20180521 - Journey to the Top of the Nether - Part 8 - 5005 words - Mandamon

[Mandamon]

Second to last section!

Previously, the group rode in the balloon until their fuel ran out, and then anchored the beetle to the wall. They climbed for a few days, but the beetle hit a snag. They met another crew climbing up the wall, and started climbing together.
After an accident that took one of each of the crews, the four remaining climbed through the cloud layer to find a giant waterfall forming the clouds. Above the clouds, they discovered a great waterfall, climbed below it until they crossed the vertical river, then began climbing upward again until they began to see strange white lights inside the wall.
It turned out the white lights were roots, and they entered a forest, and soon after met the species who lives at the top of the Nether.
A child of the first family the explorers met took them to the city, where they discovered more about the winged people, and our protagonist learned that they use spider silk and sung Nether crystal for much of their technology. Also, the species was stuck there, and didn't remember their homeworld. Finally, they set up a time to meet with the leader of the Nether to discuss the new species.

Looking for all comments as usual. We're also getting toward the end, so let me know if there are any promises made at the beginning that haven't been fulfilled. Thanks!
 

[Jorville]

There were a few references here where I would have been better served having read all the previous stuff, but it wasn't a major issue.

Again I felt that the city description wasn't clear. I don't get a sense of a contiguous city, only isolated pockets where the events of the plot take place. I don't know If that's a wasted comment since I commented on this before but thought I would mention it.

Another thing I saw was that there wasn't a noticeable reactionary movement to this gigantic change that this culture is about to undergo. It may be that it just the way they are but I would think that a lot of people would be afraid or against this portal. Additionally I feel like there isn't a ton of excitement about the portal from some of the Gs either. All and all It seems like the a just, "oh a life changing alteration to our world and we will have contact to a whole new civilization that we haven't seen ever before? that's cool."

In regard to the coup. I fail to see how it would logically have any lasting effect. These seem to be relatively advance cultures where rule of law is an important thing. If W forced everyone to do everything at gunpoint then left witnesses around they could all use the legal system to null any contract that he ensured was signed under duress. I would think that W would need more leverage then the gun for him to get his wish, forcing the others to remain silent. 

On page 10, A says life vice live. Nothing in A's previous diction leads me to think that life is the intended word choice there. Unless I am missing something specific.

N's reaction to W's betrayal seems kinda odd. Obvious anger and frustration is displayed initially but I would expect that to color the tone for the rest of the scene from a first person narrative and that doesn't really come across. I didn't really receive a feel for a the dejected acceptance tone for everything after.

[Mandamon]

Thanks @Jorville!

11 hours ago, Jorville said:

I don't get a sense of a contiguous city, only isolated pockets where the events of the plot take place.

No, it's good to mention this again. I'm noticing this a lot more as I go through feedback. I'll be fleshing out the descriptions a lot.

11 hours ago, Jorville said:

there wasn't a noticeable reactionary movement to this gigantic change that this culture is about to undergo

Yeah--also need to flesh this out a bit...

11 hours ago, Jorville said:

In regard to the coup. I fail to see how it would logically have any lasting effect.

Let me know what you think of the last section, and whether it works. It is mid-grade, so I didn't want to get too technical

11 hours ago, Jorville said:

N's reaction to W's betrayal seems kinda odd.

Hm. Also need to amp this up, I see.

[kais]

Overall

Generally, I liked it a lot! I'm really curious to see what gender the love interest picks, and I'm enjoying the pacing and tension in this chapter. I was disappointed our protag didn't do something about the gun, and think I'd like to see her at least try/fail before they all go into the portal. I need a bit more movement from her. But otherwise, nice work!

 

On 5/21/2018 at 6:28 PM, Jorville said:

In regard to the coup. I fail to see how it would logically have any lasting effect.

This didn't occur to me when reading, but seeing @Jorville's comment, I do agree. I don't know that a middle grader would necessarily think about that, but then again, I don't know that they wouldn't, either, especially with how socially conscious kids are, especially now.

As I go

- page 4: 'tiled' my head? Tilted?

- page six: wait, what are they looking for in the tombs? I missed something

- page seven: ahh, there's the falling people bit!

- I totally connect with Mom's rushing to make discoveries on page eight. 

- page eight: typo on the capitalization of 'and' in the last line

- solid section break, page nine

- page 10: super into this molting thing, and its ties to gender and societal role. SUPER into it

- page 13: seems like a bit of emotional whiplash. Wasn't our protag really excited to be working under mom just a few pages ago? Now she wants to get out from under mom's shadow? I think I need a transition

 

[Mandamon]

8 hours ago, kais said:

I don't know that a middle grader would necessarily think about that, but then again, I don't know that they wouldn't, either, especially with how socially conscious kids are, especially now.

This is a very good point. I'll have to take a look at this part again. There is definitely some more of this is the last section, so let me know what you think, and if it resolves as-is.

8 hours ago, kais said:

I'm really curious to see what gender the love interest picks

Everything's about romance with you, isn't it? ;-)

But seriously, I wrote this more as a "friend" thing since it is mid-grade. Are you picking up a more specific romance vibes at certain points? Not that it can't go that way, but I think if so, I need to make it bigger...

[kais]

3 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Everything's about romance with you, isn't it? ;-)

Yes?

Everything's about queer romance with me, for sure. I think you'd find that with most queer readers. Het romance is a dime a dozen but when a queer set might pop up? o_O Someone lights the queer bat signal, and you can see heads popping up like whack-a-mole. If queer romance ever becomes mainstream that might change, but for now we're so used to having to subtext read into everything that we will follow that line of reeces pieces, even if it doesn't lead to E.T.

