something cool, their telling it feels bland. The back story also makes me think of Star Wars. A, “When I met him your father was already a great pilot”-sort of thing. Now obviously Jake is no Vader, but it still reminded me of Anakin’s back story.

The claim of retribution feels like a plot device. It doesn’t make sense as anything other than a way to get Sam into space. The battle of the belt was fought, whether a descendant of one of the key players shows up years later or not doesn’t validate or invalidate anything. No organisation in the universe would create rules like that.

Jake’s story about how he got into the alien business is also really farfetched to me. Earth is protected so no one knows about the aliens. Yet he snuck aboard a space ship run by people who make it their business not to be detected and hid in a closet? Really?

Sam’s acceptance, even though he’s young, also feels like it’s too soon. He believes his father is telling him the truth (about something so completely outrageous) because they’re joking around so naturally about it.

Maybe it’s the middle grade thing and I’m treating this as something it’s not supposed to be, but truth be told I didn’t find these two chapters all that special. I don’t really care about any of the characters and I don’t believe in what’s going on. Maybe middle graders will see this differently, but I can’t shake the fact that it’s too simple.

[recovering_cynic]

I liked it. Of course, growing up I read thousands of middle-grade novels, averaging about one per day, and this was fairly classic for what I used to read, which is both good and bad. It's set at about the right reading level as far as word choice and complexity, but as has been pointed out, there wasn't much to set it apart.

Still, the stage is well set and I would read a few more chapters to see where it led. I liked the video game aspect, and I have a pretty good idea where you are going with that. Kids love the idea of intergalactic warfare being practiced on their tv, so I think it's a good idea, one they'll like, although not exactly original, but that's okay.

The one thing that could really be improved is Sam's character. He does sound pretty generic, which is okay, I guess, as long as you start branching him out soon, making him more original.

Good stuff.

[LeeFalin]

I appreciate everyone's feedback. Thanks for taking the time read my chapters!

[cjhuitt]

I kind of agree with the other two about the style. As I read the first couple of chapters, I was reminded of the middle-grade stories I used to read. Now, that's not necessarily bad; I enjoyed those books at the time, although I'm not so sure I would now. However, there doesn't seem to be anything much to set it apart either.

The beginning of the first chapter is fine, as far as establishing things goes. It shows a fairly standard family, and sets the baseline for things to diverge from. The end of that chapter is where I had my biggest problem with potential plot holes. Basically, if Sam's mother was leading him to bed in these circumstances, and knew that the brothers were going to talk, and knew that Jeff had nearly spilled the (lima) beans earlier, there's no way she'd walk off without knowing what Sam was doing and where he was going. Even if she did, she'd check up on him at any time -- and he would know it. I didn't think his motivation for eavesdropping was well-developed, but even if it was he should have spent the time worried that his mom would come back and catch him at it. Also, having the door swing open for no discernible reason seemed very convenient.

A minor point in the first chapter, but one that bugged me. Sam is surprised that Jeff caught a ping-pong ball inches in front of his face. Is it really hard to catch a ping-pong ball? Unless Sam's parents are world-class players, probably not.

In the second chapter, I expected Sam's dad to try to get out from telling him, somehow. Jeff was very calm about the eavesdropping, but apparently his dad can't think on his feet enough to try to make some joke out of it, just like Sam is expecting. Then we get into the telling - again, similar to other stories I once read, although long and dry for me now.

I also had a problem with being able to declare a battle invalid due to some legal wrangling. It sounded like the "battle" was something like a game (since his dad "humiliated [Argemone] in front of their entire race"). If that's the case, you could probably change the phrasing some to make it sound like they issued a rematch challenge, and if refused (or lost) the results of that battle are reversed from the time of the new match. I'm assuming from the build-up so far that the battle is the main reason to get Sam into space, so I'm assuming you want to keep the need for him to personally answer, whatever the cause.

[akoebel]

I must say that if I put myself in a middle-grader mood, the two chapters do their job reasonably well.

If I look back at my younger self, what did I look for in a book?

* A strong voice, possibly humorous

* A fast pace

* An interesting premise.

Now, were I to rate those two chapters, the voice is distinct and kinda funny (even if at times, it leans a little too much on the fourth wall "love you mum"?), and the pacing is good. The part which is behind the two others is the premise : "little boy has to go to space to save the day" seems a tad overused.

My largest complaint would be a certain lack of subtlety. I mean, do the mother really have to do all this to stop her brother in law's blathering? Probably not. I know that the intended audience isn't that old, but they can read between the lines too.

Also, that little boy is a little too observant. He really does see everything, even if he doesn't understand what he's seeing, which gives two problems : for once, that's way too much telling, and then, this makes the protagonist look stupid (why doesn't he understand everything, since he already noted all the small details).

That being said, would I have noticed all this as a middle-grader? Probably not. I would have been taken by the pacing and would have gone on reading, which is what you want really.