Jump to content

Codair_6/25/18_Oomph opening revised_2790 words (VLD)


shatteredsmooth

Recommended Posts

Content warning: Violence, Language, Drug reference
 
Hi All,
 
I promise I will be getting caught up on feedback soon. 
 
I emailed a drastically rewritten/shortened version of the Oomph novel. I did try starting on the moon like many of you suggested, but after three starts and stops, it just didn't feel right. So I went back to an earlier suggestion of starting with the Grefantan knocking on the HoBo's window. 
 
There is minimal description of the setting in this version since they are not on Earth for long. All the driving around, talking to random people, and waiting is pretty much gone or condensed to a sentence. So, is the pacing better? Are the stakes high enough? What about the voice? Did I cut too much world building? Am I still stuck in the same problems there? 
 
 Aside from final proof reads, the hardest part about writing for me making people feel connected with the characters and/or their emotions, partially because in real life, I struggle to connect with people and have very delayed and sometimes illogical reactions to things. Is that any better in this version? 
 
I'm always open to people pointing out typos, especially since I seem to be leaving out articles lately and not realizing it. However, this is still an early draft, so don't go out of your way to look for them.
 
Thanks!
 
Sara
 
 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Overall, this is much better than the last time around, and gets us right into the story quickly. I think it's fine to have this bit on Earth before getting ot the moon. I'm much more invested in the main characters, and I already know more about Oomph. I do have some questions about the government surveillance state, but if they're going off world anyway, and not coming back, then it's not a big concern.

D has enough personality for now, especially as this section is so quick that we're more caught up in the action and adrenaline. I'm willing to wait for the next chapter or two to start digging into the character building. I think this works well as it is.
Looking forward to more!


Notes while reading:
pg 1: "their L-shaped tonged"
--I still don't get how this works. Is the L pointing up, or to one side? Also "tonged" -> "tongue"

pg 1: this opening is a lot better than before. Going right to the drop makes me interested in what Oomph is, and what the MC's mother wants.

pg 2: "that keep me from connecting my energy with the Oomph, the web of life-energy the government fears"
"condensed so someone like me can work telekinetic wonders or blow s**t up without using up all my own life force or that of the beings around me"
--The descriptions of Oomph are a bit telly and infodumpy. Can you show us these things later, especially since the MC doesn't know how they work anyway?

pg 3: "can sense the exchange of Oomph between a being and the grid"
--First, what grid? Second, being able to sense any interaction means the government has very tight control on a lot of other things as well. This is a complete surveillance state.

pg 5: "Too bad that wasn’t part of his delivery today."
--Couldn't the MC just ask him for one, then? Promise to deliver an extra one next time?

pg 6: "turns his back on me and vanishes into the marsh"
--did he give her the cred stick?

pg 7: "Their bots would pick up, and they could shoot me. But SE wouldn’t dare come is here."
--but if the government can trace all this, wouldn't they just mark the MC and pick them up later?

pg 9: The fight has good tension. Also good to learn some about what Oomph does, this early.

pg 12: "If any of their bots or coms transmitted data"
--wouldn't they have done this as soon as the fight started?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

Overall, this is much better than the last time around, and gets us right into the story quickly.

Yay!! I'm glad to hear that! Thank you.

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

This is a complete surveillance state.

I need to clarify -- they don't have these sensors everywhere. That would be too expensive, but the SE agents carry then on their person. It's not a total surveillance state. They don't always bother enforcing laws until something they really care about like something related to Oomph, or an insurgency, pops up. And in an area where they don't usually bother to keep a presence, one where surveillance equipment is destroyed quicker than its replaced, tracking a person, especially who isn't an Oomph user, is harder. Al and Zeek could've probably evaded SE for a while but once Di gets involved, they are in much deeper. 

 

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

wouldn't they have done this as soon as the fight started?

Good point -- I'll reword so it's not an "if". Di knowing SE got it raises the stakes. :-)

Thank you!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey, good to get another read at this. I've sent to LBLs back by email.

Chapter "first"

Good, snappy introduction, maybe almost a bit too brief, but I like how you rattle straight into it, and get some of the major elements out there. This will certainly pull me forwards. I think the description (what there is) could be a bit stronger, more vibrant. Consider involving other senses. Does the alien smell of anything? What about the inside of the car?

Chapter "second"

I expressed doubt about the delivery time in C1 (20 minutes). Case in point here. If Di has to park the Ho, walk to the park bench, have a conversation, get back to the Ho, drive to the diner; that will take 20 minutes alone, never mind four other deliveries.

Well, certainly can't fault you for brevity. In the first version there was some kind of reveal about Di/Bo, I think. I kind of missed that more substantial element to their meeting, but I still learned or consolidated some stuff about setting, etc., and Di seems to have clear impetus to move forward through the story.

