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Reading Excuses - April 14 - Kuiper - The Wasting Room, part 4 (end)


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Here's the fourth (and final) installment of The Wasting Room, which consists of chatpers 7, 8, and 9.
 
Your feedback on the included chapters is appreciated. Also, general feedback on the story as a whole (for those who read it in its entirety) would be helpful as well.
 
Summary of what has happened so far:
 
In chapter 1, the unnamed protagonist uses his magical abilities as an air adept to eavesdrop on a meeting between two suspicious men, and becomes witness to a murder when one of the men double-crosses the other.
 
In chapter 2, the protagonist meets with an information broker named Eril, and learns the identities of the men he saw earlier.  The victim was a nobleman named Lord Rolondo, and the killer is Cole, a criminal who is new to the city.  Protagonist requests that Eril arrange a meeting with Cole, under the pretense of recruiting Cole for a criminal operation.
 
In chapter 3, the protagonist meets with Cole.  The protagonist shares plans in light of the recent disappearance of Lord Rolondo: Cole will masquerade as the missing (deceased) Rolondo and attend a masquerade ball and auction being held by another noble house, Bastielle.  According to the plan, the protagonist will use this cover to enter and pilfer goods from the Bastielle estate.  Cole agrees to participate.
 
In chapter 4, the protagonist and Cole pose as envoys of the Rolondo estate and visit the house of Hannal, a greedy capitalist nobleman.  They strike a deal with Hannal to provide transportation for their fake Rolondo to arrive at the Bastielle event in noble fashion.
 
In chapter 5, protagonist decides to pay a visit to the scene of the murder from chapter 1, observing that Rolondo's body is still as Cole left it.  Afterward, protagonist meets with Cole to head to the ball.
 
In chapter 6, protagonist and Cole enter the main guest hall at the Bastielle estate, posing as members of Rolondo.  Protagonist exits the guest hall by way of the upstairs balcony, and uses air magic to enter the Bastielle attendant's quarters undetected, stealing all the aether he can find before moving onto his main objective.
 
 

General story remarks:

 

 

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If I could summarize my intention for this story, it was to create a thriller in a fantasy setting, and to minimize the amount of exposition and requisite world-building by having magic play a relatively minor role in the world.  (In the story, the protagonist is the only character that is named as an adept.)  The protagonist does use magic to solve some of his problems, but I wanted the protagonist to lean much more on other skills and tools.  Mainly, these are his powers of observation, as well as deduction and reasoning.

 

One of the main conflicts I wanted to be present was the idea of a constant tension between the protagonist and Cole as they work together.  The protagonist knows that Cole is the killer, but does he know whether Cole knows that he is the killer?  Similarly, my intent was for Cole to operate under the assumption that the protagonist knew his guilt in the murder, but was in the dark as to the protagonist's intentions, as well as a lingering "does he know that I know he knows" question.  I think this is one thing I may have whiffed on—the entire point of the third chapter (when the protagonist meets with Cole in the forge) was to establish the wasting room as a place that was ideal for a private meeting, but also ideal as a murder location.  During that meeting, I wanted to have a constant tension between Cole and Protag, with the lingering question of whether things would turn violent.  Based on reader feedback, it seems that I failed at this, so that's something to address in the rewrite.

 

 

Most of this story was discovery-written, which is something I'm a bit new to.  (I'm used to starting with a much higher outline:story ratio.)  I had a very broad outline (really just a summary of a few sentences) describing the main points I wanted to hit: Protagonist witnesses murder, protagonist colludes with murderer, protagonist betrays murderer by framing the guilty party.

 

As I discovery wrote this piece, I ran into several pitfalls.  Most of these came in the form of inconsistencies and things that just didn't make sense because I mostly invented things as I went along—stuff like the logistics of soundproofing the smithy in chapter 3 by flooding it, and minor logistical notes like the fact that in chapter 6 the protagonist throws roof tiles onto the ground when he is no longer standing on the roof.  The feedback I've gotten from this forum has been very helpful in this regard, as several users have done a pretty comprehensive job of specifically pointing out problem passages.

