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TCS - Chapter 'Mercy', part I (resubmit) - kais 02/05/18 3430 words (L)


kais

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This is now the very beginning of the book, so it's 100% cold open. For new readers, I would really love for you to point out everything that is weird or you don't get or where you want more description. Rip it to shreds. For the more familiar readers, I'd love feedback on whether A) Y's motivations are clear and B.) whether the through line to the books is clear.

Thank you all! Tear apart at will

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I think this works better as a cold open than N, simply because we get the familiar setting. It can seed the Ris and others so that going into N's story is easier.

More polished than last time, and I had few problems, save that I'm still not sure on why everyone on Earth is suddenly peaceful. I get if they say they are, but it seems like humans are actually acting peacefully. I want to see a consequence when someone tries to toe the line (which I'm sure many do).

the conversation with captain Neg read smoother to me as well, though I have no idea what changed. I think you've justified Y's jaded-ness better.

So yes, motivations are clear to me. The through line to the books was clear last time, but I like how this shows how crappy the ship was, even better than the books.


Just a couple notes:
pg 3: "Away from the politics and the false smiles and the lovey-dovey crap everyone spewed now..."
--This is better, but Y still just says he doesn't believe they can change. Why does he believe the smiles are false? There's still no evidence that this worked in changing humans.

pg 4: "It got put on before the final peace treaty was signed"
--repetition here

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I agree with Mandamon, this reads a lot smoother than the previous iteration, though the big questions still remain, which I hope will get answered eventually.

 

Shoes: Question number one, no more shoes. Now, it is never specified whether that means everyone goes around barefoot, or if they wear socks instead, or if there’s something else that they wear on their feet as a sort of shoe replacement. From this chapter, with the glass shards, I’m thinking Y. is going around barefoot. And this doesn’t really make sense to me, since present day Earth is not really fit for walking around barefoot, at all. Fashionable or not, people who work certain jobs need footwear to protect their feet, and presently that should include Y. So why he’s not wearing shoes and why no one is wearing shoes is really confusing.

 

Peace: The whole sudden peace thing after the aliens showed up is weird as well, though I can see that there might be more peace on the planet when confronted with an advanced alien presence suddenly in our solar system. There’d be more peace, but not complete peace, since terrorist organizations would probably still keep going. That’s not the impression I’m getting, since it seems the whole planet is suddenly peaceful. Apparently black-market deals are still going on, and Y. can still basically commit a crime, so basic human nature appears to be intact. I’m thinking the R. are using the A. in some kind of telepathic mind control or something, to dampen violent, but not immoral tendencies. Looking forward to finding out whether that’s actually the case.

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I'm unfamiliar with previous iterations but I did enjoy what I read. Y as a character is intriguing if frustrating at times with his lack of interest in the state of the world beyond how it frustrates him. The world, as well, is very interesting and I reached the end of this wanting to know more about just about every element that was introduced. Overall, I liked what I read and outside of a few exceptions (mentioned below) I was able to understand what was going on character and setting-wise.

 

As always, my page-by-page thoughts:

 

Page 1:

-A minor nitpick, but dropping a character's full name when it isn't a big reveal or something similar in narration always sticks out to me.

-The "Didn't matter" tirade feels awkward in the middle of a paragraph, I feel like it might need to be separated from Y's musings on the size of Reagan-era Russians.


Page 2:

-I really have no idea how old Y is supposed to be now. His comments seem to point to him being an adult in the '90s but at the start you mention him being born in 1985.


Page 3:

-Y's bitterness, while not exactly something I'd enjoy in a person, is drawing me in deeper to this world that has made him this way. I want to know just what happened to this guy.


Page 5:

-"I'm just [an] upstart Terran"


Page 6:

-The few hints of Cellulose tech are intriguing and I definitely want more.


Page 7:

-I wish we got a few more details about the actual physical space of the ship, but I understand that might bog things down.

