Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Robinski

Robinski - 180411 - TCC Chapter 07 - 4541 words (LV)

5 posts in this topic

Felicitations fellow excusers.

You have seen part of this chapter before, but not the other part, because I did something that probably you've been screaming at me to do for ages, take two chapters and squish them together into one chapter. Anyway, hopefully this has some action and impetus. I'll apologies in advance for any continuity stuff, as I am sort of making changes as a I go, but might be lagging behind on working some through.

Brickbats and exultations accepted with equal delight!

Best, Robinski

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I sent LBLs back separately. 

General thoughts:

--The flow is better, and the tension keeps up for the whole chapter. This is a lot easier to read than separate chapters.

--Q is not working for R's wife? Doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe just say he's curious about the case?

--Are Q and M arrested or not? If they police can't hold them, then they don't have any leverage. Q and M both threaten to walk out, but it never happens. I want more clarity on this.

--Moth trying to strip for the police officer is still awkward and weird. Like he says it's being recorded, so Moth can't really act on anything.

--Where did the fire alarm come from? Either Q&M started it, which isn't shown, or they should be showing  more surprise at what happens.
 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not late! I'm.... behind. Sure. That's what I am. I blame Wizard World and the mechanical shark I certainly did not ride. Nope.

Overall

Much better! Good pacing, good action, and solid arc. Some quibbles below but otherwise I loved it!

On 4/12/2018 at 9:11 AM, Mandamon said:

Are Q and M arrested or not? If they police can't hold them, then they don't have any leverage. Q and M both threaten to walk out, but it never happens. I want more clarity on this.

I had the same issue

On 4/12/2018 at 9:11 AM, Mandamon said:

Where did the fire alarm come from?

Also my question,

 

As I go

- I'm with M on this one. I don't understand Q's motivations for taking the case at all, and I think some internal dialogue from him would help that a lot. Also chafing from the 'lady' comment. Get him, M!

- would love a bit more waxing from Q about his feelings on muscle-bound men

- page 4: I'm confused. Earlier it sounded like he was riling M up on purpose, but now here it looks like more reaction? 

- the paragraph where Q talks about red-blooded women would be a good time to stick in something about red-blooded men, too, to keep him on brand

- page 6: I'm surprised M doesn't think something more like 'he was straight until the first bit of skirt or firm backside walked by,' since she is always calling him on his closeted love of men

- yeah okay, the M scene with the 'stripping' is much more teenage rebellion now. It makes me uncomfortable, but I can remember friends who would do that at that age so... probably appropriate. Also, she has Q as a role model so...

- page ten: why is M cuffed? They haven't been charged with anything and that's a BIG no in Canada. If laws have changed it might be worth it to note that

- dialogue is flowing a lot better than last time!

- LOL @ maternity surplus

- the plot has better form in this version, too!

- good arc!

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/04/2018 at 5:11 PM, Mandamon said:

I sent LBLs back separately. 

General thoughts:

--The flow is better, and the tension keeps up for the whole chapter. This is a lot easier to read than separate chapters.

--Q is not working for R's wife? Doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe just say he's curious about the case?

--Are Q and M arrested or not? If they police can't hold them, then they don't have any leverage. Q and M both threaten to walk out, but it never happens. I want more clarity on this.

--Moth trying to strip for the police officer is still awkward and weird. Like he says it's being recorded, so Moth can't really act on anything.

--Where did the fire alarm come from? Either Q&M started it, which isn't shown, or they should be showing  more surprise at what happens.
 

Brilliant comments, thank you so much. I emailed a response for some reason ( :huh: ), but here it is again:

 

I'm sure there is WRS aplenty by now, since I've gone back twice and revised things. There is also some retconning, which does not help with things like R's widow. They do know now that he's married.

Like the comment about ladies vs people in relation to musclebound - changed.

You're absolutely right about the whole contract thing, of course. It's a royal mess by now, and I will need to sort it all out from the start.

On the arrested thing, I would say 'assisting the sheriff with his inquiries'. Good call on this being unclear.

Interesting on the growing a 5 year-old being old news, I wasn't sure whether that had stuck from before. Certainly, I can replace the line with something that adds to the background. I'll do that. Good call. Just got some nice character motivation in there.

Good call on the 'straight as a die' line, which I hadn't intended to apply to sexuality, but clearly it's the only way to read it.

I know what you mean about M's scene. I'll see how other reactions go, but I can't stand behind the logic unreservedly.

Modified Q's ickiness over the phone implant.

K firing the gun 20 times a year: I hope it's not a thing!!! Maybe at the range, training requirement or some such.

'haul his junior up' - for parking in the disabled bay. Clarified.

'catching up on the rails' - horse racing expression.

I've adjusted the fire alarm with some dialogue from Q & M which somewhat foreshadows something in the next chapter.

Great comments. Thank you so much, I got some really nice fixes and additional detail from those, Perfect :D 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey thanks so much for the comments, K. Not late at all, I didn't sub till Wednesday!!

12 hours ago, kais said:

- would love a bit more waxing from Q about his feelings on muscle-bound men

Done. No wax involved however :lol: 

12 hours ago, kais said:

- page 6: I'm surprised M doesn't think something more like 'he was straight until the first bit of skirt or firm backside walked by,' since she is always calling him on his closeted love of men

Hmm, good thought. I considered using the word 'trim', but then learned it means something else now.

12 hours ago, kais said:

- yeah okay, the M scene with the 'stripping' is much more teenage rebellion now. It makes me uncomfortable, but I can remember friends who would do that at that age so... probably appropriate. Also, she has Q as a role model so...

Ha, I think we're all a bit unsure about this, me included, but I'll keep it just now, and I... can't... stop... laughing at your... last thought there :lol: 

12 hours ago, kais said:

- page ten: why is M cuffed? They haven't been charged with anything and that's a BIG no in Canada. If laws have changed it might be worth it to note that

Good point. I've tried to tidy this up into a sort of 'held for questioning' thing, and I've added some motivation around the cuffs which helps, I think. Good call.

Thanks again :D 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.