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Robinski - 180625 - AK Dead Horse - Part 3 - 4465 words (LSG)


Robinski

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Here is Part 3. Any and all comments much appreciated. 

I trust that my fading out the earlier text is working alright when you open the doc? It's just easier to submit that way, but let me know if it's bugging you, as I certainly don't want you to feel that you need to read anything earlier, if it's coming through as 'black' text.

Kind regards, Robinski

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Sent you LBLs again, good sir. 

There's some great writing in this one, and some potent little moments conjured from powerful description. There's also some fat to trim on later drafts imo. 

I've noticed the protag is not a very active character. Despite his attitude and the forceful writing, he gets carried along with things perhaps a little too much (I'm not sure he's taken a single action to propel the story...things have just happened *to* him; he's passive). In part 1 he gets caught pretty quick. In Jail, instead of taking more kind of awesome practical action (with those sparrow bones I'm so fond of), he just waits till he's released and goes along with things. And at the end of part 3 it's the same thing...stuff outside his control happening to him with no action, dilemma or decision on his part. You've conjured quite a powerful motivation and intent for him to start taking action toward getting his redemption, but we've not really seen it yet. Hoping for some of that soon. 

All that said, the story is still interesting, the main characters are distinctive and effectively communicated through powerful description. I'm looking forward to reading the next part. Please keep writing : )

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Also sent LBLs, but I picked out some specific comments below. I think my biggest issue with the story is J's relation with his family. Something still seems off about it. Were they separated from each other for all 3 months? If there's so much loyalty between them, then why didn't they try to visit?

 

pg 17:"From there I could watch for the Gull, and torture myself, although it was dawning on me now that I couldn’t stay away no matter how bad my deeds. They were my family, and I must face them."
--I think this might be what’s confusing me with the family thing. He wasn’t able to help them because he was thrown in jail. But they depend on him, so shouldn’t he be running to make up what he can as soon as he can, if he really cares for them?

pg 18: Is iron money? How does it compare vs. coins? Confused.

pg 18-19: Something seems off with this whole fight, and I’m not sure what it is. Maybe that they should have figured out where he was after three months? Or the family could have reached out in some way?

pg 20: I dunno. I still don’t really believe all this. If they were living so close to the edge, and depending on J to do risky work to support them, I feel like there should be some expectation that he might fail now and then, even if they didn’t have a backup plan. To pin all of this on him when he was doing his best to provide for them seems harsh.

pg 21: "one of the few women of colour"
--Is this even a thing there? Were people of color traditionally discriminated against in this country's history, to make this a concept people think about?

pg 24: "C’s hips pressed again mine. “Sorry, sir,” she said clearly."
--Wait—C owns the inn?

pg 26:"He had lost more than I had, but dammit, I was right. I put an arm around his shoulder"
--Not sure what’s going on here. What did G lose? WRS?

pg 27: Something's off in the blocking on this page. I'm not sure what's going on.

pg 28:"That meant bluecoats, and that was a relief. Since there was no cause for them to arrest us..."
--Would it have been someone else? 

pg 29: okay, that's an interesting twist..

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Dead Horse Notes, for this submission and the previous one. 

This is much better than the first versions I read, especially the part in the prison. The narrator’s actions make much more sense, there is more tension, and the stakes are clearer. I’m glad you left out the early romantic stuff, since without that distracting me, the rest of the set up worked so much better. I’m guessing it could return later, but now you have a much better set up for it. Very subtle hints at attraction early, and then having kiss with C in the barn to try and fool the blue coats, sets up for some possible tension as the job gets going. And now that I know the characters better, it will be less distracting.

G’s betrayal was more or less well handled. I was a little surprised by it, but it made sense, especially with him being all nervous.

I was a tiny bit confused at the end of the last scene – so they are doing the same heist, only with the government in on it? And maybe stealing something more specific than just gold and jewels? If this becomes clearer in the next section, you might not need to elaborate further.

 

Notes as I read:

p. 4

“he’d trusted me” I thought while the very first version had too much description, this opening was very internal.

“I could make this right. I had to.”  This line really made the motivation and the stakes clear. It made things matter to me.

