April 21 - Stroniax - LordSteel (V?)

[Glaring at the Survivor]

From the email:

FYI, I came up with that name right now. Still working on it. Also,

I'm not sure how much fighting counts as violence.

I'd like to hear what you think about worldbuilding, the magic system,

the cliffhanger at the end of the chapter, any excessive uses of

words, inconsistencies, and stuff you feel like need being pointed out

(of course). And info dumps, too...

Anyway, this is the first chapter of this book. You haven't missed anything yet!

I think that covers everything...

[andyk]

I'm interested in the magic system, this business of binding, and in the caste system around hair colour. The hair colour thing in particular is an unusual feature for a world, and one whose implications I'm intrigued to know more about.

 

I didn't have much grasp of the world beyond that. Because there wasn't much description I wasn't clear on the technology level or the style of culture the events were taking place in. More description of the physical environment would also have helped to draw me into the scenes, as I would have been able to picture what was going on.

 

This was heavy on telling rather than showing. Right from the first paragraph you were directly explaining aspects of the world to us - in that case the hair colour caste system - rather than showing them through events or hints. The introduction of General Shane meant you started to put some information in through dialogue, but it still didn't read very naturally.

 

I didn't have much idea of Righor's thoughts or feelings on anything. I'm not saying you should tell us directly, but even his dialogue and actions didn't give much away. That made it harder for me to empathise with him or be interested in what happened.

 

There's a potentially interesting world here, and you've thrown Righor straight into conflict and difficulties which makes things more exciting. As a next step I'd recommend reading around on how to 'show not tell', and try to use more of that.

[Mandamon]

I have similar comments to Andyk.  The magic system and caste system are interesting, but needs some more work on showing and not telling.  Some comments below:

 

Pg 1: "walked through the city that had recently renamed itself to be called Airendale"

--walked through the city recently renamed Airendale

 

Pg 1: "In the world of Cryos, monarchy and rule was based on hair color: blond hair, Righor's true hair color, was the highest; brown hair was lower; and black hair was the lowest color. Red hair was so uncommon anywhere other than the Shattered Isles, which ruled

themselves in an entirely separate way, that nobody knew what their position would be."

--take this out.  We don't care about all this yet.

 

Pg 1: "He did so using the Waves–a telepathic link any dragon had to their DragonBound. This was the first ability DragonBound had. Righor couldn't Bind with his dragon too soon, or he'd be seen."

--Again take this out until later.  You could simply say he talked to the dragon using the Waves, but don't try to explain this yet.

 

Pg 1: "I am, in fact, one of the most powerful DragonBound in existence. A lord even among DragonBound. I have so much Untapped Potential–"  Untapped Potential was the amount of "strength" a DragonBound had, and not what they could and knew how to use, but actually how much they had, "–that I can even Block Waves and Wave-signals.""

--Nope.  No one introduces themselves like this.  Take it out until later.

 

Pg 1: ""As I said, I can Block Waves. I can also feel when Waves are sent, and who is sending them–or, at least, where they are coming from. I just felt a Wave-signal from you. And Binding is done via Wave-signal.  I thought a Journeyer would know something like that.""

--and this.  You could leave in "I can Block waves"

 

Pg 2:

"He was in a bed, where he must have been sleeping"

--obvious to the reader that you would sleep in a bed you were in.

 

"Now listen closely. I can only say this once.""

--Why can he only say it once?

 

Pg 3:  Some of the humor is good, but a whole page of punning gets very old quickly.  Humor is better when we understand the character a little better.  You're only 3 pages in.  I would focus more on developing the character first.

 

And then some more infodumping. Righor phasing over to his dragon seems almost like a cheat to get out of the prison.  It would be much more exciting for him to struggle to get out and back to his dragon.

 

Pg 4:

Lots more infodumping about the shape of the continent and the Lake.  Again, not really pertinent to the story yet, so I would focus more on Righor's character.

 

Much better than the last version, and a good hook at the end to draw the reader into the next chapter.  There's a lot of extraneous information you can take out, though, and I think this would make the whole thing a lot stronger and draw the reader in quicker. 

[Glaring at the Survivor]

Thanks guys!

Quick thing:

"Now listen closely. I can only say this once.""

--Why can he only say it once?

 

Righor phasing over to his dragon seems almost like a cheat to get out of the prison.  It would be much more exciting for him to struggle to get out and back to his dragon.

@1: As said later "To you. It gets... complicated after that." And yes, Drage's are... difficult.

But half of that is due to the magic system.

