1/29/18 - AoTP Prologue - (V) - 4,848 words - Curiosity's Splinter

[Curiosity's Splinter]

Whew! My health deteriorated at the last second! NEVER cough while gargling vinegar. The pain... And then I went and edited the whole prologue with a last action scene. Good news for all, I guess. Go violence? *Insert Odium taking a deep breath* Ahhh... passion.

> I'm trying an experiment with the title. It is located at the end. Let me know how you felt about its placement. I think it's a cinematic tool best used for serialized works. But for the beginning of a novel it has a nice zing to put the name of the prologue and story title at the end.

> And your general reaction to the story itself, any thoughts or questions, however idle, as even the most obscure thoughts or impressions are important.

P.S noticed that everyone is using docx files, despite this being counter to the guidelines. So mine is still a .doc file this submission.

P.S.S Ouch, 4,848 words, not 3,848. corrected.

Edited January 29, 2018 by Curiosity's Splinter

[Mandamon]

Overall, this has some good potential, although near the end I realized this is a prologue, which throws me off a bit from the rest of the story. I was looking forward to fighting more gigantic beasts!

The prose is over the top in places. You have a good handle on imagery, and metaphor and simile, but I'd be careful of overusing it and tiring out the reader.

I started to get a glimpse of character for T, but then his whole family (of only men somehow?) dies and he doesn't even think about them again. The other characters are powerhouses, at the top of their game in order to fight a giant cat thing, but I don't have any sense of who they are or what this culture is. There are also no women present. One was mentioned by name (I think) so they do exist, but why do they not hold any positions of power? Did no women fight Atl.?

I'd be interested to read more, but I'd like to see more of why I should care about these characters.

Notes while reading:
The first page quickly draws me in, though the prose is a bit purple. 

pg 3: "Bloody beams of light"
--Not sure what this means. Actual blood, or red sunlight, or what?

pg 4: "He felt the heartbeat of his brother vanish with the hit."
--Also not sure about this one. Can you feel someone else's heartbeat?

pg 4: "He saw no one around him. I was the only one who made it up, huh?"
--I would expect he would see something, and also more emotion to the realization that his family died.

pg 6: "as if he could somehow pull her back"
--why does he want to pull her back?

pg 9: The first couple pages were very exciting, but by now I'm getting a little tired of just lots of description. It's good, but it's all action and bravery and Kill The Monster! By now I want to start to learn about the main character and his new aquaintences. 

pg 10: "As the folk traveled, the monsters dissolved like sand in water"
--why? She's not dead, so what's killing them?

pg 11: I feel like I'm supposed to recognize Ten, Mat, and Wash, but they haven't really been introduced.

pg 11: Whose brother and son are we talking about? This isn't T, is it?

pg 12: I'm assuming the Dark Lord is not the giant cat thing (Edit--nope, this is explained well enough later on)

pg 14: Ten's speech is drifting away from the formal style he was speaking in before.

pg 17: The POV of the monster sort of works here, but it's a bit of a switch from the rest of the chapter.

Putting the name at the end reads like this is the end of a short story, to me. I'd be confused if this came after I started reading a story, expecting more.

I think since the warning about docx files was from 2011, it's not as much a danger that someone can't open them. I haven't had anyone complain in the *looks up profile* 5 and a half years I've been on here (good lord...).

[Curiosity's Splinter]

*Insert Curiosity groan* Nnnnn.... Questions. (Odium goes for passion. Curiosity questions. Go figure)

Many thanks for the review, Mandamon.

Firstly, I have to say from personal examination that this a bit too swift a judgement of gender presence. Just because a first chapter/prologue has no women doesn't mean they aren't there. I bring this up partially because this is, like, the third or fourth prologue. The first and best (and also the least workable) is from the POV of a self-made scientist named E, a woman. The next one was from the POV of a little girl bravely venturing into the Delfan Caverns 16 years after the events you just read. So yes, I've got female characters. And they were both focuses of prologues. But they didn't work. And I have some feminist friends who really are nowhere near picky on whether or not the first chapters in a book have women in them. They just aren't. So it doesn't bother me to cater to it.