 

I think the other issue that I ran into was that things came out a bit "too smooth," especially toward the end when the plans are put into motion and the protagonist is barreling forward.  I will definitely try to introduce more "hiccups" and unexpected problems for the protagonist in subsequent rewrites, hopefully without going overboard too much—while I do want to see the protagonist overcome minor struggles along the way, I didn't want to distract too much from his central goal.

 

 

Questions for those who read the full story:

 

Nameless protagonist.  Good thing?  Bad thing?  Should the protagonist have more clearly-defined traits?  My intention was to portray the protagonist's character through his actions, but would more detail about physical attributes have helped?  What about the protagonist's intentions: are they too explicit, or not explicit enough?

 

The protagonist's (and Cole's) exploits tend to take one of two forms: social engineering (acting and smooth-talking to trick the various nobles they encounter), and physical action (sneaking around, using magic to eavesdrop, etc).  Which sections did you find most effective, which would you like to see more of?

 

In general: what worked, and what didn't?  When did you feel the story was at its best, and which parts were least enjoyable for you?

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As with the previous part of this story, I found it generally well written, and with some interesting ideas, but lacking in tension. Things do occasionally go wrong or get in the protagonist's way, but as you've mentioned he overcomes them so quickly and easily that I never feel like there's any real danger. Even at the end, Eril accepts his explanation as valid without much evidence or justification, going from almost killing him to letting him out straight away. It's all too easy.

p.4. As with the guards in the previous chapter, the extras here are a little too direct in their expositing. Makes for unconvincing dialogue.

'I remove a single item from my satchel and place it into the casket' - I realise that not telling us what item he's putting into the casket is probably meant to support mystery and suspense, but given that this is from the close PoV of a character who knows exactly what the item is I find that forced and jarring.

When the protagonist achieves his goal we aren't given much indication of how he feels. This made me realise that the same thing is happening throughout. There's little indication of his emotional state, and that makes it hard to empathise.

Overall, interesting story, but I think it needs more suspense and more emotion. I don't think that keeping the protagonist nameless and without a clear personal motive adds anything, and I think that the story could be strengthened by revealing more about him, and so making him more interesting to readers.

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A couple comments:

 

Pg 3: how long is the carriage ride?  His arms and fingers are going to get really tired...

 

pg 4: some more too on-the-nose maid and butler dialogue.

 

pg 5: and then he rides the carriage back.  It would be good to at least mention how tiring it is to ride under the carriage.

 

pg 13: the protagonist is familiar with the wasting room, so it seems odd that he wouldn't think it a trap with only two people until after being in the room.

 

I had to go back and read over the first chapter to answer some of my questions.  Having that fresh in my mind, I can see that this was all a set up for Cole.  That said, I was expecting something a little more.  The original premise makes a lot about Aether and how it works, but that isn't really involved in the heist at all except as a tool.  Instead, the protagonist states pretty clearly that he's going to do something to Cole because he's killed a nobleman.  So then he befriends him, then follows through on his promise.  There's not a lot of adversity in the story, nor is there much character to either Cole or the protagonist.  This is a novelette, and it's well written and has some good worldbuilding, but I think it needs some other "zing" in it to make it really good.  Something to give the protagonist trouble with his objective, or something to change the objective completely during the story.  As it is, I liked it, but I think it could be really impressive with some additional character and plot development.

 

One other tidbit--I got the impression Cole was a fire adept from the first chapter.  Is that correct?

 

Responding to your writeup and questions above (I wrote the above before reading it)

1) Name the protagonist.  It doesn't really matter for the story, but gives you a chance to increase the worldbuilding with a name and I don't have to type out "protagonist."  He doesn't really need identifying tags since this is 1st POV, but I don't think the intentions were completely clear all the time.  That can be good to increase some of the tension you're missing, but bad if it confuses the reader.