Chapter "third" 

"celebrate a successful heist" - Why do they all have to be criminals? It seems kind of obvious and a bit 'low-hanging fruit' to be honest. I'd rather the hybrid wanted to go into a song-and-dance number because he just won a crossword competition, or collected $10 from each player because it's his birthday.

Who is Marge?

"Time slows to a pace that would even be torturous to people with patience" - Talking of torture; someone call Gramnesty International :P 

"O may be a death sentence..." - This is the first I've heard of it, but Di is about to use it with me understanding the stakes.

Summary 

I enjoyed this, but it was so fast paced that I found it almost insubstantial in places. I think I would have been more satisfied with just a bit more detail here and there. Not necessarily with the setting, but could be characters, or explanation of certain actions or artefacts. This said, if you are heading towards another place where the bulk of the action will take place, maybe it's not a bad thing, but I still think a little embellishing would improve this first part.

On the characters, there is very little to latch onto with the side characters. It's a bit disappointing after we learned more about them in the first version. I feel like we got a better picture of R before, and indeed of A and Z, now there's very little to make them characters in my mind.

While we get an idea of how D reacts to thing, we're not really sure why, or what motivations are driving D. There a remark about leaving the planet, and references to D being treated badly by Mom. Is it enough to carry me on to the next part? Definitely. Would I like a bit more background in the first bit in order to become more deeply invested in D sooner? Yes.

It's still a good read but, for me, I think it's swung too far towards brevity.

<R>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, Robinski said:

It's still a good read but, for me, I think it's swung too far towards brevity.

When I was a teenager, and my dad taught me to drive his boat, I would be a little of course one way, but I would turn the wheel to hard and end up off course the other way. I'd zig-zag my way across the bay until I got a feel for the currents. Revision is a similar experience. 

Hopefully, having streamlined the course of action in these chapters, I will be able to go back and add meat to bones without slowing it down too much. 

Thank you for the comments, and the LBLs! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey, I focused mainly on my senses of plot and character development. There are a few mentions in there with missing words and stuff but I stopped then when I realized that likely people more qualified then I would have mentioned it already, and for those who like to do that *stares at @Robinski*

Overall:

Admittedly before my mom passed I hadn’t gotten farther then a page in from your first iteration. This this was way better then what I found there. I had a really hard time following that first page and this one was way easier and had a much better flow to it. I was able to follow the whole thing from start to finish.

The action and motivations of the various characters were a bit hard to follow at various points, but not so badly that it couldn’t be made clear and understandable. There is a big question in my mind as to whether or not this is a police state. Some of the unclear parts would make more sense if that is the case but I didn’t find much evidence to it. This may be because your story follows the criminal element in society. You might want to make it a little bit clearer, if you did it might also up the sympathy for D and company, which right now isn’t that high with me for anyone but Z and his mom.

From the reading:

-The first sentence really tripped me up. It just doesn’t make sense I read it five times, did you mean shakes?

-dangling arms implies lack of placement intent/awareness, but if the arms stop just before the stunner then it seems there is an awareness about the placement, kind of seems contradictory to me.

-Page 3 should be “cares enough to spend”

-I feel like when you should lead with R caring about D rather than him being a bouncer. D obviously cares about him, so I would think D considers him a friend first and a bouncer second.

-Are A and D angry at the end of page for. When things slam shut, and people better not be late, the tenor feels like there is some tension there.

-Do D and B have some sort of history? Their exchange feels more then just transactional in nature.

-I feel like the timing gets lost, at the end of page six D has completed 5 deliveries in less then 20 min? that seems like a rather tall order especially with how long the last exchange takes.

-I feel like it should be ‘The SE’ I don’t really imagine myself saying “if FBI saw me, I’d be dead” I would say “If the FBI saw me, I’d be dead.” It maybe personal but it feels wrong.

-I think the animus for the SE showing up is a bit week. I get that you are trying to make the SE a sinister organization, but I don’t see that enough for it to make sense that they would arrest some random person who might know about something and their family and friends who likely don’t know anything about anything. That’s kind of a Soviet style move and the environment you have built doesn’t seem that way to me, the society seems too open.

-How do we know the man is in a suit and sweaty if he is in the back with the pots and pans?

-I think saying they draw the weapons is too early, it would feel more sudden if you just said half the people fired in the room.

-are you purposely anthropomorphizing the Oomph tentacle? If not maybe say annoying instead of idiotic?

-With the blasters, is the Oomph giving some sort of precog or enhanced perception? You say the bolts fly toward D but the explosion happens and kills the agents but not D and the others.

-In the explanation with R, D tells him she felt the weapons, but the scene in the diner played out more as an experience, something that actually happened.

-The last discussion with R and D doesn’t feel right. I would think D would have more emotion at what seems like a betrayal from R. Then D gets mad at R for talking bad about V, when she has evidenced no closeness or emotional attachment to V at all.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Jorville said:

I think the animus for the SE showing up is a bit week. I get that you are trying to make the SE a sinister organization, but I don’t see that enough for it to make sense that they would arrest some random person who might know about something and their family and friends who likely don’t know anything about anything. That’s kind of a Soviet style move and the environment you have built doesn’t seem that way to me, the society seems too open.