-I don't understand why the screens are shattering in this way, and seems like it should be avoidable after the first mishap.

Page 8:
-If he isn't wearing shoes what is he wearing? Is he wearing some sort of techno-sock or just some sort of plastic sleeve? I can't imagine everyone on Earth just giving up on foot protection and sanitation entirely.


Page 11:

-The interview sequence is a lot of fun but also makes me frustrated with Y for not being more interested in the other party.

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Very interested to have another look at this :) 

  • “since it’s its initial flight” – typo.
  • “he hoped was an endearing show” – it’s not exactly Disney on Ice. Sounds more like a gesture to me.
  • “at the rank smell of rank old oil and deteriorating plastic” – I think I mentioned this last time(?). It’s the smell that’s rank, not the oil, surely. However, I appreciate its scans better with an adjective before ‘oil’.
  • “There was just old death” – I thought at first this meant Death the person, but that would be capitalised, obviously, so, I'm not sure what this means. Is it like good old reliable death? I don’t really get the sense of it.
  • “memories of the high price of meat” – the price being ‘high’ doesn’t seem to warrant the strength of feeling here. I’m thinking that ‘exorbitant’ (for example) would better match the strength of Y’s reaction.
  • “never getting into a condo because the lottery was never in their favor” – as a European, the term ‘condo’ has never really scanned for me. I’m sure that, in Poland in the 80s/90s (Y’s youth), they didn’t call them condos. Probably still don’t. I think a word like ‘apartment’ is much more universal. But isn’t it more than that? Isn’t about them getting a shitty state-built and managed dwelling? Verging on a slum?
  • What does having kids have to do with buying toilet paper? Is the inference that he himself never used the stuff, but if he had kids he would need to start?!
  • “Off of Earth, out of his solar system” – the day I stop calling this one is the day I’ve lost my sight. I challenge you to find a (not self-) published work that has this horrible-sounding phrase in it.
  • “now instead of the thinly veiled racist ideology”
  • “didn’t believe either of those came without a price, either” – is this a stress at the end, or a typo repetition. If it’s repetition for stress, I would suggest ‘either of them’ at the end; repeating the whole phrase.
  • “other than the peace-toting Rs that came knocking at our solar door twelve years ago” – Major, major, maid-and-butler.
  • “pay a guy to redo the wiring” – suggestion for clarity.
  • “Apparently humans didn’t want to give up their guns when the peace treaty was signed.” – You do watch Downton Abbey, don’t you?
  • “rip rusting metal” – this is maybe one for the Mech. Eng. Department  (that’s you, @Mandamon!!), but those panels ain’t going to be rusty, surely? Would they even be corroded at all? What are shuttles made of? Admittedly, Russian ones might be different, but I'm willing to bet there is very little iron on a reusable space vehicle.
  • “your enunciation range” – enunciation have a range? In any case, I'm not sure that’s the right word. Isn’t it pronunciation? I would say enunciation is about clarity of speech, whereas pronunciation is about speaking the sounds properly.
  • shores of the Madre De Dios river decayed” – aren’t they banks? And aren’t they eroded?
  • “The trees could figure out how to take care of themselves.” – Now then. You remember how offended and disappointed I was by Y’s attitude before. You’ve fixed it just fine. I love this line. It’s no less mercenary, but somehow it’s less heartless, and you sort of explain how at least he’s saving the trees from a useless fate. He’s practically re-using!
