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Prologue to The Chosen Ones


StrikerEZ

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This is very unpolished right now, but I finally figured out what I wanted the prologue to be for this story. The title of the series will probably change eventually, though.

Spoiler

     Dusk settled across the land, the sun’s dying light casting eerie shadows in the fallen city of Daspur. It had once been a marvelous city, full of magnificent towers, beautiful statues, and a joyous people. Now all that remained were rubble and broken corpses. 
     A tall, blonde man stood in the remains of what once might have been a castle. Karethi could no longer tell, and no longer cared. The battle here had been terrible; it had been a slaughter; it had been destruction. The Rim’s horrors did not discriminate between peasants and lords, between inns and towers. The loss of a castle was incomparable to the loss of a people. Victory was a bitter taste in his mouth, a reward with far too great a cost.
     Karethi walked away from the meeting place as he saw the last of his companions disappear over the horizon, a forlorn and dejected people following them. The survivors would live another day, maybe even rebuild what was once lost. The great city of Daspur would not be so lucky.
     He began to wander the city, walking down broken pavement. The corpses, both human and monster, littered the ground; he could not walk more than a few steps without stepping on one. His foot crunched against something on the ground; it was a fleshless bone. Karethi glanced at the body the bone was still attached to. The Rim’s creatures seemed to enjoy killing children just as much as adults.
     Karethi shivered, despite the heat and glaring sun. He hoped the battle had been worth it. Surely they had won. Surely there would be no more death, no more pain. His brother’s dying words still haunted him, though. Rekaral had been an evil man, fighting for the Rim, but those words…. 
     Prophecies were legends, superstitious tales meant to please the common folk. Yet, Karethi thought, I believe his words. I stabbed him with that piece of the Crystal, that must have given him some power to see the future.
     It didn't matter. He'd decided he would believe the words. The other pieces of the Crystal were already passed on to his followers; the magic would become tied to them and their people. They had already fulfilled the first part of the Prophecy. Karethi checked the pouch at his side. It was time for his part of the Prophecy.
     Karethi barely noticed the rest of the city as he travelled away from the center, towards the fields to the west of the city. There had been life there, once. There had been farms to feed the people, walls to protect the city, plants and trees and animals. Karethi stopped, standing in a scorched, barren plain. He started walking again
     He walked for hours, letting his feet carry him away from the destruction and the death. He walked around fires still burning. He walked around craters in the ground. He walked around patches of half-melted ice. He swam across a flooded river, the current attempting to take him away. He walked past a lone tree that had survived, split down the middle, it's branches reaching towards him. The very forces they had used to fight the Rim had also destroyed their land. 
     Karethi stopped walking. There was no reason to continue; there was no reason to stop. He just did. The sun had set several hours ago.
     From the pouch at his side, he pulled out a small piece of crystal. Not even a tenth the size of the fingernail of his smallest finger, the crystal glowed in his hands, a shining ball of light, banishing the shadows around him. Karethi crushed it, its light blinking out. The crushed pieces fell from his hands, getting carried away by the wind.
     He turned around to watch as a mountain began to form in the distance from the way he had come, where the city of Daspur once stood. It rose from the ground, jagged and monstrous. Karethi hoped nobody would ever have to come back to this place, would never have to climb those peaks. He knew they would have to. And they would bring the end of the world.
     Karethi, once King of Leandra, greatest warrior to ever live, most powerful [elemancer] in ages, was now just a man. He walked farther and farther away, the sun beginning to rise, bringing light to a new day, to a new world. A world free of the Rim.
     The growing mountain cast a shadow over him.

@The One Who Connects @Steeldancer @Nathrangking @Belzedar @Calderis @Hemalurgic Headshot @King Cole @Dragon314 @Unodus I went back and checked old topics I've made about this story, and you were all interested, so do you think you could read this and tell me what you think?

@Darkness_ @Chaos @Argent @Extesian @Ecthelion III @Elenion @Sunbird @Bleeder You wanna read it?

Edited by StrikerEZ
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Hell yeah. Only question I have is what word was meant here?

37 minutes ago, StrikerEZ said:

a shingles ball of light,

"Shingles" doesn't seem to fit, and I don't know what word you meant. 

