Shadowlight

[The Feruchemist]

I'm a new Sanderson fan. I've dabbled in writing my whole life, but just recently became inspired to create a Sanderson/Star Wars kind of fantasy world. I don't have everything figured out, and I am still looking at ideas. And yes Shadowlight sounds like Stormlight but the magic system is totally different, and actually more inspired from the force in Star Wars than it is by Sanderson magic systems. I don't know exactly what this magic does, I've been leaning more toward a multi faceted Shannara like magic system, that has consequences. I'm not fond of Harry Potter like magic with almost no repercussions. Shadow and light magic have to be used in tandem of each other to keep balance. It's a very duality inspired kind of thing with the push and pull of yin and yang.

What's interesting about this magic system is that it's broken so to speak. The world is in a fallen state because two powerful magic users (not sure exactly what to call them yet) clashed in a sort of world shaking apocalypse causing battle of heroes. Their mentor trapped them inside the magic that they draw from changing the nature of the magic itself and drastically changing the world. I haven't decided how I want to make the magic be originally. Shadowlight is very restrictive and the original magic is just about infinite. There is a travelling nomad group of people I'm calling the Travellers right now that walk travelers paths to keep the magic in balance. Paths that are actually giant runes on the surface of the world.

Here I wrote a prologue that refer to the two magic users that I mentioned earlier who are the "gods" of this world though not really gods. I'm not entirely sure about what I want the real Gods to be like, but I always thought how interesting it would be to have immortals that aren't really gods, but they are worshipped like they are gods because not everything is known about them.

Galaphos and Balinox are not the main characters, that's something that I need to make clear. They are in the background though they are still very important to the story. The main character is a Prince named Roval. 

Anyway, feedback would be appreciated. Ask questions about it if your curious. Do any of you have experience with magic systems cause I sure don't. World building ideas? Please let me know!

Prologue:

It was a painfully infinite existence.

But it’s what he chose. If he didn't all would’ve been lost. Galaphos knew that. All he worked for would’ve been in vain. Ghaddeus told him so. How long has it been? Hundreds of years? Thousands? Dozens? He couldn’t seem to grasp time anymore. It slipped through his fingers. It took away his loved ones and spirited them away into the afterlife. The one he’ll never see.

Time. In his earlier days he wouldn’t have thought he would want that old friend back.

Instead now he was immortal watching over the world like some God, though far from being one. His only company being his mortal enemy from long ago. Or was he still a friend? He didn’t know anymore.

“Will you finally speak to me after all these years?” The man who spoke was shrouded in darkness. It was both figurative and literal. A man he fought extensively in his mortality, back when he was called a hero. Those days were over now. Now they were forced to exist in harmony. Ever existing.

“Forgive me, you just look thoughtful,” the man’s voice resonated through the expanse. The darkness swirled, its tentacles reaching for Galaphos.

“How do you know its been years?” Galaphos asked?

“I don’t,” said the man as he stepped out of the shroud. He looked the same as he did that fateful day;His black and red tunic, curly blonde hair and smiling blue eyes untouched by age. His features bewitched the masses at one time. In those days looking at his face made it hard for one not to trust him. It was a power he used often, proving useful in his ascendancy. In those days he wasn’t frightening until you got to know him. Now, though that power was unusable for him, for how he was in mortality manifested itself physically in immortality. Shadow was in his very skin. It leaked and drifted around him in a kind of cloak of darkness. Balinox.

He was shadow just like Galaphos was light.

Galaphos had sometimes wondered if he served some higher purpose. Was there a God that chose him to watch over this magical realm, or was this punishment for his failure? He decided it could be either depending on his perspective, and the former gave him purpose when the latter gave him misery. So he chose the former.

At times he longed for the days of innocence when he and Balinox were magic users rather than magic immortals. The days they didn’t have to watch the masses in their happiness and grief, their joy and sorrow, their life and death. The evil and the good that was born from them, and the ones that were not. Their mentor Ghaddeus has told them they needed to wield their power with wisdom. Galaphos wanted to listen, but couldn’t of Balinox wouldn’t. Not really. He needed to be there to oppose him.

“Are you pondering this meaningless existence?” Balinox drawled stopping at the border between his expanse and Galaphos’. They couldn’t touch each other, so the Times Galaphos wanted to punch Balinox in the nose was always wishful thinking, “because I do at times. You know I watch people, people who try to achieve what I did. They don’t understand that it is now impossible. The old man made sure of that.”

“Ghaddeus was wise,” Galaphos said, “He understood what I couldn’t. I thought if I just became stronger and stronger…” he shook his head, “I was too ambitious…”

“Ambitious?!” Balinox let out a booming laugh that rippled through the atmosphere. Galaphos wondered if mortals down below could hear him. “Too ambitious? My dear Galaphos you weren’t ambitious enough! If you joined me you could’ve lived with your wife and children in peace! In fact, I could’ve found another way to immortality, we couldve been the equivalent of gods, not this cheap counterfeit existence! Instead because of you, we are stuck in this eternal magical sphere giving our infinite selves to the uncaring, unfeeling masses? And for what?!”