@2: General Shane's purpose for kidnapping Righor is over. I can't see any logical other path but simply walking out. Do you have any ideas, maybe, for that?

[Dysphoric Kitten]

I included all of the comments I had, even if in retrospect it was resolved. Resolved ones will be marked by a +

 

 

 

Page 1

 

"DragonBound" - doublecaps are annoying, please do not use them.

 

Renamed city - it makes the sentence awkward, but in retrospect, was a useful piece of information, when we see the name of the king. If you could rephrase it, maybe into two sentences, it would be helpful.

 

Hair infodump, and I still do not understand why he is hiding his eyes. (by the end of the chapter, I am thinking maybe green eyes are exclusive to Dragonbound, or maybe every order or something has a very special colour)

 

"A very important item" is very annoying to see in narration. Either name it or delete the whole list. Especially when it does not appear again.

 

Kh - do you mean the sound in "the loch ness monster"? Kh is quite a jarring sound in English.

 

"said to the dragon" - not said, as he did not speak.

 

"mudhead" - were the Potter flashbacks intentional? (try dirthead or dirthair)

 

+Green eyes are possible with brown hair. To go one more extreme, my grandfather has a bright blue/jet black combination

 

Nobody in the street is surprised seeing a blond in skaa clothes?

 

Why does the general infodump Rig about himself, of all things, in the street?

 

Can only Dragonbound speak via Wave? (It seems like that is why the general is suspicious)

 

"I glanced" WOW. PoV shift.

 

He got caught so easily? Either he sneaks into cities every other week, or this is much, much too forced.

 

Grabbed neck - That was fast. Hothead.

 

 

Page 2

 

Can he not differentiate between people talking to him? Plot point, or I'll be disappointed.

 

Thought-spoke - should be "said" or something less burdening. Not spoke though. (how about giving it a name?)

 

Awk does not feel real. Nobody insists on something they cannot confirm was done. If he must, he can ask Rig. But not the general.

 

Is Rig a rookie?

 

So... time travel?

 

He nods while telepathing? Really?

 

The general (call him that, until he is more than that) folds too easily. Still a hothead.

 

Awk likes talking in irrelevant chinese sayings, it seems.

 

Is Awk an Earthling?

 

Rig caught the saying very nicely. 

 

"Ah, but you not" => "Ah, but you do not", unless I did not understand what you mean.

 

"fires, burning, they will cause" - this is not the best sentence... I wonder how it could be rephrased.

 

I struggled finishing the poem.

 

If you could edit the page so the poem is cut somewhere closer to the middle or not at all, it would be much more readable.

 

 

Page 3

 

Yes, time travel. Yes, Earthling. And quoting Doctor Who, no less.

 

I do not get it. Does Awk not see Rig is annoyed? (it took me a while to notice he might be so, but this should be obvious to Awk, and he acts as if Rig is amused)

 

The dish pun and subsequent banter just did not feel good to me. Sorry.

 

Again, I am not sure about both their attitudes. Are they friendly or passive-aggressing? Or is one one, and the other the other?

 

Why the speeds lecture? It seems like an intentional setup. By you.

 

So Rig has zero training?

 

So Awk has infinite training? (he knows how to prevent something that almost cannot be done)

 

So... teleportation too?

 

 

Page 4

 

Meeting a king? He must be good, then... But wait, I thought we just said that he is not... I'm confused. (does he meet in virtue of something else?)

 

Perfectly round continent? Either it is that way because of magic, or it is just too unlikely.

 

Themes? Magically enforced, it seems. (call them by a different name, possibly in-world and made up)

 

"Anything hitting with force would (not?) bounce, but would sink slowly", right?

 

Fence paragraph - edit the first two sentences to be one.

 

Horses: show his surprise at their scalelessness, or something. In-world is always better than detached.

 

Rig is a madman. Four on one, plus archers backing them, and he barely knows how the magic works? Idiot man.

 

He dropped the sword, then attacked a man holding a sword using what? His arms? If so, blocking would not damage the blade...

 

The archers shot a friend (simultaniously? why and how?), then ran away? This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules?

 

 

Page 5

 

...waitwhat...

 

Aarraa? Is that not Scandinavian for "potato"?

 

Why the pain difference? Is it reversed for dragons? (i.e. when someone is  in their body, they are in more pain, and when they are in another's, there is less?)

 

Wyvern? Is that Scottish for "This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules"?

Edited April 22, 2014 by Tal Spektor

[Glaring at the Survivor]

Double-caps are sort of a theme...

Kh... I pronounce it as a sound that we don't really have any lettering for... Stupid language.