But you do have an oddly accurate point, regardless. Usually my stories have active women up front, but the second arc of the story is where most of them tend to shine in AoTP. The first sees most of the male cast developed. I'm not entirely sure why it turned out this way. It might have had to do with me writing a rather lengthy 180k novel about a slave girl's escape from her plantation.

As to the prose, it is exactly as I wish it to be. I like poetry, within reason, and description. It's what books do. Describe. Some images are there to paint a picture I can't draw. The sunrise scene, first and foremost. The deepness of the purple is not consistent throughout, though. Often there is not description enough in some places. As you will no doubt see in the future.

Notes while reading:
The first page quickly draws me in, though the prose is a bit purple. 

I am... surprised. Maybe I'm forgetting what's on the first page, but that should contain the choppiest, least purplish sentences. They merely describe. But perhaps there is too much. Can you give specific places where the descriptions clog too much?

pg 3: "Bloody beams of light"
--Not sure what this means. Actual blood, or red sunlight, or what?

Yes, red light. Blood colored. That's a running theme for At.

pg 4: "He felt the heartbeat of his brother vanish with the hit."
--Also not sure about this one. Can you feel someone else's heartbeat?

Th's younger brother latched onto his arm, heart throbbing against his elbow." I was afraid of this. I changed the sentence because it was too wordy, but it states he could feel his brother's heartbeat because he was hugging it so tightly to his chest, which is possible if you're especially sensitive and the heart is pounding fit to burst.

pg 4: "He saw no one around him. I was the only one who made it up, huh?"
--I would expect he would see something, and also more emotion to the realization that his family died.

I was afraid of this too. I ended up removing the sentence that says he was too weak to even raise his head up.  But in this case regarding emotions: you don't have emotions in this kind of end-of-life combat scenario. And this is no ordinary fighting, it's flight-or-die instinct. He just climbed up a cliff with burning and choking lungs, with the sum of all his fears roaring him deaf not far away. Ignoring adrenaline. Frankly, Th shouldn't be conscious, or even alive. But he has to be awake to bear witness to the events that transpire.

(Although there was a scene of him having a breakdown, it felt so out of place. People who break down like that on the battlefield just don't leave it, and the fatigue afterwards makes grief a slow-burn process. Again, this was remedied by yet ANOTHER cut I made, whereby I removed the part where he rejoices over hearing At scream like she did his mother. Which is why his mom is not mentioned. And also would explain why he isn't in instant tears. Growing up a child soldier fighting things like the Ind will do that to people. And so it should be re-added. Less confusion on the character's reactions.I don't know why I removed it to start with. *Bangs head against wall*

As to seeing no one, that's because they all were lost in the avalanche and were buried in the inferno. He alone made it to the top of the cliff, so he he didn't see anyone else.

But I should have made it clear he couldn't move. I was hoping it was be more apparent what with the need for air, but then I don't really show the consequences of that, do I? I just tell it. A good case where tell isn't going to work in place of show.

pg 6: "as if he could somehow pull her back"
--why does he want to pull her back?

T says it right afterward. Because there's another settlement on the floor beneath the chasm. I should probably shift it so Th is internally explaining it to the reader, which will make his actions more reasonable. Think of it this way, too: if I made a trap for a tiger, in a building, and the floor gave way so it fell to the floor below, what would that mean for my trap? Failure! *sweeps hands* The trap failed and now the hungry kitty is free to kill, feast and mangle everyone below! and I have to build a new trap! ARG! Storming floor!

pg 9: The first couple pages were very exciting, but by now I'm getting a little tired of just lots of description. It's good, but it's all action and bravery and Kill The Monster! By now I want to start to learn about the main character and his new acquaintances. 