“For the world,” Galaphos said quietly, “we could’ve destroyed it. We were too powerful…”

“Ha! I like to think I was too powerful and you were just along for the ride.”

Galaphos turned away from his counterpart. It was interesting to think they were like friends at one time. It was true, if Galaphos did join Balinox in his rise to power, he would’ve kept all his promises to him. But it wasn’t right. It just wasn’t right. Nobody should’ve been allowed that much power. But Balinox found a way. He always found a way. And Galaphos at the time felt he should catch up to him. He was always a step behind. Then things got out of hand. He tried too hard to fix it. To fix it himself. To fix his friend.

Eventually the world could not contain them. Their battles were taking too much of a toll. So Ghaddeus their wise mentor trapped them in the very magic they drew from and changed the nature of magic in the process. Now the sides could not fight anymore. Light and dark must work together.

It was difficult at first, getting used to immortal life. Being able to view the inhabitants of the world, listen to conversations almost like you were there. Watching life begin and the same life end. There were some whom he paid more attention to than others. Some who possessed the same gifts he had. He was drawn to them. His energy as well as Balinox’s lingered in the world, and there were some who had an affinity for it more than others. He felt as if he was in more places at once. It was strange until it felt normal.

There was a man down below that Galaphos has been watching for quite some time. He reminded him of himself, his innocent self. He sent his disciples to him, to guide him, to turn him into a hero. As much as Galaphos attempted to guide him, the man simply would not accept the dark along with the light. That was essential, but he simply wouldn’t do it. His judgment was lacking.

All that was left was for Balinox to make his move. Why was he holding back?

Galaphos peered down into the village. The people were open to his view. They lived simple lives under the reign of their king in a place that was being threatened with monsters of all kinds, not all sentient beings. The neighboring forest has been cursed by Balinox albeit indirectly. Though horrific, Galaphos saw it as an opportunity to do some good.

He placed his hero, or as Balinox calls him his “White Knight”, on a path to a village who was on the brink of destruction. They needed someone they can depend on, someone who can give them hope, someone who could do what no one else could for the people.

Galaphos wasn’t certain how long it would last. The look in Balinox’s eyes seemed to speak tales of terrible curses yet to come. “Have mercy on the man Balinox,” Galaphos muttered, “At least for now. It’s his wedding day after all.”

The celebration was meager but grand. His hero met a beautiful young woman on his travels and today they were to be married. He saved her and the villagers from certain doom and no one in the village would dream of missing their hero’s wedding. However his hero attempted to ignore the consequences of his action, and someone or something had to pay the heavy price.

Galaphos glanced at Balinox questioningly who was sharing a view of the venue. “What’s wrong friend?” Balinox said with a smirk, “the best gifts are often given at the right moment.” His eyes fixed mischievously on the bride. 

Galaphos eyes widened in realization. “Balinox no… you can’t direct all that magic toward one person! Not her!”

“Well you know what they say,” Balinox drawled as the bride and groom leaned in for the kiss, “one monster deserves another.”

It happened quickly. Years worth of backed up shadow magic rushed out of their eternal prison. Galaphos wished he could do something, but all he could ever do is wish and watch. Despair bit at him as the young woman hunkered down with a moan, stumbling from the alter. People rushed to her aid, her husband at the forefront. 

“No, get away,” Galaphos cried. He could not warn them. How many times must he learn that?

Her body convulsed on the floor of the chapel. More people crowded around shouting for a doctor. Shortly they would see that no doctor could help the bride’s condition. A blackness spread through her skin, spikes grew up from her body tearing through her dress. Her breath quickened as she began to rise from the floor crouched on all fours, hair hanging about her face, blood shot eyes dodging from person to person in a state of confusion. Her brave husband stepped forward. He reached out to her calling her name. She cocked her head curiously, no longer being able to recognize him. Then she sprung.

The struggle was brief. Newly grown claws ripped at vulnerable flesh and fangs tore out his throat before the congregation could react. With a guttural roar she ran on all fours towards the exit of the chapel leaving the mangled body of her husband behind.

Shouts of demon rang out in the village and it wasn’t long before the mob of men was assembled. The woman didn’t get very far. Collapsed in the town square, her monstrous form was fading away. But it was too late for her. Men fell upon her until she was dead. 

“Your White Knight has fallen!” Balinox said triumphantly.

“This isn’t a game Balinox,” Galaphos said gritting his teeth, “those are real people. You took the life of that woman…”

“Well it’s nice to see you still have a grip on reality my friend,” he said with a casual wave of his hand as he retreated into the shadows, “just let me know the next time I can best you. I’ll be waiting. “

Galaphos placed his face in his hands. It always took sometime to recover from interventions. Then he would continue his search for another hero. Someone that can make a real difference.

