kais

Fox - Chapter 7 - kais 04/23/18, 3519 words

6 posts in this topic

An interlude and chapter six. Chapter has become shorter in order to help with pacing, but otherwise it’s mostly the same as before. Pacing and age are the main concerns, as usual. Some changes have happened in earlier chapters, the most important at this point being that S is now the one who discovered how to make bone oil (pyridine), and shows R how to do it before they part ways (it’s plot relevant later).

Please abbreviate all proper nouns. Thank you!
 

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On 4/23/2018 at 10:30 AM, kais said:

S is now the one who discovered how to make bone oil (pyridine), and shows R how to do it before they part ways (it’s plot relevant later).

I like this. More competency from S, and more reason for R to want to take S as an apprentice.

 

I think this section definitely benefits from the shorter chapters. Makes it more of a page-turner.

Interlude: Good, and I like that this starts informing us about the history. However, I'd think even an 11 year old would know a little more than that.
especially "the amulet seeped magic into the water or something "
and "and somehow she beat him without magic"
I want maybe one more sentence on both of these, unless it comes up later on.

pg 5: "Yours is male, and called Peanut"
--is the joke because peanuts are small and it's big, or something about nuts and being male?
--Also, do they even have peanuts? That's not a tropical crop...

pg 6: "It was thick conifer forests through the road and pass"
--I still want to know how the climate changes so fast.

pg 8: I thought a hobbyhorse was just a stick with a toy horse head attached?

pg 10: "so this might just be standard guild rivalry, noting how close we are to Puget.”
--those guilds, always playing around, cutting fingers off...

pg 12: "with an arrow through his eye"
Peanut!

Nice last line.

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So is a believable 17-year-old. The chapters work better in YA format. 


Interlude still needs work on the actual story part. I agree with @Mandamon that it's not quite there as a bored kid rushing through something. The rest up to that point was fine.

 

"Peanut stayed" Horses are herd animals, and I feel like one as docile and well-trained as Peanut would have to be to, be given to a new rider like So, would be far more likely to follow his herd on his own than simply let his herd walk away without him. He knows his job, after all. Might defer to his rider for a little while, but when it became clear his rider wasn't going to do the things riders are supposed to do, he'd likely default to either going back home or following his friends I feel like. 

"a horse still trying to keep up" again, I feel like Peanut would have stopped. 1) because he's well trained and So has just done something Really Weird, and 2) because if So's hanging off the reigns, that's a full weight of human pulling on a very sensitive part of a horse. Maybe he'd try to walk backwards or something to relieve the pressure, or maybe he'd just stand still but I doubt very much he'd just ignore something that disruptive.

 

So seems to flipflop a lot more on her willingness to help moms than in prior versions, but here it seems to depend more on what would be more antagonistic to the plot than any emotion or moral dilemma actually stemming from So. When moms is needed to get perms for the apprenticeship but is mysteriously vanished, So is all about finding moms and frustrated when that's impossible. When Ma wants So to come look for moms, So suddenly doesn't care. When So is trying to enjoy the horse ride, suddenly worry for moms is preventing that enjoyment again.  Conflicted emotions are fine, angst is fine, but this feels less like emotions and more like wangst for plot purposes. 

 

you nock an arrow, you knock on a door. 

 

Same with So's memories of the burning house. It's okay to be conflicted, but it's awfully convenient that So is only driven to near catatonia by the memories of the house when it's most thrilling for the plot, and the times when it would hold back the plot So states and acts like the house and the memories don't matter in the least. 

 

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Sorry for the delay. LBLs emailed. Here are the headlines:

I think the story interlude was longer and more detailed before. This stripped-down version, for me, is quite a bit less satisfying, and feels rushed, kind of thrown togther.

How do the strands of M's cloak tickle S's nose? Rabbit fur is not that long, surely.
 