  • “the newly remodeled cargo hold” – the wood is already in the shuttle?
  • “doesn’t even look drivable from the outside, much less flyable” – this phrasing makes ‘flyable’ sound like the extreme of the range of the shuttles abilities, but surely it’s designed to fly, but not to be driven. So, in fact, driving would be at the extreme? Can a shuttle even drive (i.e. taxi) at all, or does it get towed everywhere?
  • “Hauling cedar isn’t illegal, even in Peru” – confused, maybe. I thought there was talk of smuggling earlier. So, is it because he’s stolen the cedar, or is it only stealing the shuttle that’s illegal?
  • “black market scents trade” – but hauling cedar’s not illegal, so it’s what you do with it that might be?
  • “R’s were an unknown commodity” – ‘quantity’, it’s the cedar that is the commodity.
  • “He’d replaced the main throttle lever with a yoke—a black one from some old video gaming system, but it’d fit” – think this should be ‘it fit’, personally, because I read it as ‘it would’. There’s no way to tell that from ‘it had’. I feel like most people would read it as ‘it had’, but I may be wrong, of course.
  • “in theory, the Buran would fly” – if ‘all’ he’s doing is changing the control system, would the Buran not have flown before, but it was only that no one knew how to fly it, or were there other things that he replaced preventing it from flying?
  • suppose supposed to break everything”
  • So, how to deal with his power problem?” – comma. Also, I thought it was the broken screens that he needed to deal with?
  • “wander around a scrap yard a few countries over” – surely, every country has at least one scrapyard? Or is this special space debris that is only found in Russia? I.e. parts for a Buran? If so, surely he would just say ‘Russia’, instead of failing to name the country, which feels wrong.
  • “There was probably something toxic in the dust and shards at his feet, so maybe he could keep her out that way. Say something just disintegrated or exploded. Really, it was a miracle the ceiling hadn’t fallen in on him yet.” – I don’t think you need to say this, because you’re explaining something that did actually just happen.
  • “be mad and throw things and have him arrested, but wouldn’t, because of R peace” – Eh? But people still get arrest, surely?! There’s no way that no one breaks the law. That’s different from peace.
  • “leaving only the question of how to get the hunk of metal off Earth” – Confused, what happened to the power problem?
  • “To me, YJ, this time of directed internship and globalization, if you will, of the System’s young people has only the noblest of intentions” – I got (sub-)clause-trophobia reading this sentence :lol: 
  • …also, I'd like to know straight away that it’s Y speaking in this new section, because my expectation is that he won’t leave the Buran until it’s done, so—clearly—there’s no way this can be Y. Oh, it is. Oh, he’s in the shuttle, “smacked the metal wall of the shuttle”, or is he on the inside? Disoriented by lack of blocking of new scene.
  • “he was on a solid footing” – or, ‘solid ground’?
  • “His Risalian interviewer, it seemed, missed the joke.” – But they did miss the joke, it’s completely clear.
  • “Risalian tech installed no problem” – suggest for clarity.
  • “if she got upset about the different planetary systems origins” – suggestion: because ‘planetary systems’ isn’t clearly a reference to the equipment, I think.
  • “not showing up for a meeting” – But, isn’t the R coming to him, like to meet at the museum?
  • “some form of red meat that wasn’t still walking around, he’d be happy.” – Sorry, it’s crossing the line of critique, I know, but this popped into my head and I thought it might tickle your funny bone.

