kais Posted January 22, 2018 Report Share Posted January 22, 2018 Looking specifically for help on how to better streamline this section, and whether the ending lands well. All other comments most appreciated. This is a draft zero, so apologies for that. Please abbreviate all names and places. Thank you! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curiosity's Splinter Posted January 22, 2018 Report Share Posted January 22, 2018 (edited) *Glances around* They sure do need proper abbreviations for all these docking bays. Reading all those letters is confusing. Three thousand nine hundred and fifty four. Gosh. Could just shorten that with the use of numeric symbols. I hear these people on Earth invented them. 3,954. see, much better. *Scribbles numbers over docking bay.* Hmm... yes, I like that. But, don't expect me to do this for ALL the docking bays. *Spreads arms and looks around* there are too many of them. It shouldn't be a free service. And since I'm only here so long as the scene is, I doubt I'll have time enough to enjoy any cash. The chapter's only 3000~ish words after all. *drops chisel and moves up to Captain* Who is Captain? And why is the first I hear of him devoid of punctuation. It's jarring. confusing. I am confused. Where am I? Who are these people and what the heck is THAT? *Gestures at the furry N* I guess I better disguise myself as a non-human. *Transforms into multi-tentacled slug, with two platypus-shaped feet and a single, dinner plate eye* Huh, an ipad? *tilts head and snatches it from N.* Golly they're not paying you enough. *Presses tentacle tip over it profusely* "Account transfer. Account transfer Account tran-account tran-account transfer. *stops and begins trying to slide the screen, but fails when slug ooze slicks the iPad's surface too much. Slides over to Y* Hey, I think you can adjust the temperature with this thing. You should really do something about it. What are you attempting to do, turn your paper airplane into an incense burner for the whole salted station? Speaking of which, the airflow is getting kinda itchy. *scratches at body with tentacle hooks* Huh, maybe slug beast was not the wisest choice of disguise for this artificial biome... *glances at Y* Hey, how the heck do you fit yourself into that tiny ship? *Listens to conversation* Now I'm just confused. Fruit? Diamonds? Cellulose? *Throws tablet aside* Eww... Cellulose, really? I do NOT require a voicebox! *slides away from Y* And don't forget that you stink worse thany ANYONE else here! *Stops and glances at sign.* Hey, does that say what I think it does? Wait? where did you go? *glances around to see Y entering aquatic room. Eye narrows* Oh, you did not just give me the slip. *slides after Y, begins to squish through door via frontal oozmosis. Pauses as slug creature attaches to one tentacle* What? No, not right now. Go away! Your clearly not the same species as me! *the other slug refuses to let go and hangs on like a limpet* "ASDFASDVasdoifweoifqeig," says the ooze-mass. I have no idea what you just said. And I kinda have important things to do, Ys to stalk. Now lett... *oozemosis!* ..og... *blinks and finds self in space aquarium* Ooh. *watches neon shark slink past with fluorescent teeth, its shadow passing over my form* Now there's some teeth. Wonder what he uses as tooth cleaner to get that pink shine? "ashdfouiasdfoi." *Looks down to see the ooze-mass still attached. It extends tentacle probe and begins pocking at my eye* STOP TOUCHING ME! *Dips the ooze-mass into aquarium tank. Watches as salt dissolves the stupid sentient to composite goobers* Grrr. I hate amorphs. *intentionally and pointedly refrains from looking at my own reflection in the aquarium glass. Takes tentacle, shakes it clean of salt water, and then slithers after Y* Where oh where did my giant furry friend go? "... with a hold filled with illegal timber." Do what now? *Stops cold in the process of trying to suck traces of sap out of the untreated andal wood desktop.* You a pirate? *peers closely at Y. Eye widens* Doh! The beard! The deals. The salty smell. You ARE a pirate aren't you! That or a smuggler. *slithers behind M's highback chair.* Don't associate with me again. Criminal. *sends tentacle around side of chair and wags it like a finger* shame shame. *Extends all tentacles, each wielding a Micron-10 SDR pistol (static-field disruption radiowave)* I am SO glad I picked these up. To think those Chinese terran vendors outside can legally sell these in little plastic baggies. And without background checks! *trains Micron-10s on Y. Ahem, Put your hands on the table, Y. Watch the slime patch. I didn't get to clean it up. Do so slowly, you hairy pirate you. "You understand that is all illegal." Yeah, I think he does. You uh, just told him. Like, the last time you opened your mouth, M. You gotta stop repeating yourself. If timber is illegal, then it stands to reason he's doing something illegal. The two hold an exceedingly intimate relation. "Yup." That's ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY, SALT IT? After all our two pages spent together? The Deal, the iPad, the bar? I can't believe you would just sell yourself out this way! *charges up Microns, which whine with a sound only the collective buildup of impending doom can make* Listen, M might not kill you. But I CERTAINLY might! You double-crossing... hmm, what species are you, exactly, Y? *Engages telepathy, reading Y's thoughts* Yo, furry, Reeducation camps sounds very, very very bad. Why not just let me blast you and get it over with? And no legal discipline. *extends front of body around to peer at M with large eye.