"midday position" and "mountain range base" are really quite ugly phrases. As writers, part of our job--I think--is to transport the reader to the location and the setting, and evoking the emotion of being there. So, paint me a picture, darn it! I want lyricism!!! ;) 
 
“The ground was red beneath him” – Really? I feel like a lot of the blood in shows and films nowadays is complete fallacy.

“Arrows shot from the canopy, one hitting Peanut again, and the other just missing Magda’s cheek” – (1) How does S know it’s two arrows? I don’t think one could tell in that situation how many arrows it was. (2) I don’t think S can be as specific as to say where it missed M. Maybe it missed her head, but not as small a location as her cheek.

“I wanted to help, could help, but with swords and arrows, I’d never get close enough to anyone to use the extracts” – So, in other words, S is unable to help.

“Three more arrows came, tearing through Magda’s cloak and across her left thigh” – I just think this is too accurate to be in S's POV. Maybe in M's, who has experience with combat.

“I could come from behind, take one of them by surprise” – I don't believe this. Where is S's experience in tracking or combat?

“I’d be relegated to my backside for every minor skirmish” – LOL :lol: 

Nice zinger at the end. Really nice gut punch at the end of the chapter. That would bring me back for sure.

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#catchingup

On 4/24/2018 at 8:58 AM, Mandamon said:

I want maybe one more sentence on both of these, unless it comes up later on.

Fair. Have added a bit more detail

On 4/24/2018 at 8:58 AM, Mandamon said:

is the joke because peanuts are small and it's big

It's a size joke, although knowing M, possibly also a male anatomy joke. I hadn't even thought of that, but I also wrote an entire series about lesbians who use wood on a day to day basis, so...

On 4/24/2018 at 8:58 AM, Mandamon said:

Also, do they even have peanuts? That's not a tropical crop...

Trade!

On 4/24/2018 at 8:58 AM, Mandamon said:

I still want to know how the climate changes so fast.

Book two will get into it more. This one I wasn't going to have much explanation. I did at one point, but it was cut for pacing

On 4/24/2018 at 8:58 AM, Mandamon said:

I thought a hobbyhorse was just a stick with a toy horse head attached?

You are correct. It was supposed to make this funnier.

On 4/24/2018 at 8:58 AM, Mandamon said:

Peanut!

I fridged the horse and no one even called me on it!

Thank you for the comments!

 

On 4/25/2018 at 4:09 PM, industrialistDragon said:

that it's not quite there as a bored kid rushing through something

Check. Will edit

On 4/25/2018 at 4:09 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I feel like Peanut would have stopped

Horse ride has been edited. Solid comments

On 4/25/2018 at 4:09 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Conflicted emotions are fine, angst is fine, but this feels less like emotions and more like wangst for plot purposes. 

Have tried to clarify this

On 4/25/2018 at 4:09 PM, industrialistDragon said:

ou nock an arrow, you knock on a door.

I swear I change this in every version, and it always comes back. Like headlice or something

On 4/25/2018 at 4:09 PM, industrialistDragon said:

It's okay to be conflicted, but it's awfully convenient that So is only driven to near catatonia by the memories of t

fair. I've made this more about M's orders now and S used to taking orders

Thank you!!

 

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On 4/30/2018 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

is quite a bit less satisfying, and feels rushed, kind of thrown togther.

Consensus agrees! Have edited.

On 4/30/2018 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

Rabbit fur is not that long, surely.

You have never been accosted by an angora rabbit, I take it.

On 4/30/2018 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

Really?

I was thinking on white snow it would really stand out. Even a few drops of blood on snow is really striking

On 4/30/2018 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

Maybe it missed her head, but not as small a location as her cheek.

fair. Will edit.

On 4/30/2018 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

I just think this is too accurate

That seems fair. Easy edit

On 4/30/2018 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

Where is S's experience in tracking or combat?

None, which is why M shoots the idea down

Thank you for the LBLs and these comments! Very helpful (especially now that I can finally get around to editing!)

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