Overall I think it strikes the right balance of making me ask questions to keep turning pages, without seeming to be trying to be mysterious. 

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4 hours ago, Calderis said:

Hell yeah. Only question I have is what word was meant here?

"Shingles" doesn't seem to fit, and I don't know what word you meant. 

Overall I think it strikes the right balance of making me ask questions to keep turning pages, without seeming to be trying to be mysterious. 

Stupid autocorrect. That should be shining. 

And thank you! It took me several hours to get that right, without giving too much away. And to think it's only 700 words...writing a book is hard :P.

Also, I realized that his thoughts weren't italicized. 

Edited by StrikerEZ
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@StrikerEZ I am intrigued. The methodology of description and world immersion is something near and dear to my own heart. I applaud what you have begun to do. I felt the whole time the need for more. You have created great hooks which grab at the readers attention and keeps us focused. Well done!! Keep it up!!  

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1 hour ago, Nathrangking said:

@StrikerEZ I am intrigued. The methodology of description and world immersion is something near and dear to my own heart. I applaud what you have begun to do. I felt the whole time the need for more. You have created great hooks which grab at the readers attention and keeps us focused. Well done!! Keep it up!!  

Thank you! This story is very dear to me. It's come a long way, and there's still a lot more to do (like actually write the whole book), but I'm excited to finally share the prologue with people. It makes me happy to know you're liking it so far. 

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This type of prologue is dear to me as well, and this is a pretty good execution of it. It worked for the Wheel of Time, it worked for Stormlight, and I think it'll work for you, @StrikerEZ. The only thing I'd recommend is that, like the Stormlight and WoT prologues, you could add more of an event to this. A meaningful conversation seems to be part of the formula. Maybe Karethi could be debating this prophecy issue with one of his "companions" instead of just within his own mind.

But you definitely have my interest. I'd love to see more.

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2 hours ago, Belzedar said:

This type of prologue is dear to me as well, and this is a pretty good execution of it. It worked for the Wheel of Time, it worked for Stormlight, and I think it'll work for you, @StrikerEZ. The only thing I'd recommend is that, like the Stormlight and WoT prologues, you could add more of an event to this. A meaningful conversation seems to be part of the formula. Maybe Karethi could be debating this prophecy issue with one of his "companions" instead of just within his own mind.

But you definitely have my interest. I'd love to see more.

Thank you! That means a lot that you're comparing my work to two of the greatest fantasy authors I know. 

Yeah, I know that not much really happens. That's an issue I need to work on. But I don't know how much I want to reveal about his conversation with his companions. I'll definitely think about it though.

There probably won't be a lot more of this any time soon. This is a story that I want to be like my Wheel of Time or Stormlight Archive. I want to have far more experience writing and possibly even get published before I ever truly write this story. I just recently had an 'aha' moment for the prologue, and I couldn't not write it and forget about I think later.

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I've been tagged in a few creative endeavors lately, my time is very limited unfortunately so while I appreciate the appreciation, it can be hard for me, for which I feel bad. But given our longstanding history I owed you a quick read.

I want to read more. 

That says it all.

Edited by Extesian
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3 hours ago, Extesian said:

I've been tagged in a few creative endeavors lately, my time is very limited unfortunately so while I appreciate the appreciation, it can be hard for me, for which I feel bad. But given our longstanding history I owed you a quick read.

I want to read more. 

That says it all.

Thanks! That means a lot!

Unfortunately, there (probably) won't be a lot more of this any time soon. I might mess around and try to get an idea for the first few chapters, but this is a story I want wait to write until I'm a much better author.

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Very nice, Striker! That prologue definitely does its job as a hook--I'm already eager for the rest of the story. Really enjoyed your prose too. It's got a good balance of feeling epic and momentous but not stilted or overly old-fashioned. Wishing you all the success with this project! :)

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7 hours ago, Sunbird said:

Very nice, Striker! That prologue definitely does its job as a hook--I'm already eager for the rest of the story. Really enjoyed your prose too. It's got a good balance of feeling epic and momentous but not stilted or overly old-fashioned. Wishing you all the success with this project! :)

Thank you! 

It makes me really happy that so many people think this is good. 

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