Rogueshar Posted March 19, 2018 Report Share Posted March 19, 2018 (edited) Midterms are done so I'm back. I included a bit of part one for context since its been a month since I submitted. No warnings here. If you could, could you please focus a bit on substance and not so much on grammar, I'm in some of my first drafts so I haven't really focused on grammar mistakes. Thanks for reading. Edited March 19, 2018 by Rogueshar 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted March 19, 2018 Report Share Posted March 19, 2018 Glad midterms are done! Welcome back! Overall Is this the middle section of a chapter, or the end? If it's the end, it doesn't feel like the end of a short arc. I'd suggest a better ending line or sequence. Generally though, the narrative had a lot of tell and not show, and also tell and then show. I don't have any issues with the story line itself, more the delivery of said story. I think that will come along though, with editing and patience. The bones are good, but the fillers need some work. As I go - page two: right now, I feel like I'm being told a lot of things, and not shown much at all - page four: if she can speak to animals, why not just have the horses throw the riders and trample them?? - page five: also, why doesn't she command the horses to not run? - page five: I don't understand the horse being too loyal to listen. I need more on horses, or how these horses interact with their riders, or the riders' control of the horses, to buy this. Right now it seems plot convenient. Magic systems work best with rules, and it's worth it to explain them at the start to avoid reader confusion - page five: also don't understand the not eating meat parallel to eating a servant. Dogs can communicate, and plenty of cultures eat them. Fungi can communicate, and most cultures eat them. I'm unsure what communication ability has to do with dinner - page 7: the backstory comes off really info dumpy. It might be worth investigating other ways to deliver that information, such as slowly through piecemeal dialogue, through chapter kickers, interludes, etc - chapter doesn't feel like it has an ending 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogueshar Posted March 20, 2018 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 It is the end of the chapter. I'm not happy about the info dumping either, originally the backhalf (entering the forest and after) were going to be chapter three and it was going to be explained throughout the third chapter but I had a hard time writing a whole chapter of them traveling through the forest. I wasn't happy with anything I was writing so I scrapped it and pushed it onto the back half of chapter two. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 20, 2018 Report Share Posted March 20, 2018 Generally agree with @kais (no surprise there). I also felt like this was a lot of tell, and little show. However, this is a lot more exciting than the first couple of chapters. You could probably cut those down to a couple pages and have this as the end of the first chapter. 12 hours ago, Rogueshar said: I had a hard time writing a whole chapter of them traveling through the forest If you're bored with something you're writing, or it's not working, then it's probably not needed! I think writing the forest scenes will slow everything back down. I was actually kind of surprised and pleased when I realized you had jumped from them kidnapping her to bedding down for the night. If there's nothing interesting that happens, you don't need to write about it. This has the start of a good story. Now you've introduced the bloodlines, the prince, and A's ability, I'm much more invested in the story. Notes while reading: pg 1: There's a lot of discussion of exact skin color. You could probably simplify this down to a few descriptors. pg 3: This is still text from last time, right? pg 3: ah, ok. She can speak to animals. I was wondering what that thing with the horse was. By the way, this section should be the start of the book, or very near to it. pg 5: "J's not my servant, he’s like my brother and he happens to be a lord.” --ah, I thought A was referring to the horse... pg 6/7: infodump here. This could be conveyed a lot more smoothly. pg 8: There are a lot of missing commmas in here... pg 9: "does not have the ability to turn into humans" --humans, plural? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted March 23, 2018 Report Share Posted March 23, 2018 There is, very suddenly, a lot going on in this section! I would really have loved to have all of this information -- the powers, the prince (and why he's "murderous"), the dragons, all of it -- much earlier in the story. Right now, it's interesting, but I feel like I've been cold-cocked with an entirely different story than the one I had been reading up until this submission. I like this story better than the previous one, but I'm still suffering from quite a bit of whiplash. Mostly, I am just left with an incredible number of questions: Why does A suddenly have magic powers? Why does A have to keep her powers secret? If this is such a small town that 2 weird looking guys will be talked about for generations, how are the townsfolk not, like, watching their every move? How can A (or A's parents) not know they were coming to see her? How do these two people know she has powers? Shouldn't a real wall-of-fire be causing real grass fires? Why isn't everything in ashes around her after that display? Where are her parents? Shouldn't they notice giant walls of flames, even if they miss the screaming? Isn't A a minor, or at least, barely and adult? Why is she being kidnapped by people we're supposed to care about? When was she talking to the horse? How can a horse be "too loyal?" Why is a prince of the realm out on his own with only one bodyguard? Why is a prince of the realm called "murderous" by one of his subjects? Why is a price of the realm, who can be identified by his magic, using his magic so flagrantly? Why is a fire-mage igniting grass in a forest without taking any kind of precautions? Shouldn't he know that that's like a massive forest fire risk? How have things gotten so dire that a prince of the realm has to kidnap an innocent girl to talk to a figure from folktales, one they're mostly-certain doesn't exist? Why have things gotten so dire, and yet apparently A has no knowledge of any of it? Wait, they're the enemy? How did no one know this? But then why is the prince "rebellious?" Is this a civil war? What is going on? Why aren't they in disguises? Why, if this is an infiltration, are the two men behaving in a way that is sure to make them noticed? By kidnapping a girl and throwing around magic willy-nilly, they've basically guaranteed the entire town will comes after them, it seems like. Moreover, if their looks are so distinctive, how did no one in the town notice that they resembled the town's enemies? Shouldn't that make the town suspicious? Even without imaging media, descriptions get around, and I'd expect the townsfolk to at least know the general "look" of their enemies, if nothing specific enough to ID the prince as the prince. ... I would have a better grasp of things that are happening right now, if the previous two chapters had worked in some of these concepts straight from the beginning. Some of these questions are answered in the later half of the submission, however I feel like they are mostly just stated as facts and not incorporated into the story. This has the makings of an interesting story, but getting hit with what feels like 3 chapters' worth of plot points in under six pages of text has left me dizzy and out of sorts. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogueshar Posted March 24, 2018 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2018 Okay let me see if I can answer some of the questions, others will likely get cleared in later chapters. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Why does A suddenly have magic powers? She never suddenly had magic powers she's been talking to the animals and they've been communicating back for the first two chapters. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Why does A have to keep her powers secret? You're right I haven't explained that one well enough. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: If this is such a small town that 2 weird looking guys will be talked about for generations, how are the townsfolk not, like, watching their every move? How can A (or A's parents) not know they were coming to see her? Maybe the talking about them for generations is a bit of an exageration. She knew that they were interested in her family that was in the part one part of chapter two. At that time she assumed it was about her brother who is fighting. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: How do these two people know she has powers? Yeah I didn't explain that well enough either. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Shouldn't a real wall-of-fire be causing real grass fires? Why isn't everything in ashes That's something that will be explained later. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Where are her parents? Shouldn't they notice giant walls of flames, even if they miss the screaming? Her mother did notice, she came out of the house as they were talking Arwenna away. Her father is on the other end of the farm. Its a large farm like acres and acres big. He doesn't know. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Isn't A a minor, or at least, barely and adult? Why is she being kidnapped by people we're supposed to care about? Arwenna is an adult. She is 18 and I'm not sure if the rest of your question asking me why she is being kidnapped, which was explained, or why we should care about J and D which you're not right now the reader doesn't know them. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: When was she talking to the horse? On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: How can a horse be "too loyal?" She spoke to the horse when she was demonstrating one of her powers. She also then tried to influence the horse during the time jump which failed. She can't control animals, just try to influence what they will do, the more an animal likes her or trusts her the more she is able to influence them. So D's horse, and J's horse as well as the horse she is riding don't trust her, they know J and D, J and D have been riding them for years. Therefore she is not able to influence them because they are loyal to J and D. I will attempt to explain this better in the next draft. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Why is a prince of the realm out on his own with only one bodyguard? This will be explained later. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Why is a prince of the realm called "murderous" by one of his subjects? A thinks he is murderous because he started the rebellion. She gets angry at him in the first chapter when her parents are discussing whether or not her brother is alive. She doesn't know his name so she just refers to him as the prince. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Why is a price of the realm, who can be identified by his magic, using his magic so flagrantly? Because that's his personality. D is a bit of the act first think later, rushing in, kind of person. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Why is a fire-mage igniting grass in a forest without taking any kind of precautions? Shouldn't he know that that's like a massive forest fire risk? Will be explained later. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: How have things gotten so dire that a prince of the realm has to kidnap an innocent girl to talk to a figure from folktales, one they're mostly-certain doesn't exist? The Great Dragon is real, D and J know he is real, dragons are not folklore. The purple dragon is the only one who is considered folklore, not because she is a dragon, but because of the fact of whether she's settled in the area or not. But dragons aren't folklore in this world, and the Great Dragon is not what's being referenced when D's says a "fool's errand." I will try to explain that dragons are not folklore better in future drafts. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Why have things gotten so dire, and yet apparently A has no knowledge of any of it? Wait, they're the enemy? How did no one know this? The Vale is very isolated, they likely wouldn't even know there was a war had the king's soldiers not come recruiting six months ago. I attempted to portray this in my descriptions of the Vale, but I will make sure that is conveyed better as well. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: But then why is the prince "rebellious?" Is this a civil war? What is going on? I talked about this as well in chapter one, the prince is in rebellion against the king- A assumes it is because he does not want to wait until 21 to assume the throne. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Why aren't they in disguises? They didn't need them, no one in the Vale knows what D looks like on sight- again very isolated. There is one person in the area who might have been able to recognize them, they did not see them nor would D or J know that they could recognize them. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Why, if this is an infiltration, are the two men behaving in a way that is sure to make them noticed? By kidnapping a girl and throwing around magic willy-nilly, they've basically guaranteed the entire town will comes after them, it seems like. There original plan hadn't exactly been to kidnap A- they wanted her to come of her own free will. She refused and so D got impatient and just grabbed her. On 3/22/2018 at 10:08 PM, industrialistDragon said: Moreover, if their looks are so distinctive, how did no one in the town notice that they resembled the town's enemies? Shouldn't that make the town suspicious? The Vale is isolated, they might know that the prince has red hair they might not. To most people the war isn't anything of their business its an Outsider thing and they want no part in it. I hope I was able to clear some things up. This was a great help in realizing what I need to explain better. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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