08/22/2011 - Mad_Scientist - Apostle of Death (V)‏

[Mad_Scientist]

For this week, I am sending a short story I wrote recently: "Apostle of Death." I originally started this story as a writing exercise to see if I could write a short story based on a starting line that went something like "(Character name) knew he would be dead in 10 minutes." It's my first attempt to write a short story. Since I was busy with family this past week I wasn't able to work on Solitude any more, so I decided to send this out instead. Let's see you think.

[Hubay]

I know you said this was a short story, but are you intending to follow up on it? I felt the ending, while it had closure, was very incomplete. If you don't intend to expand upon it, maybe you should create a more full circle of his character arch? Something where – depending on death's moral system – he comes to terms with the fact that he cannot kill the murderers he hates? I'm not sure what's necessary, just that right now it seems unfinished.

That said, I enjoyed the story quite a bit, and I liked your idea of the god of death. I'd be interested to see this expanded upon in greater detail. I'm curious what the apostles do to murderers, since killing them seems counter-intuitive.

The only other things that bugged be were your use of the world 'soul' and the flashback. I feel like your character might not think of himself, while dead, as being a 'soul.' I felt he might just think of himself as himself, and not think to make that distinction expect in an abstract sort of way.

The flashback bothered me because it was sudden and had no foreshadowing - and the voice sounded different than the rest of the story. Either the way you present it should be differently – as a discussion in dialogue or perhaps shown a little more by Astar instead of being remembered – or else you should hint at his history earlier. Instead of 'remember why you are doing this' be a little more obvious and say 'remember your parents' or 'remember the death you have seen in life.'

Otherwise, I liked the ideas presented in the story.

[akoebel]

I very much agree with Hubay's comments. The piece was very enjoyable to read, but it screams for a continuation. It felt so much that way that I said to myself "I thought this would be a short story! This looks like a chapter 1 to me." So, if you have ideas to continue this, you got yourself a wonderful start here.

The flashback didn't bother me that much. At least, it didn't pull me out.

What bothered me a little was the philosophy behind the whole story. It felt a tad too moralist for my taste : killing = bad seems a little too black and white to me. Doesn't it depend on the manner of the killing? Are some killings less offensive than others?

Now, maybe I'm in a minority here : I tend to dislike moralization as a whole.

Let not that detract you from the facts : this was a pretty good piece with an imaginative setting.

[cjhuitt]

I really liked the idea and setting.

I think the beginning could use a little more description, to play up the difference between him knowing he was going to die and the peacefulness he seemed to feel. A bit more description of the surroundings (to ground us, given that we spend a lot of time incorporeal in the story) might help. How old is Tarnin? How old are the other priests?

I also think adding the description of the ceremonial poisoning up front would help. That would set up the later reveal a bit more.

Do the apostles need to be young men (or women) for some reason? Would the pain of the murder that all the priests participate in be lessened or mellowed by living a lot of the allocated life? Or is it murder all the same? Interesting questions to ponder. You might want to consider hinting at answers to them, even if you don't outright reveal the answers.

Does the manner of poison, or the time, really matter? Another question I had on the second read. I'm starting to think I could really get into the setting if I can come up with all of these questions.

In many classic hero journey stories, the hero initially refuses (or wants to refuse) the task. In this one, you have him embracing the task early, then considering refusing it late. I wonder if that leads to some of the awkwardness in the ending, or the feeling that the story is cut short.

What is it about Tarnin that leads him to be able to recognize things so much more quickly in the spiritual world? This may also be part of why the story feels like only a beginning, because we get hints that there is something special about Tarnin, but it doesn't seem to make much difference in the story.

Finally, not that it needs particular emphasis, the end felt incomplete. Hopefully some of my other comments can help you figure out why.

[recovering_cynic]

I really have nothing new to add. I second everything that has been said already; they are all good points.

Mostly I second the fact that this story has enormous potential. Please do something with it.

Some thoughts and ideas I had while reading. The demi-god who takes Tarnin and tests him, a part of me didn't want to trust him, although eventually I overcame that. It just seemed like it might be really easy for another god, one without the best intentions, could snag a soul and infiltrate one of its minions into the apostles. The fact that it wasn't the god himself made me suspect this, but not by the end. Still, how does he know the demi-god was telling the truth?

Also, at one point you seem to mention a love interest, but the person receives no further mention. This puzzled me. The character didn't even look for her after he returned to life. The love interest could be used to better round out the story and make it feel more complete--that is if you are planning on keeping this a short story.

Part of me kept waiting for the main character to find out he had been betrayed or duped or that things were not as they seemed. There were plenty of surprises in the story, and they all worked, but they didn't provide the closure I was looking for.

Anyway, by all means, finish this piece. It's great.