 

2) I like both the social engineering and the magic use.  I think putting them together shows the strength of the magic system.  I would use the combination more to overcome some of those new challenges you're going to include...

 

3) As stated above, and by andyk, the biggest problem here is the tension, or lack thereof.  I didn't ever feel much tension between Cole and the protag.  Cole is far too trusting.  t's written well, so that's the first hurdle handled.  I agree more character development will allow more tension, as will situations the protag can't readily handle.  On the other side, social or personal challenges from the other characters will develop him a lot more.  I think it was at it's best using magic in inventive ways to help out the style of the professional thief.  With that, you can give him greater challenges, and have him overcome them with combinations of social engineering and magic.
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I think I may be going the long we around to say things that Andy and Mandamon have said too, but hey ho, here are my comments before reading the forum, which I think give you my answers to your questions.

Despite the diatribe below (apologies), and my fairly extensive and detailed comments on earlier sections (more apologies), I have enjoyed The Wasting Room. True, I have been unconvinced with the mechanics of the action in several places, and I think there are various things that need rethinking, but those things are fixable, should you agree with the comments! There are also some (recurring) language issues, again eminently fixable.

I like the feel of the world, and that you did not name the protagonist. I like the idea of aether, although felt it was a bit underused. I get that it is scarce, and so was troubled how easily Protagonist found a plentiful supply suitable for his purpose (too easy), with no explanation.

For me, Protagonist gained Cole’s confidence too easily. I think it would play better Cole was harder to catch, perhaps even attempted a half-hearted double cross. Eril’s character was good though, she certainly came across as having a mind of her own and brooking no nonsense, not just a token female, although it’s a pity she didn’t have more to do.

In summary then, for me, it needs several more passes, but I think the story deserves to have that attention to make it better. I think it could bear expansion too, which I think would come naturally if you end up exploring any of my suggestions.

Thanks for sharing and good luck with it!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Page 1 - There are places you could consider more immediate language to inject more urgency into the tone (if that's what you want). For example, instead of ' I grab aholdhold of the rope and scramble back onto the roof.' > 'I grab the rope and scramble back to the roof.'

Page 1 - Repetition of 'guest hall' close together, and rear x2 in the same sentence. Also, 'vehicles and luggage' doesn't sound right to me, as one of them is loaded on and off, whereas the other is the origin or destination involved in the loading.

Page 1 - ' parallel wheel runs running along them' - ouch : ) - I would describe the wheel runs as tracks or ruts, also wheel tracks would be parallel by definition, so probably don't need to say it, readers will form that image for themselves.

Page 1 - I'm struggling with the layout. The description of the different pathways sounds as if he can see long distances into the estate, but I'm imagining him in a quadrangle, without any long views, because he is able to look at doors at ground level, so they must be opposite or at worst perpendicular to his vantage point. Also, I'm not sure how he can see such details of these different paths in the dark, as I can't imagine they would be as well lit as public paths today given level of technology, cost of lighting to a private purse, etc. But my biggest concern is the layout of these paths, as noted.

Page 2 - There's a lot of description him sneaking about, but as I've said, I can't get away from picturing a courtyard in which guards are stationed, so I'm struggling to suspend disbelief that he can just 'sneak' up to and under a carriage in this way. Sorry to repeat, but I don't think the distances and lines of sight work.

Page 3 - Calling everything an 'item' sounded clumsy to my ear. Dinner items are food, aren't they? And auction items could be described as auction pieces or lots, more precise term for something to be auctioned.

Page 3 - I struggle a bit with the image of the carriage going into the building, horses and all. That means devoting a sizeable area of a valuable building to horses just so a carriage can be offloaded under cover. I think that you would struggle to find an example of such a design in the floor plans of a building of the era that I am picturing. You might say that it's because of the value of the cargo. I would ask how often are auctions held here, is the waste of space really justified? Also, consider the smell. There's a good chance that the horses will do some unloading of their own while in there, and that could pervade the house, disturbing the guests. Furthermore, see my point below, if the cargo is valuable enough to devote space to inside loading, why are there no guards in the room?

