Robinski - 180527 - AK Dead Horse - Part 1 - 1069 words (LSV)

[Robinski]

Dear all,

I can only apologise for how appalling late this is, but on the up side, it really is quite short, and I'm hoping you can find it in your heart to have read in the few days remaining of this week. As usual, absolutely anything that you feel worthy of comment is fine by me.

As ever, please do abbreviate the names.

I've tagged for language because, well, it's me. I've tagged sex more for implied liaison and some of the language, and violence... not much and fairly tame.

Again, my apologies, I'm off to do all my critiquing, which is also very late!!

Robinski

Edited May 25, 2018 by Robinski

[Mandamon]

Yay--a new story!

I think this is a good start, though the beginning could be sharpened up a little. The end of the section is solid.

My main complaint is the magic,and worldbuilding that goes along with it. It's still pretty undefined, and depending on who can use it, might have some larger changes that aren't in evidence yet.

 

Notes while reading:

Ooo! A map!

Pg 3: The first sentence goes on a bit. Could be shorter for more impact.

Pg 3: "timeously"
--that's a real word, evidently...

pg 4: "No, there was nothing I could use. A butcher’s bin with no bones"
--I'd rather see him find something, if only to show off the magic. Right now, we don't know what bones have to do with anything.
--And also, how many people have magic? If it's everyone, or even a lot, I would expect the butcher to lock up his bones. Being a butcher might even be a more lucrative profession, because of the extra money from magic users...

pg 4: "chancing his arm"
--what does this mean?

pg 5: "spent half of my remaining clout"
--Is this the term for using magic? Had to read it a few times to figure out he enhanced his hearing.
--ah, you explain some the next paragraph. I'd still like it a little clearer.

pg 5: "I heard—unaided"
--Does this mean the magic ran out?

pg 6: "remaining store of heat"
--So is it heat, or clout, or magic, or what?

pg 6: "casting’s not like story magic after all, unfortunately."
--which begs the question, what is story magic like, here?
 

[Jorville]

-          Got a good sense of character. His voice really pops out.

-          Neighbor has a wooden fence, but J goes to the door? Perhaps you mean gate?

-          Maybe make the word clout unique. Slightly confusing, you may want to capitalize it, or make it stand out in some way if they use that word for their magic.I do like the word clout for it though, I think it resonates well.

-          'Next door’s yard' just sounds kind of weird to me.

-          “What you seeking” the diction sounds odd to me. I feel like it would be better to put in ‘are’ or make the ‘you’ a ‘ya’

-          Yeah, the rest of the butcher’s dialogue seems at odds with his first statement.

-          His face hits cobbles? I though he was in the butcher’s shop. Maybe the butcher’s floor is cobbles, but I didn’t get that clearly. Also, would they be dusty in the butcher’s shop, wouldn’t they be gory?

 

Overall a really great sense of J’s character, definitely comes across as flippant and snarky.

I did think it was odd when he is talking to the butcher and then all of the sudden police are there. He was worried about some goons and then he gets arrested. Might want to work in something about how he always has to be cautious about the bluecoats or something before he gets in.

Lastly, how can you criticize my grammar and spelling when you put a u in favor and neighbor? 

[Robinski]

Many thanks for reading, Man, much appreciated.

On 25/05/2018 at 6:21 PM, Mandamon said:

Pg 3: The first sentence goes on a bit. Could be shorter for more impact. - 'Fixed'

pg 4: "No, there was nothing I could use. A butcher’s bin with no bones" --I'd rather see him find something, if only to show off the magic. Right now, we don't know what bones have to do with anything. - Good call. I've inserted him finding some small bones in the dirt, and shown the process of doing a quick-and-dirty extraction.
--And also, how many people have magic? If it's everyone, or even a lot, I would expect the butcher to lock up his bones. Being a butcher might even be a more lucrative profession, because of the extra money from magic users... - I tried to show the rubbish is collected hourly (it's in the text). I have added a comment about casters being one in ten thousand.

pg 4: "chancing his arm" --what does this mean? - Oh, just a British expression then? It means taking a chance, basically. I'll see how many others don't know it before changing.