 

This part is giving me headaches but I do need to find a way to make it clear. It's kind of like the government is on a fine line between police state and not, and freaks out about Oomph whenever it pops up. BUT the reason Z says his mother got arrested isn't the whole story -- there is stuff Z doesn't know his Mom that comes up later. Would having the characters react a little more shocked at her arrest help? It's like she was on a watch list, but Z and friends don't know this. 

 

Anyway, thank you for the comments! They are very helpful. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Jorville said:

Oh come on, I implied you were more qualified then I(Which is true by all accounts)! Also I appreciate it when you do it to me, but that maybe because I am masochistic. :P

No, no. I do take it as a compliment (sadly?). I'm not sure I know what "<_<" actually means. I thought it was kind of knowing acknowledgement, or bashful self-awareness? Perhaps not.

*and if 'opinionated' is a synonym for 'qualified' then I'm qualified!! :lol: 

Edited by Robinski
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Would having the characters react a little more shocked at her arrest help? It's like she was on a watch list, but Z and friends don't know this. 

I think it would, also maybe a glimpse outside of the underworld could make it make a little more sense. I can understand the headache though, it will be difficult to get that in there without breaking the pacing and flow of the story.

Edited by Jorville
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Robinski said:

No, no. I do take it as a compliment (sadly?). I'm not sure I know what "<_<" actually means. I thought it was kind of knowing acknowledgement, or bashful self-awareness? Perhaps not.

 

@QuirkyGrandpa says its a disgruntled look, I might have thought that it was bashful if it had a blush. lol, our society crumbles when emogies fail.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 minutes ago, Jorville said:

@QuirkyGrandpa says its a disgruntled look, I might have thought that it was bashful if it had a blush. lol, our society crumbles when emogies fail.

ROFL

Oh dear; classic example of when to not use symbols /words when you don't know what they mean!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I made some changes and I think I am going to file the rest of the comments and any future ones aside for after I rip the rest of the book apart. It is so easy to get hung up on my first twenty pages or so and I know there are major gaps later on.

Thanks! 

Edited by shatteredsmooth
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't really have any comments that haven't already been covered here. It has veered a bit too far into the brevity side of things, but it is also a big improvement over the first version, so, maybe just some careful course correction in this regard. 

I like that this version gets into the plot faster and the explanations feel less bulky. Mom's conniving is shown sooner (if she really did remove the stash of pills) and R is given a real introduction. He feels like a father figure.

I agree that the logic of the SE and how they watch for Oomph users is still confusing, and @Robinski's comments about low-hanging fruit in the diner are spot-on. I feel like a pop-up diner ought to have some boho hipster types in there just for the "retro ambiance" or something maybe... 

The description of oomph is actually clearer in this version, despite the fact that it's being given in smaller pieces over a longer stretch of pages, though I did get confused by the mentions of grids and tentacles. It's not bad imagery, it's just not being laid out in a way that I can visualize quite yet. It's getting there, though!

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

 

Overall

This is better than the first sub, definitely. A bit choppy in places, and the through line takes a bit to come through, but we do get there. Generally I think the piece lacks a sense of wonder and the (as you already noted) lack of emotional resonance. D, especially, needs to either emote more or think about emoting more or do more actions that allow us to intuit emotion. @industrialistDragon always tells me "emote for the cheap seats!" since I tend to have similar issues when writing characters. 

Any other comments I had have been well covered by others so I'll leave this with a 'looking forward to reading more!'

As I go

- page two: while page one had a good hook, page two is coming across a bit choppy. I think a bit more setting to ground us would be helpful at this juncture

- page 4: at the end of the chapter I'm left with a sense of confusion. What is the through line? Our protag needs to take a suppressant and I understand why, but I don't yet care about them (them? zir? I don't think protag has pronouns established yet) enough yet for this to hook me.

- page five: "...make him look like a piece of it." A piece of what?

- page six: better emotion in this chapter, and I am much more interested in D now that I have some stakes. I'd love to see that last paragraph expanded out a bit. I'd like to get more of D's mindset, their trapped feelings, the thoughts on having to take suppressants, afraid for their lives from the government, that sort of thing

- page 12: same as above for the end of the last chapter. I want more from D about how they feel. They have an ancient artifact in their pocket that got their friend's mother arrested. What do they think about that? They just used Super Special Powers! Did it feel awesome? A release? Painful? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, kais said:

D, especially, needs to either emote more or think about emoting more or do more actions that allow us to intuit emotion.

A few months ago, a friend bought me a craft book specifically about writing emotion. I haven't gotten myself to open it yet (I see the value of craft books but I hate reading them), but I really need to.

However, with the last two or three books I read, I have been making notes about emotion. So hopefully I successfully apply that as I revise...

 

Thank you!!! And I hope you're having a smooth recovery. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...