I thought this hung together much better than the first time. I enjoyed it more, mostly from the much greater clarity, imo. Doesn’t stop me commenting, of course!!

Nice work :) 

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On 2/6/2018 at 8:06 AM, Mandamon said:

I want to see a consequence when someone tries to toe the line (which I'm sure many do).

So, how irritating is this? I was trying to set up the frustrating nature of sudden peace, which gets then dealt with more in the first book of the series. Will it be off-putting if this book never really deals with the peace issue? Although I suppose I could make it the story arc of the 'one year later' novella at the end. Would that work do you think?

On 2/6/2018 at 8:06 AM, Mandamon said:

There's still no evidence that this worked in changing humans.

I'm at a complete loss here, on how to deal with this. I could add a segment where he interacts with someone and they are just very polite when Y is threatening violence, but I fear that would bog down the short. I was hoping to showcase the galactic peace idea more in N's shorts, but maybe that's too late? I don't know. I have to stew on this for a bit.

On 2/6/2018 at 8:06 AM, Mandamon said:

repetition here

check! Thank you for the feedback!

 

On 2/6/2018 at 0:40 PM, Asmodemon said:

which I hope will get answered eventually.

But you're okay waiting a bit for that answer, yes?

On 2/6/2018 at 0:40 PM, Asmodemon said:

So why he’s not wearing shoes and why no one is wearing shoes is really confusing.

Things I have learned from writing the Ard series--humans have very strong feelings about shoes. What started as a throwaway joke seems to be a major stumbling block when called out directly. It has to stay, because it's already canon, but I'll think on how to better explain it.

On 2/6/2018 at 0:40 PM, Asmodemon said:

I’m thinking the R. are using the A. in some kind of telepathic mind control or something, to dampen violent, but not immoral tendencies.

If you're getting to this from just this short, I am very pleased. This is exactly what I want insinuated! Woohoo! Thanks for the feedback, @Asmodemon!

 

On 2/6/2018 at 9:37 PM, Yuoaman said:

Overall, I liked what I read and outside of a few exceptions (mentioned below) I was able to understand what was going on character and setting-wise.

This is a huge deal for me, since you came into the book cold. Thank you! Seems like opening with Y instead of N will help ground new readers a lot more. 

On 2/6/2018 at 9:37 PM, Yuoaman said:

I feel like it might need to be separated from Y's musings on the size of Reagan-era Russians.

Fair. 

On 2/6/2018 at 9:37 PM, Yuoaman said:

I really have no idea how old Y is supposed to be now. His comments seem to point to him being an adult in the '90s but at the start you mention him being born in 1985.

 

My apologies on this. There will be a proper timeline in the book, and right now I haven't decided what year to make this chapter, aside from it being much earlier than the others. For this short, I wanted Y somewhere in his mid 40s. When the first book takes place, he is in his 70s, pushing 80.

On 2/6/2018 at 9:37 PM, Yuoaman said:

I want to know just what happened to this guy.

Hoorah!

On 2/6/2018 at 9:37 PM, Yuoaman said:

The few hints of Cellulose tech are intriguing and I definitely want more.

double hoorah!

On 2/6/2018 at 9:37 PM, Yuoaman said:

about the actual physical space of the ship, but I understand that might bog things down.

It's something that could be edited in. The ship specs directly relate to this story. The ship's interior and makeup get completely glossed over in the trilogy, because it's not super relevant, but this is the place to put it in if it is something that would intrigue. Unfortunately, the Buran was a tiny ship, and never meant to carry people, so I'm somewhat limited in what I can talk about. Will expand where I can, though!

On 2/6/2018 at 9:37 PM, Yuoaman said:

I don't understand why the screens are shattering in this way, and seems like it should be avoidable after the first mishap.

Err... handwavium? Will edit.

On 2/6/2018 at 9:37 PM, Yuoaman said:

I can't imagine everyone on Earth just giving up on foot protection and sanitation entirely.

Can I get a pass if I bring up that George Lucas was adamant that there was no underwear in space (and therefore Carrie Fisher wasn't allowed to wear bras in A New Hope), so it's not any more ludicrous to not have footwear in space? No? Argh. 

On 2/6/2018 at 9:37 PM, Yuoaman said:

but also makes me frustrated with Y for not being more interested in the other party.

Could you elaborate? Do you want Y to be more interested in the Ris?

Thank you for the feedback!!

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23 hours ago, Robinski said:

I think I mentioned this last time(?

You did, and for some reason it never got changed. Urp!

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

I don’t really get the sense of it.

Old decay smells different than new decay... this is the microbiologist in me. Is it too confusing?

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

I think a word like ‘apartment’ is much more universal. But isn’t it more than that? Isn’t about them getting a shitty state-built and managed dwelling? Verging on a slum?

I've actually been working with a few Polish people who grew up in Poland during the 1980s for this part, and they always say 'condo'. I think the deal is that they all had pretty crappy housing, and the condos were the nicer things you could get via lottery.