Well, violence has its place, I felt, at the beginning. You want a good hook, yes? Rare few are they that enjoy a slow hook. The second prologue was not hookable. The first left the wrong impression, and the first chapter gives a nice story-book style synopsis of everything, but doesn't show the action. So I decided to show the action first.

pg 10: "As the folk traveled, the monsters dissolved like sand in water"
--why? She's not dead, so what's killing them?

Nnnnn. Questions. Yes. Good, good. Give into your curiosity. It will stoke the fires to read more for answers. But the answer is simple. They're dead, and they decay much faster than human corpses and return to a state very similar to red paint. I will change "dissolve" to "decay", and perhaps mention that after losing connection to their master, the hordelings don't last long. (Although I am not 100% certain if they do. I may have it so they can survive a while, assuming they aren't wounded badly.)

pg 11: I feel like I'm supposed to recognize Ten, Mat, and Wash, but they haven't really been introduced.

I am not good at introducing characters without it becoming a long profile one would expect to find in some classified document or data bible. Aaaaaaand technically I wrote this chapter last among all I've done so far, and Ten, Mat, and Wash were introduced in my head. That probably explains why it plays out that way. My hope was to just have it like with Darth Vader and Princess Leia. We are not introduced to either one properly at the start, but we get a whole scene of them in their respective roles. Same with Ten. We see his Paladin activities, and that Wash is his wingman of sorts.

Any suggestions on where exactly to intro them, and how? I am rather stumped here by a brick wall. And by brick wall I mean Black Gate of Mordor.

pg 11: Whose brother and son are we talking about? This isn't T, is it?

AAaaaaah. Questions. Again, more fuel for the fire. All is not explained at once. Prologues are for questions to tantalize. That comes with the reading as the story unravels. This one is soon to be revealed, though. As you will get the POV of the son in question in Chapters 1 and 2.

pg 12: I'm assuming the Dark Lord is not the giant cat thing (Edit--nope, this is explained well enough later on)

Right, good catch. So many have problems with that part. But glad you were able to figure that out. Again, a lot readers seem to get confused here. I guess At is just so imposing they assume she's the big bad. But she's doomed. So how could she be?

pg 14: Ten's speech is drifting away from the formal style he was speaking in before.

That is a grand, core flaw in my writing. I am not consistent with it. It ebbs and flows, and I lament to explain this is a... permanent problem for me. It's not going to get better. Because this IS better than what was, and it cost me greatly to achieve. Let's leave it at that, but thanks for notifying me that Ten does this. Huh, it's been a while, but I think I may actually have intended for this. He sort of pulls a Gandalf. He acts all grim and serious, and then deadpans something. It's his sense of humor. He likes messing with people through his authority.

pg 17: The POV of the monster sort of works here, but it's a bit of a switch from the rest of the chapter.

Yes it is. But I think the switch is necessary. It provides a good precedent that is followed throughout the book, and it does serve to prepare readers for another sudden POV switch in chapter... err... six? Seven? One of those.

"Putting the name at the end reads like this is the end of a short story, to me. I'd be confused if this came after I started reading a story, expecting more. "

But would you if you were aware there were many more chapters, and this was but the start? In a way, yes, this is the exact feeling I want you to have. Because in a way, the prologue IS a short story. Sure, the characters appear again, but the events of At's sealing are not the heart or focus of the story, they are part of its origin. And apart from at the beginning, there's nowhere else to put it that makes sense. So, instead of being a flashback, it is the early beginning, with the rest of the book simply time-skipping.

:I think since the warning about docx files was from 2011, it's not as much a danger that someone can't open them. I haven't had anyone complain in the *looks up profile* 5 and a half years I've been on here (good lord...)."

Grrr. I knew it. *Snaps fingers*

Edited January 29, 2018 by Curiosity's Splinter

[Mandamon]

On 1/29/2018 at 6:34 PM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

Usually my stories have active women up front, but the second arc of the story is where most of them tend to shine in AoTP. The first sees most of the male cast developed. I'm not entirely sure why it turned out this way.

Good to know. Just made a note of it because it struck me while reading.