“squabbling noisily over scraps” you can cut nosily. Gulls squabbling is enough for the reader to know it’s noisy.

p.5 “Every car player” did you mean card player?

p.6

“; a pile of lobster creels and crab pots against the stone building.” So I know this is secondary world, but I got pulled out here thinking about how lobsters were only eaten as a last resort, and harvested by hand but not trapped, until the mid to late 1800’s in New England. And since this world has an feel of something pre-1800’s, I think of the traps, or creels, not belonging there. But most people probably wouldn’t think this, and lobstering may have other history in other parts of the world, and this isn’t set in north east America anyway. So it’s probably irrelevant.

“I pulled the gate too, snatched” Something is off. Pulled the gate too ___  / if you are using too as meaning also, it isn’t working because it is in the first sentence of the paragraph.

“young ladies of Qauwney, and Lautless, apparently.” Do you really need the apparently on the end there? There were a couple other places where you had an adv on the end of a sentence and it bugged me. It’s not incorrect, just kind of interrupts the flow of the narrative in my head.

Page 12 – the who dialogue around this page was much more believable and easy to follow. Same for page 15.

Page 16 “Money could make this right, somehow.” You have a great end to the chapter with suspense and clear stakes

Page 20 went inside.” Extra quote

Page 21 “This treacherous thought of treachery” It makes me giggle, but it also pulls me out of the story.

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23 hours ago, Mandamon said:

If there's so much loyalty between them, then why didn't they try to visit?

This didn't occur to me. Once I heard about them losing the house, I assumed they were too busy trying to survive to visit. Before that, I wasn't sure they even knew where he was and why he was missing. 

 

On 6/25/2018 at 11:57 AM, Majestic Fox said:

he gets carried along with things perhaps a little too much

I got too caught up in the voice to realize, but after thinking about it, I do agree with Fox. He makes a choice to work with them, but also made it sound like it was his only option. He showed a little more agency at the end telling them to do the heist before the big party, but otherwise, yes, things have been comming to him and taking him along. He hasn't acted with much independent agency. 

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On 25/06/2018 at 4:57 PM, Majestic Fox said:

I've noticed the protag is not a very active character. Despite his attitude and the forceful writing, he gets carried along with things perhaps a little too much (I'm not sure he's taken a single action to propel the story...things have just happened *to* him; he's passive). In part 1 he gets caught pretty quick. In Jail, instead of taking more kind of awesome practical action (with those sparrow bones I'm so fond of), he just waits till he's released and goes along with things. And at the end of part 3 it's the same thing...stuff outside his control happening to him with no action, dilemma or decision on his part. You've conjured quite a powerful motivation and intent for him to start taking action toward getting his redemption, but we've not really seen it yet. Hoping for some of that soon.

Hey, Mr. Fox, fantastic comments, as usual. This one is absolutely spot on, and I will need to address this. I don't see it changing the flow of events, but there's not excuse for me not to retrofit some instances of him having more of a roll in pushing events forward.

Thank you so much. Still to go through the LBLs, which I will do shortly :) 

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Hey @Majestic Fox, reading your LBLs now.

[week early for the meeting] - It may be that I changed this after you read the first bit. Ch point was in case they were followed for a day or two on their release. Maybe it's going overboard. Maybe only 3 days or something.

[family at the harbour] - I'm sure I cited that they were living on the boat now, or did I remove that bit? (argh). Also, [waiting for the Gull] - Maybe I've broken the link here. Will review in the edit.

[something numinous] - It's coming. It's not all grim, I hope!!

[kept the sheep from lambs] - Quite right on the exposition/pov issue. I've edited.

[where did that guy come from?] - The idea is that J's brother is working in the kitchen at this inn in return for using it as a bolt hole to evade the constabulary.

[purpose of the scene] - it was to confront J with a member of his family. Take your point, but I'll see what the other think.

[more visceral description > soup] - @industrialistDragon provided me with fabulous comments about the boiling of bones and making of soup that will lead me to editing some of there references. I don't think it will hurt the visceralitousness of the scene though.

[knowledge of modern story tropes] - not really, and I've edited this bit a little.

[insufficient wonder in the use of magic] - I've punched this bit up. There was an earlier instance where he used hearing to detect the thugs approaching the butcher's shop, but that probably slid past as well, as it wasn't greatly played up. This bit is better know, thank you. Hopefully it's good enough, but you'll need to wait for the alpha-read; it you're inclined.

[G being tight-lipped] - I just meant to show that he was tense, so I'll just say that. I didn't mean to imply here that he had something to hide.

[more jewels and coin on hand > we know this, right?] - Maybe I'm trying to be too detailed, and also overcomplicating, but I didn't want to have this argument in the prison. Previously, it was just a burglary in the stately house. G is now suggesting they hit it during this big, local event. Hence, greatly increased reward, but considerably greater risk, which is J's objection.

