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I read the first half and skimmed the rest. (I'm at work so it's hard for me to do more than that) and I really liked the story-building. But I feel like I haven't really connected to any of the characters yet. In my opinion, I like to already feel like I know one character by the end of the first chapter, and I didn't really get that feeling. The story itself seems very good to me though. 

On a personal preference note, I prefer books that have action-ey opening sentences, paragraphs and pages. Your first sentence was good, but IMO it described too much detail, and not enough action during the remainder of the first page. I think that's just a personal preference though, as I'm sure others like to know what the surroundings and background is right from the beginning. 

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I also want to add, that I had kindof struggled differentiating who was who. There were a lot of pronouns used. You may want that style specifically, or it may have been because I was trying to read your story while working. 

When I get off work, I'll try reading it again, in a more relaxed environment.

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Hi. I've read the first half and skimmed the rest. I also commented on a couple of things I found a bit weird in your writing style but it seems you already found those :) 

First of all. It seems like an interesting setting. I think it makes a good opening for the story. But like @Cadmium Compounder said I didn't feel that I could connect with neither the characters nor the setting as a whole.

I don't think you need action scenes in the beginning or something. What's happening in the scenes isn't bad or boring per se. I just feel that for one your scenes lack description and they feel very short. But second and that's more important I have no idea why I should care about what happens. I think it would be good to know why the characters are doing this and it would be even better if it had some future ramifications for them. 

On to a closer look. I feel like the breaks between the scenes are very extreme. Like the whole mood changes in a really extreme way. I don't know how to better describe this but it made me feel as if I was somehow struck from behind by the next scene. like getting to a new scene was like junping into ice water. I would recommend working on those beginnings

You also tend to make very long sentences without connecting the subsentences (not sure if that is the right word) or by making lists. Try cutting down on sentence length or at least connect them with conjuctions.

I also felt your descriptions where jumping around a lot. in one scene you start with the journey then the architecture of the city, then sounds, then trade goods then somehow the weather on the journey and the landscape. That was the most obvious example bit I saw it in other places too. Try to stick to a logical order in your descriptions. 

I think that was all for the first half. I will tell you when I have had tome to read the second half in dept.

@DrakenShadow on another note: why did you tag me in your OP. I've only been active on the shard for two days. how could you know that I would be the right person to critic your story :huh:?

Edited by Rhapsody
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Ah man I'm honoured you hold me in such high esteem, is pleasant to be greeted as such after a year of inactivity :P 

I'm just gonna say it off the bat that I don't have the time to be involved in this. If you have smaller inquiries or questions hit me up but I don't have the time to look over 30 pages of writing :P 

Thanks regardless man.

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