Robinski Posted May 2, 2018 Report Share Posted May 2, 2018 Bit rushed. Sorry. I'm just not writing fit enough to keep up with the submission schedule and critiquing, but very reluctant to miss a week (slots permitting) and lose the thread. Thank you for your patience, and apologies for my tardiness in replying to your kindly offered comments. Ay least this one's a bit shorter <R> 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted May 2, 2018 Report Share Posted May 2, 2018 I've sent LBLs... This one is pretty rough. I'm still not sold on why Q and M are doubling down on the "life of crime" bit. This time, they're going for broke in assaulting paramedics and taking a hostage. When they do get caught (and I can't imagine they'd be safe anywhere nearby) they're going to have a bunch of charges. This will all get in the way of Q resolving the contract. Also very confused by the ending. I got the mysterious caller part, but I have no idea what E is doing. pg 5: the part about being a pilot is a bit out of the blue, but I'm willing to give Q the benefit of the doubt. Pg 6: If they got rid of the radio, how did they contact the town? Pg 10: They're taking a paramedic hostage? Pg 12: Do we know this about M's parents? Pg 13: Pretty confused with the call at the end. I'm not sure what E's creepy staring is doing. Is he translating the call somehow? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted May 4, 2018 Report Share Posted May 4, 2018 I feel you on the behind thing. Ugh. Overall I don't have much to comment on this time around. It's mostly action, and the pacing is just fine. I think it all comes off a little too easily, but in fairness it is rural Canada, and people are pretty easy going. I don't understand how the call comes through at all. Did someone hack eighty? Also, like @Mandamon, the life of crime bit seems a little implausible. I think I need more desperation from them before being okay with just randomly punching people. But generally, I liked this! As I go - page six: road hot pokers? red hot pokers? - page six: missed change to make a quip about gentlemen, I think, after the hangnail comment (which I loved) - rolling along at a good clip here, and the only thing that comes to mind is that it all seems...really easy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted May 6, 2018 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2018 Indebted to you, @Mandamon, for the LBLs. Some key points from those: - I changed the line about the punch a bit. Also, the paramedic was not kidnapped, but I can see how it looked that way. - Tried to show not tell the bit about E breaking into the car. - Ha... , the 'constantly on the move' repeated line in both narrative and dialogue is supposed to be a joke. It's a technique I've seen used elsewhere. The idea, I think, is that it's unexpected, because you've just read it in narrative. I guess I can mark you down as one in the 'Fail' column - M's parents: it's from the first book. Long time ago. It is mentioned in TCC that she's an orphan, but maybe I need to trail that again near the beginning of this book. - I've sought to clarify what E is doing in testing source of the incoming call. Similarly, the line about whistle-blowing was Q's. Not clear. Thanks. - I'm going to have to re-read. Did they contact the town? I don't remember that bit!! - I've tried to clarify the call a bit. It's supposed to add a further note of mystery, but I'll need to work on it. Thanks for the super-useful comments. Really appreciated. <R> 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted May 6, 2018 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2018 (edited) Hey Kais, thank you so much for reading. On 04/05/2018 at 4:13 AM, kais said: I don't have much to comment on this time around. It's mostly action, and the pacing is just fine. - Huzzah! I think it all comes off a little too easily, but in fairness it is rural Canada, and people are pretty easy going. - Oh, ya. But I was thinking of upping the stakes with the paramedics and making one of them (the female) and android. I thought Q vs Android Lady might be quite amusing. I don't understand how the call comes through at all. Did someone hack eighty? - This might be a better option. I've done that later on too. Also, like @Mandamon, the life of crime bit seems a little implausible. I think I need more desperation from them before being okay with just randomly punching people.- I'm going to 'fix' the punch thing, but take you point. But generally, I liked this!- Phew, that's reassuring. - page six: road hot pokers? red hot pokers?- Yup. - page six: missed chance to make a quip about gentlemen, I think, after the hangnail comment (which I loved) - Tweaked. - rolling along at a good clip here, and the only thing that comes to mind is that it all seems...really easy. - Right. I accept there is no trying and failing going on. I was hoping to get them to Yellowknife and not slow them down on the road any more than I could avoid. I'll need to think on that. Excellent comments, thank you so much, very helpful (and thought provoking). Edited May 6, 2018 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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