kais

Fox - Chapter 3 + Interlude I - kais 03/26/18, 3511 words

6 posts in this topic

Chapter three, which has had like half of it cut out since the last time I subbed it through here. Biggest issues will be if I managed to get all the relevant worldbuilding back in after cutting the boat ride. Other concerns remain: is S still acting in line with 17, and is the pacing consistent/working?

I considered giving it an ‘A’ for angst, but really, that’s just a theme throughout so…buckle up! 

 

Please abbreviate all proper nouns. :)

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Didn't have a whole lot of notes for this. It was a solid read.

To your questions:

Worldbuilding: The beginning of this is much better without the boat ride--getting right into the city, as well as the hints about industrialization. I didn't feel any worldbuilding was lacking, and I think there were actually more hints about the new machines driving guilds out of jobs.

Protag Age: I'm thinking 17 is a much better age for this character. You get to angst it up, which then allows more description on how S reacts to others calling S a female, which helps bring the reader into the story. I didn't see any place where S acted too old. S is thinking a lot about mothers, and friends, and is looking to Mother to get back control of the guild.

Pacing: I the pacing here is a lot better. I remember the boat ride as taking a long time, so cutting it helps S get to the woodcutter's guild a lot faster.

 

General notes:
pg 6: better hints on the gentleman. It makes it easier for everyone to get the picture.

The interlude at the end of this fits a lot better than the last time I read, and helps with the worldbuilding as well.

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God I took way to long to get around to this. 

So very sorry. 

I’m going to put this disclaimer on every time I make comments on this work; I have issues with the subject matter and it clouds my ability give good commentary. Sorry. 

This character, in my personal opinion only, has great motivations but I don’t know why they’re motivated to do these things. What’s driving S? Is it wanting to be accepted, or using alchemy to get a sex change, or what?

There are lots of political stuffs happening. I’m completely out of the loop, the character is in the loop, and this is a POV narrative. I need to know what the character knows, most of the time. 

Is the interlude foreshadowing M also being trans, and if so you’ll have to explain why so many people in this world are trans, given that three of eight characters so far are. 

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Now that the boat ride is gone, I think I'd like a little description of the canoe. Not much of one, this is a much better chapter without the long ride, but a bit of an idea about the boats would probably help. or, maybe that's just because we spent so long defining it before. ;) 

I like the fruit vendor interaction better than the boat one, but S leaves it abruptly, and the tag-less dialogue at the beginning had me a bit confused.  S just gets distracted, starts going on about other vendors when we've seen none, walks away and, while that's probably realistic, it's not particularly good for the narrative, I feel.  S so far has been serious and reasonably focused, and this just seems flighty and shallow, out of character.  Also S might need a more direct or obvious mis-gendering to run from, because this looks to me like panicking at having a regular conversation and not panicking from gender-related anxiety.

While not as bad as last chapter, the logic skips around a bit, and I think that might be due to the edits you've done to streamline things. It's much better this way, don't get me wrong! S is much better 17 than 25 or whatever. Much, much better.  But I think it needs a pass to sand down the edges between where cuts were made, to make everything a bit smoother. 

Interlude is still interlude-y. There're a couple line-level logic inconsistencies, but otherwise it's okay.  

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Posted (edited)

I’ve sent LBLs. I enjoyed this chapter and the way it got into the city much more quickly. The boat ride in the previous version was good, atmospheric and presented an interesting scene with the helmsperson/pilot(?), but it is not particularly missed, and the plot certainly moves forward more quickly.

Otherwise no complaints, and really happy to be reading this story again. It flows really well, holds the attention effectively and draws the reader on. Nice work :)

<R>

 

Edit: I think maybe there was more world building in the boat scene, which was a good place for it, but I still don't believe it's missed.

Edited by Robinski
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On 3/26/2018 at 11:04 AM, Mandamon said:

The interlude at the end of this fits a lot better than the last time I read, and helps with the worldbuilding as well

I'm really glad the rewrite worked, even though once again I've changed it. Thank you for the feedback!

On 3/29/2018 at 10:52 AM, mrwizard70 said:

So very sorry. 

No worries! I get delayed a lot during the week, too.

On 3/29/2018 at 10:52 AM, mrwizard70 said:

I have issues with the subject matter and it clouds my ability give good commentary. Sorry. 

Don't apologize. We can't like everything we read, and all opinions are useful in the critique process. Carry on!

On 3/29/2018 at 10:52 AM, mrwizard70 said:

What’s driving S? Is it wanting to be accepted, or using alchemy to get a sex change, or what?

From comments below, this appears to be a recurrent issue that I have now dealt with by changing up the end to chapter one to give much firmer motivations.

On 3/29/2018 at 10:52 AM, mrwizard70 said:

Is the interlude foreshadowing M also being trans, and if so you’ll have to explain why so many people in this world are trans, given that three of eight characters so far are. 

Aside from the side character in the market (who is just there to deliver info), only S is trans, and S is trans nonbinary, which is sort of the deliverable of the story. M is just a straight up lesbian. 

Thank you for the feedback!

On 3/29/2018 at 1:54 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I think I'd like a little description of the canoe

That can certainly be accomplished.

On 3/29/2018 at 1:54 PM, industrialistDragon said:

tag-less dialogue

Fair. Easy fix.

On 3/29/2018 at 1:54 PM, industrialistDragon said:

because this looks to me like panicking at having a regular conversation and not panicking from gender-related anxiety.

Argh, okay. Will try to be more clear.

On 3/29/2018 at 1:54 PM, industrialistDragon said:

But I think it needs a pass to sand down the edges between where cuts were made, to make everything a bit smoother. 

And I've just hacked it up again, so hopefully it didn't get much rougher. Thank you for the comments!

On 4/1/2018 at 1:22 AM, Robinski said:

I think maybe there was more world building in the boat scene, which was a good place for it, but I still don't believe it's missed.

I was worried about the loss of worldbuilding, but I think I got it in the newest rewrite. Thank you for the LBLs! They were very helpful, as always.

Sorry for being so late on response, everyone! Life and such. Ugh.

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