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

What does having kids have to do with buying toilet paper? Is the inference that he himself never used the stuff, but if he had kids he would need to start?!

Edited this sentence due to my grammar fail

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

is this a stress at the end, or a typo repetition

Typo. Definitely a typo

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

Major, major, maid-and-butler.

It's in yellow because it's not meant to stay there. It's a dating placeholder for me.

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

You do watch Downton Abbey, don’t you?

No.... should I? (is admitting this going to be like the time I admitted to never having read any of the LofR books?)

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

Would they even be corroded at all? What are shuttles made of?

Edited! The Buran, specifically, from what I read, had a ton of metal in it. In my mind it was stored improperly for years and moisture got in, but it's just as easy to say 'old metal'.

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

shores of the Madre De Dios river decayed” – aren’t they banks? And aren’t they eroded?

I swear, English is my first language. 

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

Now then. You remember how offended and disappointed I was by Y’s attitude before. You’ve fixed it just fine. I love this line. It’s no less mercenary, but somehow it’s less heartless, and you sort of explain how at least he’s saving the trees from a useless fate. He’s practically re-using!

Well woohoo!

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

the wood is already in the shuttle?

Yes. The -- breaks are meant as small time jumps. Think I should make that clearer?

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

I thought there was talk of smuggling earlier. So, is it because he’s stolen the cedar, or is it only stealing the shuttle that’s illegal?

He's stealing the shuttle, but it's just the cutting of the trees that's illegal. Moving them isn't and once they're down, it's impossible to know if they were illegally logged. This is actually a real issue across the world right now. Most tropical woods are illegally logged but companies who source them get told 'oh no no, we took this from a plantation,' and then you, the consumer, get told the wood is from a plantation or something, when really it was part of a rainforest. 

Which is clearly WAY more background than most readers would have so...how much of a snag is this? Should I try to explain or just leave it?

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

but hauling cedar’s not illegal, so it’s what you do with it that might be?

I'll try to clarify this. The scent from cedar is toxic, so I thought maybe someone might want to weaponize it...

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

There’s no way that no one breaks the law. That’s different from peace.

Apologies on this. There is a timeline that goes with the books, and will go with this one, that notes that yes, in fact, no one has broken the law in several years. The Systems are at absolute peace. And it is creepy!

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

Confused, what happened to the power problem?

Edited!

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

I got (sub-)clause-trophobia reading this sentence

It's so deliciously awkward!

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

Disoriented by lack of blocking of new scene.

check!

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

it’s crossing the line of critique, I know, but this popped into my head and I thought it might tickle your funny bone.

bah, I never mind some suggestions like this! Thank you!

23 hours ago, Robinski said:

I thought this hung together much better than the first time. I enjoyed it more, mostly from the much greater clarity, imo. Doesn’t stop me commenting, of course!!

Very thorough, as always, and much appreciated! Thank you @Robinski!

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3 hours ago, kais said:

So, how irritating is this? I was trying to set up the frustrating nature of sudden peace, which gets then dealt with more in the first book of the series. Will it be off-putting if this book never really deals with the peace issue? Although I suppose I could make it the story arc of the 'one year later' novella at the end. Would that work do you think?

If it gets a full short story treatment, I would certainly be satisfied. I think it won't work if it never deals with it, but calls it out. Or, you could skim over it and hope no one notices, sort of like in the novels. But if you start dealing with it, I think it needs an arc to explain.

3 hours ago, kais said:

I'm at a complete loss here, on how to deal with this. I could add a segment where he interacts with someone and they are just very polite when Y is threatening violence, but I fear that would bog down the short.

I think if you have a full short story that deals with this, you can leave it as a nagging question. Although I do like Y raging at someone, and them just being polite. Though then that begs the question of why he isn't affected...

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43 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

Though then that begs the question of why he isn't affected...