pg 5: "spent half of my remaining clout" --Is this the term for using magic? Had to read it a few times to figure out he enhanced his hearing. - I've tried to clarify this, but yes. Not sold on it as a term, but this is an adjunct of me avoiding cliche, so, I'm not allowed to use 'power, magic, essence, mana, energy. In other words, accepted magical terminology. I'm also trying to keep it rooted in the language more akin to days of yore.
--ah, you explain some the next paragraph. I'd still like it a little clearer. - Phew.

pg 5: "I heard—unaided" --Does this mean the magic ran out? - It does. I guess it was semi-clear then? I've tried an alternative, but it's more words.

pg 6: "remaining store of heat" --So is it heat, or clout, or magic, or what? - Yeah, not clear. I'll try to clarify. I've made a few changes and developed more detail on the magic, which I will try to work in.

pg 6: "casting’s not like story magic after all, unfortunately." --which begs the question, what is story magic like, here? - I was hoping the reader would just refer to their own understanding of 'story magic', most likely the Tolkienian sort, with no visible means of support or limitation.

Overall...

On 25/05/2018 at 6:21 PM, Mandamon said:

I think this is a good start, though the beginning could be sharpened up a little. The end of the section is solid. My main complaint is the magic, and worldbuilding that goes along with it. It's still pretty undefined, and depending on who can use it, might have some larger changes that aren't in evidence yet.

Yup, noted. Thanks. I think it's better now with these comments and changes. To some extent of course, I don't need the reader to understand the whole system from the first section of the story, but just enough to understand what is happening. I think I'm closer to that. I'm going to write, and hopefully submit, right through the first draft and then put out a shout for alpha readers.

Thanks again. Really  helpful comments  

<R>

[Robinski]

Hey Jorville, thank you so much for the comments. Excited to read you take on things so far.

On 26/05/2018 at 7:45 AM, Jorville said:

- Got a good sense of character. His voice really pops out. - Excellent.

- Neighbor has a wooden fence, but J goes to the door? Perhaps you mean gate? - OK, I'll try 'gate'. I used 'door' because I feel like 'gate' is only half the height of a door, and he could just vault over it. To me, a door can still be wooden, as in a door in a high wooden fence.

- Maybe make the word clout unique. Slightly confusing, you may want to capitalize it, or make it stand out in some way if they use that word for their magic.I do like the word clout for it though, I think it resonates well. - That's cool, glad it's working for you, and good call on 'calling it out'. Since I hate capitalisation of words for no good reason (see my subtitle, above) I will try italicising it  

- 'Next door’s yard' just sounds kind of weird to me. - Noted. I'll see what the majority view is on that.

- “What you seeking” the diction sounds odd to me. I feel like it would be better to put in ‘are’ or make the ‘you’ a ‘ya’ - Good call. I meant 'ya'

- Yeah, the rest of the butcher’s dialogue seems at odds with his first statement. - Hmm. I've tweaked slightly.

- His face hits cobbles? I though he was in the butcher’s shop. - Good catch. In my mind, he made it back out into the yard, but there's no basis for that. Fixed.

Good details there. It's definitely sharper now, thanks!!

On 26/05/2018 at 7:45 AM, Jorville said:

Overall a really great sense of J’s character, definitely comes across as flippant and snarky. - Excellent  

I did think it was odd when he is talking to the butcher and then all of the sudden police are there. He was worried about some goons and then he gets arrested. Might want to work in something about how he always has to be cautious about the bluecoats or something before he gets in. - I've sought to call out that the butcher must have stitched him up.

Lastly, how can you criticize my grammar and spelling when you put a u in favor and neighbor?  - Bah, bloody colonials  

Really great comments, thank you: some really nice fixes there for clarity. Much appreciated 

<R>

[shatteredsmooth]

I haven't read the other comments yet, but here are my thoughts. Generally, I when I'm a in a group, I make my comments before reading what other's said so it doesn't color my opinion of the piece. After, I go back and read the others. 

You are definitely good at using multiple senses in description. Through most of this, the setting was alive in in my head. I could see it, smell it, and feel it. However, for something that ends with outwitting attackers, it opened with a lot of walking and thinking. I got a little lost in the description sprinkled with thoughts and didn’t engage until the protagonist started looked in the butcher bin then went in the shop.

 The mention of canine bones made me squirm a little. I hate stories where dogs die, and kept telling myself that they didn’t eat dogs, that it just got old or hit by a cart.

 There was one line about how the narrator’s magic wasn’t like story magic. That pulled me out of the story a little because I didn’t know or care what story magic was in this world and only cared what actual magic was. It almost seemed like a fourth wall break reminding the reader they were elsewhere.