3 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Are you picking up a more specific romance vibes at certain points?

No, it could certainly go either way at this point, and that's fine. But it is certainly a fine set-up for a future romance line, or a dashing BFF adventure. I'm on board, either way. #enbiesforever  

I'll just add it to my list of fan fiction to write. If it ends up being slash fan fiction, you'll have only yourself to blame.  

[Mandamon]

17 minutes ago, kais said:

I'll just add it to my list of fan fiction to write. If it ends up being slash fan fiction, you'll have only yourself to blame.  

I think I need to start writing these down so I know how many slash fics to expect...

[AviatrixAway]

The only thing that stuck out for me as something to work on was the impending cultural changes. I would expect some groups of isolationists to come forward, as Grumv society seems to function well as it is. I'd also expect a huge amount of excitement over contacting other species and cultures, unless there's a great deal of secrecy over what the platform is for. This could potentially cause instability within the city, causing even more tension through the story.

I appreciated the explanation of the Grumvs' gender, and saw the hint of a middle grade style romance between Avi and the main character. Perhaps I was reading too much into the relationship, but that's how it was starting to come across to me. If that is the case, or if it's not the case, I think that some clarifications may be necessary shortly, especially if it's the case that individuals from different species don't pair off.

Particularly interesting to me was the naturalist aspect, and the idea that their findings could confirm the largely disbelieved theories of a dead parent; this added stakes to the journey for me, which seemed to be missing somewhat before.

[Mandamon]

Thanks @AviatrixAway!

Good comments on the cultural changes. I have a few hints stuck in there, but I can certainly pull it out more.

16 minutes ago, AviatrixAway said:

I appreciated the explanation of the Grumvs' gender, and saw the hint of a middle grade style romance between Avi and the main character.

Well, that's two votes for it! Maybe N and A will need to go off on another adventure together...

17 minutes ago, AviatrixAway said:

I think that some clarifications may be necessary shortly, especially if it's the case that individuals from different species don't pair off.

Heh--this is actually addressed in some of the other books, and I plan on having a full novella about it in the future.

17 minutes ago, AviatrixAway said:

the idea that their findings could confirm the largely disbelieved theories of a dead parent; this added stakes to the journey for me

Cool. I can accentuate this as well, in the next editing pass.

[kais]

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

Maybe N and A will need to go off on another adventure together...

100% on board for this

[industrialistDragon]

Pretty solid section, if a little slow up until W's inevitable betrayl. I'm a little worried that this section paired with the last one might be a little too much "down time" between big action.  Neither one is boring on their own, but I think if I was reading them together I might be getting a little antsy, and I'm not sure W's turn quite makes up for it. 

And for the record, I saw absolutely nothing romantic in this section at all. 

 

One thing I'm noticing in this section is the way the scenes in the first half all seem to be starting the same way. N states the time passing, then N mentions either wanting to go home, or helping with something.   here:

p1 "The next day passed in a blur. I tried to help Mom out with her experiments"

p2 "That night, eight of us met: .... 

p5 "“Five days!” ...... “I can hardly believe we will be able to travel to your home instantaneously."

p6 "The day after that, we were granted entry"

p7 "The next two days passed quickly, though I was anxious about finally getting to go home"

p8? i'm losing count... "It was already almost .... —midday, and I was itching to get back home."

 

Once the platform gets built the format changes up again. 

Something is off about the reveal with W, but I can't quite place it. I think maybe it's just the lack of emotion that's been kind of endemic to the whole story so far? 

"I gasped," -- I'm a little unclear why N is acting surprised here. Isn't this basically what they've been saying this whole time? 

So was the majus gut-shot? From where she's clutching herself it seems likely.So is she using her magic to not be incapacitated by pain and, like, dying? Or is W just a terrible shot and, like, only grazed her? I'm a little unclear how she's shaking off that kind of battle damage like W's threats and N's descriptions are implying. 

[Mandamon]

1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

I'm a little worried that this section paired with the last one might be a little too much "down time" between big action.

@Robinski said the same thing, so I'll need to take a look at the pacing.

1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

One thing I'm noticing in this section is the way the scenes in the first half all seem to be starting the same way.

That was sort of intentional, to mark how many days passed, but if it's annoying, I can change it.

1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

Something is off about the reveal with W, but I can't quite place it. I think maybe it's just the lack of emotion

Probably the emotion. That seems to be the big issue with this story.

1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said:

So was the majus gut-shot?

Ah, no--he shot her in the hand, as a warning/example. I'll make this clearer.

Thanks @industrialistDragon

[industrialistDragon]

16 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

That was sort of intentional, to mark how many days passed, but if it's annoying, I can change it

I think it maybe either needs to be played up a LOT more so there's no question it's intentional, or changed around so the format isn't quite so similar. It was causing a bit of reading fatigue for me as-is, but I do enjoy repetition when it's intentional and has a good cadence. 

[Robinski]

I had very little difficulty with this section. I enjoyed it and, once W played his cards, it fairly clipped forward and I barely made any more comments. Good job. Really looking forward to the last section now that the stakes are sky high.

I did ask myself if I would have enjoyed the previous submission more if the reveal had come earlier, and if that would have worked with the other stuff that happened, but I really don't think it would have.

All good. Nice work  

p.s. - LBLs sent separately.

Edited May 28, 2018 by Robinski

[Mandamon]

Thanks @Robinski! Did you send LBLs on already? I haven't received them yet, but email might be wonky with cruising.

Glad the pacing worked for you...hope the last section satisfies!

[Robinski]

I didn't, but I have now