[scene not engaging to being with] - harrumph. Eh, I've tried to go back and add a dimension about known felons not consorting, to add tension.

[D keeping her word] - I've removed that and talked about her letting them keep their gains and their freedom.

I've punched the magic up a bit too in terms of his use of awareness, and I've been specific that D wants them to acquire something from the estate that she needs, while they are about their general larceny.

Thank you for the great LBLs, Fox. I really needed that. Off to make more revisions for Mandamon's comments :) 

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On 26/06/2018 at 6:07 PM, Mandamon said:

Also sent LBLs, but I picked out some specific comments below.

Hey Mandamon, thank you so much for these comments. Exceedingly helpful, especially this one, where I think you have hit the nail on the head. I did mention very early on that J had missed O's deadline because of J staying too long no the road. While that might be WRS, it doesn't really matter, because you're right--of course--when you say the whole relationship/reaction thing is confusing.

I need to fix the relationship from the start, but what I'd like to do is forge ahead through the story, hoping that the reader can accept the situation for now. Having said that, I think I need to bring about a meeting between J and either his dad, mum or both. Actually, the more I think about this, the more I see a big, old retcon taking shape.

On 26/06/2018 at 6:07 PM, Mandamon said:

Is iron money? How does it compare vs. coins?

I'll seek to clarify. J had iron in the back to make it look heavier and thereby dupe the butcher. The back was only salted with actual coins. I will need to clarify.

On 26/06/2018 at 6:07 PM, Mandamon said:

I still don’t really believe all this. If they were living so close to the edge, and depending on J to do risky work to support them, I feel like there should be some expectation

I'll need to fix this. I'm thinking some kind of significant 'disaster' with the boat that needed major repair. Exceptional expenditure. It's not that the family rely on J in normal circumstances, although he supplements the household income.

On 26/06/2018 at 6:07 PM, Mandamon said:

Is this even a thing there? Were people of color traditionally discriminated against in this country's history, to make this a concept people think about?

As a parallel of the UK, there was a time when there were very few people of colour on these shores. Maybe seamen and explorers would have seen them, but to the person in the street, regardless of their reaction, people off colour must have stood out. It's intended as an illustration of the scale of personal mobility of this society, and probably the world in general. Do you think it's a problem?

On 26/06/2018 at 6:07 PM, Mandamon said:

Wait—C owns the inn?

No, it's just her addressing him in a polite way. I'll try an clarify. Probably have him responding to her as "ma'am".

On 26/06/2018 at 6:07 PM, Mandamon said:

"He had lost more than I had"

G explained in prison that all his family's land was taken by the lord, who had decided to open a new mine. This comment will stand even better than it does now when I retcon J's situation. I'll explain more later: ideas still taking shape.

Most excellent comments, thank you. As I mentioned earlier, I'm going to tidy up the motivation, to the effect that J has money to contribute to the payment of the debt, but gets arrested before he has time to pass it over. He's cut it too fine and now O is charging interest, that is why the family doesn't have enough to repay. The interest mounts punitively, leaving them well short. I might need to shorten J's sentences a bit. I will include, I think, a family visit to the jail.

I think this sort of approach will make the stakes more immediate, and also clearer. That's the aim, and also, I will make J's position and contribution to the family clearer.

Invaluable comments, thank you, man.

<R>

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Hi S, and thank you very much for the comments, and for reading right through. Much appreciated :) 

I'm really pleased, of course, that this version worked better for you. Absolutely down to all the great comments that I received from you kind people :D 

On 27/06/2018 at 5:16 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I was a tiny bit confused at the end of the last scene

Yes, as was everyone, and with good reason. I think I've tidied it up now, and that it reads better, but we'll see when I get around to alpha reads.

On 27/06/2018 at 5:16 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

p. 4

I've changed it a bit. I hope it reads better now.

On 27/06/2018 at 5:16 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

p.5

Thanks for the typo, and I dropped 'noisily' too. Will see how that plays.

On 27/06/2018 at 5:16 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

p.6

Hmm. Fair point about the lobstering. I'll stick with it for now, but good knowledge!!

I was using 'too' in the sense that one pulls 'a door too', meaning almost closed. I appreciate that may be creating confusion though. I've changed it.

