Fox - Chapter 14+15 - kais 06/04/18, 3408 words (L)

[kais]

L for mild language

In this section I'm mostly concerned about if the tension of M and S being chased from the town works (ie is it believable) and if their reasons for taking Sam along seem natural (and/or make sense). This section has been rewritten so many times basically everything in it is invisible to me. Any help would be much appreciated.

[shatteredsmooth]

10 hours ago, kais said:

In this section I'm mostly concerned about if the tension of M and S being chased from the town works (ie is it believable) and if their reasons for taking Sam along seem natural (and/or make sense). This section has been rewritten so many times basically everything in it is invisible to me. Any help would be much appreciated

I just got caught up on all the chapters, including these. 

M & S being chased by the townsfolk is believable, but also cliche, though I'm not sure the cliche can be avoided, and I'm okay with it, since there is so much else that is fresh in this story. 

Sam going along made sense. I could tell he had some ulterior motive, though I wasn't sure what, and you did a good job setting up his relation to S. The situation forced M & S into taking him, so that felt natural. And at the end of 15, you do confirm the motive with a great ending line that is making me want to stay up all night and read the rest of the book. 

The one thing that confused me about those chapters was Sam's status with the townsfolk. They seemed so anti-guild, but he was a guild master carpenter, and he seemed to have some superstar status in the town. Their opinion of him seemed to contradict their other opinions. Maybe I'm missing something? 

And did they just leave the poor horses to die?

Overall, these two went by really fast, and it was a challenge to slow down and comment. 

 

[Robinski]

Substantive comments follow. LBLs separately by email.

- I don't get why are alchetmists vile. It can't be because they're guilded, is it? It seems these people have a special hate for witches and alchemists that they don 't have for other gilded people.

- "The old woman grinned" - I don't get this. They seem to want to kill them, and reject both S & M's suggestions that they will just leave, but when Sam suggests it they are all smiles suddenly? The sudden change in emotion is jarring.

- Some of the comments of the witch seem inconsistent. One time it wants S to die, then it wants S to go back. I think it's the die die die comment that seems to have nothing to do with going home. If they are going to die on the glacier, why not let them?

- "M would release me from my guild once we finished our trip" - Not sure I get this. S is unguilded, I thought?

- "far too alive" - This is not a very technical term for someone who speciliases in these things (meaning S). How do you quantify degrees of being alive?

- "I fumed silently about magic," - Is this not the first time a magical force has helped S? I'm suprised S is not questioning its source further.

- "And a glacier on the top of the world, away from all the people who love you and insist on smothering you with protection?" - But Magda is here. Does he not know there is a longstanding friendship between them? Also, who are all these people who have loved and protected S? Not aware of them other then Mother, who is also debatable in this context.

Overall, it's good to be moving forward, to transition out of the village and be into another stage of the story. You'll have gathered from my writing that I like a bit of travel!! So, I'm fine with this. Some of the events were a bit confusing to me (see LBLs), but it's good to have a trio for the purposes of tension, and it feels like there is a nice amount of that.

Looking forward to next week.

<R>

Edited June 5, 2018 by Robinski

[industrialistDragon]

So is a believable 17-year-old. The chapters work better in YA format.

I agree with a lot of the things @Robinski pointed out, re the turn from mob justice to letting Sa help them escape. It feels a little too for-the-plot, though it's better than it has been. The other things he mentioned you can count me as voting for as well. The whole point of moms' house in the woods was so that moms was the ONLY person around So, wasn't it? 

 

"stitches so even " -- Just a fabric construction note -- unless she's wearing her clothing inside out and using too-large thread in a highly-contrasting color, there's pretty much no way to detect evenness of stitch length in a seam from atop a horse more than, like, a foot away from someone (and even then, I'd doubt it). There are other things one could discern from a distance if one knew fabric and garment construction, but evenness of stitch length isn't it. (Also, having checked out some hand-done antique seams up close, its not the evenness of stitch length that's the giveaway, it's the mechanical difference between a running stitch and a lock or chain stitch, which, I mean, you have to know what all three of those look like in fabric to be able to tell...) (PPS my guess is that it'd be a chain stitch, if it wasn't hand-done, just from other tech levels in the story. Bbobbins came decently later)

 

"They’re going to kill Ma" I can't tell who's talking to whom in this section. I assume it's the witch and So, but without any visual disctinction between the lines of dialogue, it could just be So talking to themselves too. 

 

Sameer's reason for taking them to the glacier makes more sense now.

"a tense canter, slow enough" -- Not sure a natural canter is all that slow...

"The fungus, as I had hoped, did not respond" -- This sort of implies that fungus can, do, and have talked to So in the past and I didn't think there was that much magic in this setting?

 

"horse canter a few meters along the northern trail" -- So... from what I remember of my horse riding lessons, cantering for just a few meters is kind of difficult and the hose generally hates doing it unless it's some kind of dressage thing. Is there any particular reason to use that gait over so small a distance? (or, frankly, while leaving town slowly? cantering isn't the all-out of a gallop, but the natural gait is no easy walk, either.) 

 

I like that the serac definition is better incorporated now. 

 

[Mandamon]

Generally agree with @Robinski and @industrialistDragon that the escape from the mob is a little too easy, though the reasons for Sam coming along are a lot better. I'm still not convinced they would threaten their rulers, either, if only in fear of bringing retribution down on them. I think you could correct it with a few well places sentences, but it needs a little more.

I have a much better idea of traveling on a glacier now, so I'm eager to see the next few sections!

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "“They’re demanding to speak with you,” K said.
“I’m not surprised. S, stay close, but visible."
--This took me two reads to figure out who wanted to talk to who

pg 2: "They’re going to kill you." -> "ready to scream out loud at the witch who would not get out of my head."
--It was not immediately apparent from the first italics that it was the witch talking, and not just S being pessimistic. Moving something like the last line will help.

pg 3: "didn’t look like M royal blood wasn’t going to be enough to do it."
--I'm still very surprised a village would even consider hanging a royal heir. Aren't they concerned about guards coming around later and torching their village?

pg 3: "You know how I dealt with the king’s witches, don’t you? The king’s alchemists?"
--This is a nice subtle dig at something I know is coming...;-)

pg 4: "No heir of I would protect a witch or alchemist. They are vile."
--This is a good edge into why witches aren't liked. I think we need more of this earlier to explain why they're hated.

pg 4: "You don’t speak for her"
--I mean, technically that's exactly what M does. She's the royal daughter...

pg 5: "for being our only way out"
--Ah, much better reason for having Sam along...

pg 7: "Acceptable, Master Carpenter.”
--Hmmm...I'm not sure the crowd who's going to lynch royalty is going to listen to Sam, just like that. I feel like there needs to be another few sentences here.

pg 8: "M would release me from my guild once we finished our trip."
--Huh? I think this is the first time this has come up. From the woodcutter's guild? I thought S wasn't guilded?

pg 9: "the tiny things were so bright I almost had to look away"
--very interesting. Did S just do magic?

pg 11: "and thick"
--and so thick?

pg 12: "I saw blues and purples mixed with dirty greys, and of course, the omnipresent white."
--I got some great pictures on one of the flights in Alaska of the blue ice

pg 13: "Because I’ve waited a long time to talk to you"
--Interesting. There's a lot more purpose to Sam, now. I'm looking forward to finding out what he wants to talk about.