Sep 05 2011 – Asmodemon – Maiden of Thorns Chapter 3

[Asmodemon]

This week it’s time for the third chapter for Maiden of Thorns, where Rosalin discovers why the ground is shaking.

[recovering_cynic]

Thoughts as I read:

There is some clunky prose. Examples: "One day, a long time ago now so she hardly remembered it, a roof had collapsed," and "The ground shook with increasing violence every step she took when from the other side of town a heavy tremor and a loud crash resounded." The Verb is at the end of both of these sentences and having to wait so long to get the verb makes the sentence harder to read.

Also, "The common room was filled with the things like a porcupine’s back, most of them grown out of the floor with the tip sticking out, reading to skewer things." This made it sound like these things had been in the room all along, at least until you get to the end and the next sentence. There were some other structural problems, but I don't know if that's the kind of review you are looking for, so I won't point them out unless you ask me to.

Uh, you imply that the giant and Sericea are equally tall toward the end... I thought he was a giant.

Finished.

Okay... The only real problem I had with the piece was gramatical, really. There are times when its unclear what you are saying until you get to the next sentence, which threw me out of the emersion.

It's interesting (and different from the first time I read it long ago). I just had a difficult time reading it due to structural issues. Let me know if you are looking for line level editing and I can give you more details.

Other than that, it was believable, engrossing, and fun to read. I loved the images of the stones shooting out of the floor.

[Asmodemon]

Uh, you imply that the giant and Sericea are equally tall toward the end... I thought he was a giant.

Ah, yes, I see what you mean. What’s going on is that Rosalin and Sericea are equally tall at the end, as Rosalin’s changed into a blend of herself and the giant. So while she’s taller she’s not giant tall. I address this a little more in the next chapter, but I should clarify it a bit more in this one too.

I just had a difficult time reading it due to structural issues. Let me know if you are looking for line level editing and I can give you more details.

If you’ve got the time for it I’d love to get some line level editing. I think that would be a great help.

[recovering_cynic]

Ah, yes, I see what you mean. What’s going on is that Rosalin and Sericea are equally tall at the end, as Rosalin’s changed into a blend of herself and the giant. So while she’s taller she’s not giant tall. I address this a little more in the next chapter, but I should clarify it a bit more in this one too.

If you’ve got the time for it I’d love to get some line level editing. I think that would be a great help.

Do you have Microsoft Word? That would be easiest since I could use Track Changes if you are familiar with that function.

[Asmodemon]

I have and I'm also familiar with the Track Changes feature, so if you use that it's no problem at all.

[cjhuitt]

In addition to the comments recovering_cynic made, this chapter held quite a few surprises for me -- mostly the good kind. It definitely seemed to me to be setting up a scenario of younger sister somehow finds a way to help the older sister prevail. This is especially true since it appears that Sericea appeared to know what the fight was about, or at least know a lot more than Rosalin did. (This intrigued me, by the way, so good job there.) Then to have Rosalin actually "kill" the giant was slightly unexpected, but well done. The repercussions I didn't expect at all. They really pulled me into the story and made me wonder what was happening.

I noticed some spots that could be improved. First of all, Rosalin is hurt enough that she's shuddering and each movement causes pain. However, a few paragraphs later she's up and running/leaping with no apparent injury at that time.

Also in that area, you wrote that the stone sliver fought Rosalin. Since we're seeing some pretty powerful magic happen with the stone spears appearing, I actually envisioned it fighting her off when she reached to grab it. You might want to be a little careful with that.

I would recommend trying to clarify somehow what has happened between Rosalin and the giant in this chapter. I thought she had changed into the giant, so while I was surprised to have her be as tall as her sister, I was then surprised she wasn't much taller. This is especially true following the note about the spear being in her hand and how light it felt.

I definitely didn't understand the way she was able to get the giant (in her head) to stop. It very much seemed like the giant was overpowering her own will and taking over, so why would thinking about stones make him stop? How would Rosalin have known it would?

The end left me wanting to know more about what was going on, so on to the next chapter (so conveniently delivered just today).

[recovering_cynic]

Sent edits last night.

[Asmodemon]

I got them. You had a lot of good points, I pretty much incorporated all of them. Thanks

[RedBeardRaven]

I was going to point out the same things that Cynic did. The majority of those issues were keeping me at arms length for this chapter.

I don't really have anything to critique beyond the grammatical. Good job on keeping the tension high but not bludgeoning us with descriptions on every action.

[akoebel]

I was more than a little afraid when I read the beginning of this chapter, as I believed I was in for another slow character exposition piece, but that soon changed.

The whole gave a very interesting chapter, and for once, I was glad to be this late in my critiques, so I could get to read the next chapter at once. Very well done.

We're beginning to see why you ordered the chapters the way you did. I worry that this choice will hurt the way your book is perceived. It's a bold solution you've taken.

If you don't mind changing things around a little, I think that reincorporating parts of chapter 1 in chapter 3 would have worked better for me. Yes, you would have to explain much more there (and you would loose the nice banter of chapter 1), but I think it would be much less disturbing for the reader. As things are, I feel like the story begins a little too early.

For the chapter itself, it went well. I had some trouble with the part where Rosalin is hit by Rosen. I thought for some reason that she was immobilized, so when she started doing things, I was kind of lost and had to go back to that section to understand what was happening.

One small thing : the way she describes Rosen as a giant and her mentioning he is "several yards tall". The phrasing itself is confusing, and if I limit myself to 2 yards (6 feet, or 1.8 meters), Rosen is a tall man, but by no means a giant, unless men are very short where she lives. So, what does she mean? 2.5 yards ? 3?

Edited October 12, 2011 by akoebel