20180528 - Journey to the Top of the Nether - Last part - 2520 words - Mandamon

[Mandamon]

Last section - and finally a short one!

 

If you're just coming in now...uh. Sorry. No obligation to read if you don't want to. This is the very end of the story.

 

Previously, the group rode in the balloon until their fuel ran out, and then anchored the beetle to the wall. They climbed for a few days, but the beetle hit a snag. They met another crew climbing up the wall, and started climbing together.

After an accident that took one of each of the crews, the four remaining climbed through the cloud layer to find a giant waterfall forming the clouds. Above the clouds, they discovered a great waterfall, climbed below it until they crossed the vertical river, then began climbing upward again until they began to see strange white lights inside the wall.

It turned out the white lights were roots, and they entered a forest, and soon after met the species who lives at the top of the Nether.

A child of the first family the explorers met took them to the city, where they discovered more about the winged people, and our protagonist learned that they use spider silk and sung Nether crystal for much of their technology. Also, the species was stuck there, and didn't remember their homeworld. Finally, they set up a time to meet with the leader of the Nether to discuss the new species.

While they waited, they learned more of the winged species. However, their antagonist took control shortly before they were to leave, threatening the majus with a gun. He forced the city to sign a contract granting him sole trading rights, and then the crew passed through a portal back to the floor of the Nether.

 

Well, this is the end! Looking for all comments as usual, especially if I've fulfilled promises made at the beginning, or if there are any arcs that seem incomplete. Thanks!

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

Big events brought to a satisfying conclusion.

Although, I don't understand why the mayor tells the E that she agrees to the contract.
It was signed under duress, after all, and the E is making it pretty obvious that he'd like to just rip it up.

W kind of reminds me of the French guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark, I'm sort of sorry there's no face-melting (but that wouldn't be appropriate for your target audience, anyway).

Far from promises made at the beginning I feel you made a promise here at the end: I look forward to reading 20.000 fathoms under the Nether  .

[Mandamon]

7 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

I'm sort of sorry there's no face-melting (but that wouldn't be appropriate for your target audience, anyway).

Lol--I don't know-, they'd probably like it!

 

7 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

I feel you made a promise here at the end: I look forward to reading 20.000 fathoms under the Nether  .

Sneaky end promise! This one was so much fun to write, I knew I wanted to do another...

Thanks @Eagle of the Forest Path!

[kais]

Overall

A nice wrap up to the novella. Some of the sentences were a little choppy with flow, but that's minor. It read easily, and I think if I had the book to read straight through I wouldn't have struggled as much with the twist with the Eff and the contract signing. This ended up being a fun story and I really enjoyed it! 

15 hours ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

I feel you made a promise here at the end: I look forward to reading 20.000 fathoms under the Nether

As do I, because I want the results of A's molt, and to see if we get a buddy action flick, or a romance, or something inbetween all while being chased by sea monsters. 

As I go

- I like the kicker

- page two: OMG IS THAT SAM!?!?!?

- I had to read pages six and seven twice to figure out what had happened, but when I finally got it, it was good! Although I think some WRS may have contributed to my confusion

- page seven: In the days that followed, there had been... seems like a funny tense change??

- page eight: "Yet," I said...   AWWWWW

- little sad we didn't get to see the results of A's molt but I'm willing to wait for a sequel. The ending is cute, but I think it might end even snappier with a line like "Dads! You will never guess where we've been!" or something like that.

[shatteredsmooth]

Take the following with a grain of salt...

I know this was the end of something I haven't read, but when I am in a bookstore (unfortunately, not as common as it once was) deciding what  to read, I generally read the first couple pages and the last couple pages. So I read your ending. 

General impressions:

The story had an interesting world and a good conflict that seemed to resolved but almost wasn't when the section began, but the main characters figured it out and more or less got what they wanted. 

On a sentence level, the writing needs to be tightened up. For example, "It will be good to discuss with Announcer Oala about how our how our trade may go through their city to reach the Nether floor" could have way less words. The ones I highlighted carry meaning and the others just hold the sentence together. Even if this character just talks overly formal, this sentence still needs tightening. Some of then non-dialog sentences seem this way too. 