 

 

Edited February 7, 2018 by The Feruchemist

[The Feruchemist]

Hmm. Guess not. (Shrug) Oh well.  

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[Snipexe]

try signing up for reading excuses if you are having trouble getting feedback.On the actual writing:

Really interesting so far, I'm very curious to see what happens next. I like the idea of the world being like a gameboard to them.

[MacThorstenson]

How involved would Galaphos and Balinox be involved in the story? Is it more like how the shards are in sanderson's novels, or will they be more closely involved, providing active guidance and talking?

[Niteshado]

So that sucked me in more than i thought it would...

 

On 2/21/2018 at 11:17 PM, Snipexe said:

I like the idea of the world being like a gameboard to them.

im with Snipexe on this part. Seeing things from the Immortals point was intriguing. I also like your writing style for that prologue. 

Feedback wise, to me it flowed nicely. granted i dont have any experience with writing myself (though i have played with the idea of writing) i didnt get hemmed up or have to question much, everything was smooth. From that, i get the feeling that Galaphos is slightly struggling with himself, sad, and unsure. 

Overall i really liked it, i would like to see more, and how it all progresses. 

[Random Reader]

It's really good, but what will you do for the rest of the book? Will you have it Brandon Sanderson style with occasional chapters in the gods' perspective and others in the main character's perspective or write out the whole storyline in the gods' perspective?

[The Feruchemist]

To answer some questions, yes the immortals will be mostly in the background. They will give active guidance to those they choose occasionally. Their points of view will not be used often. The two main characters Tierha and Roval’s point of view will be used most often, though I’ll switch around with minor characters too once in a while though they will always be in direct contact with the main characters, so it won’t be like stormlight archive. I’ll probably use the main villains point of view too, though I might just use Tierha to fully unfold his plot. I’m not sure yet. But I’m so happy to get feedback from you guys, thank you so much!

[StrikerEZ]

@The Feruchemist This is really, really good! I'm actually super intrigued about where this story could go. There are a couple pieces of advice I have, but these are more my opinions so don't take it too hard if it goes against how you want to tell the story.

• In the prologue, maybe you could do more show than tell. Like, the story of Galaphos and Balinox is really cool, but maybe leave most of it out in the prologue, leaving the rest of the dialogue, and give little tidbits of that story in the rest of the book. How you do this is up to you. You could develop religions that have versions of this story interwoven in them, fairy tales about this story, etc. You could even put some of. The exposition of their story more into their dialogue. In addition, try to not be so exposition-y as you explain the hero Galaphos had chosen.
• The second thing is just a formatting thing. Try indenting the paragraphs because it gets hard to keep track of them sometimes. 
• The third thing is maybe try making Balinox seem less evil. Make his action of cursing the bride more of a natural response because of the new laws of magic-because the hero avoided shadow magic, it was only inevitable that it would retaliate. 
• Finally, I just had an idea. What would you think of having the roles of Galaphos and Balinox switched? Like, Galaphos was the one who was getting too much power, and Balinox was the one trying to keep up. Now that they're trapped, Galaphos feels really guilty about it. Or, maybe, through doing the hero thing he's trying to free himself. All this is just an idea, but I think it'd be pretty interesting.

Overall, I think this has some serious potential. Either tag me in here next time you post something or keep me updated in a PM.

[The Feruchemist]

StrikerEZ showing rather than telling is always a good idea, so thank you. Also, Galaphos’ role in this story is going to be a surprising one, and not what you think, so it’s funny how you mention switching Balinox and Galaphos roles. I really like the thousand years ago prologue from way of Kings, and I think I’ll use it as inspiration. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

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[StrikerEZ]

34 minutes ago, The Feruchemist said:

StrikerEZ showing rather than telling is always a good idea, so thank you. Also, Galaphos’ role in this story is going to be a surprising one, and not what you think, so it’s funny how you mention switching Balinox and Galaphos roles. I really like the thousand years ago prologue from way of Kings, and I think I’ll use it as inspiration. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

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You're welcome man! It was a pretty good read, and I'm excited to see where you go with this.

[Showman]

That is fascinating. It reminds me of preservation and ruin's perspective in Mistborn The hero of ages. An idea I have would be to have one of the immortal's heroes is doomed by their the other immortal but escapes their power somehow??? It would take some work and I have no idea what you have planned for this.

I think that a perspective of mainly the immortals would be really bland, so another element would be pretty essential.

[StrikerEZ]

20 hours ago, Showman said:

That is fascinating. It reminds me of preservation and ruin's perspective in Mistborn The hero of ages. An idea I have would be to have one of the immortal's heroes is doomed by their the other immortal but escapes their power somehow??? It would take some work and I have no idea what you have planned for this.

I think that a perspective of mainly the immortals would be really bland, so another element would be pretty essential.

I think @The Feruchemist has said that the immortals aren't gonna be the only PoVs for the book.