Page 4 - Repetition of the word 'continue'. I've always felt word repetition sounds disjointed. There's always an alternative word(s) that will serve the purpose (e.g. 'go on' in this case maybe). There are, however, ways to make the repetition work by drawing attention to it, for example ' Her bored companion offers her no invitation to continue, but continue she does'.

Page 4 – If the cargo is so valuable, why would they leave it unguarded?

Page 4 – Hmm, now here’s a problem with first person, present tense. I don’t see a basis for the narrator withholding knowledge of what he’s putting in the casket. It’s obviously meant to be a surprise for the reader later, but there’s no way he describes it to himself in various details (size, weight, etc.) rather than just thinking of it as what it is – that feels like cheating.

Page 5 – Again you use the word estate to describe the building. I commented on this before, I think, the estate is everything within the grounds.

Page 5 – ‘damning testament to my shenanigans’ – that’s a great phrase.

Page 7 – He left the rope hanging?! I guess he might not have had a choice depending on how he tied it, but that seems very risky. If he commands air, could he not float it back up to the roof then float it down again if he needed it? He doesn’t seem to use his special abilities much. They are almost superfluous to the story, so far.

Page 7 – Also, my problem with the layout of the estate has resurfaced again. He seems to spend very little time under the carriage before it stops again. If they are going to use a carriage, and it’s going to do something else, it could well be travelling miles away, but it only seems to make very short journey so, conveniently for the story, he is back at the Guest Hall very quickly. I think you need to think about the scale of the estate and the distances involved, map it out and think about travel times, etc. You don’t need to quote these in the story of course, perish the thought, but I think it needs to be thought through so that the timing and distances are plausible.

Page 8 – I think you deal with the revelation of Rolondo’s head in a rather matter-of-fact way, I think it should be more dramatic. When it appears, you don’t reveal it right away, but describe it as ‘something’, but everyone in the room can see what it is, and Protagonist knows what it is, so the reader is in the only one who does not – that makes no sense to me. I think the crowd should be in uproar right away, but you insert a paragraph of slow, calm consideration when we should be getting an immediate reaction from the crowd – fear, revulsion, shock, horror – I'm not feeling any of those, partly because I don’t think the reveal is surprising, given what you described when Protagonist encountered Rolondo’s body.

Page 8 – All this said, I like the set up of your plot, tricking Cole into playing the role of Rolondo, to first be revealed as an imposter, presumably with worse to come, is a nice idea, and we learn here that Protagonist’s goals are (presumably) more noble than we might have thought, bringing Cole to justice and all. I think Protagonist crouching down in front of Rolondo’s body with a knife makes the reveal too obvious. For me, you would rework that to try and disguise it.

Page 9 – There’s a lot to like about how you handle Protagonist’s flight. I like very much that it takes a ‘huge’ (my word) amount of aether to achieve a very short flight, and it’s over very quickly. The problem arises from my earlier comment about his finding the aether. I think that’s a real problem. I can’t believe that there are four air adepts in rooms next to each, and they keep their aether supply where anyone could take it, it’s just not plausible. If air adepts are so common on the Bastielle Estate, then the duke/lord, who presumably supplies their aether, would have employed the ability of flight to his benefit, surely. I think you need to revise how Protagonist comes by the aether in the first place.

Page 10 – No, sorry, I can’t accept ‘oof’. It’s not a cartoon speech bubble situation. That was a comedy moment.

Page 11 – ‘And the people along this street have already begun the day by emptying their chamberpotschamber pots into the street.’ – Let the reader make the connection, it has more impact.

Page 11 – ‘If the smell of piss was enough to bother me, I'd have quit this line of work long ago.’ – Great line.

Page 13 – It’s not self-immolation unless he sets himself on fire, which I presume is not the case, just plane immolation.

Page 14 – Sorry, but ‘smooth criminal’ takes me straight to the Michael Jackson song.

