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UPDATE: THESE CHAPTERS ARE COMPLETELY REWRITTEN Codair -- Oomph Unleashed --Ch. 3, 4, & 5 -- 4782 words


shatteredsmooth

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UPDATE: THESE CHAPTERS ARE COMPLETELY REWRITTEN. If you haven't read them, don't bother. What is replacing them will be up Monday. 
Content Warning:  Mild violence and gore, mention of drug use
 
Hi All,
 
Here are the next two chapters of Oomph Unleashed. They may be a little rougher that last weeks. Chapter 3 was long and even I got bored reading it, so cut a lot of it. 
 
I'm wondering if I cut too much, or if I didn't chop enough off, or some combination of both. Knowing me, I probably cut out all the wrong things. 
 
All the comments from last week about pacing and world building were very helpful, so feel free to give more of those. 
 
Otherwise, I don't have other specific questions. Feel free to comment on whatever strikes you. What is working? What isn't? What is completely illogical and makes not sense?
 
I'm still mulling over last weeks comments, and will probably revise chapters 1-5 all at once, then move onto 6. 
 
I still need to read a few of last weeks subs, but I'm in the process of getting caught up.
 
Thank you!
 
Sara
 
Catch up: In chapter 1, D, a teen who delivers drugs for xir dealer/pimp of a mother, picks up an artifact more dangerous than xir usual flavor of illegal: an artifact emitting Oomph (the energy force that all living things emit, but only a few can manipulate.) D, like other Oomph users, is required by law to take a drug that suppresses it, even if it is the only law people in xir town follow. In Chapter 2, Di is at a diner when a man chases a server out of a kitchen, asking her about the artifact. Assuming he is just another criminal, Di and xir cousin, Alinez shoot them to help save the server (someone who is sort of a friend.) Then they realize the person they shot was a System Enforcer -- a government sponsored thug hiding behind a badge.  
 

 

 
Edited by shatteredsmooth
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Overall

An interesting concept, and I do like the enby bits that are sprinkled about. I actually think your last chapter in this sub should be where your whole story starts. It has emotional buy-in, sets up a through line, and has your inciting incident. Could make for a really good first chapter hook!

 

As I go

- page three: hardcore WRS I think. I don't feel any tension because I don't think I ever connected to the characters or I just don't remember connecting to them

- page four: big change from the ominous 'I love you' from moms to the gobbling of brownies. Lessens the impact of what was starting to be some good tension

- page four: is the mom making a reference to the underground railroad? This house has to be incredibly well preserved to still have people living in it if we're a few hundred years into the future still. If those tunnels aren't being actively maintained (and it seems not, due to the cobwebs and spiders), how have they not caved in?

- page six: Does Al use she/her but is also enby? Did I get that sorted correctly?

- page seven: I don't understand the relevance of mom not wanting our protag to have the O suppressant

- page eight: I suggest ending on the "...stomach made me think it was the latter." line. Page eight doesn't really add anything to the narrative, and spoils the tension

- page 11: it occurred to me that I don't actually know where they are going, or what is driving the plot. What is our overarching goal?

- page thirteen: I think I need a bit more about the world, and our protag's place in it before I will get any emotional impact from the end of this chapter. I haven't seen enough emotions yet to really feel like xie will actually miss Earth

- page fifteen: Here Ali has neopronouns. I think you might have had a typo in the earlier mention

- the first paragraph after the section break on page fifteen seems like the sentences are out of order. Might want to read that section outloud to catch flow issues

- page sixteen: "It was a potential thread the government was trying to suppress." I'd much rather be shown this than told. Right now this line has no impact and it should have a lot of impact.

- page seventeen: I'm lost. Protag has some amazing powers now that the suppressants are wearing off but they're coming too fast, and seem too plot convenient. I feel like everything is being dumped on me at once, and not in an organic flow way. I think this is where early investment into the world will be crucial, because if I knew more about Oomph, and our protag's relationships with Earth and other people, this would mean a lot more

- Why did R die? I'm so confused. Where did he even go? Where are they all?