4000 words later... we now have a full short dealing with this! It actually turned out really well and I think, for new readers who start with this book, will fill in a lot of gaps. Thanks for keeping on me about this, everyone! 

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11 hours ago, kais said:
On 09/02/2018 at 6:43 PM, Robinski said:

I don’t really get the sense of it.

Old decay smells different than new decay... this is the microbiologist in me. Is it too confusing?

But you used the word 'death' not decay. Decay would be clearer.

11 hours ago, kais said:
On 09/02/2018 at 6:43 PM, Robinski said:

Major, major, maid-and-butler.

It's in yellow because it's not meant to stay there. It's a dating placeholder for me.

I think it was only the 12 years bit that was in yellow, but the whole line about the aliens arriving, for me, is a bit like someone telling me that there's a planet caller Mars.

11 hours ago, kais said:
On 09/02/2018 at 6:43 PM, Robinski said:

You do watch Downton Abbey, don’t you?

No.... should I? (is admitting this going to be like the time I admitted to never having read any of the LofR books?)

Sorry, my oblique way of saying maid-and-butler again! The humans giving up their arms sounded very m-&-b, to me. I've never watched an episode of Downton myself.

11 hours ago, kais said:
On 09/02/2018 at 6:43 PM, Robinski said:

the wood is already in the shuttle?

Yes. The -- breaks are meant as small time jumps. Think I should make that clearer?

This jump was rather harsh for me, seemed like he was just talking about getting the wood, then it's in the shuttle. I'd like to 'hear' him at least thinking of the logistics. I mean how the heck did they get all that wood into the museum without anyone noticing? That's a whole story in itself.

11 hours ago, kais said:

The scent from cedar is toxic, so I thought maybe someone might want to weaponize it...

Whaaaaaaa...? I guess the siding they use in houses has been treated to detoxify it then?

12 hours ago, kais said:

no one has broken the law in several years

I'm glad you don't dwell on that, because it seems even more unbelievable than the shoe thing. For one thing, someone felled that cedar, so they broke the law, surely? Some people might have dropped little, even accidentally--isn't that breaking the law in some places? What is the law? is it the criminal code, or does it include town ordinances? Jaywalking: I bet someone in the whole of human existence has jaywalked since the aliens arrived. I just have this plausibility gap on this point. Underage drinking, for example. So, nowhere in human existence has a 15-year-old snuck a beer at a party? OR, is it the fact that no one has been caught, or certainly not prosecuted, but rather given a stern lecture then the matter swept under the carpet by the R's? It's the absolutely certainty of the statement, beside the absolute unknowability of it actually being true.

12 hours ago, kais said:
On 06/02/2018 at 4:06 PM, Mandamon said:

I want to see a consequence when someone tries to toe the line (which I'm sure many do).

So, how irritating is this? I was trying to set up the frustrating nature of sudden peace,

The thing is, I think there is confusion between peace and lawbreaking, which are completely different things. For one thing, war is not against the law. For another, as I've noted, I think absolutely lack of crime is impossible, because some low-level crime happens by accident, without the 'criminal' knowing.

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18 hours ago, Mandamon said:

...and was that 4000 words in one hour? O_o

I think it was closer to two, but yesterday I was in some magical dimension. I wrote 7000 words! I mean, they're probably mostly garbage but still!

10 hours ago, Robinski said:

Decay would be clearer.

That's an easy enough fix.

10 hours ago, Robinski said:

I'd like to 'hear' him at least thinking of the logistics. I mean how the heck did they get all that wood into the museum without anyone noticing? That's a whole story in itself.

This actually might be a fine way to showcase what @Mandamon noted, too, in actually seeing how the peace thing works. Will add!

10 hours ago, Robinski said:

I guess the siding they use in houses has been treated to detoxify it then?

