shatteredsmooth Posted July 31, 2018 Report Share Posted July 31, 2018 Hi All, I had been hoping to send more of my novel-in-progress, but that just isn't going to happen today, and I'm already late. However, I do have this little 880 word piece of fiction I would love feedback on. The Snowflake Fairy Guide to Troll Hunting is not a traditional narrative -- more like satire told in the form of an artifact from a fantasy world. This is my third draft. My other readers have claimed it was politically neutral and partisan in spite of the word "snowflake" being part of its title. I think it leans a degree to the left, but my focus is poor online behavior, not specific political ideologies. Still, I'll list violence and politics as a content warning. So, my questions are: Is the voice consistent? Did it make you laugh? Where are they typos and missing words? What could I do to make it better? Thank you! Sara 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted July 31, 2018 Report Share Posted July 31, 2018 Is the voice consistent? --Yes, reads like an instruction manual. Did it make you laugh? --not...really. Made me a little uncomfortable thinking anyone might try out these tactics (I don't know who would actually do that, but who knows) Where are they typos and missing words? --Noted below What could I do to make it better? --I think more whimsy about hunting trolls would be better and less specific instructions about how to engage trolls. I think what's getting to me is that the "role model" in these instructions (the fairy) is the one with the poor internet etiquette, so it sort of spoils the point of the satire, to me, especially if you are trying to call out poor behavior. In fact, I just realized the trolls are technically not shown doing anything wrong! I think the politics are relatively neutral, though. Notes while reading: pg 1: "addresses (The Snowflake Fairy Guide " --See the Snowflake...missing a word. pg 1: "reveal the beings " --reveal the being's pg 2: I know this is satire, but I'm still a little uncomfortable with instructions to: "Engage in a debate with every one of them. Do not be afraid to escalate the argument by calling them names and using annoying eomjis" (emojis misspelled) and "make similar posts every day, some tame, others more extreme" it just sort of begs for people to be idiots. Same with "attend protests in public while wearing your human disguise. Tweet your plans to attend, and post plenty of image tweets while you are there" "amount" -> "number" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shatteredsmooth Posted July 31, 2018 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2018 Thank you for reading so quickly, and I appreciate the honesty. I shared two versions of this in a MOOC last week, and I got that feeling that half the people there thought commenting on writing was just about boosting people's egos. One guy actually called me out on too different comments for suggesting any changes when he thought the piece, obviously an early draft, was perfect as is. I noticed that person didn't comment on my work. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but I get really frustrated when I ask for criticism and don't get it. 26 minutes ago, Mandamon said: "role model" in these instructions (the fairy) is the one with the poor internet etiquette, so it sort of spoils the point of the satire, Interesting. I wanted the reader to leave reader almost pitying the trolls and realizing the narrator was sort of a villain. 19 minutes ago, Mandamon said: In fact, I just realized the trolls are technically not shown doing anything wrong! That was the point. The beings hunting the trolls were portrayed more internet troll than anything else. 21 minutes ago, Mandamon said: -not...really. Made me a little uncomfortable thinking anyone might try out these tactics (I don't know who would actually do that, but who knows) Interesting. Your not the first person to say that. Two of the people in the class who actually knew how to critique debated about this a while on my second draft. 35 minutes ago, Mandamon said: more whimsy about hunting trolls Ok. Maybe minimize the internet and have more domestic dragons and tracking spells. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted July 31, 2018 Report Share Posted July 31, 2018 50 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said: Interesting. I wanted the reader to leave reader almost pitying the trolls and realizing the narrator was sort of a villain. Ah. well then you have succeeded! I just wasn't...expecting that to be the point? I mean who roots for the trolls? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shatteredsmooth Posted July 31, 2018 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2018 2 minutes ago, Mandamon said: Ah. well then you have succeeded! I just wasn't...expecting that to be the point? I mean who roots for the trolls? No one except maybe other the trolls? I'm pretty sure the readers who laughed at it didn't actually read close enough to pick that up. This may be one of my "humanity is terrible and we're all monsters" pieces parading around in what it thinks is a funny chicken suit. Anyway, I have a lot to think about. :-) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted August 2, 2018 Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 (edited) Well, for one thing I love the title. In my rather simplistic way, I'm happy to take it face value, and not imply any undertones or