I haven't read Harry Potter, if that's what you're talking about. I watched the first few movies though. Hmm...

Nobody is in the street.

Last draft of this that I wrote (which wasn't moving fast enough, so I abandoned) was in first person. That'll probably happen a bunch.  Thanks for pointing it out.

Telepathic communication makes it difficult to differentiate voices. maybe I should say that...

He's a Journeyer. Of course he did.

Removed the speeds thing.

Righor has zero training it what?

Not teleportation. Merging.

Never said that he was or was not "that good"...

Oobleck. That's the idea, anyway. I... had trouble explaining it.

It's a magic breakthrough. Waves used to be un-Block-able.

Oops. Dropped the sword with just that arm.

Archers missed.

Scandinavian?

Wait for chapter two...

[Dysphoric Kitten]

Kh... I pronounce it as a sound that we don't really have any lettering for... Stupid language.

 

I haven't read Harry Potter, if that's what you're talking about. I watched the first few movies though. Hmm...

 

Righor has zero training it what?

 

Not teleportation. Merging.

 

Never said that he was or was not "that good"...

 

 

Archers missed.

 

Scandinavian?

Kh - like Jalepiño or Mexico? Like Loch ness? (where are you from and what languages do you speak?)

 

Harry Potter = Mudblood

You = Mudhead 

Does it not sound similar?

 

Zero training = zero training in being a Dragonbound. He seems that way because in the first three pages, you give us someone who by his standards is impossibly advanced, and someone who is impossibly advanced by the master's standards. We do not even know if he has any skill or training at all, and he already is compared to people so great he thought they could not exist. This makes the reader question his skill very heavily. Which is why I was surprised that he gets meetings with kings, who need people who know what they are doing.

 

No, it is teleportation if you bind and unbind in quick succession. You appear to have teleported onto your dragon.

 

Yeah, three archers missing, then chickening out? And trying to run away from a man superior to them in all ways, according to what you are trying to convey, which means that he can catch up with them and slay them to death. Really, that makes perfect sense.

 

Yeah, it sounds Scandinavian. Aarraa. Just sounds strange. Why not get them names?

[Glaring at the Survivor]

Sort of like a h sound, but more... uh... closed-throated? I don't have any idea how to explain it.

 

Ah. It does... bummer.

 

Hmm... I'll have to think about that. Right now I can't check it... in a couple days I will be able to again.

 

It is, but you can only "teleport" to where your dragon is...

 

He moved. And... yeah, that does kinda break down in the face of logic, doesn't it?

 

I had no idea... I don't really speak any foreign languages or anything. I'm American. Aarraa just sounded cool. So... yup.

[Dysphoric Kitten]

As I said before, Mudhead can be replaced by Dirthead or Dirthair.

 

 

I only speak English and Hebrew. We have a sound that is sometimes designated Kh, and it is similar to those I discussed above. It appears in the words Hannuka (Khannuka) and Hutzpa (Khutzpa), if they are pronounced correctly. Which they usually are not.

 

Actually, if we are talking about the same sound, skip to 10:00 on the following video. The last word Clinton says (you will need to listen really loudly, though, because he says it quietly) contains that sound, although poorly rendered because of both his American-ness, and the low volume. I would give you a video in Hebrew, but we usually talk too fast to catch the nuances of that sound, and this is a close enough and slow enough approximation to see if that is what we talking about is the same.

 

[manaheim]

I'm afraid my comments won't add much beyond what the illustrious folks before me have already stated, so I'll keep it brief.

 

The "tell vs show" thing is pretty extensive, and it even shows up in the dialogue. This is distracting and really slows the story down.  You can let the reader ease themselves into things. They don't need all the facts right away.

 

It's an interesting world. I like the idea of the hair color/caste thing, though I've seen similar things done ("lighteyes").

 

The magic system seems pretty cool.

 

Just overall a lot of interesting things going on, but you're going to need to clean up the show/tell stuff so we can see it.

 

Keep at it!

[Glaring at the Survivor]

That lighteyes thing was the major problem.

But then I decided, hey, I'm blond anyway.

[manaheim]

hahaha... well, it's not like you can ever be totally original. I have done plenty of things that I thought were pretty awesome and new, and then had someone go "Oh, it's just like XXX." Kills me. lol  The best you can do is try to bring something new to the table with it.