On 1/29/2018 at 6:34 PM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

Can you give specific places where the descriptions clog too much?

I took a look back at this to see why I made the note. You do have good descriptions, but I think what struck me was the number of descriptors. I've been focusing on this in my writing, as I've had some advice from published writers that often less is more in this case. That's probably why it popped out for me. From the first page:

shadowed roof
Quiet terror
expectant hush
sudden fit
ragged breath
fragile smile
Jagged fissures
burning light
Pebble sleet
snickering laughter
sulfurous odor

It's not that these are bad, but they tend to clump in paragraphs, or even sentences, and can lead to a reader fatigue where there are too many of them. Sometimes it's just a fissure, rather than a jagged fissure. A fit usually is sudden, so the extra word isn't needed. This is a more subjective commentary, so take it with a grain of salt, but for me, I've found my writing flows better when I remove some of the descriptors and only leave the ones that are really necessary.

Hope that helps!

 

[kais]

Welcome to your first sub on RE!

Overall

The writing is mostly pretty solid, barring the occasional over-use of adjectives and some purple prose. My biggest issue is why do I care about Thad? I don't know enough about him from this, and there is a clear lack of stakes and through-line, to get me invested. Also note that it is increasingly difficult to get an agent with the 'boy-goes-on-journey' / 'chosen one' trope, especially if your protag is cis, het, white, and abled. It's been done. It's been done so much. If you're looking to eventually publish you'll want to ask yourself, what makes Thad different? Why is this boy different from any other boy in any other fantasy book who has lost his family and is going on an adventure? How is this magic different? I'd also urge you to ask 'why did I chose not to put any females or gender minorities within my first ten characters?'

It's a good start, but will need some editing, like most everything. Keep at it!

On 1/29/2018 at 0:45 PM, Mandamon said:

I started to get a glimpse of character for T, but then his whole family (of only men somehow?) dies and he doesn't even think about them again. The other characters are powerhouses, at the top of their game in order to fight a giant cat thing, but I don't have any sense of who they are or what this culture is. There are also no women present. One was mentioned by name (I think) so they do exist, but why do they not hold any positions of power? Did no women fight Atl.?

I agree with @Mandamon. This pretty much sums up all my comments below.

On 1/29/2018 at 9:49 AM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

Let me know how you felt about its placement.

I don't much care where it goes, but if you ever sub this to an agent or publisher, the title will go in the footer, per formatting guidelines.

On 1/29/2018 at 3:34 PM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

that this a bit too swift a judgement of gender presence.

But it isn't. A reader gives a book maybe a chapter to make a decision on whether or not to read/buy. An agent gives it maybe five pages. Because this type of narrative is so overdone, agents and readers are already on the defensive when opening this sort of book, and the lack of any gender other than male just reinforces the narrative we already have in our heads. Seriously, the level of frustration with the young male on a journey with other men stories has reached a point where I've actually started seeing, on agent sub guidelines, to flat out not sub anything with 'white male goes on quest'. This goes back to my thoughts below. If we're going to read about Thad's coming of age as some great hero, what makes him different from all the other young male heroes that came before him? 

On 1/29/2018 at 3:34 PM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

And I have some feminist friends who really are nowhere near picky on whether or not the first chapters in a book have women in them.

This is a friend fallacy (not to mention really concerning. Feminism is literally just the desire for all genders to be treated equally. If ALL your friends aren't feminists, you might want to check on why that is). Agents are picky about this sort of thing. Publishers are picky about this sort of thing. Readers that aren't men (and even a lot of men!) are picky about this sort of thing. I can only think of one instance in which I would be willing to invest more than one chapter in this type of story with an all male cast, and that would be if the protag was trans (AFAB) and was really trying to make the whole thing work, really fit in with the boys, but had to keep dealing with the legacy of his birth. That would super interesting in terms of deconstructing masculinity and masculine journey tropes. 

On 1/29/2018 at 3:34 PM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

Usually my stories have active women up front, but the second arc of the story is where most of them tend to shine in AoTP.