overtures. It took me a moment to figure out what form I was reading, but I get it after the first few lines. "Unfortunately, their methods evolved..." - This seems part of the previous paragraph. Also, I don't really understand this bit about 'methods evolving with their prey'. It doesn't seem clear enough. In such a short piece, I'm looking for clarity rather than some kind of reveal at the end. "Trolls are instigating..." - I think this is a step too far. Are the trolls 'encouraging' it? It's still the humans who are instigating it, surely? The end of this first section, I feel, should be the disclaimer, which more conventionally would be at the end of something, I think. There's an inconsistency in the capitalisation of 'trolls'. I think it should be no caps, personally. Similarly, for me there are a couple(?) of instances where you need a capital (T)witter. The three lines ending "Trolls do not have feelings" were excellent. I went LOL, ROFL, LMFAO at that part "Sneak away from the protest..." - There's something missing here. It's too easy. How do we evade the troll and leave without the troll noticing? Need something more here, I think. The piece just stops. Even though it is user / how-to guide, it should still have a suitable crescendo at the end, I think: a twist maybe, or an unexpected punchline. It's anticlimactic as it is. Have said that, as a piece of flash fiction, I found it very entertaining, and got some goods laughs. Well done!! I think it will be much sharper and easier to whip through with some edits. LBLs in the mail <R> p.s. questions, sorry forgot: Is the voice consistent? - Pretty much so, I thought. Did it make you laugh? - Definitely, yes. Where are they typos and missing words? - All over the freakin' place (LBLs sent) What could I do to make it better? - As above, the biggest thing (barring word-smithing) is the lack of an ending. Edited August 2, 2018 by Robinski 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shatteredsmooth Posted August 2, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2018 @RobinskiI just saw the LBL's! thank you. Now that you mention it, there does seem to be something missing at the end. I'll work on that. Your comments will defiantly help me sharpen the piece. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted August 3, 2018 Report Share Posted August 3, 2018 I am actually on this week's subs I think! WOOOOOO Overal I felt like this really lacked what I think you were trying to go for. There are potentially clever bones, but the metaphors weren't upheld, nor consistent, and the satire fell more into diatribe. I'd suggest replacing real world platforms and such with other fairy tale imagery. Make it more complex. It's a social statement that comes off spiteful, with no real finesse, and I think the beats you want are either missing, or in the wrong places. Another layer or two of 'world,' I think, would bring this piece to what you're likely going for. Your questions Is the voice consistent? Yes, but the world is not, which makes the voice seem out of place sometimes Did it make you laugh? No. It made me raise my eyebrows a few times though Where are they typos and missing words? Might be a bit early for LBLs, but generally tense changes were problematic, especially at the start What could I do to make it better? Build the world 'thicker.' Build it 'deeper.' You start off strong with connecting real world internet trolls to fairy tale imagery. Go with that. Instead of calling out Twitter directly, find a great fairy tale metaphor to use. Modernize village callers or something. There's an episode of Lost Girl - one of the between season shorts, that does exactly what I think you're trying to do, very very well. I can snag you a link if you'd like. On 7/31/2018 at 1:10 PM, shatteredsmooth said: Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but I get really frustrated when I ask for criticism and don't get it. LOL well then, you've come to the right critique group! On 8/2/2018 at 10:08 AM, Robinski said: It's anticlimactic as it is. Yes this As I go - page one: too many tense changes - I'm not sure this is really doing what you want it to. If you're going to try to deliver a clever monologue on internet trolls (disguised as real, fairy tale trolls), then you'd want to also disguise platforms and other 'real world' stuff to maintain the illusion. Right now it's just a monologue about internet trolls, without any subtlety. - page 2: this keeps bouncing between satire and real and it makes it hard to stay invested in the narrative 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shatteredsmooth Posted August 4, 2018 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2018 21 hours ago, kais said: There's an episode of Lost Girl - one of the between season shorts, that does exactly what I think you're trying to do, very very well. I can snag you a link if you'd like. I'm not sure I've heard of Lost Girl, but I more less sacrificed anything with episodes to the writing gods a few years ago. I limit myself to two seasons per year (two shows, one season of each). But I could probably watch a short. 21 hours ago, kais said: Go with that. Instead of calling out Twitter directly, find a great fairy tale metaphor to use. Modernize village callers or something. I've done this with other stories, so I should be able to manage it with this one. Thanks!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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