[Swimmingly]

Just chiming in here, but we all know a notable writer who uses double-caps frequently:

TenSoon

MaiPon

BioChroma

ChayShan

[Kuiper]

As others have said, lots of telling and not showing.  The first chapter seems a bit heavy on infodumps.  More than this, I think, my issues with the story boil down to too much being explained to me in explicit terms when I should be able to infer it.  Some example passages:

 

Rastek turned through the air, landing beside a hill. I'm getting hungry, he explained. Righor unBound from him–unBinding was basically the removal of oneself from their dragon, or the removal of a dragon from oneself 

 

The term "unbind" is intuitive enough that the explanation doesn't really seem necessary.

 

Shane looked at him. "What?" he all but shouted. "I go to all this work to bring you this guy, looking for him for days so that I can hear what you have to say, and then I don't even get to hear it? Fine. But I will be back. And I plan on hearing it then."

 

Shane is telling Awk that he has gone to the work of spending days to locate Righor, yet both characters should have a mutual awareness of this.  While it's certainly reasonable for Shane to express anger at being sent out, it feels unnatural for Shane to articulate his grievance of this manner, since he is speaking to Awk; as it is, it feels more like he is talking for the benefit of Righor or the audience.

 

The same is true of the conversation on the first page that begins with "Let me introduce myself."  From an in-universe perspective, I really don't think it makes sense for Shane to explain to Righor how his magic works, unless perhaps it's interspersed with action that implies his explanation is taunting or mocking Righor rather than attempting to educate and inform him.

 

 

 

By the end of the chapter, I felt like I was being overloaded with jargon.  What I really want from a first chapter is to be introduced to a significant actor and learn what the stakes are--these are things that make me curious and increase my desire to learn about the world. My own experience with this story is that I was being thrust into the heat of jargon-filled action before I could develop that curiosity and emotional investment in any of the events, characters, or other fixtures.

 

It's hard for me to care deeply about magic systems before I understand the context of the world that the magic exists in--the parts about the caste system based on hair color were interesting because they helped to develop the world apart from the magic.  Even in the context of a high fantasy where all (or most) of the main characters have magical talents, I want to know what "normal" means in this universe, so unless >50% of the population is DragonBound, I want to know what it means to be a non-DragonBound in order to appreciate what is so special about being DragonBound.  As it is, I feel like by the end of the first chapter I know more about the magical aspects of the world than the non-magical ones.

 

 

Minor miscellaneous issues:

 

I'm not really keen on the use of "facepalm" as a verb.

 

13 instances of ellipsis in 5 pages feels like a bit much for me.  I understand wanting to show pauses in dialog, but if you overuse the ellipsis, eventually I just start to ignore it, and there are a lot of places where it just feels unnecessary and distracting.  If you want to punctuate a pause in a sentence, you can interrupt the flow of dialog with blocking.  There's a point at which you use an ellipsis and then state "He paused" which just feels redundant to me.

Edited April 25, 2014 by Kuiper

[Robinski]

Health warning: I only read the other comments after I've written mine, so apologies for duplication, but I figure the prescriptive might be a bit different anyway.

--------------------

Notwithstanding the detailed comments below, which I hope don't come across too harsh, I like the underlying basis of your story. I like some of your ideas, and I think the characters have promise. I think, however that there are some style issues, a bit too wordy in places and some grammar and occasional word choice, but these are all fixable, of course.

The main problem for me is that I think there is way too much explanation of the theory. I wonder if you are a RPGer by any chance? I think for most people, certainly for me, stories about about people, not about technicalities and systems, but these are the things that dominate in this chapter. That stuff doesn't matter in the end, it's not why people act the way they do, it's not what drives individuals. For me, emotion is the driver of any story, it's behind everything, but that didn't come across for me.

------------------------------

I like the chapter title. I think there's a danger that 'prophecy' on its own would come across stereotyped, but I think you've dodged that.

I have a problem with the hair colour thing. What do you do about colours in between? There are so many shades that it could be almost impossible to establish succession. I would think they would go to war regularly over shades of brown and blond. Also, I'm not sure you can just dismiss red hair so easily. Consider Earth's history. It's been hard enough to deal with hereditary succession in Europe without this added complication.

I know very little about genetics, but might not a blonde queen have a black or brown haired baby even aftercare generations of blonde? Is that maybe not likely to some degree? What happens then (and if)?

Writing style could be more direct and effective. Here's an example using the first paragraph. Just my opinion, I suppose, but I think it flows better. Please forgive the illustrative edit.

[EDIT] "Righor Steel, Journeyer and DragonBound, walked through the city that was now called Airendale. He held his head low, trying to avoid eye contact – his brown wig made it much more important that he do so. In the world of Cryos, monarchy and rule was based on hair color: blond, his true color, was the highest; brown was lower; and black was the lowest. Red hair was so uncommon anywhere but in the Shattered Isles, where things were different, that nobody could guess a redhead's position."