* Really, M? *Looks back at Y* No wonder there's pirates. "That's got to be sticky work." You have no idea. "I'd like to offer you a job." *goes very still and trains several M10 pistols on M* We're listening. *Glances at Y* Right? Ouch, Y your language! There are elderly amorphs here! And one of them is pointing half a dozen disruptors at you! *Telepathy ping!* Yeah, you know, I think I'm already holding those equivalents. They weren't hiding them in the plants either. Nonsense. You have no righteous anger, you grubby human! *prepares to fire. Unfortunately, the pistols seem to malfunction, failing to fire off a single blast* Odd. *Shakes pistol* Why is it not working? It says it was made in China! That's one of those exotic Terran manufacturers, right? *Peers closely at text written on underside of a pistol* It says... dilithium batteries not included. *Throws pistols into the aquarium* Bah! I'm done with this. *Slides after Y* Alright, I'm game. Maybe I can suck on one of the trees for a while. But, you know, Y, you never actually looked at what they were willing to pay. That's really stupid. You have no clue what they were offering. They might have been assuming more than your pathetic Terran brain could even BEGIN to imagine. And instead you threw it into the M's sternum. Really, it's remarkable you managed to escape that museum at all! *Teleports out before the scene concludes* So, for a zero draft it has flowing problems. It's almost as viscous as mucus. But I'm not very good at making stories flow like hot butter, so there's little use in me giving advice I haven't mastered. My suggestion would be to maybe reword a couple parts, probably the paragraph describing the spaceport, and definitely the opening two paragraphs. Those were the worst, and the writing progressively got better as time went on. Everything else I planned to say I said while trailing Y. Interpret my experiences how you please. Oh, and you probably should describe Y's ship. It was a rather important blank space. As were the descriptions of the beings. I think I learned more about what I myself looked like by the end compared to just about everyone. Although M ended up being an Iguana, apparently. Never would have guessed. And what were the copper-colored emaciated humans? Psychic ninjas? They seemed to have something to do with Y's anger evaporating. So, in summery, the fact that I felt compelled to inject myself into the story indicates it is lacking in some capacity. It failed to engross me, to engage my imagination with what was already present. Instead, I had to make things up as I went. That is not good. Were I not granted with the opportunity to post a review, I likely would have stopped reading. What does it need? Don't ask me that! I have no clue. But that's my two cents and a slug being's worth of suggestions. So, for a 0-draft, I'd give it an 8/10. It needs little tweaks. *holds up thumb and forefinger* Tiny little adjustments. Adjustments you alone are qualified to make, Kais. So I leave you to that. You could also go to a corner and scream at the wall while rocking back and forth with your knees enfolded in the lonely embrace of your own two hands. That's usually what I do after reading critiques of my work. Though most of those were more negative than my zany reviews tend to be. *shrugs* Have fun evolving your story. Edited January 22, 2018 by Curiosity's Splinter 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chuck Hossenlopp Posted January 23, 2018 Report Share Posted January 23, 2018 Page 1: "Placed her palm? Not hir? As an entry level reader, not knowing about the c-tech makes me feel like I don't know vital world building stuff. (Then again how many times have I read Spider-man explain his web shooters over the years?) Page 2: 12/29? Is this a date or time of day? Page 3: I enjoyed seeing the spaceport. But since Y isn't having much of an emotional reaction to it, I'm not really hearing Y's voice in the narration here. Page 4: Yellow-tuniced sounds good out loud, but on paper it looks like 'tunissed.' That's just a weird nit pick. Ignore me. Page 5: Cellulose, illicit lumber, I get the tech now. This is payoff. Ignore my page one comment "Everything in Y froze..." This paragraph shows that Y was not hugged often enough as a child. I love it. Being called to the boss'/principal's office is a universally relatable experience Page 6: "I'd like to offer you a job" came right at the top of a page break. There's not a lot you can do to control that, I just thought that was cool. I like it when a reveal comes at the turn of a page. Page 7: Hairy arms has been an ID tag for aliens up to now. Pointing out Y's human arm hair does something weird to me. Are you trying to draw an intentional parallel here? So R's have claws. Crab pincers or pointy fingernails? Can't imagine why Y would want to pass up a chance to be a well paid disposable schmuck. Is the bipedal copper dude human or alien? I don't have a picture in my head Page 8: "Anger is too far to bother with? Like his emotions got neutered somehow? Nothing suspicious here. Invasive peace? Now we're getting somewhere This explains his surliness all the way for me. His rage has an artificial lid of some kind on it, so it all comes out as passive aggressive bitterness. Page 9: No comments, just enjoying the ride Page 10: How is Y capable of yelling and throwing stuff? I would think that whatever the rage lid is, it would be in effect here Page 11: The N eludes me. Is N a place, a people, a serving class of the R species? Page 12: Ah. The N are further along the R's conveyor belt than humans are. What ever happens to the N will happen to the humans next. (at least that's what's in my head) This should maybe be established earlier. So... There's a part 3, right? This isn't meant to stand alone in any way, because the payoff is a call to adventure. All in all it's really not a bad intro to your universe. I like it 