"It’s not incorrect, just kind of interrupts the flow of the narrative in my head." - Noted. I'll keep it for now. When I start reading for flow and style, all this stuff will get a close reexamination.

On 27/06/2018 at 5:16 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

Page 12 – the who dialogue around this page was much more believable and easy to follow. Same for page 15.

Awesome :)

On 27/06/2018 at 5:16 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

Page 16 “Money could make this right, somehow.” You have a great end to the chapter with suspense and clear stakes

<punches the air>

On 27/06/2018 at 5:16 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

Page 21 “This treacherous thought of treachery” It makes me giggle, but it also pulls me out of the story.

Aw, darn. I'm conflicted about it myself, to be honest. Almost changed it this morning when going through Fox's comments. I think I'm 53:47 in favour at the moment, but stats can go down as well as up.

On 27/06/2018 at 5:20 PM, shatteredsmooth said:
On 26/06/2018 at 6:07 PM, Mandamon said:

If there's so much loyalty between them, then why didn't they try to visit?

This didn't occur to me. Once I heard about them losing the house, I assumed they were too busy trying to survive to visit. Before that, I wasn't sure they even knew where he was and why he was missing. 

Interesting. I mentioned above that I'm reshaping this instigating conflict a bit, so hopefully it will gain more 'universal' appeal.

On 27/06/2018 at 5:20 PM, shatteredsmooth said:
On 25/06/2018 at 4:57 PM, Majestic Fox said:

he gets carried along with things perhaps a little too much

I got too caught up in the voice to realize, but after thinking about it, I do agree with Fox. He makes a choice to work with them, but also made it sound like it was his only option. He showed a little more agency at the end telling them to do the heist before the big party, but otherwise, yes, things have been comming to him and taking him along. He hasn't acted with much independent agency. 

I've sought to improve his agency after going through Fox's comments, so hopefully this works a bit better now, but I need to be conscious of it going forward. Thanks for underlining this for me.

Great comments. Thank you, S. All fired up for Chapter 4 now :) 

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Overall:

I thought it started out a bit rough. I get that they planned to get together and do the heist but it still feels a bit lost in the beginning, like he is wandering around and doesn’t know what to do. Though it didn’t hit its stride until the end it landed well. A few confusing parts at the end but that looks like it would be easily take care of.

During the reading:

-The first paragraph’s ending was a little confusing to me. Maybe released would be a better word choice then turned out? And you talk about him entering jail in the same sentence as he is being released, feels kind of off to me.

-Not a bit fan of body parts doing things on their own as description, but that is likely just me :)

-Can he actually play the instrument? I thought it was just a prop, maybe I missed something?

-They took the iron? Is there some significance there?

-I like how the magic is centered on the marrow.

-Why is the gap to the yard important, is that where the attacker comes out?

-I am not getting a lot of emotion from his brother…You said his eyes were filled with tears, other then that just hitting, seems mechanical.

-Ok on page 19 I am getting some emotion, but it’s a little late, makes if feel off. Especially when they have kind of normal conversation a little later

-Beer and a nip? Is that some British/Scottish thing?

-I think the internal deliberation at the end of pg 20 and through pg 21 needs work. It might help if you switched the order of the thoughts. Being afraid of her first then talk about him considering his family. The whole section just felt wonky to me.

-The events in pg 22, does he have a plan? Its seems like he is just going through the motions, being comfortably numb and not doing anything, if you will.

-“I hove to the Captain’s Locker”? Is hove a word I am unfamiliar with, or is this some typo?

-pg 23 he used a little alertness, I understand that he is using the power that the gets but the phrasing seems awkward.

-Is G’s reaction to the soldiers fear or anger? I understand he looked nervous but that doesn’t tell me all that much.

-J putting an arm around G seems kinda forced. Seems to intimate for the way they have been interacting until then. Maybe a hand on the shoulder?

-The first full paragraph in pg 27 is confusing, not sure what “His mind moved first” means and the movement is jumbled, its hard to get through.

-got easier to follow later in pg 27,  last part made me laugh….idiot, lol

-Not really getting the description of the caster with D…glass glove? Cloaked in rusty red? Held above his head? It rhymes but I don’t really know what that means. Doesn’t give a clear picture.

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Something I noticed when looking at your map. Its not an error or anything but it reminded me of something a friend told me a long time ago. He said that a lot of fantasy authors seem to choose a setting that looks a lot like the geography where they are from. He used Eddings(from Nevada) as an example. two land masses surrounding and ocean with a land bridge in the North. For my own world the area where M is is a giant plain with a huge river in the middle and low mountains on one side and a large mountain range on the other. With your peninsula kingdom connected to a larger looking land area it got me thinking about that again. 