If you want to keep readers until then, just change around some of your NPCs to another gender. Does every old advisor have to be a guy? Can't Thad have a sister or two?

On 1/29/2018 at 3:34 PM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

As to the prose, it is exactly as I wish it to be.

... okay but, this is a critique group so critiquing is kind of what we do. Actually, this podcast might help (but substitute prose for scenes/characters)!

On 1/29/2018 at 3:34 PM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

But in this case regarding emotions: you don't have emotions in this kind of end-of-life combat scenario.

The problem here is that without emotions, we (the reader) don't care about the character, so therefore have no buy-in, and don't want to read more. Thad needs to emote.

 

 

As I go

- page one: the adjectives are getting pretty heavy as I progress through this page. Be careful your prose doesn't turn purple

- page two: wait, so his family is only other men? But women are clearly in this world so I have questions about what happened to the guy's mother, at the very least

- page three and I still don't know what any of these characters look like

- oh wait, Atl isn't a human female, she's a beast of some kind. Huh

- page seven: too many names now, and not enough buy-in for any of them. I know what Wash looks like, vaguely, but no one else. I know they're all men (does this world not have women? If not, how exactly is reproduction accomplished?), and apparently are all trying to kill this dragon-with-hands because she... eats them. I think. I haven't connected with anyone yet, unfortunately.

- page eight: so warriors fell but didn't die? This is falling into the territory of 'no stakes because no one is ever actually injured'. I don't buy how vicious this dragon-with-hands is because I have only been told she is a problem. I haven't seen her do anything problematic enough to warrant being slowly poisoned to death

- page eight: the generic magic swords in a world filled only with men who want to fight dragon-things needs to have something to make it stand apart from every other world filled only with men who want to fight dragon-things. You have to establish that difference early, way before page eight even, in order to hook a reader, an agent, a publisher. Why do we care about Thad? What are his struggles? Why is him helping kill the dragon-with-hands important? 

- page nine: people died from the dragon-with-hands. Excellent. I can now see that she is, in fact, somewhat of a threat

- page nine: townspeople were used as bait!? I've lost any empathy I might have had for whomever orchestrated this battle

- page twelve: so I'm marginally interested in the apple trees and barren land, but this dark lord, shuddering mountain stuff means nothing to me because I'm not invested in the characters or the world yet. Thus far Thad seems young and mostly without skill, which makes this seem like a young-man-goes-on-journey-and-is-probably-the-chosen-one story. These are a dime a dozen. Again, why is Thad different? Why should readers (and agents!) get invested in him?

- page 12: kings, but not queens? Awaiting the mono gender discussion that is sure to be coming...

- page 13: AH! There are women in this world! So... why is Matilda the first we hear about, when we've met, what almost ten people? Women make up approximately half of the human population, and therefore should be approximately half the characters in any given book, baring clear exceptions like boys' boarding schools, a gay camping trip, etc. And even then, they'd still exist and be around, just not necessarily in a 1:1 ratio.

- page 16: Thad crying, or feeling shame, doesn't really affect me since I don't yet care for this character. He lost his family that I didn't get to know, and couldn't even describe what they look like, he is scared of a dragon that is already quelled (and with very little work), and he already has mentors willing to show him how to do things and to take care of him. There are no stakes for him, and he seems more self-pitying than anything.

- page 17: I don't know if you're writing for yourself, or for eventual publication. If for yourself, disregard the rest of this. If for publication, note that, for new writers, change of POV mid-chapter is really frowned on and can get you kicked from the slush, regardless of how strong everything else is. It is not recommended

- page 18: ah, and this was a prologue. Re: above - agents also now pretty much uniformly dislike prologues, too. Most won't even let you sub them as part of your sample chapters. If the information is important, make it chapter one. If we don't need it to understand the rest of the story, cut it

[Curiosity's Splinter]

Right.  I am honesty very offended. If you hate men so much, I think I should leave. And yes, I like purple prose, frankly, and see nothing wrong with. In fact, I consider the opposite bad writing. Elizabethan is a great love of mine, and I see the destruction of real creative writing to be a disturbing trend.