 I love how you ended the scene. It is suspenseful and makes me want to find out what happens and learn more about the world’s magic system. I’m looking forward to reading more.

 

[shatteredsmooth]

On 5/26/2018 at 2:45 AM, Jorville said:

ot a good sense of character. His voice really pops out.

I agree -- the voice did pop, and gave me the impression this guy was snarky, a little bitter, and keen on seeing the negative parts of the world, like the bird rust. 

[Robinski]

Hola! and thank you so much for reading. Some great comments here--very helpful.

28 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I haven't read the other comments yet, but here are my thoughts. Generally, I when I'm a in a group, I make my comments before reading what other's said so it doesn't color my opinion of the piece. After, I go back and read the others. - Yup. Totally agree. I do the same: I think most do that. Good approach 

You are definitely good at using multiple senses in description. Through most of this, the setting was alive in in my head. I could see it, smell it, and feel it. However, for something that ends with outwitting attackers, it opened with a lot of walking and thinking. I got a little lost in the description sprinkled with thoughts and didn’t engage until the protagonist started looked in the butcher bin then went in the shop. - Noted. I do have that tendency to sprinkle description. I'll can-of-worms this (i.e. take a note) and consider when I am re-reading the whole piece. Thanks for flagging it.

The mention of canine bones made me squirm a little. I hate stories where dogs die, and kept telling myself that they didn’t eat dogs, that it just got old or hit by a cart. - I hear you, and apologies for implying anything distressing (I noticed your avatar picture when you joined...). I didn't want to go into a big sidebar about diet, and I think you can be pretty safe in assuming that household pets will go unharmed in the writing of this story, but I do want to have a magic system that counts for the complete spectrum of animals, and the magical effects of their bones. I'll need to be careful about what 'abilities' I assign to moggies and doggos, though.

There was one line about how the narrator’s magic wasn’t like story magic. That pulled me out of the story a little because I didn’t know or care what story magic was in this world and only cared what actual magic was. It almost seemed like a fourth wall break reminding the reader they were elsewhere. - Ah-ha. This line also was highlighted by @Mandamon, I shall need to tweak it, it seems.

I love how you ended the scene. It is suspenseful and makes me want to find out what happens and learn more about the world’s magic system. I’m looking forward to reading more. - Awesome! I am very pleased  

I've fixed a couple things and tweaked others, not to mention taking encouragement from those positives. Thank you again, and again welcome to RE  

[kais]

Sneaking in under the wire here

I don't have any 'as I go' thoughts, because the flow was generally smooth, and the piece was short. What was really lacking, for me, was character buy-in. I don't know enough about this guy to care that he has been caught, and there isn't enough voice in the first six pages for me to root for him on, say, sarcasm or duty, alone.  

Is this part of your W&S universe? It reads like it, especially your main character rings familiar to me. I think we might need a touch more to the character in these intro pages, although I will say I thought the pacing was just fine and generally, the world, while generic, was not unappealing. 

I'm fine with waiting a bit for the magic system to be developed/shown.

[QuirkyGrandpa]

Awesome, I'm glad I stole onto hubbies computer and read your outline, it will make reading this more enjoyable :3. Once again, I tend to just jabber my way through, feel free to discard any suggestions I throw at you, and you don't need to respond unless you want to bounce some thoughts :). This is just for you, so you have something to think over.

So I thought this was posted already on the weekend o.O, but somehow it never went through. So this is very late. I blame Rob, Rob was late and it became contagious.

Spoiler

1Intro - Good intro, I enjoyed the 'sunny summers' alliteration; it's enjoyable to read out loud. At the same time, you make the reader question why on a -sunny summer's day- it is STILL not safe. It makes me want to find out why. I'd like it if this ended with a period after Qny, and started with a capital 'But' (sentence is a bit long otherwise). However, I know other people hate using conjunctions to begin sentences. 'Refuse stink' was rough on the tongue for me, and seemed redundant to my imagination, refuse rarely smells like roses. My suggestion would be to remove 'stink' as we are already going to be smelling crap and I haven't met anyone that likes that either..yet. 'My time was up' tells me that someone is about to be murdered, but a moment later they're just going to beat the daylights out of him. 'Time was up', as an alternative, implies to me that something had expired that is leading to a consequence. Try reading the sentence with 'pursuers probably' aloud, it might need some rearranging as the two  'p' words feel odd to me.