- page nineteen: I think this is the buy-in and through line we need for a chapter one. Actually, I think R's death and this revelation is your actual inciting incident. You might consider making this your new chapter one, but fleshing it out a bit more, first, so it doesn't seem quite so forced

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10 hours ago, kais said:

- page fifteen: Here Ali has neopronouns. I think you might have had a typo in the earlier mention

That was a typo. I've flip flopped from she/they/xe and probable spent too much time rewriting chapter 1 with different pronouns than making more important changes...like what you suggest below. 

 

10 hours ago, kais said:

page four: is the mom making a reference to the underground railroad? This house has to be incredibly well preserved to still have people living in it if we're a few hundred years into the future still. If those tunnels aren't being actively maintained (and it seems not, due to the cobwebs and spiders), how have they not caved in?

Sort of...and magic. In my head, anyway, the tunnels were used until the past two decades, and an Oomph, channeled through the graffiti and carvings, is keeping them intact. Same could be said for the house, though none of that is visible. Of course, the characters know none of this. And since I don't have them returning home anytime soon, then it might be better just to cut so the lack of apparent logic doesn't hold you up...

10 hours ago, kais said:

- page nineteen: I think this is the buy-in and through line we need for a chapter one. Actually, I think R's death and this revelation is your actual inciting incident. You might consider making this your new chapter one, but fleshing it out a bit more, first, so it doesn't seem quite so forced

Maybe this makes sense. Since they never do back to earth, I guess it is waste to explain the whole situation there since there were a lot of logical problems... My biggest concern about doing that is the reader will really have no clue why they are on the run without an info dump, and two, I hate to introduce and kill a character in one chapter. 

But I suppose if I did flesh out the last chapter more, I could show them running and gradually work in what they are running from. 

 

Anyway, you gave me a lot to ponder. I'll see what the others think and take some time to work on it before I send more chapters. 

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Pretty much agree with all of what @kais said. There's a lot of places where I get lost, and I don't have a big attachment to the characters yet.

14 hours ago, kais said:

I actually think your last chapter in this sub should be where your whole story starts

This is a really good idea. A lot of the beginning is turning out to be mostly fluff, and now we're starting to get to the plot. You could probably compress all this stuff into a buildup to the inciting incident of R's death.

3 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

In my head, anyway, the tunnels were used until the past two decades

This sort of explanation, and some of what I recall from the last submission, tells me there's a lot of worldbuilding going on behind the scenes, but it's being included more for the sense of wonder factor than for anything else. I'd rather have a solid investment in the characters first, and then tell us about the cool world they live in.

14 hours ago, kais said:

Why did R die? I'm so confused. Where did he even go? Where are they all?

Yeah, this. I was concerned I just wasn't paying attention, and re-read part of it. I think we just need some more setup of government, oomph, and some sense of running from something. if you have a chapter or so to introduce characters, then this would probably be the next step.

Good concept overall, and I'm interested in learning more about the artifact, but I think it needs a more concrete beginning to hook the reader.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 2: "And I think I have a pretty good idea of why she picked your house."
--for what reason? The new clothes? Some more confirmation of the reason, around the section break, would help.
--also she->xe?

pg 4: "Did you guys know there are tunnels under it that people used to use to hide fugitive slaves?"
--This seems very conveniently stated and plotful...

pg 5: "stepped into a tunnel"
--Are these the aforementioned fugitive tunnels?

pg 6: "I screech like a malfunctioning thruster when a cockroach the size of my foot"
--"screeched." also, ew.

pg 6: "gawking a rat"
--gawking at a rat

pg 6: "drew our blasters"
--Did they have blasters before? Seems very Star Wars all of a sudden.

pg 8: "This isn’t you’re business"
--you're -> your, also, does A just assume this applies to xir as well?

pg 9: "steal some suppressant"
--are D's problems coming from the suppresant, or the mood stabiliser wearing off? (or both?)

pg 11: R laughing doesn't seem quite the right response. Also, how did he find them? They just stole the van, so how would R know what to track?

pg 16: "Oomph was not a drug. It was a potential threat the government was trying to suppress."
--okay, yes, but this is also starting to sound like a pretty generic YA dystopia. We don't have any reasons yet except for "the government." I'd something extra that gives a good reason.