Page 15 – I like the last scene, although I think it needs polishing. I like that Protagonist encounters an unexpected conflict at the end, but it resolves well. I think it could have a bit more punch, like she has the spear (or a knife) at his throat, and we’re not sure if she’s going to kill him kind of tension. In the end though, it’s nice that you finish with a moment of human contact, and the implication that there is, or could be, more between them. You leave the reader feeling optimistic (I think), and somewhat uplifted (for me anyway), and also with a punch-line which lingers, which I think is the right way to go – and it’s a nice line.

Edited by Robinski
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Most of you have pointed out that Cole seems far too trusting of protag, and after rereading the story in its entirety, I realize that this is the case.

 

This is actually the opposite of what I intended to achieve--I originally conceived the relationship between protag and Cole as being one based on mutual distrust--the notion of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer."  My intent was for Cole to have an understanding and awareness that protag was witness (likely the sole witness) to the murder, and that he was planning to cooperate with protag only long enough as it would take to find a window of opportunity to backstab protag.

 

In original draft of this story, things unfolded a bit differently.  Brief summary of the original concept:

 

Protag explains his plan to Cole as such: protag will hide within the casket with the stolen goods, and escape the event by way of the casket.  Cole sees this as an opportunity to betray protag: when the casket goes up for auction, Cole insists that the casket be opened, believing that in doing so, protag will be "caught" and apprehended by the Bastielle guards.  However, the casket opens to reveal not protag, but the remains of Rolondo.

 

 

This would highlight the role of mutual distrust between protag and Cole, as it pits them in a race to see who can backstab the other first--and in a somewhat poetic manner, Cole's betrayal of protag becomes his own undoing.

 

I ended up discarding this idea since it seemed a bit too far-fetched and logically inconsistent with Cole's character.  While it makes sense for protag to concoct an elaborate scheme to trap Cole, Cole has no need for such plans--in fact, Cole would rather see protag killed than captured, since dead men tell no tales and his entire reason for working with protag was to eliminate a witness to his crime, and we've already established that Cole has no problems with killing the people he works with.  It also has logistical problems: the men handling the casket would probably notice the weight of a person hiding inside. So I ended up writing that out entirely.

 

However, in discarding this idea, I'm now left with the problem that it's no longer clear that Cole's entire reason for going along with protag's plan was to betray him.  I'll see if I can rework something like that in; even if it's not the same implementation, I think it's important for the idea of mutual betrayal to exist in the story in some form.

 

 

 

One other tidbit--I got the impression Cole was a fire adept from the first chapter.  Is that correct?

 

 

In the original draft of the story, I conceived Cole as being a fire adept, and in fact selected the name Cole for that reason.  (Cole = Coal) In this original draft, Cole used his fire magic in an attempt to escape when the guards apprehended him at the end; he still got caught, but caused some havoc and destruction in the process.  I ended up writing this part out since it felt like just throwing in magic for the sake of magic; either way Cole's apprehension is a foregone conclusion, and I also felt it would be "messy" to introduce a new form of magic in the third act.  Cole being a fire adept is also irrelevant to every other part of the story so I decided to exclude that detail.

 

@Robinski--thanks for taking the time to go into such detail; the things you mentioned are all things that I'll fix during revision.  To address the specific point about the four adept's rooms, one thing that I didn't make very clear in my world building is that not all adepts possess the ability to manipulate air; this is alluded to briefly in chapter 3 when Cole alludes to the existence of fire adepts, but the magic system is based on the classic model of four elements (air, earth, fire, water), and adepts of all four kinds require aether to exercise their powers, hence the four rooms.  That being said, the fact that there are four rooms storing aether certainly isn't trivial (they're likely the only four rooms in the estate where he could obtain aether), and I'll endeavor to make that clearer in subsequent drafts; acquisition of aether should be a more significant challenge for the protagonist.  Another idea I'm considering is for protag to resort to looting individual rooms as plan B: he initially intends to steal from a central vault, but this task proves to be insurmountable, so he instead settles for stealing smaller quantities which collectively provide him with a quantity that suffices to fuel his escape.