2. O is now the first named character in the book, and I expect him to show back up, possibly throughout; either as a hindrance or a help depending. Personally, I liked your use of 'timeously', it shows a bit of your background as a writer (Scottish) and it wasn't difficult on my tongue. I chuckled aloud at 'consistently unforgiving', I almost like this mystery man that is trying to cripple the main. 'boost my clout' I know this must be your first reference to magic, even if your readers don't know what 'clout' is or does, they now know it is beneficial enough to be desired. They'll be watching for it. I also like the definition of clout, and how you are expanding on it. By the end of this paragraph, you'll have mentioned three different locations: Smelly Qny(first paragraph), easy to steal from Trko, Fun Ltls. Be careful not to world build so far out that your readers lose track of the details, but I'm now curious when we will get to explore these places. Adding the map pre-story was a great way to answer some of my questions without having to say a word. Also, apparently this area has a love for double S's. 

3.This paragraph feels like it needs to be read first sentence last. Try playing with it. Also, he is sure he has enough time suddenly, when last paragraph he was cutting it close, and the paragraph before he thought he was going to get possibly crippled. perhaps he -isn't- sure? This will also leave your readers in suspense a little longer.

4. Ahh, now I see why 3 was winding down. I'm a little disappointed we didn't get to read about the mains daring escape right away, because I feel there was potential for an exciting start here. I am holding out that this will change shortly seeing as the gulls may grab some attention. I will say that I like how nicely you are building Qny so far. Sea breeze, Gulls, busy markets, and garbage (won't be moving here anytime soon)! 

5. I've never seen 'detritus' before, so I learned something new today! Dry is the first time you use a word to describe when you are out of magic and will be remembered. We are also learning that people still use bones for soup and other ordinary uses, and that even when you are low, you can still heat things to a degree.

6. Ooh! Politics are in play! (We have a King! So we have some form of archy here) I am very curious why storing bones is illegal! If the King doesn't wants bones thrown out, why not order them destroyed? In the final sentence, you use 'ridiculous' again when you've used it previously in the same paragraph. Might want to rearrange the last sentence as I found it a strange list to read. There's a large amount of information incoming. Might need a ; in there somewhere to break it up. 

7. We finally know something about our main other than he has worn out shoes on, he's close to 6ft. We also know that the people here like TALL fences, 8 ft. We also learn that with barely any clout, you can also amplify your hearing. He only used half, and it would have taken all to heat a bowl of soup, so we now figure heating is harder than hearing.Something to keep in mind so you remember to double down on that later. Also, YAY, action is coming!

8. Marrow, clout, and magic are now words we can associate together, yay! Somehow, our main believes he could use his magic to remove the gate obstacle, even with so little, but chooses not to. Either picking locks, or breaking stuff must be as easy as amplifying your hearing then. Also, our main would rather bust a gate down, then try and go over. Someone has seen him bust down their fence, and so far they've done nothing about it, OR they are doing something that we won't know about till later.

9. Main struggled to climb a fence 2 feet taller than himself without a corner, but was able to drop 8 feet no problem (could be a smooth fence though that is difficult to climb without being on the inside though). I immediately wonder why the Thugs (who are not stupid) don't notice the kicked in gate? and also why he needed to be on the inside to scale the wood fence (he could just be bad at climbing and jumping which is character building). Last sentence is a little long, might want to break it up. We now know the main character is a bit of a thrill seeker that loves the ladies.

10. Heat is suggested as a use here to scald someone. It would take just as much cloute as amplifying hearing or opening a lock, but can't heat a bowl of soup fully. I highly suggest you write these little things down as you go (unless you have already), so you don't lose track!

11-End. (I felt this last part all kind of collides together) I'm noticing that our Main speaks pretty well, especially for someone in the rough. This is a nice indicator of his personality, silver tongued. The butcher, in comparison,  is short, and blunt. Not personable at all! We also seem to have tricked the thugs again, and are 'safe' for another second or...(maybe its cause they know those bluecoats are coming). The ease of which the money is exchanged makes me wonder if the Butcher was selling our main out, or if it was just a coincidence. Then of course, we're swarmed. This is why we don't kick in people's fences! I want to point out that when it mentions the bluecoats coming in the back, I immediately wondered how they got there when our main struggled to get in himself. You never indicted the butcher had a gate, just a stone wall that the main was incapable of scaling without having the inside of the wood fence for help. Something to consider. Finally, we put a name to our main, J! At the same time, we learn that casters are REALLY not well liked. I enjoyed the ending here, with J asking if he could get his money back while being roughly manhandled. Probably wishful thinking J! At least you're not crippled.