On content, I found the first paragraph too much of an info dump, telling not showing. If it's the opening of your book I think you need to make a bigger impact from the off.

Reading on, I think your first two paragraphs are out of place. Starting with para 3 would have the reader asking questions instead of reading answers.

I'm afraid you've lost me. Shane pulling off Righor's wig brings to mind a rather comical image, then Shane's diatribe sounds like a science lecture. Why would he speak this way in the street, offer all this information to a stranger? To me he sounds like a pompous idiot.

The magic / binding system sounds hugely complicated. I think you are going to lose a lot of readers early on by dumping all this info here. To me it would better to deal with characters, let us learn who they are before they start throwing all the technical stuff around. You can have the same events happen without explaining everything to the n-th degree. I think you need to get the reader to buy in to the story first.

There's a stray first person sentence starting 'I glanced...'

I like the action at the foot of the page. I think you would be more successful in getting readers' attention if this happened much earlier on the page.

Page 2

I had a reaction against the cloak colours. Why does everything have to have a major significance? Hair colour, now cloak colour. It strikes me as very artificial. I place the blame for this, to a degree, at the door of Mr. Sanderson. His magic systems are heavily prescriptive and defined by rigidly drawn rules. This, to large extent I think, derives from his maxim (is it one of Sanderson's Laws?) that a magic system must be well defined if you are going to use it to solve problems. All very well, but I think this approach can lead to unrealistic / overly artificial settings and situations. This is my first reaction to how you present hair and cloak colour. For me it's too black-and-white. Life isn't like that, and I found this prevented me from buying into the story and was a barrier to accepting the characters. It's a real danger that they are defined only by their hair and cloaks.

I thought Shane gave in too easily for a man that upset.

Awk's comment about 'assume' passed me by. I don't know how they divide it. Is it something to do with 'chull'? If jokes don't work the leave the reader confused.

Page 3

Righor seems to have become a teenager. I 'completely' hate riddles. I have 'literally' ever heard.

The last line is two lines with alternate words, I think? If I'm right, then I think that's rather clever. I'm told I've got a knack for puzzles, but I think the majority of readers would either not try to work it out, or might take longer. If I'm not right, then it's definitely clever!! : o )

An example of show-don't-tell. "Of course, days for me are so confusing..." his grin faded, and he got some sort of far-off look in his eyes." I would say you can end this sentence on '...grin faded.' Your reader will be capable of working out that something internal has given Awk pause.

Use of the word 'spoilers' took me out of test story. To me, that is a modern word. Unless Awk is supposed to be a time traveller, then I don't think that's appropriate.

I didn't like the verbal byplay about dishes insults. For me it wasn't funny, because it's out of context for the story and doesn't add anything. It didn't help that I'm not sure it makes sense. Awk doesn't say 'insults dishes', but then seems to change his story half way through.

In the last paragraph of Page 3, do you mean consciousness rather than conscience?

Page 4

The line on which you end the section feels awkward, dragons are rare but not. It's an odd line in itself and leaves the section hanging.

The centre of a continent seems an odd notion for measuring distance. Would you say 'it felt strange how close to the centre of America they had got'? Maybe it's just me - I thought it would be more relevant to referee a place, like a city.

His sword could just be metal. If everything about a character is special / the best ever, he becomes a super hero and therefore more powerful then everyone else, which is boring.

Similarly does not equal 'the same', you don't need to repeat it.

With the long explanation about the sword you lose the sense of urgency of the fight.

Edited April 25, 2014 by Robinski

[Glaring at the Survivor]

Assume. Divide the first three letters, then the next two separately. I was told it by a friend, but they said the specific parts... And thats just not me.

Other than that, thank you and I find myself agreeing. (With all of you, of course.)

Thanks.

Just chiming in here, but we all know a notable writer who uses double-caps frequently:

TenSoon

MaiPon

BioChroma

ChayShan

Fatal error: Allowed memory size of 387973120 bytes exhausted (tried to allocate 470403376 bytes) in Unknown on line 0

I had the idea first! Well, before I read Mistborn, anyway. I took a lot of these ideas from one of my very old stories.

PS: About colors... idk why I chose them to mark everything, but I suppose colors are very important on this world. Without them everything would be grey and green...

I've had other worse ideas. I'll try rethinking them.

Edit: I think I'll stick with colors.... _{I like colors...}

Edited April 26, 2014 by Stroniax