Fox - Chapter 10 - kais 05/14/18, 3885 words (S)

[kais]

Same ole same ole. Pacing, age, are they working. There isn’t actual sex in this chapter, but there is nudity and some stray thoughts so, you know, progress at your own risk. Please abbreviate all proper nouns.

[Mandamon]

This has always been a pretty solid chapter. Some small things I caught below (guilds and worldbuilding, as usual), but generally good pacing and tension. I think the tension here works a lot better with S being younger.

Notes while reading:
pg 1: "a funny tickle in my lower back"
--this is a strange way of putting it. Usually back pain for me is either "that's uncomfortable" or "I'm going to lie down now."

pg 2: "P's believe each village has a special spirit that guards their lands"
--how does this translate to no doctors? Needs a connecting sentence. Do the spirits not like organized medicine?

pg 2: "The week of t is a week of observance."
--still don't see how this leads to no doctors. Are they busy observing too? Other people seem to be working.
"The only things open are the inns,"
--ah, this explains it better. I'd expand on this part before this point.

pg 3: "You know we’ve no law against them."
--ok, my guild alert is going off again. If there's nothing to stop unguilded workers, and I assume they're cheaper, how does that affect the guilds staying profitable? I assume there's probably people in there somewhere with large clubs to enforce guild standards.

pg 3: "It’s not like someone is going to invent a machine to cut veneer or spin cotton"
--lol

pg 4: "I knelt and removed her other boot"
--eh? I thought she already had the boot off the good leg on page 1?

pg 4: "The innkeeper is a free witch, perhaps?” 
--I'm assuming this is because it's winter and hard to get actual flower petals? Might need to make the logical jump a little easier, just to smooth reading.

pg 5: "because I didn’t, finish. Because I stayed in between"
--I thought S was identified as female in early life? Saying S "stayed" in between leads me to think S always had strong preference to NB, but I got the impression it was a more recent thing from the rest of the story.

pg 6: "she looked… human"
--Was S expecting something non-human?

pg 7: "I was here as her alchemist, not as her friend"
--I thought she was specifically here as a friend to M? Maybe WRS

pg 9: "viscacha"
--never heard of them before.

Pg 10: Yay competent S!

Pg 13: "Come help me out and get in, while the water is warm"
--moments ago, S was going to leave her for 30 minutes...

[Asmodemon]

Good chapter, I really enjoyed the tension between S. and M..

 

Three boots: “I knelt and removed her other boot”. Small oversight on page 4 I think, because on page 1 you have one of the boots already on the ground, and on page 2 S. helps the other boot off of M.’s injured leg.

 

Info-dumping: The explanations of the festival as well as guild/un-guild laws to S. feels a little info-dumpy, I’d much rather see these things in action rather than have M. explain it to M. We already know the salient points from last chapter, which is that there are no physicians available during the festival, and that the guilds are in decline. The rest doesn’t seem that important at this point.

 

Passing as a commoner:  S. observes that M. wasn’t passing as a commoner as well as she thought. From my perspective M. isn’t trying to pass herself off as a commoner at all – everyone seems to know who she is, she spends a lot of money and her behavior is too haughty for a commoner. If M. is trying to pass as a commoner, and that going around in disguise rather than with guards is her big plan, you may need to rework that a bit more, because I’m not seeing it.

 

Stayed in between: “People started talking because I didn’t, finish. Because I stayed in between.” I’m not sure what this means. Didn’t finish what? Stayed in between what?

 

Human: “She looked human” as opposed to what? I wasn’t aware that there were non-humans around?

 

Barrier: I’m trying to wrap my head around how the solvent works and what S. does. S. has a solvent that will bind to the skin and form a film on top of it, but it doesn’t bind in water. I take this to mean it also won’t make a film either, since that’s the end result of binding to the skin of whatever it touches. So when S. makes the wound wet, so the solvent doesn’t bind with the open tissue (and get internal, yet S. also remarks that small quantities shouldn’t be a problem anyway, so why even bother), it still forms a film on top of the thin layer of water on the wound…I thought it couldn’t bind when it was wet?

[industrialistDragon]

So is a believable 17-year-old. The chapters work better in YA format.

 

Why would either Ma or moms tell So about the guilds? Ma would have assumed So already knew, since it's common knowledge (given that the nonguild barmaid/keep can have detailed discussions about the intricacies of guilds' gradual dissolution), and moms would hardly confide in a child, even ignoring all the plot reasons for isolating So, AND moms' personality in general.  If it's meant to be more rhetorical frustration it's not coming off that way.

Though, I am kind of unclear how moms disappearing is proof of "clearly" knowing things were rotten with the guilds. Since that's all moms has done so far, disappear. 

 

"Spookiness of the unbound guilds and all.”  I don't understand what any sentence in this paragraph has to do with any other sentence, and how any of it explains why doctors don't work over the holiday.

"a week of observance" how does Ma know all this when So does not? It seems like a big, multi-town-celebrated holiday and to go to @Asmodemon 's comments... somewhere around here, So wasn't being kept in complete isolation from birth I thought... therefore it's ringing a little weird to have Ma explain what seems like a major holiday to So like So is a very small child. Very, very small. 