 

[Majestic Fox]

Frantic times for me right now but managed to read this. Writing on a mobile in a car so apologies for the truncated feedback 

I like the writing style, this feels like well executed first person prose, especially for a first draft.

Character feels distinctive. Has attitude. That came across despite the short length.

Setting was also distinctive but in a way that turned me off a bit...felt a little unpleasant, a bit bleak and dirty. Also felt too close to the real world for my tastes (probably amplified since I'm also a northern Brit). 

The balance between pace and immersion is spot on for me.

 

Good work! Strong start. Keep it up. 

Edited May 29, 2018 by Majestic Fox

[Robinski]

21 hours ago, Majestic Fox said:

I like the writing style, this feels like well executed first person prose, especially for a first draft.

Character feels distinctive. Has attitude. That came across despite the short length.

21 hours ago, Majestic Fox said:

The balance between pace and immersion is spot on for me.

Good work! Strong start. Keep it up. 

Hey, thanks Fox. Feedback much appreciated  

I'm glad that various things are working for you. I still have some work to do from the other comments, but I'll try not to break anything as I try to fix others things.

21 hours ago, Majestic Fox said:

Setting was also distinctive but in a way that turned me off a bit...felt a little unpleasant, a bit bleak and dirty. Also felt too close to the real world for my tastes (probably amplified since I'm also a northern Brit). 

LOL. Welcome to my world, being slightly further north than you, but this is good. The scene takes place in a dirty back lane, so I think this hits the mark.

Thanks again!!  

(p.s. When you gonna submit something? *Hint, HINT* --- Ah, just checked up on you. Looks good so far. Probably due some more soon?)

[Robinski]

Thank you for reading, K--much appreciated.

On 27/05/2018 at 10:13 PM, kais said:

Sneaking in under the wire here

There's a wire?  

On 27/05/2018 at 10:13 PM, kais said:

I don't have any 'as I go' thoughts, because the flow was generally smooth, and the piece was short. What was really lacking, for me, was character buy-in. I don't know enough about this guy to care that he has been caught, and there isn't enough voice in the first six pages for me to root for him on, say, sarcasm or duty, alone.

Right, that's a problem. The others seem generally to be okay with J so far, but I want your buy-in too. I will go back and look at that. I do not disagree with what you are saying. There is background to him that is not revealed here, and insufficiently hinted at, I think. I can fix this!!

On 27/05/2018 at 10:13 PM, kais said:

Is this part of your W&S universe? It reads like it, especially your main character rings familiar to me. I think we might need a touch more to the character in these intro pages, although I will say I thought the pacing was just fine and generally, the world, while generic, was not unappealing.

It is. Setting doesn't have a big role to play in this first section, certainly, or in the next. It will expand as we go.

On 27/05/2018 at 10:13 PM, kais said:

I'm fine with waiting a bit for the magic system to be developed/shown.

That's good. There will be more in the next section.

Thanks again! 

<R>

[Robinski]

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

Awesome, I'm glad I stole onto hubbies computer and read your outline, it will make reading this more enjoyable :3. Once again, I tend to just jabber my way through, feel free to discard any suggestions I throw at you, and you don't need to respond unless you want to bounce some thoughts :). This is just for you, so you have something to think over.

Super comments, thank you. I shall, once again, go over them in detail when I have more time. You can expect some further comment.

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

So this is very late. I blame Rob, Rob was late and it became contagious.

When changing from a Newtonian to a relativistic description of time, the concept of absolute time is no longer applicable: events move through the light cone of the observer depending on their acceleration. In other words,  

[industrialistDragon]

There's not much to be said about this that hasn't already, so I'll just add my vote to the issues that have already been addressed.

I agree that if it's in a fence, it should be a gate, even if it's tall. Then it's a tall gate?  

I also felt like I lacked character buy-in. He reads a little smarmy to me, and I have nothing else to go on but his sarcasm, so I don't really care too much about what's happening to him.