 

Also regarding "Page 13 – It’s not self-immolation unless he sets himself on fire, which I presume is not the case, just plane immolation."  When trapped in the basement, the protagonist is at no immediate risk of burning to death as he is standing well away from the flames; if he is left in the basement, he will simply die of dehydration (and considering that the environment is many degrees hotter than a desert, this is a process that would take hours, not days).  However, if he is being left to die, perhaps he may wish to hasten his demise by leaping into the flames--a higher level of pain, but perhaps less torture than being left for hours to contemplate his own mortality while sitting drenched in his own sweat.

 

 

 

To anyone who has bothered to read this far, I'd like to toss out a couple ideas for your consideration:

 

 

 

I originally conceived the world of this story as being one where adepts are viewed as pariahs.  Common people are fearful of adepts (in the same way that some societies were fearful of witches or wizards).  Adepts are required by law to register with noble houses, as society at large holds the belief that the nobility have the ability to keep their adepts "in check" and in accordance with common law.  Adepts, due to their rarity, are sought-after by noble houses, and are treated well, but they wear (figurative) golden handcuffs, bound to serve at the pleasure of their lord and oftentimes being bound to a single estate for life.  Since failing to register as an adept places you in the category of "criminal," the only place you find unregistered adepts (such as the protagonist) is in the underworld.  Because of this, adepts are very secretive regarding their talents.  (This is actually still reflected in the draft I submitted to the writing group, as the protagonist never reveals his powers to anyone in the story.)  For example, an air adept will advertise his services as a freelance criminal not as "John Doe, master air adept" but rather "John Doe, master burglar," with the implication that he may (or may not) be an air adept.  Because criminal offenses involving magic are treated more seriously by the state, it is in the criminal's best interest to leave behind no evidence that magic is involved in his exploits; doing so would be considered "sloppy."

 

In another version of the story, I conceived the protagonist as an inquisitor working on both sides of the law.  By day, he works as an enforcer of the law, hunting down rogue adepts.  By night, he is a criminal adept, because stealing is the only way that he is able to fund his own practice of magic which he sometimes uses in his pursuit of criminals (unbeknownst to the state).  As an inquisitor, the protagonist is concerned only with hunting down rogue adepts; non-adept criminals (such as Eril) are just assets to him, and because he conceals his identity as an inquisitor, many common criminals simply regard him as a peer.  (Such is the nature of his relationship with Eril).  When the protagonist witnesses Cole killing Rolondo, he wishes to bring Rolondo to justice.  However, non-adept criminals are outside his jurisdiction.  If protag reports what he's seen to law enforcement, he invites all sorts of questions as to why he was lurking about, using magic to witness crimes.  So, protag begins pursuing Cole with one of two objectives: trap Cole and force him to get caught for his crimes, or force Cole to reveal himself as a rogue adept.  Toward the end, protag faces the inherent irony of his character, as he is employed by the state to hunt rogue adepts, while he himself is a rogue adept.  This version of the story was titled "Wizard Hunter."

 

Long before I condensed the story down to its current form, "Wizard Hunter" was actually envisioned as a larger story, of which "The Wasting Room" constituted the first of three acts.  At the beginning of the second act, Cole uses fire magic to escape from prison--and because he's now known as a rogue adept rather than just a simple criminal, he is within protag's jurisdiction, setting up a larger story which involves the protagonist chasing Cole across a larger landscape.

 

 

I began the project by writing out several scenes that I thought would be interesting--the first scenes I wrote were the opening in chapter 1 with protag witnessing murder, and the part in chapter 6 where the protagonist is using magic to control sound as he sneaks about.  I decided I wanted to tell a first-person present-tense narrative with limited scope, and The Wasting Room as you've read it is what came out.  The ideas above were not pursued because I felt that they distracted from the focus, but I find myself wondering if they could help to alleviate some of the common issues people identified with the story.  andyk and Mandamon both remarked on a lack of tension throughout, and constructing a society in which adepts are required to register with a noble house creates an inherent tension as the protagonist's very existence as an adept is an offense that commands a severe punishment; this could be amplified by changing the magic system such that using magic places the adept in a very vulnerable position that makes it obvious to anyone watching that they are using magic.

