Robinski - 180417 - TCC Chapter 08 - 5591 words (LV)

[Robinski]

So, pressing on, slightly longer this week, I hope that is okay. If there was a Part 1 to the story, this would be the end that part. I hope it is action-packed, and that it pulls you through, but also provides some nuggets background and character moments.

I realise that there are logistical issues in the submission to date, and retconning his made some aspect disjointed. I need a good edit to rectify a lot of this stuff, but I'd like to forge on with the story. I'm planning a doing a short summary to benchmark where I should have got to by this point, for submission next week, in the hope that it will help with WRS and Retcon Disfunction, and ease the way for the very patient reader into the second part of the story.

Thanks for reading!!

Best, Robinski

[Mandamon]

I sent some LBLs your way.

General thoughts on this one.
Yes, a lot more action, and the pacing was very good. Edge of the seat the whole time!

I have serious concerns about M's sanity, jumping out a window after she'd been shot, and then doing all this action. I would have thought she'd be hurting a lot more.

My suspension of disbelief is stretched with the police response. I can't believe they'd let Q get away, only to start chasing after he was safely away from them.

Q and Mor. is a big revelation, and you've buried the lede on page 13. We need to know their background a lot sooner so Q's desperation makes sense with regard to Mor.

 

10 hours ago, Robinski said:

Retcon Disfunction

There's a pill for that now...

[kais]

 

Overall

Good action and good tension! A lot of my issues come from WRS and the edits, I think, so generally I'll just say that I enjoyed this!

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

I would have thought she'd be hurting a lot more.

This also occurred to me

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

My suspension of disbelief is stretched with the police response. I can't believe they'd let Q get away, only to start chasing after he was safely away from them.

#iagreewithmandamon

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

We need to know their background a lot sooner so Q's desperation makes sense with regard to Mor.

Yes please!

 

As I go

- page five: I'm unsure what M is doing. Did she take the gun?

- page seven: I'm so unclear on why M is running. What is going on? This seems really illogical

- page 8: you've got a 'to' instead of 'too'

- LOL at the manual driving!

- page 10: why do they have to get eighty? Why is the android so important? Is this WRS?

- why did it take until page 11 for the immobilizer to work? Seems plot convenient

- page 13: I am so confused about Q's family situation

- why does Mor kill these women? Also unclear--missing villain motivations I think

- page 16: I do just love M and her quips about Q's clothes

- page 17: I appreciate Q's attempt to not gender the android!

 

[Asmodemon]

Nicely action packed. I just have a couple things that didn’t work so well for me.

 

Tranquilizer duration: The duration of the tranquilizer that Mor. used seems dramatically convenient, since it knocked them out instantly, but only long enough for Mor. to escape and the police to barge back into the room.

 

Stitched up: Q. thinks ‘yes; they were stitched up’. Maybe it’s weekly reader syndrome, but I have no idea what is meant by this. What is stitched up?

 

Window breaking: The future has weak windows if a thrown gun and/or a young girl can break it on impact.

 

Mor.’s Name: I noticed this at the end of the last chapter, wondering how Q. would know Mor’s name, thinking that maybe it wasn’t so much Q. who knew but that it was either a slip-up or a way to let the reader know it was Mor. But it would seem Q. has a history with Mor. Was that in the previous book? And apparently M. know’s Mor.’s name too.

The background that Q. and Mor. know each other should be there sooner I think, because the current flow of events is a little confusing.

 

Police response: #iagreewithmandamonandkais

 

Nitpicks:

• down a corridor in medical centre: Missing an ‘a’, should be ‘down a corridor in a medical centre’.
• He managed to get them the end of the alley: Missing a ‘to’, should be ‘He managed to get them to the end of the alley’

 

[Robinski]

On 18/04/2018 at 6:08 PM, Mandamon said:

I sent some LBLs your way. - Awesome. I look forward to looking at those.

Yes, a lot more action, and the pacing was very good. Edge of the seat the whole time! - Awesome. Mission accomplished (to some extent).

I have serious concerns about M's sanity, jumping out a window after she'd been shot, and then doing all this action. I would have thought she'd be hurting a lot more. - Good point, I will adjust some of that, even though we're not in her POV.