Nope! And even with all the research out there on it, and despite a cedar sculpture taking out like half the FBI a few years ago, it's use persists. It's natural, don't you know? And natural things never hurt us. Hemlock is also completely fine. This is definitely one of the more frustrating aspects of my IRL job. I had to break the news to someone this week that the camphor essential oil they love so much, that gets put in all those rubs and vaporizers and things to help open sinuses during a cold, is actually pretty nasty and the smell alone can kill infants. Ingest it (say, from a camphor tree cutting board), and if you get enough, or if you're a kid, chances are good you'll start vomiting. Keep it up and you end in a coma. Wood is a vicious, vicious material. 

That was more than you ever wanted to know. Apologies.

10 hours ago, Robinski said:

For one thing, someone felled that cedar, so they broke the law, surely?

I've put something in to address this issue, now. 

10 hours ago, Robinski said:

OR, is it the fact that no one has been caught, or certainly not prosecuted, but rather given a stern lecture then the matter swept under the carpet by the R's? I

To clarify (since I won't sub this section again, likely), I'm going to clarify that it's just violent crime that is being stamped out at this stage. Full peace comes another decade or so later, which is where the books start. I'll need to lay out somewhere the difference with petty crime though, like jaywalking or a kid lifting a candy bar, and that intent matters (there's actually a kicker in the first book that deals with intent, I think...unless it got cut in edits). Hrm. Have to think the best place for this. Thank you for the follow up!

 

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21 minutes ago, kais said:

Keep it up and you end in a coma. Wood is a vicious, vicious material. 

:blink:

21 minutes ago, kais said:

I'm going to clarify that it's just violent crime that is being stamped out at this stage.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!! I'm not sure that was clear.

 

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Hi @kais

I think this is a better version of what you submitted the first time, so well done. I think it's just clearer.

I will say that I zoned out a few times while reading. Maybe because its a tad wordy, maybe not that efficient in it's story telling, or maybe because I didn't sleep all that well and it's coffee time before work - who knows?

I still do not buy the world peace thing, but perhaps I should pickup the previous books and read them? Can you link my lazy behind to where I could acquire them? I would like to try the first at least (I make no promise of finishing it, I am a bit ruthless about what I read). However ... this one line: "That was all over now, though, because peace" is perfect. The because statement is the Lord's gift to us all, and we must embrace it, because pineapples.

Apologies for the short feedback, though honestly I don't think there's much more I can say on this piece that will help you. I'm hoping this coming week I can get back to reading everything and providing some more in depth feedback.

 

Edited by toomsta
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9 hours ago, kais said:

I think it was closer to two, but yesterday I was in some magical dimension. I wrote 7000 words! I mean, they're probably mostly garbage but still!

That's still awesome! I got in about 2000 on Friday, finishing up the novella, but that was in about an hour and a half. That's about the fastest I ever write!

 

9 hours ago, Robinski said:
9 hours ago, kais said:

I'm going to clarify that it's just violent crime that is being stamped out at this stage.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!! I'm not sure that was clear.

Yes! That was not clear at all. Getting rid of only violent crime will make a whole lot more sense.

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4 hours ago, toomsta said:

but perhaps I should pickup the previous books and read them? Can you link my lazy behind to where I could acquire them?

@toomsta sure thing! The first one is on sale right now too, if you get ebook, so bonus! Keep in mind that the one I've been subbing through here is actually a prequel, so the published ones are about 15-20 years after this.

Book one and book two. Book three comes out in June and I don't have any links for it yet. Thank you for reading! I appreciate all feedback, even when short and sweet.

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6 hours ago, kais said:

@toomsta sure thing! The first one is on sale right now too, if you get ebook, so bonus! Keep in mind that the one I've been subbing through here is actually a prequel, so the published ones are about 15-20 years after this.

Book one and book two. Book three comes out in June and I don't have any links for it yet. Thank you for reading! I appreciate all feedback, even when short and sweet.

I had to switch to the AU store, but it was still cheap at $4au ... So you have another customer now! 

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