pg 17: "There was no one around for hundreds of miles that could fix that bad a gut wound"
--Really? There's no medical services but they can print custom drugs? 
"He guessed he had ten minutes left."
--Also, gut wounds are very slow deaths. If they hit an artery, sure, but the stomach being punctured wouldn't be fatal for several days.

pg 18: "we have to go"
--go where?

pg 19: "getting Mom’s Oomph-cursed artifact to the man who sired me."
--I feel like this sort of gets buried in the rest of what's going on. Some more reaction or curiosity from D would help, since this seems to be the main plot.

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I'm glad to be reading more of this. I did encounter one big issue that really rocked my ability to suspend disbelief, and when I say rocked, I mean shattered.

- "Centuries ago, roads in this town had been built based on game paths, and eventually widened into multi-lane monstrosities" - Fair warning, I am a professional transportation planner. A network of game paths would--I have little doubt--be completely incompatible with a modern, strategically-developed network of 'multi-lane monstrosities'. Unless of course, the game in question were exceedingly well organised and forward thinking.

- I'm reading Dresden Files book (I don't know what, 10, 11?), and so when I see SE now, I think SI.

- "seemed to hover" - This was just a bit too literal for me. I was about to complain about stilts not hovering when i realised it as a metaphor.

- "we need to sneak out looking like someone else" - This felt crude and unnecessary to me. We all know how a disguise works.

- I found the short paragraphs on Page 3 annoying. Once has impact, after that...

Annoying :P 

- Did I mention I was an engineer? If the world is as wet as described, the water table is going to be really high. I don't believe that these tunnels are not completely flooded. This smells like Hollywood making s * * t up to me.

- L M A O at Z's mom delivering concerned line about the shoot-out.

- ROFL at the disguise making m/s 'look more human' :lol: 

- If the rat is the height of a wolf, as implied by the eve level, it must be 30 feet long. How does it fit in the tunnel? I find this implausible.

- Hmm, so D had the artefact, was in the same room with the artefact and their mother, and now has the artefact again, and has to do something with it. Feels like we've gone round in a couple of circles here. This really is a classic MacGuffin. Am I bothered? Not especially, just seems a bit 'plotty' at this point.

Not a very good security system on the van, or is D's phone special and illicit? Also, I'm not entirely clear of how Oo works and what benefit it is in this situation.

- Why would D think the man running at the car was a real thief, and not the owner of the vehicle? That seems the most obvious thing in that situation.

I thought Al and Z were rather quick to abandon their familes and go with D. There's a lack of emotional weight to some of these decisions, and I must admit I'm not really feeling the stakes.

R popping up seems really convenient. How or why is he there and why did he not bring the bag? D can't fly the rocket and here's R just in time.

- "The four stayed quiet" is out of D's PoV. They are one of 'the four'.

- I felt like they got into the black of space too quickly. There was a nice moment when they took off then, suddenly, it's all black. The motion of taking off from the Earth was good, and I felt it, but it was a jerk, and D's thoughts about it were a little superficial, I thought, over too soon, imo.

- PROBLEM: You've got characters on the moon. The moon has 1/6 Earth gravity and negligible atmosphere. You haven't dealt with that at all. There's a limit to stuff that you can dismiss with handwavium, in my view. Rocket cars that can leave Earth atmosphere and reach the Moon, I can accept by suspending engineering judgement, but not the fundamental nature of the Moon. I think you need to address that. By all means make some s * * t up about being in tunnels with establishing gee gaws and gravity convertors, but personally, I lost belief here.

- "He didn't do anything." - Yes, he did: accessory.

- I like the transfer of R's memory to D, although the PoV was confusing at first. A and Z's reactions are very unemotional.

Overall, the pacing certainly rattles along, sometimes too quickly I think, leaving me cut off from the emotions that the characters should be feeling. It's like it's all too quick, never lingering on anything long enough for me to really appreciate it. The time on the Moon is a big issue for me. I know this is not hard SF, but if you gloss over stuff like leaving the Earth and being on the Moon and the nature of that, you are leaving the story bereft of the 'weight' of these things. My lsat completed novel is about 60% set on the Moon. It's not hard SF either, although it treads closer to the boundary, I think. I wrestled with gravity and atmosphere for quite a while. I'm not expecting that from you when they are there for about three pages, but I think you need to take the benefit and wonder of being on the Moon and let the reader appreciate it for a moment.