My suspension of disbelief is stretched with the police response. I can't believe they'd let Q get away, only to start chasing after he was safely away from them. - Okay, I'll work on that.

Q and Mor. is a big revelation, and you've buried the lede on page 13. We need to know their background a lot sooner so Q's desperation makes sense with regard to Mor. - I'll COW (can on worms) that given that I need to adjust that whole 'talking the case' thing anyway, of which M is part of Q's motivation.

There's a pill for that now... - ROFL  

 

[Robinski]

Thanks for the great comments @kais and @Asmodemon; I will come back to you on those ASAP. I am getting so behind on edits. Arrgghhh!!!

[Robinski]

Hey, thanks for reading, kais, and sorry I'm so slow this week,. Not even got up to this week's submission yet!

On 18/04/2018 at 7:15 PM, kais said:

Good action and good tension! A lot of my issues come from WRS and the edits, I think, so generally I'll just say that I enjoyed this!

Awesome. See, I do know what action is  

I've done some fixing on the M thing and her physical state.

As to Mor / Q background, I'm struggling with it a bit, as there isn't really a basis for M in his scenes to think about Q. So, I would need a basis for Q to think about M. Probably I can do that okay. I'll drop something in.

On 18/04/2018 at 7:15 PM, kais said:

- page five: I'm unsure what M is doing. Did she take the gun? - She did. I'll aim to clarify.

- page seven: I'm so unclear on why M is running. What is going on? This seems really illogical - She sees they've been framed and panics. Maybe not coming over.

- page 10: why do they have to get eighty? Why is the android so important? Is this WRS? - The droid is an asset. Q thinks of 80 as an 'it', but M thinks 'him'. Either way, droids are not omnipresent. They are expensive items. They could abandon 80 and hope he/it managed to find them, I suppose, but neither of them considers that an option. For M, it's no man left behind. For Q, he feels differently about droids since he's been in one. Maybe that doesn't come over.

- why did it take until page 11 for the immobilizer to work? Seems plot convenient - Yeah. I'll need to flag that. I'll make it about cops getting their car-mounted unit close enough. To begin with, K and B are on foot, so don't have a unit to stop the car.

- page 13: I am so confused about Q's family situation - Can I ask which aspect, or just all of it? I can fit a recap/clarification in, probably.

- why does Mor kill these women? Also unclear--missing villain motivations I think - I've tried to clarify. Obvs he failed to kill TT the first time, and so needs to finish the job. Maybe it didn't come across, but Mor was under the sheet in the other bed, and heard R's discussion with Q and M, so he knows TT is with R's wife somewhere in Yellowknife.

- page 17: I appreciate Q's attempt to not gender the android! - He tries, but see above.

Thank you so much for reading. Good points for me to work on there.

 

[Robinski]

Thanks so much for reading, and for commenting  

On 18/04/2018 at 8:12 PM, Asmodemon said:

Nicely action packed. - Awesome

Tranquilizer duration: The duration of the tranquilizer that Mor. used seems dramatically convenient, since it knocked them out instantly, but only long enough for Mor. to escape and the police to barge back into the room. - Yeah, I take your point. I think I'm going to have to rely on suspension of disbelief here. I'll let it play for now and see how it feels in the edit.

Stitched up: Q. thinks ‘yes; they were stitched up’. Maybe it’s weekly reader syndrome, but I have no idea what is meant by this. What is stitched up? - I'm hoping this is WRS, as you say. So, again, I'll go with it for now.

Window breaking: The future has weak windows if a thrown gun and/or a young girl can break it on impact. - Ha, yes, I might have to tweak that. I will consider.

Mor.’s Name: I noticed this at the end of the last chapter, wondering how Q. would know Mor’s name, thinking that maybe it wasn’t so much Q. who knew but that it was either a slip-up or a way to let the reader know it was Mor. But it would seem Q. has a history with Mor. Was that in the previous book? - No. - And apparently M. know’s Mor.’s name too. - I'm struggling with it a bit, as there isn't really a basis for M in his scenes to think about Q. So, I would need a basis for Q to think about M. Probably I can do that okay. I'll drop something in. 

Thanks for the typos, and everything else. Really appreciate those comments.