 

A lot of these spoken sentences in this submission are missing their beginnings or subjects. I know that's how people speak IRL, but writing usually needs more clarity. A few here and there is fine, but this many is starting to confuse me. 

"You know that better than anyone" -- Ma sure is reading a lot into one grumpy, snobbish line of dialogue. This feels a little like just a name-check for the main plot, so that the scene doesn't get called on for being irrelevant. 

"removed her other boot" - I agree with @Mandamon & @Asmodemon. She was already 1-booted on entry this round.

 

"wasn’t passing as a commoner" -- I agree with @Asmodemon. Ma was never mentioned as going incognito, nor does it seem like she has been particularly trying.  

 

"“I needed to get… control" -- This gives So a LOT more volition with regards to the isolation than there had been previously. It's not a bad thing, it's just interesting. It makes what So's saying about wanting to have any kind of contact between them not seem as genuine to me.  When it was just moms being manipulative, and So was more under her influence, I could believe moms convinced So of any number of things about why they couldn't go visit Ma anymore. Now, it seems more like So was in agreement with moms, and instead of feeling for So like I did last time, I'm squarely on Ma's side. Dropping your bestie like a sack of squishy potatoes is pretty low, fabulously good reasons or not. No letters even? Puberty doesn't take away your ability to write, So... 

 

"she looked… human"  -- I agree with the others. This is a really weird line, and kind of a buzzkill because of it. 

 

"as Magda stood and cursed"  -- At the start of this convo, So and Ma stood from the bed and walked to the bath. if Ma is standing again, then was she sitting on the floor? I had kind of thought Ma had gotten into the bathtub with her clothes on from the way the blocking was going once the three boots came off, and was undressing from there. I'd just assumed it was to soak her pants off her cut and make So uncomfortable. But it's really confusing through here. 

 

"not completely injurious" -- injurious = likely to cause injury or harm (also commonly used in a legal context, so it sounds doubly weird to me).  It's pretty well already done that, being a major cut and all.  Incapacitating? Fatal? Crippling? Mortal? Dangerous? Life-threatening? Lame? Also, this is the second time So has expressed basically this exact sentiment in the space of one scene (and thinking on it now I believe I'm remembering So mentioning something similar last scene while obsessing over Ma getting back on the horse or something), so it feels kind of redundant here again. 

 

"and began to wash near the wound" -- This is a lot more awkward (and vaguely bdsm) with them just standing around in the near vicinity of the tub. Ma isn't even in the water at this point, is she? I'm so confused. 

 

"next to the chair" -- What chair? 

 

I agree with @Asmodemon re the binding scene. Also, won't it get into Ma's system once the water is absorbed/evaporates? A wound that big would need to drain, wouldn't it? I'm not that great with medicine, but I thought that was partially why you did stitches and not superglue all the time, so that things could drain while still being close enough together not to scar badly?

 

"pretentious common name" -- It sounds like a descriptive one to me. I'd guess it was yellowish and either a similar color, or a similar shape to a mango. Birds and flowers and junk have similar names all the time. (Except the ivory-billed woodpecker got the moniker "The Lord God Bird" apparently because people said that when they saw how huge it was, and that's a pretty darn pretentious common name imo. Heck, you've got plants named things like love-lies-bleeding, and cultivars named like pedigreed horses (Cajun's Queen's Lace, Frozen in Time, AE Oracle of Destiny), so like, "golden mango" really strikes me as pretty prosaic) 

 

"Come help me out and get in," ... did Ma actually do anything in the bath besides barely get wet and make So uncomfortable? This whole back section feels mixed up and repetitive... is it more of the old stuff not fitting in right?

[AviatrixAway]

The tension between M and S was excellent, and I'm afraid, having glanced over the previous crits, that I can't add much more.

Boots: The issue of the three boots has already been mentioned.

The brevity of M's bath: While M's bath did seem short, it wasn't so much that as the fact that she didn't do anything in said bath except sit amongst the rose petals and the steam, which was excellent for tension, but not for cleaning. That being said, I should repeat: excellent for tension. 

Info dump re: guilds: There was some slight info dumping regarding the guilds, but, honestly, I think that's just how people talk. Sometimes a character has more to say than a sentence or two. 

At the point where M tells S that she won't push: While I can see how this would decrease tension in some ways, in others I would think that it would be all S could think about afterward. M is basically saying that she's willing, and in a partner that I wanted, that would certainly catch and hold my attention. S would have to be obtuse about this particular aspect of human relations  to shrug this off, or be ambivalent as to whether S wants M in the first place. That being said, this is the first chapter I've read; there are likely nuances of which I am unaware. 

[Robinski]

Lots of bits and bobs in the LBLs that I emailed separately. 

Nice close when you might not have had much to close the chapter on, given that it was a 'down' chapter. Good tension, although I wanted more, but I guess you are still teasing, relationship-wise. Progress though. I enjoyed this chapter, but then we all know that I like a slow chapter 'now and then'  

Good chapter length, easy to read and to remain immersed in the character relationships. Good to see the powder (granules?) in action in a different way, and nice to take a break from the plot, and guilds and missing masters, etc.