So, science bit aside, my main problem is the stakes. Because of the clipping pace and scant emotions, I'm having trouble investing in the characters. I don't really feel their goals and motivations. D instantly accepts Mom's task, doesn't seem to give anything thought to it's significance, or meeting her father, but just embraces it and goes. Her friends drop everything without a second thought. It's hard to stay invested in the story when they don't seem to care that much about it. I think the outcome is that there isn't that much conflict, actually.

Sorry to be rather down on this submission. It's not the writing or the style, it's the weight and the emotion that I'm missing. I'm that call all be rectified, if you think it's an issue.

Always happy to read more, of course :) 

<R>

(Line-by-lines sent by email)

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4 hours ago, Robinski said:

Sorry to be rather down on this submission. It's not the writing or the style, it's the weight and the emotion that I'm missing. I'm that call all be rectified, if you think it's an issue.

You don't need to apologize! This is an early draft, and I'm not one of those people that churns out decent early drafts. This is really my first time attempting this kind of science fiction in a novel. 3/4 of my previous novels were more or less contemporary fantasy, the genre I am strongest in. The other was more high fantasy, but I think I was on my third or fourth go round of beta readers before the world was fully flushed out on the page. 

I think about a lot of the questions you have, like the moon/gravity, but wasn't sure how specific to get on the page or not since like you said, the characters were there for a blink. Would readers assume some type of artificial gravity? Now I know the answer is no. 

When I'm stretching into a different genre, even if it is blending that genre with one I'm more familiar with, I need this kind of feedback. Because of it, I'll be able to write a better opening, and a better book. 

 

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7 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I think about a lot of the questions you have, like the moon/gravity, but wasn't sure how specific to get on the page or not since like you said, the characters were there for a blink. Would readers assume some type of artificial gravity? Now I know the answer is no. 

Because of how your story rattles along so quickly, and you don't try and explain any of the tech in any sort of detail, I think the reader would totally accept you just saying something very brief, like "We clumped along in those stupid, unfashionable mag-boots, trying not to bump helmets" (double entendre totally intended). I think this is proportionally brief to the length of the scenes on the Moon. The other thing to consider, though, is that this is a real opportunity to give your story weight (pun totally intended), by considering how really things like reduced gravity and breath masks or being in some sort of controlled atmosphere enclosure, affect the action/events.

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I basically agree with everything @kais and @Mandamon have said so I won't belabor those points further. The last chapter in this section is the one that felt like it finally found its focus and direction. I feel like the rest of the chapters to that point could probably be streamlined and condensed with chapter 5 in mind and made into a really strong start.

The issues around the modern references I noted last time are still present here, but they are less extreme. I think partially because there's simply less extraneous worldbuilding information in this section, and more of it is directed towards the plot finally taking off.

I had a little bit of trouble with the mention of underground railroad tunnels, for the same reasons kais described. Now, if they thought it was an old underground railroad tunnel mistakenly and once they got into it, it turned out to be a tunnel made by some covered-up failed Oomph rebellion (thus explaining the magic symbols), that would be pretty cool (since it would imply the nice-mom was giving them a hint to get out of there, and cool moms are always fun)... 

I do agree that some of the elements (evil overgovernment, urban dystopia, magical macguffin delivery quest, death of a mentor figure) are starting to sound a bit generic. While it's not necessarily a bad thing to have identifiable tropes and genre staples in a work, it's not necessarily good, either. The fun of genre fiction comes from the way an author can take an existing archetype and make it their own. So, what is setting this ragtag bunch of heroes on their way to find a father and deliver the quest item apart from all the other ragtag bunches of heroes out there? Why is D even doing what this R person is telling xe to do? That is what I'd really like to see out of this, letting the interesting world that's been created shine through, illuminating and informing the archetypes. 

 

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