I don't bring it up because I don't like it, far from it. But it pays to be aware of what you come up with.

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7 hours ago, Jorville said:

I thought it started out a bit rough. I get that they planned to get together and do the heist but it still feels a bit lost in the beginning, like he is wandering around and doesn’t know what to do. Though it didn’t hit its stride until the end it landed well. A few confusing parts at the end but that looks like it would be easily take care of.

Thanks so much for reading, Jorville. I hear what you say, and there have been various edits for the comments on this page. So, hopefully it's better now, but I'm always open to making more changes.

8 hours ago, Jorville said:

Maybe released would be a better word choice

I've tweaked this a little.

8 hours ago, Jorville said:

Not a bit fan of body parts doing things on their own

Me neither! That's not like me. Now changed.

8 hours ago, Jorville said:

Can he actually play the instrument?

Yes. Maybe I need to punch that up a bit in the first reference. I think I intended it to be a prop at first, but I've changed my mind. Edits made.

8 hours ago, Jorville said:

They took the iron?

Edited now. The iron is just for making the purse look heavy.

8 hours ago, Jorville said:

Why is the gap to the yard important, is that where the attacker comes out?

Not important exactly, but it is where the attack comes from, will clarify.

9 hours ago, Jorville said:

not getting a lot of emotion from his brother

I've tried to tweak that up.

9 hours ago, Jorville said:

Beer and a nip

nip = chaser, effectively.

9 hours ago, Jorville said:

Is hove a word I am unfamiliar with, or is this some typo?

The first one ;) I'll admit it's archaic, but I think it fits the tone of the story/setting. I'll keep it for now.

10 hours ago, Jorville said:

does he have a plan?

Not really. I've tried to convey his intention to lie low until the meeting with the others.

10 hours ago, Jorville said:

I understand that he is using the power that the gets but the phrasing seems awkward.

Updated, now shorter.

10 hours ago, Jorville said:

Maybe a hand on the shoulder?

Good call, thanks.

10 hours ago, Jorville said:

not sure what “His mind moved first” means

I've rephrased this a bit, as others had an issue with it too.

10 hours ago, Jorville said:

glass glove? Cloaked in rusty red? Held above his head?

First of all, should be 'globe' - that's just a good, old-fashioned typo. Then it's just supposed to be the colour of his cloak. Above the head should make more sense knowing it's a globe of light, I hope.

9 hours ago, Jorville said:

I don't bring it up because I don't like it, far from it. But it pays to be aware of what you come up with.

Ah, well now. My geography is 'borrowed' from a well-established source, but it's not copyrighted*, because it's not fictional.

*I do have an issue when I submit this though, as I need to check my source for the image. I think it was Wiki-commons, but I'll need to check that.

Interesting point though. For my first novel (which I wrote 35 years ago and finished 11 years ago), I did construct my own map and, as per your analysis, the setting was an island, not unlike Great Britain. QED :) 

Great comments, thank you. Great to have you back, @Jorville

<R>

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On 6/30/2018 at 0:21 PM, Robinski said:

As a parallel of the UK, there was a time when there were very few people of colour on these shores. Maybe seamen and explorers would have seen them, but to the person in the street, regardless of their reaction, people off colour must have stood out. It's intended as an illustration of the scale of personal mobility of this society, and probably the world in general. Do you think it's a problem?

I would avoid this, especially for a modern-day fantasy. There is a parallel to the UK, but this work doesn't make that particularly obvious, so the comparison falls flat. Is there any reason this culture wouldn't have people of all shapes and colors?

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I like the opening, but I feel like it's a bit wordy. The important part, the release, is buried under three lines of frankly barely-intelligible titles for some guy we haven't met yet. I like the way it's set up, but it's ... just a bit long, especially for so early in the story, when I don't have a clear attachment to the main character yet. Also, why would J-as-a-character give the king the deference of listing all those titles? I would have pegged him for more irreverent... 

 

it might be WRS, but what the heck is the Captain's Locker? A ship? A bar? An inn? I don't think it was ever mentioned before this? If it's a ship, i'm pretty darn sure you italicize ship names, which would at least help with a visual distinction...