One strategy for fixing the wordiness might be to set an amount of words you want to cut from the whole thing, or a set amount of words to cut per page, and only cut them  by editing. I find setting amounts of words to cut helps me clean up my prose, but you may not even be at that point in the process yet. Maybe I'm jumping too far ahead. 

Structurally, it felt a little too fragmented, and like it had two different endings. However, I advise you to ignore this if those who read the whole thing don't feel this way.

For a reader like me, the last line is almost as important like the first.

"I held my hand in invitation as my little brothers came running out to meet us."  Felt a little flat to me. I like idea of it ending with that image, but as a reader, I want to see it, not to just be told about it. In just a sentence or two, can you describe the image with a little more concrete detail?

Anyway, take or leave what you want from this. It was just my general impression from reading the end only. 

[Jorville]

Didn't find any major stuff to have issue with. These might be outside of the concern of the audience but this is what I noted.

-Why does N have to do something if guards are right there. It seems like all the group would have to do would be to walk up to the guards and people would start asking why W has a gun trained on people

-this might be because I haven’t read the previous stuff but what is the reason N has such confidence in the Et?

-on page two, paragraph that begins with “there was one…” It is kind of jumpy. You start with an M woman but never describe her. Then jump to a K, then back to the Ms. For me it was a little confusing

-So, W walks up holding a gun that no one sees? Where is the E’s security on this? I think its safe to say he is surrounded by incompetence.

-No one searches W when the gun is announced, or restrains him even for a moment? Serious security issues here.

-Kind of odd for the mayor to be willing giver her enemies so much for the not being outed. Seems like a short-sighted deal, as they would then gain power from all the trade going through them and be able to oust her anyway.

-I feel like the last conversation about the sea should be the last thing mentioned. A clear message about an open future adventure.

Overall I thought the wrap up was pretty good. The story ended well with a good hint at the next adventure that awaits out there.

[Mandamon]

6 hours ago, kais said:

I think if I had the book to read straight through I wouldn't have struggled as much with the twist with the Eff and the contract signing. This ended up being a fun story and I really enjoyed it! 

Great! That bodes well for the next revision.

6 hours ago, kais said:

As do I, because I want the results of A's molt, and to see if we get a buddy action flick, or a romance, or something inbetween all while being chased by sea monsters.

Yep! I want to see what it will be as much as you do!

6 hours ago, kais said:

OMG IS THAT SAM!?!?!?

Sneaky cameo!

6 hours ago, kais said:

The ending is cute, but I think it might end even snappier with a line like "Dads! You will never guess where we've been!" or something like that.

Good point. I'll take a look at it.

Thanks @kais!

4 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

On a sentence level, the writing needs to be tightened up.

Yes, I'll definitely address this. Usually that happens in the next two edits...

4 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Structurally, it felt a little too fragmented, and like it had two different endings.

I've had another comment about that too, so I'll see what I can do.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth!

3 hours ago, Jorville said:

So, W walks up holding a gun that no one sees? Where is the E’s security on this?

Hmm...W's got it hidden. I'll make that clearer.

3 hours ago, Jorville said:

No one searches W when the gun is announced, or restrains him even for a moment?

Good catch. I'll have to revisit that.

3 hours ago, Jorville said:

I feel like the last conversation about the sea should be the last thing mentioned. A clear message about an open future adventure.

I had someone else mention this too, so I may need to move it closer to the end.

Thanks @Jorville!

[Robinski]

Right, only the five submission to read this week, but there is only one place to start  

"We arrived at the end of an ornate hall." - Confused. I thought that the portal was back to the ground. I thought they were building the platform so that the majus could be far enough away from the ceiling so that she could make a portal back to the nether. Maybe it's WRS.

"The G were captivated..."- Okay, wait, we ARE back on the ground. I don't think it's clear. Can't you just come out and say, right at the start, 'We were back on...', just so there is no doubt? It's a momentous moment. I think it deserves a big, fat, wow moment. Maybe describe the different races, if we are back on the ground.