I don't know what to do invest someone in a character that quickly. As far as I have ever seen, it's a matter of choice. Your instant reaction is disgust, and presumptive, considering you simply did not give the whole prologue long enough achieve its purpose. You've been a premise to the story. But you clearly haven't considered it yet.

As for prologues in general, I like them. I don't care if editors don't. I gave up on publication many years ago, and for good reason ,especially if they complain of race. Substitute "White" for "Black" and see how it might sound. That is how I feel right now. I know this forums' policies have no protection for me, so I feel that must be pointed out now. 

My primary hope was to share my story in a way that generates feedback, but my interactions with this community indicate it frowns on white men, and men in general. You made some tacid points on description, but it is too hostile a critique to warrant prolonged rumination. 

I don't expect an apology, but that is fine. We will not trouble each other again.

[Mandamon]

Hey @Curiosity's Splinter--quick word of advice/warning. We are all in this forum to help each other get better and offer honest critique of each other's work. Basic rules of critiquing etiquette are:

1) Don't defend your work to critiques. You put your stuff out to get feedback, and you don't have to take any advice, but you did ask for it.

2) No personal attacks on those who are giving you feedback. They are here to help and you will quickly lose any credit with them and others. Remember that you don't have to take any advice.

3) If you aren't trying to get something published, then I would state that so we can tailor our critiques so we do not include anything that deal with that sphere. You may get a lot less feedback this way, as several of us are published authors.

4) Playing a race card is never a good idea. Take it from another white male, of which there are many on this forum, with no problems or perceived lack of "protection". Policies apply to everyone.

If you have any other questions about the best way to interact with this forum, I am happy to help.

[Rogueshar]

Okay, in general I liked the prologue, though I am unsure how this will connect to the rest of your story. I'm assuming T will be the main character in the whole story, but since it is a prologue I am unsure. I definitely had a hard time keeping up with who was who in the prologue other than T. I too lost sympathy for whoever came up with the town/city people as bait. Was this supposed to be a town or a city? I was unsure. The whole piece where the earth rumbles and then wasn't rumbling confused me as well. I did like the giant monster fighting though, that was something that felt different.

[Robinski]

Hey, excited to read some of your writing. Let’s get right into it.