 

"black thoughts of what I had done" -- Now i know this is partially WRS, but what the heck did he actually do again? I'm super not clear on that and it feels pretty central.  I feel like yes, I've forgotten something, but also, that something wasn't hammered home strongly enough for me that I can recall it with the reminders seeded in here...

 

Harbour View -- Okay, this I can surmise is a bar, which would make the Captain's Locker also a bar? Bar-ish food-and-booze thing? 

 

I see you've already dealt with the iron issue, which tripped me up as well. But I did still wonder if scrap iron was illegal somehow and that's why it was confiscated? 

 

Ahh, from the conversation with the brother, I am now reminded of what he's done. I still feel like maybe it needs to be a more central part of the earlier chapters because the jeopardy and import of losing a house just doesn't resonate with me yet. I keep being left asking myself "So what?" after almost every reference to J's horrible transgressions and this angry reunion is lacking some of the impact I think it's supposed to have with me. Also I am skeptical about the too-pure females in J's family but am willing to take it as the brother's idealized interpretation, for now. 

 

Does Ch's nationality have a name? I feel like maybe using a more in-world word instead of the modern phraseology might help things go more smoothly. Certainly references to Ch and her skin tone are better here than they have been, but they still feel a bit clunky. And they're still running right up against new characters (such as the brother and the chef), who don't have their skin tone mentioned. Also, "whirling dervish" when paired with an ambiguously brown (but maybe fantasy mid-east analog?) character is not great. Also-also, dervishes were dancers, religious dancers, iirc, so I was a bit confused at first. If you want a less-than-complimentary word for her maybe "virago?") 

Also color me skeptical about this "black witch" title.

 

Soup fact time again! Making a good bone-broth takes HOURS. Enthusiasts talk about 12 to 24 hours, or 48 hours or more (or as long as they or their loved ones can tolerate the smell). Thinner bones offer up their nutrients sooner than thicker ones of course, but we're still talking hours and hours. My mom will do 8 or so with a rotisserie chicken carcass out of deference to my dad's sinuses and gets a decent amount of collagen-induced solidification when the stuff cools (you basically want meat jello out of a good bone-broth at room temperature). What J is doing is called blanching. Some bone broth recipes call for blanching before roasting and cracking and boiling/simmering, but that's to get rid of some of the weird stuff that's on bones, apparently.  I am pleased his meat-flavored-tea-water tastes gross at least. ;) 

 

I know that hessian is a synonym for burlap, but I'm wondering if it makes sense in a fantasy context since it references historical Germans? It's a word that's not all that common in the States so it threw me off, but I know it's more common than our "burlap" over on your side of the Atlantic. "Jute" would be the not-American-and-not-UK term, which just means roughly-woven hemp fiber. Language is such an odd thing sometimes.

 

", all five of us together" from my reader's POV, it's only been a handful of pages... I guess I'm unclear on how much time has passed. it didn't seem like a lot? 

 

I like the spy master. Once she showed up I was really into the narrative. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm getting caught up, slowly but surely.

Overall

Hm. Generally I really like the story and am interested in its progression. I thought this section was a little... stale in places, but I also enjoyed the atmosphere. I think the issue might be in some of the word choices. I felt like a number of the sentences wandered perhaps a bit too much, and it kept me from really settling into the narrative. Generally though, I found this engaging. Nice work!

On 7/2/2018 at 1:32 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I like the spy master. Once she showed up I was really into the narrative. 

Yes! This was my favorite part, too

On 7/1/2018 at 1:11 PM, Mandamon said:

I would avoid this, especially for a modern-day fantasy. There is a parallel to the UK, but this work doesn't make that particularly obvious, so the comparison falls flat. Is there any reason this culture wouldn't have people of all shapes and colors?

Yes this. I made a comment on this below.

 

 

As I go

- page 18: love the brother interaction

- you have a typo right before the section break on page 20 (my he)

- page 21: 'the black witch' musing needs to be chased by the protag having some thought about the problems with that statement, relative to the world around him. I have some reservations as well about the lack of PoC in the narrative, assuming that you are modeling this off the UK at a certain time period, but also noting that this is a fantasy, so really you can do whatever you want. Point being though that this is loads better than when the book started out, but still needs some fine tuning, I think. Also, remember that if you skin tone one person, you need to skin tone them all

- page 25: there's a lot of really good scenery in here, and ambiance, but I find myself wondering when our protagonist is going to exert some control or forward motion over his situation

- page 28: yeah okay, I'm a sucker for the 'kiss as distraction' trope always. Carry on

 

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