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I know you said you wanted magic to not be the focus of the story, but I'm more interested in the summary above than in The Wasting Room itself!  I feel like there's a lot of conflict that can be explored with the societal tensions of the adepts, rogue adepts, and scarcity of aether.  You have a good magic system set up, a la Sanderson.  Your magic is a physical thing, has a easy to understand use, and and is limited in abundance.  I think putting more "at risk" moments and making clear the protagonist can't reveal he is an adept will increase the tension a lot and let you play with using magic, but only in a way that is hard to detect.  Cole would also have some more tension added to his character if there is the risk that he and the protag might come to blows or cancel each other out using their adept powers.  Alternately, maybe neither knows the other is an adept at first, which means each would secretly assume he is the superior.

 

Just throwing some things out here, but the fact you've made story scenarios spin through my head with your explanation tells me there's some more material to be explored.

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I'm not sure about Protagonist working as an adept hunter, but I like the version you describe where Cole is the ultimate architect of his own downfall when he demands the casket to be opened. It wouldn't need to contain all of Rolondo's remains, just his head, thereby addressing the weight issue.

 

Like Mandamon, The Wasting Room itself seems very complicated, and doesn't actually seem necessary to the story. I'm sure it deserves to be the title of the story, which it would do if the decisive scene took place there - The Auction Room would almost be a more deserving title.

 

Some of the stuff about how aether magic fitsd into society is probably too involved to fit into a piece of this size, as Mandamon suggests. To me that would point you towards lengthening the piece. I think there are enough ideas to warrant that, and it would allow you to take the Eril / Protag relationship further.

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Hey guys, just one last thing that I wanted to articulate regarding the titular wasting room which I realize didn't come across very well in the draft I submitted.  My intent was to draw a parallel between Cole's meeting with Rolondo, and Cole's meeting with protag.  In explaining the wasting room, protag indirectly comments on the meeting he observed between Cole and Rolondo which led to the lord's demise.

 

Breaking down what I intended to imply through the dialog in this scene when protag is explaining the wasting room to Cole:

 

Text: We are in this wasting room because it's a place that is truly soundproof.  If you're going to meet someone privately, you want it to be in a completely private location.
 
Subtext: If you're going to kill someone, you want it to be in a completely private location.
 
Sub-subtext: That "private" meeting you had with Rolondo (where you killed him)?  Not as private as you thought it was.
 
And it's at this point that the dance of "I know you know, but do you know I know you know?" between the two begins.
 
There are probably other ways to achieve this besides having the wasting room as it currently is.  A less subtle alternative is just to have protag come right out and say, "I know you killed Rolondo, which is a problem for me because we had this heist planned, but no hard feelings, because you can help me salvage this situation," and Cole responds with, "I'll cooperate with you because it sounds like a good way to get rich," when he really means, "I'll cooperate with you because you're the only witness to the murder and I need to find an opportunity to snuff you."
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Like Mandamon, The Wasting Room itself seems very complicated, and doesn't actually seem necessary to the story...

 

LOL, maybe I should have read that back!!! But I suppose we're all complicated creatures in the end.

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Sorry I'm a little late on my feedback. Been a busy week of building VMware environments.

 

Anyway...

 

In summary, a lot of my comments will echo those earlier. I basically find that I am very interested in the story, but hindering my enjoyment is a number of mechanical and plot issues. The good news with that is that the story really does grab me, and I think once you fix some of these other issues that this will be really great stuff.

 

First, I need to say something about repeated words. You're going to want to work on this. We all do it now and again, but this piece does it a lot.

 

Example:

 

The  casket  is easy to find, being the most cumbersome of the items on board.  The  casket 's door is mounted on hinges.  I pull out my knife and slash at the wood affixed to the  hinges  until the hinges separate from the body of the casket, and I lift the lid off entirely. 