• I'm a bit disoriented. There’s a ledge, a chasm, a cliff and a pass, but I don’t really know how they fit together, what the topography looks like. If they are in a cavern, I wouldn’t be thinking of it as a pass, which I would not expect to have a roof. Description often gets a bad rep, but it’s important to place the reader’s mental picture in the scene.
• I would say the odour cannot breathe into someone’s nostrils.
• A cavern has a roof, which is referred to, but they are in a ‘coverless pass’? I’m very confused by the blocking. Not knowing how the characters relate to the setting makes it difficult to get invested in the scene.
• At isn’t described, other than to say she wriggles like a worm, so I'm not sure how to picture her.
• Characters seem to appear out of nowhere, they just arrive and are introduced, but I don’t know how they’ve got there.
• The problem with using an action scene, a fight scene especially, to introduce characters is that it’s hard to feel any investment in the stakes, because one doesn’t know (or really care) for the characters yet. This makes it so important to introduce them instantly. And I don’t just mean their names, but showing their character and background almost instantly in order for the reader to have a reason to root for them.
• Whole body quivering, I would say, rather than quavering.
• I did start speed-reading before this, for the reasons noted. I did dwell on the description of the golden swords, which was cool. I mentioned not being invested in the fight, which remains, but not only that, the reader is not actually involved in the fight, but is witnessing it second hand from the viewpoint character.
• I feel like there are various things that are dropped in but not explained, life the Delf. I see then that it’s a place, but is it a country, a city?
• I like the description of the land being stained by the bodies of the fallen enemy. Very effective, and with a distinctly epic fantasy/legend tone.
• I’m puzzled that there is no mention now of Th’s family. Did I skip over something and they died? Would his first thought not be for them?
• “He did like the look of the trees.” This is just not a strong enough line, and it weakens Th as a character. It’s a phrase that doesn’t actually mean anything. Why does he like the trees? Are they inspiring, do the look beautiful, remind him of his mother, his own home? I think this is part of the central difficult with this week’s part of story, it tends to be rather superficial, not deep enough to make me feel who the characters are and, more importantly, what they want and why.
• Don’t abbreviate to Mt. Overlook in narrative, it’s a novel, not a technical report. No numbers, no abbreviations.
• Not knowing why Th is worthy of all this attention from his lord, it’s difficult to buy it. What’s special about him? Is he a chosen one? Why would the lord single him out?
• The Dark Lord? Hmm; pretty much every second story used to have a Dark Lord: it’s not enough. Have you listed to Writing Excuses and heard any of the casts on low-hanging fruit? I think that is at the heart of many of my issues. Don’t just pick the first name/title for your main antagonist, you need to go past that, and look further. Discard the next choice too. You need to find something that is uniquely yours, and doesn’t sound generic. I think some of your character names are good, and I especially like Atla…, and how it is heavy with vowel sounds. I know ‘Dark Lord’ is absolutely clear and obvious, but it’s very generic and pretty boring.
• “the eye pierced him” – So, you are full square in the middle of Tolkien territory here. Please be very cautious about how you proceed. We now have a Dark Lord, and an all-seeing eye(?).
• Whilst I am fairly interested in learning about the valour crests, this is really quite info dumpy. Are you familiar with the phrase maid-and-butler? It means one character telling another character something that they should and would already know. I think you need to make it clear that Th doesn’t know this legend before you have Ten recount it to him.
• I’d like to see Th questioning much earlier why the loird has picked him out to see this. I’d also like to ‘hear’ him thinking about him family, and making sure they all got out. I still don’t know what makes Th tick as a person, or why I should care about him.
• It was a bit odd to hear that lord set out Th’s motivation, rather than Th himself. I want to feel his own emotion though him. I want (to try) to identify with him as a character.
• So, Th’s family is gone? I must have skipped over that bit, but I didn’t really seem to be affecting him on the walk up here, or when he was with the other men, watching the battle. He seems cracked up now, but I would have thought it would have dominated his thoughts after the battle, or at least to be aware of him being choked up, blocking it out.
• The Dark Lord is dead? Who are the Inds? Point of view issues here. We were in Th’s POV, now we have drifted off with one of the other two men.
• I didn’t really get a sense that Th was a stout heart.
• I like your experiment of putting the title after the prologue. I also like the short section of At’s POV, although I was confused at the end. Is the Dark Lord dead then? And does the ‘last scream’ mean that Atl is too? Maybe I'm supposed to be confused, but I’d rather not be at this stage.

In summary, I struggled to get into this because I didn’t feel anything for the characters. Pretty much they were soldiers fighting a powerful enemy that I didn’t have any reason to despise in the way that they did. The point of view shifts around towards the end, but Th’s was not central to the action, and I felt removed from it, largely for that reason.

I find your narrative style good. I didn’t feel any great urge to stop and comment about grammar, although some of the word choice was a little strange. Still, having that direct, clear narrative, I think, is a great foundation for a story. My main comment would be that the characters are not as interesting as I would like. I feel very little for them. I talked about depth, and I think shallowness is what they suffer from, and it’s a barrier to me investing in the story.

Plot-wise, ahhh; it’s really fairly generic. There are so many stories about an ancient evil imprisoned that rises again to threaten the world. I can’t really bring myself to get excited about it. The same comment about low-hanging fruit also applied to plot. Come up with an idea, abandon it instantly, and push further. Come up with six different ideas, never stick with the first one. Pick the one your most excited about. This was (near enough) a prompt from Writing Excuses some seasons ago. That stuff just works, I promise you.

I hope to see more of your writing. Thanks for submitting!

<R>