Additionally, despite it being so short, I found myself having a very difficult time staying focused on the story. I kept looking up to find that I'd tabbed out of the story and onto.. just about anything else, really. There's certainly an identifiable style to the jargon and slang being used, but I'm not sure it's doing much for me right now when the story can't seem to work past it to grab my attention for more than a couple minutes at a time.

[Robinski]

Hey, thanks for reading ID.

On 31/05/2018 at 0:30 AM, industrialistDragon said:

I also felt like I lacked character buy-in. He reads a little smarmy to me, and I have nothing else to go on but his sarcasm, so I don't really care too much about what's happening to him.

Okay, I'll need to work on that.

On 31/05/2018 at 0:30 AM, industrialistDragon said:

Additionally, despite it being so short, I found myself having a very difficult time staying focused on the story. I kept looking up to find that I'd tabbed out of the story and onto.. just about anything else, really. There's certainly an identifiable style to the jargon and slang being used, but I'm not sure it's doing much for me right now when the story can't seem to work past it to grab my attention for more than a couple minutes at a time.

Hmm, not sure what to do about that at this point. I shall ponder it.

Thanks again  

[Robinski]

Uh, finally back at it after a day of travel (another travel day tomorrow). Thank you so much for your very thorough comments. Much appreciated!

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

1Intro...

I've taken on some of these, thank you. And everyone will be glad to hear it is now a gate in the fence.

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

2. O...

I'm glad these various language aspects are working for you.

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

3.This paragraph feels like it needs to be read first sentence last.

I've tweaked the reference to time and how much her has.

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

4. Ahh, now I see why 3 was winding down... I will say that I like how nicely you are building Qny so far... won't be moving here anytime soon)! 

Lol. I'm glad you're getting a decent impression from what description there is. There seem to be quite mixed views on the setting. I'll stick with it for now.

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

5. I've never seen 'detritus' before, so I learned something new today!

Awesome  

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

6. I am very curious why storing bones is illegal! If the King doesn't wants bones thrown out, why not order them destroyed? In the final sentence, you use 'ridiculous' again when you've used it previously in the same paragraph. Might want to rearrange the last sentence as I found it a strange list to read. There's a large amount of information incoming. Might need a ; in there somewhere to break it up.

I've adjusted the bit about storing bones. Also, tweaked the reference to ridiculous: it was intended as a call-back to the first instance, but not really working.

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

7. We finally know something about our main... ...Something to keep in mind so you remember to double down on that later.

The magic system is still evolving, so there's a good chance I might need to go back a finesse some of these references. I've removed there reference 'half the remaining...', as it starts to limit me too soon, I think.

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

8. Somehow, our main believes he could use his magic to remove the gate obstacle, even with so little, but chooses not to.

I've changed this to him not having sufficient power left. I think the line about kicking the gate down has more humour now.

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

9. I immediately wonder why the Thugs (who are not stupid) don't notice the kicked in gate? and also why he needed to be on the inside to scale the wood fence (he could just be bad at climbing and jumping which is character building). Last sentence is a little long, might want to break it up. We now know the main character is a bit of a thrill seeker that loves the ladies.

All tidied up now, and so better, I hope.

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

10. I highly suggest you write these little things down as you go (unless you have already), so you don't lose track!

That would be the sensible thing. Alternatively, I could just throw them out like confetti as I go and see if anyone notices, then go back and fix them later  I bit of both will be the way, I suspect. I have a spreadsheet on the go, setting out/characterising all the different animals and the magical effects of their bones. The scale of clout has not yet been calculated.

On 29/05/2018 at 2:34 AM, QuirkyGrandpa said:

11-End. I'm noticing that our Main speaks pretty well, especially for someone in the rough.

The ease of which the money is exchanged makes me wonder if the Butcher was selling our main out, or if it was just a coincidence.

I immediately wondered how they got there when our main struggled to get in himself. You never indicted the butcher had a gate

I enjoyed the ending here, with J asking if he could get his money back while being roughly manhandled. Probably wishful thinking J! At least you're not crippled.

Good, I'm glad the different voices come through, and I'm happy that you suspected the trap. I guess some will and some won't, to different degrees of confidence. I've fixed the issue with the wall having no gate, it was always meant to. Also, well pleased with your reactions at the end.

Thank you again; very useful comments here, I've made some good fixes, I think