I remove a single item from my satchel and place it into the casket.  It's a hefty item perhaps ten pounds in size and several hands in length, and it fits neatly into the compartment.  This is what I've waited for.  I can only hope that things go according to plan from here.

I replace the lid on the casket and scan the area.

 

I know this is first person present tense (which I still don't advise), but you have a repeated sentence structure that can get a little tiring. Try to vary lengths and break up how you deliver the information. Also, do you Don a satchel?  That seemed odd.

 

I check the contents of my satchel and don it before heading back to the window of the attendant's quarters.

I grab ahold of the rope and scramble back onto the roof.  I look out at the guest hall.[CR2] 

 [CR1]Do you don a satchel?

 

Watch for passive voice or non-active phrasing.

 

I can surmise that the goods to be auctioned for tonight are ferried from deeper within the estate, through the cargo door.

 

I wasn't sure if he was actually walking here or just looking...

 

I follow the series of pathways that line the Bastielle estat e

 

There are a lot of cases where you can strike a number of words to simplify the sentence.  Always try to simplify sentences as it makes them easier to read. This is not to say "make them dumb" so much as it is to remove words that don't contribute anything important or new.  By the way, sometimes your repeated words are cases of this. Sometimes your repeated words are lost opportunities to tell us something we didn't already know by using a different word for the same object that implies something else about the scene or character.

 

Examples...

 

.  Some of the dirt paths sit scattered with debris.  They're all dimly lit by lanterns at each point they turn or intersect [CR1] 

 

 [CR1]“at each turn or intersection” Always try to simplify.

 

The other bears a much plainer appearance[CR1] , with stone underneath, the kind of surface built for bearing heavy loads.

 [CR1]Too complicated.

 

 

I reaffix my rope to the edge of the roof facing the carriage and lower myself to the ground.  I sneak my way [CR1] to the carriage, avoiding the lanterns scattered about the estate.  I can

 [CR1]Strike. Simplify.

 

I lie on my back, shifting my satchel to my front [CR1] so that it rests above me on my chest. 

 [CR1]Strike. Simplify.

 

is damp enough for me to easily dig out, so I pull out my knife and carve myself several handholds, removing woody pulp and leaving neat grooves in the wooden beams[CR1] .

 [CR1]Strike. Simplify.

 

You focus on the legs a lot when he's under the carriage. (another repeated word problem, btw). So it's legs legs legs... all as a part of the body, and then suddenly you use feet as a way of measurement, which is a little jarring.

 

The legs [CR1] advance until they are feet away from my head

 

 [CR1]Using legs and then feet in a different way stands out. Replace feet with “short distance”.

 

When he puts the item into the casket, he's not telling us what the item is. That's a problem in a first person perspective because you're inentionally not telling us something the POV character obviously would know all about.

 

The whole bit with him being surprised that he's dirty struck me as off. He seems very competent and that was a pretty big oversight. Plus, I can't imagine him being THAT dirty unless the trip was long enough that it destroyed his clothes... at which point, I would think the axle would have destroyed his skin as well.  Clothes are going to be tougher than skin.

 

Also the part of him not knowing another way out seems poor planning, and the fact that he didn't instantly know he could get back out by hiding under the carriage seems silly. It was an obvious thing to me, so as a reader I was left saying "Is this guy an idiot? Come on."

 

I would avoid having the narrator ask questions and then answer them...

 

I scan the room, looking for an answer.  Is there a window I can climb out of to get outside?  [CR1] N

 [CR1]Don’t ask yourself questions.

 

How am I to escape this room.  [CR1] I stare up at the underside of the carriage, looking for an answer.  And then, it hits me: the carriage.

 [CR1]Don’t ask questions.

 

 

 

I stopped at Chapter 8 because I didn't want to keep beating on these points and make you ready to kill me.

 

Again, I think you've got some interesting stuff here. You just need to unbury it a bit and you'll be good.

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