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Should I do this or not?


Ripheus23

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So I have this book, A Theory of Justice, which is like my own Way of Kings. I live in a naval city. In fact the largest known concentration of nuclear weapons is nearby, so in my book, I feel like I live in Mordor. There's even a tower a block or two or so from the house I'm at, that has red lights that glow atop it at night.

I feel like my life hasn't gone anywhere, and I lost hold of everything I tried to be good for, like I feel like abandoned the guy I talked about in that post "A pattern" and so on. I feel like I was caught up in something beyond what I expected, growing up. Like somehow this strange plan or design sucked me into itself, and I have to do something about it.

I know my faith tells me to "have faith" but what I keep thinking of doing sounds so... like magical thinking to the nth degree. Take A Theory of Justice and use it on the gate to the naval shipyard in this city? As some way to protest the existence of this demonic weaponry? While making a scene? They gave me some medication, too, that I've refused to take, but if I took it all at once, IDK, I don't know if it is so dangerous, but it would be one way to send a message, I suppose.

I don't even know if I should ask whether I should do this. Why don't I already know? Or maybe I do already know. Who knows...

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3 hours ago, Ripheus23 said:

I know my faith tells me to "have faith" but what I keep thinking of doing sounds so... like magical thinking to the nth degree. Take A Theory of Justice and use it on the gate to the naval shipyard in this city? As some way to protest the existence of this demonic weaponry? While making a scene? They gave me some medication, too, that I've refused to take, but if I took it all at once, IDK, I don't know if it is so dangerous, but it would be one way to send a message, I suppose.

I’m not entirely sure what you’re asking but if it involves any sense of self-harm then

Spoiler

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You’ve said you will use A Theory of Justice on the gate, but I don’t know what using a book on a gate means.

You’ve said you’ll protest, make a scene. If that’s what you want to do, and you have a group of people with the same beliefs, fine.

But taking all the medication they gave you at once? Potentially self-harming?

No, no no. Please don’t.

I don’t know what else to say, here, though.

*hugs*

Edited by I think I am here.
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What is your goal? To become yet another soul who gave up and was forgotten?

You want to show them something. But are you sure you know exactly what you want to prove.

You believe there’s something wrong with the place you live in. But are you certain you’ve pinned it down?

Is there anyway for you to know ome hundred percent that hurting yourself would solve the world’s problems? Is there? 

If you say yes - think about it. Think of it like chess. One small thing could push it all off. 

And then what? What happens?

Nothing changes. 

The world stays the same in every way but one. It no longer has you.

Yes, saying everyone matters is cheesy. Yes, it’s something inspiring in a stupid way.

But at the end of the day it’s almost always true in the crem filled world we live in. Every person to see how awful it is brings up the chances of improvement.

Hurting yourself won’t change or help anything. So don’t.

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I have to admit, I didn't want to reply first, but then my thoughts returned to this thread again and again. So here I am. Maybe this helps.

9 hours ago, Ripheus23 said:

I feel like my life hasn't gone anywhere, and I lost hold of everything I tried to be good for, like I feel like abandoned the guy I talked about in that post "A pattern" and so on. I feel like I was caught up in something beyond what I expected, growing up. Like somehow this strange plan or design sucked me into itself, and I have to do something about it.

 

A friend of mine killed herself. And two others I partially knew followed her. And that's what saved me. Because  @Silva is right. You don't change anything. Your parents will get a card, and you they will forget.

So don't do it. They won't like you more because of it. If you survive they'll treat you like you're insane and if you die, they'll go on with their lifes.

The only possibility to change something, to have an impact on the world is to go on. To live. Maybe you won't be an Albert Einstein, but you can make a difference to those around you. Even it it's just a friend you hug, or an animal you feed.

There was a time in my life I planed to kill myself and I didn't. And it took me years, but today I'm grateful for it. And I'm sure you also get that feeling, so don't give up!

Edited by Sorana
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But I don't think any of that is what's going on. Nothing *seems* like any of that. It's more like I'm supposed to do something, and I don't know what, but it has to do with reenacting a scene from a book, like all the other things in this pattern. Like there is an attempt to trick me into not using the book on the gate (I mean that literally, as in pushing the book against the gate), or whatever. I know it sounds deluded but from the inside-out it makes perfect sense, and I'm so frustrated that I'm not doing it. (Like, I don't even know if the thing with the medication would go as expected, or whether I'm supposed to do that to test this notion that anything I've been told, is true. Because several people have periodically told me that I have become involved with something that's "way over my head.")

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