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Mandamon

20180416 - Journey to the Top of the Nether - Part 3 - 5100 words - Mandamon

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Hello folks,

Here's part 3:
This cuts off in the middle of a section, but I chose to cut there so the next submission wouldn't be overly long.

Previously, the group rode in the balloon until their fuel ran out, and then anchored the beetle to the wall. Now they get to start the real climb...

Still mainly concerned with character voice and whether you think this will engage younger readers. Let me know anything that comes to mind!

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Overall: I enjoyed this section, although the climbing seemed to last a little long. Things really picked up after the beetle stalled, however, and it felt like the story returned to its main plot. I would recommend maybe condensing some of the climb to get to the conflict of the stalled drill more quickly. As interesting as climbing a strange wall is, the attention span of young readers can be pretty short.

pg 2 "It was beautiful, but also terrifying. I'm glad I'm not afraid of heights." If she's not afraid of heights, would she describe it as terrifying?

pg 3 "...scattering wisps of water vapor like a pen through a wad of cotton." Very nice imagery, simple but effective. The whole paragraph of description here was great. 

pg 10 "We found the crystal beetle drill stalled the next morning." I didn't realize how interested I was in seeing them reach the top of the wall until the beetle stalled. Now my interest is peaked and there's some conflict to keep me reading.

I don't have anything to offer on the actual mechanics of climbing the wall itself, as I've never done climbing before. Nothing jumped out at me as being super impossible, however, but then again I've always been able to thoroughly suspend my sense of disbelief when it comes to these types of stories.

 

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1 hour ago, Truthweaver said:

If she's not afraid of heights, would she describe it as terrifying?

Yeah--still not sure about this line. I wanted to show that the whole thing is intimidating, but she's up for it.

 

1 hour ago, Truthweaver said:

I didn't realize how interested I was in seeing them reach the top of the wall until the beetle stalled. Now my interest is peaked and there's some conflict to keep me reading.

 

1 hour ago, Truthweaver said:

I enjoyed this section, although the climbing seemed to last a little long.

Awesome. This is what I was hoping for. I can focus on trimming down the previous section, to get to this point quicker.

 

1 hour ago, Truthweaver said:

I don't have anything to offer on the actual mechanics of climbing the wall itself, as I've never done climbing before. Nothing jumped out at me as being super impossible

We'll see how much Robinski disagrees... ;-)

I've done some rock climbing myself and did a fair bit of research on cliff climbing, so we'll see if it hold up to everyone else reading...

 

Thanks @Truthweaver!

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