Fox - Chapter 6 - kais 04/16/18, 4680 words

[kais]

Please abbreviate all proper nouns.

Chapter five, with not much changed except M and S are now more antagonistic. Hopefully that works. My big concern is pacing, as always, and if S is still working as 17.

[Mandamon]

Huh--rather more notes than I was expecting this time. However, I think this does show S in a better light. S and M's reactions read more fluidly. Pacing is good, and I think the belligerence and independence work better with S as 17. Is M supposed to be the same age, or a few years older?

Notes while reading:
pg 6: "my voice wavered. Had M caught it? From the slight raise to her eyebrow, it seemed so."
--Had she caught the emotion? Doesn't seem a big thing to worry about, with the other pressing matters like S's mother missing. I'd be surprised if S didn't have any emotion about it.

pg 8: "There’s been a, distinct hemorrhage of grandmasters, as of late. They’re fleeing by the boatloads"
--This just occurred to me: wouldn't think make the unbound guilds more popular? Technology can replicate crafts like woodworking and textiles fairly easily, but not alchemy and witchcraft. I'd think people would start going toward those guilds as something that can't be copied.

pg 9: "Master level, I’d guess"
--so is the dual guilds theme still a thing? Because S could easily be a master woodcutter, be legitimate, and then also be in alchemy. Or is S just being stubborn about not being in the guild?

pg 10: "Seriously? I’d foiled a kidnapping attempt, and fended off a sentient tree, and she was worried about me leaving the capital?"
--much better on the competency, and proactivity scales!

pg 10 :"I’m not giving you a choice"
--except she sort of was, before...

pg 12: “There’s really no one else? No apprentices? Journeys?”
She shook her head, the end of her braids bobbing across her back. “You’re all that’s left.”
--ehh, not sure I believe they can't find an apprentice or two hiding somewhere, or maybe even a journey.

pg 13: "Mother’s house had blown up and yet I could feel the rough cedar walls closing in on me. Suffocating me. Crushing me."
--I think I figured out the problem I have with this: We know S doesn't like the woodcutters, but we don't know enough about why S doesn't like them yet to go along with S balking at saving a country just because S doesn't like them.

pg 13: "“Master R will wait for you to return,” she said, her voice soft. “I’ll ask him to. It’s just a little delay.”
--this is good. It sets up that S has a choice when coming back.

pg 14: "I don’t need protection,” I said, calmly"
--Nice. I like the stronger S.

pg 17: good ending line.

[Robinski]

Heya. LBLs on their way. Some 'highlights':

"as if half a decade didn’t separate us" - Err, really? As much as that? I didn't have that impression when they were playing as children. Would they have been as close as they were if one was, what, 9/10 and the other was 14/15?

"wasn't keen on displaying my own" - this is a monumental understatement.

"pushed her bowl away" - Were they really eating just plain rice, no protein, no flavour? That's really boring and unappetising. Missed opportunity to engage another sense, and for a little passing world-building.

"These fungi would have been enough to get me an apprenticeship..." - But they have succeeded in doing that, haven't they?

"There isn’t a single master or grandmaster left... other than you."- But S is nothing in the guild, never been a member, no tattoo. I don't buy this at all.

"I’ll have no country to rule over once the treaty talks commence" - I don't understand how the country gets gobbled up because of the guilds. Do they each have a land holding?

Wait, so is S actually an apprentice formally? There has been so much pushing against it since the start of the story, so much rejection of it in every way, that I've accepted that S has no part in the guild.

I enjoyed this, bet felt it was uneven in tone, and there were some consistency issues, I thought. Other LBLs in the file.

<R>

[kais]

Here we go. Playing catch up now that things are calm for a brief window.

On 4/17/2018 at 7:10 AM, Mandamon said:

Is M supposed to be the same age, or a few years older?

Roughly the same age. I think that's coming through okay?

On 4/17/2018 at 7:10 AM, Mandamon said:

This just occurred to me: wouldn't think make the unbound guilds more popular?

There has to be a novella in this, somewhere!

On 4/17/2018 at 7:10 AM, Mandamon said:

Or is S just being stubborn about not being in the guild?

Dual guilds still a thing. I was trying to S as being pretty myopic about guilds

On 4/17/2018 at 7:10 AM, Mandamon said:

except she sort of was, before...

good point. Will edit

On 4/17/2018 at 7:10 AM, Mandamon said:

-ehh, not sure I believe they can't find an apprentice or two hiding somewhere, or maybe even a journey.

I don't think the for-hires are looking all that hard, either.

On 4/17/2018 at 7:10 AM, Mandamon said:

I think I figured out the problem I have with this: We know S doesn't like the woodcutters, but we don't know enough about why S doesn't like them yet to go along with S balking at saving a country just because S doesn't like them.

Hmmmm. Will think on this one. How much are you willing to take on faith? I feel like we get a lot of history and explanation as the narrative goes on for this, but maybe readers need a stronger buy-in, earlier?

Thank you!

On 4/22/2018 at 4:30 AM, Robinski said:

Would they have been as close as they were if one was, what, 9/10 and the other was 14/15?

Bad wording. I meant they hadn't seen each other in a while. Will reword.

On 4/22/2018 at 4:30 AM, Robinski said:

But they have succeeded in doing that, haven't they?

Urp. Edited

On 4/22/2018 at 4:30 AM, Robinski said:

But S is nothing in the guild, never been a member, no tattoo. I don't buy this at all.

I'm trying to show that S has a lot of skill that S isn't willing to cop to, for fear of being made to stay in woodcutting. I'll think on a better way to get this across.

On 4/22/2018 at 4:30 AM, Robinski said:

I don't understand how the country gets gobbled up because of the guilds. Do they each have a land holding?

Is this clearer later in the story, or should I spend another line on it here?

On 4/22/2018 at 4:30 AM, Robinski said:

Wait, so is S actually an apprentice formally?

Well, only if S gets moms permission to work under R. 

Thank you for these edits and the LBLs!

[Robinski]

7 hours ago, kais said:

On 22/04/2018 at 0:30 PM, Robinski said:

I don't understand how the country gets gobbled up because of the guilds. Do they each have a land holding?

Is this clearer later in the story, or should I spend another line on it here?

I got it well enough before, in terms of a country being fragmented and becoming powerless due to the loss of guilds. My difficultly was with the concept that the country would cease to exist. So would neighbours claim the land, the towns and cities, the buildings? Maybe WRS now, but I'm not sure it was clarified later.

[Mandamon]

9 hours ago, kais said:

Hmmmm. Will think on this one. How much are you willing to take on faith? I feel like we get a lot of history and explanation as the narrative goes on for this, but maybe readers need a stronger buy-in, earlier?

I think, especially considering some of S's ignorance in later chapters, we need a solid buy-in early on showing S's ignorance of guilds, or a good reason why she's out of touch.

[kais]

On 5/16/2018 at 3:01 AM, Robinski said:

So would neighbours claim the land, the towns and cities, the buildings?

I'll reread the early stuff and see if I can put a bit more in about it.

On 5/16/2018 at 5:30 AM, Mandamon said:

or a good reason why she's out of touch.

Turns out that two short, clarifying sentences, one in chapter one, and one in chapter two, I think take care of this!