Are there no guards? No security? The Ef is just going to let them portal into the inner sanctum? Ah, I see they are way at the end, next to the Ef. I don't buy that they would let the new arrivals get so close. And there is no type of screening at all? Bad things have happened in this building before, I seem to remember, subject to timeline, which I'm a little fuzzy on.

"An M woman stood next to another K" - Yayyyyy!!!!  

"W pushed to the front" - How does he do this and not reveal the gun?

"He's got a gun" - Good ,I was waiting for this to happen.

"Several people... gasped and stepped back" - I don't buy this. The first thing that should happen is that the guards step forward, surely, putting themselves between W and the Ef.

"...no other option but to honour this contract..." - No, I don't believe this. No contract signed under coersion can be honoured. There's no way the Ef can permit this, or it would happen all over the place. W has shot a majus!!!!! He's a criminal, thus rendering null and void any contracts that he has made, especially under force of arms. This is a big problem for me. I don't think the logic stands up.

"M B, Reader..." - Ooh, ooh - please tell me this is a reference to the SoTH!

"When it will be an easy matter to open a portal to any one of your cities." - Do you mean other cities? I wasn't clear on this.

"W crept off somewhere" - He's still a criminal, surely he should be arrested? Not to mention charge with murder, or manslaughter.

"All the water in the N gathers..." - Awesome!!!! Very Niven-esque.

Some detailed comments in the LBLs. Overall, this was a satisfying ending, most definitely. There was some tension in the ending, but perhaps not quite as much as there might have been. I like how it played out, apart from one major issue, which was how W was treated by the authorities. It was nice to see a non-speaking cameo for probably still my favourite characters in the D-verse. Pity it was non-speaking, but good to hear Sam's voice at one point. My memory was not good enough to remember if this was a scene from Seeds. I guess maybe not, as it had all the M/Cs in at, but didn't appears in Seeds, so, it must post-date(?).

Anyway, distracted. Looking back, there were some sections that felt slower then others, but I think you generally managed to keep these shorter, and the short sections were effective in keeping me moving forward and not getting bored. Very nice work here. I think Society remains my favourite, but this has turned out to be a strong contender, and is sort of begging for a sequel!

Well done, sir  

[Robinski]

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

"Dads! You will never guess where we've been!" or something like that.

Bleuch - cheesy  

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Sneaky end promise! This one was so much fun to write, I knew I wanted to do another...

Cool.

[industrialistDragon]

Well, that resolved quickly! I feel a little cheated, honestly. After all that build up, after finally finding the new people and getting hints of a big plot or mystery, it's all over in a chapter and a half. It's abrupt.

I really like legalese-type endings, too, but this one left me a little flat. It just sort of comes up out of nowhere, since up until this point mom's been pretty take charge, action-oriented, and she seemed pretty well versed in bureaucratic wrangling from stuff mentioned earlier. Or at least, that was the sort of charismatic adventurer vibe I was getting off her and the story.  And then to have everything summed up by a bit of (relatively simple) semantics she had nothing to do with? It just... doesn't feel right somehow.  That N doesn't really do anything except fret also isn't sitting well with me. She should do SOMETHING beside stand there and be a passive observer... 

 

" "Yet," I said with a smile"  -- this line was such a perfect ending I was a little surprised that the denouement kept going. The actual end is nice and wholesome and I also enjoyed it, but this one ~~! It's just so good! (especially if you wanted to do a series) (I definitely wouldn't mind reading more of it if it was a series) (hint hint)  

[Mandamon]

15 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I feel a little cheated, honestly.

I can see that. Part of this was me seeing I had 44k words in a 40k word novella and trying to wrap it up. I think I need to accept this is a short book, and not a novella!

15 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

That N doesn't really do anything except fret also isn't sitting well with me. She should do SOMETHING beside stand there and be a passive observer... 

Another good point. I think I need to do some major reworking of the end, to bring in guards with W. gun, and make the main chars more proactive.

15 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

" "Yet," I said with a smile"  -- this line was such a perfect ending I was a little surprised that the denouement kept going.

I think you're the third or fourth to say this, so that section will definitely be moving to the very end!

Thanks @industrialistDragon!