[kais]

Look at this! It's like I'm gaining ground on critiques! 

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

this is a strange way of putting it.

But hopefully apt? Can confirm this happened after my last horse encounter. I think I need more ab muscles.

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

Needs a connecting sentence

Check!

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

I'd expand on this part before this point.

Double check!

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

my guild alert

There's a special alert!?!

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

how does that affect the guilds staying profitable

I think the following sentences answer it? I'll try to make it more clear. 

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

I thought she already had the boot off the good leg on page 1?

This will henceforth be known as the three boot problem. Am fixing now.

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

-I'm assuming this is because it's winter and hard to get actual flower petals

It's because they're spinning. Do I need to call this out more?

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

I thought S was identified as female in early life? Saying S "stayed" in between leads me to think S always had strong preference to NB, but I got the impression it was a more recent thing from the rest of the story.

Hmm. Your assumption is correct. I might need to jiggle the phrasing here.

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

Was S expecting something non-human?

I was trying to say that M just looked like a normal person, not a princess, but since everyone tripped over this section, I just deleted it

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

I thought she was specifically here as a friend to M? Maybe WRS

No, bad wording on my part. Fixing!

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

never heard of them before.

They're tasty!

On 5/14/2018 at 0:08 PM, Mandamon said:

moments ago, S was going to leave her for 30 minutes...

M clearly has other ideas....

But yes, edited. Thank you so much! 

[Mandamon]

8 hours ago, kais said:

There's a special alert!?!

There is after reading your book ;-)

8 hours ago, kais said:

It's because they're spinning. Do I need to call this out more?

Yes. I'd assumed spinning was due (/engineer) to heat rising/brownian motion in the bath. (end /engineer)

 

[kais]

On 5/15/2018 at 0:46 PM, Asmodemon said:

Three boots:

I have removed the extra boot.

On 5/15/2018 at 0:46 PM, Asmodemon said:

The rest doesn’t seem that important at this point.

Hmm. It may have to stay at this point, since it leads directly to events in the next chapter. I'll think on if there's a better way to incorporate it though.

On 5/15/2018 at 0:46 PM, Asmodemon said:

From my perspective M. isn’t trying to pass herself off as a commoner at all

She isn't try to at all. This was meant more to show that S expects everyone to be concealing things about themselves. Sort of a subtle point, so I'm not sure it matters if it doesn't land all the time.

On 5/15/2018 at 0:46 PM, Asmodemon said:

Didn’t finish what? Stayed in between what?

Between genders. I cleared the wording up a bit

On 5/15/2018 at 0:46 PM, Asmodemon said:

as opposed to what

I just removed this line. It clearly wasn't doing what I wanted it to

On 5/15/2018 at 0:46 PM, Asmodemon said:

I thought it couldn’t bind when it was wet?

It can't bind to water itself, but it can bind to itself in water. I'll see if I can't clear this up. This is a very real compound too, if that's interesting to anyone, with super weird properties. We work with it in my lab. 

Thank you for the feedback! Very helpful!

 

On 5/15/2018 at 4:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

If it's meant to be more rhetorical frustration it's not coming off that way.

I was aiming for more indignant anger that to the reader may or may not be reasonable. Does that work?

On 5/15/2018 at 4:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I don't understand what any sentence in this paragraph has to do with any other sentence

I've cleaned this paragraph up

On 5/15/2018 at 4:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

So wasn't being kept in complete isolation from birth I thought.

I've clarified the isolation part in the first chapter now

On 5/15/2018 at 4:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Puberty doesn't take away your ability to write, So... 

LOL! Well S isn't entirely blameless in any of this, for sure

On 5/15/2018 at 4:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

But it's really confusing through here. 

Okay, Will fix.

On 5/15/2018 at 4:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

so it feels kind of redundant here again. 

Yup. I'll go through and delete a few

On 5/15/2018 at 4:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Ma isn't even in the water at this point, is she? I'm so confused. 

She's sitting on the lip of the tub. I'll make it more clear

On 5/15/2018 at 4:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

What chair? 

It was mentioned earlier in the chapter, but I'll just delete this part

On 5/15/2018 at 4:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Also, won't it get into Ma's system once the water is absorbed/evaporates?

Hmm, I'll have to mention its inert once bound somewhere, it seems

On 5/15/2018 at 4:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

This whole back section feels mixed up and repetitive

I think it just needs some tidying. Thank you for blocking help!!

 

On 5/20/2018 at 5:29 PM, AviatrixAway said:

anything in said bath except sit amongst the rose petals and the steam

I bow to the will of the people. M will scrub!

On 5/20/2018 at 5:29 PM, AviatrixAway said:

M is basically saying that she's willing

Yes! And that is exactly what I need at this time, so it's working! Thank you for the feedback, and welcome to RE!!

 

On 5/20/2018 at 11:38 PM, Robinski said:

Good chapter length, easy to read and to remain immersed in the character relationships.

Woohoo! I'm about to head into your LBLs, so thank you in advance for those!