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted January 23, 2018 Report Share Posted January 23, 2018 I think I definitely benefited from reading the books first, but. having done that, this is an excellent prequel about Y. I'm enjoying this one the most of the short stories so far. The main problems I had with this were at the end, similar to @Chuck Hossenlopp's. Y's anger seems misplaced, and then overdone. I'm not sure why he would throw away the first deal, and especially not then accept a much hazier deal with no contract. it's the same problem N had at the spaceport. Where does all this anger come from? Not that it isn't warranted, but I don't think we have enough background on why these characters are so angry at their environment. Is there some reason specifically to hate the Ris.? I did enjoy the partial explanation of how peace is enforced. I would still imagine there would be day-to-day violence, however, if there's not an Ard. in the room. Notes while reading: pg 9-11: Some of Y's anger feels a bit over the top. pg 11: "We would appreciate delivery within ten standard days, and will pay whatever your price.”" --wait, so Y's going to ignore a contract that guarantees him money in lieu of a very hazy verbal agreement for the Ris. to pay him "whatever he wants?" That sounds like an even worse deal. pg 11: "going weeks without meat, or not being able to get a toy, or even lethal squabbling over territory" --those are...strange comparisons. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 24, 2018 Report Share Posted January 24, 2018 Woo, hoo; Part 2 Great intro to the spaceport. I get a nice image, not just of shiny ships (lots of them), but of the jumble and the smells, etc. Why does Y speak these thoughts? Surely, this is internal monologue: he’s never going to say that out loud, especially with someone standing next to him, who he’s negotiating with. Wait, is he talking to N? It’s just that you said ‘murmuring to self’. “this fruit company” – LOL “Lego figurine” – No, no, no, no, no!! It probably won’t surprise you to know that I’m huge Lego fan. (This is my next project, sitting in the box ready to go! https://www.lego.com/en-gb/themes/technic/products/ocean-explorer-42064 …my point being, the term is Lego minifigure Now, I realise that Y might not know that, but you will incur the wrath of all the Lego fans that ready your book. Although… I wonder what the crossover between Lego fans and queer space opera is? Probably more than we’d think! “even though it creased the spine” – damnation, Y. damnation him to hell!!! “a title given to him” – I like ‘conferred on him’. More grammatically correct I think, and because of that, I sounds less like the ship is actively giving him the title, which it’s not. “An hour local time” – This is a job for Lieutenant Pedant. To me, this phrase sounds off. I guess an hour is different on different planets? But it is only an arbitrary human division of time, and it’s not even that accurate as we know, because there is a little bit left over that means we need to add that pesky day once every four years. My complaint though is that, for example, if you are in Milan, and you say something will take an hour, it doesn’t matter what time it is, it still takes on hour. To use the same word on another planet seems anachronistic. I mean, Y won’t be able to judge how long that it, because he’ll be influenced by an Earth hour. Ok, he’s got a synched watch, but still… “Back at thirteen” – LOL “signs had Spanish and Chinese on them” – Hmm, yeah, I don’t buy this personally. I think English to too far ingrained as the international language, certainly for Spanish to appear. But, I suppose we don’t know much about your Earth. Still, maybe it’s just my prejudice, but it begs some huge questions that I suspect you're not going to answer*. (* - Yes, I know I did the same in TMM. Statement withdrawn.) “or question ask if he was lost” – Stop polluting my language with these not-nouns!! “into an office off” – double ‘off’ not smooth either. “You understand that is all illegal” – Suggest deletion for flow. The double ‘ll’ sound diminishes the impact of ‘illegal’, I think. Even if you said “…it is illegal; all of it.” Then you get a double whammy because of the pause. “three squares a day” – LOL Y’s callous disregard for the environment is abhorrent to me. I like him less now. I despise gangster films, because (proper) gangsters should all be shot or hung or something, they are not heroes, as the entertainment industry sometimes paints them. Okay, Y is not a gangster as such, but I think he’s less sympathetic now. “He was a Terran, sure, but he wasn’t an idiot” – ROFL. “he never had to see another human again” – Sign me up too. Seriously though, does his statement exclude the scantily-clad consenting ladies? “but it seemed too far in to bother with” – flow and clarity. “sold it to on the Systems black market” – a black market does not buy things itself, it’s just a vehicle for parties to operate in, I would suggest. Y’s speech demanding back his anger is excellent, but I feel there are too many questions; they get irritating after the first two, reducing the impact of the speech a little, I think. “your actions were done born out of desperation” – better grammar, and the M’s grammar should be more sophisticated than Y’s. Also, Y never felt desperate to me: perhaps that was why I didn’t feel any sympathy with his actions. It was not apparent that he had no other way out. “so how ‘bout you not piss him off” I don’t understand how it turns around to Y asking whether M agrees, when it is M’s deal that they’re talking about. It’s for Y to agree, he hasn’t made a counter proposal that I could hear. “The unease in his stomach filtered wouldn’t settle” – grammar. I don’t buy the significance of the secrets at the end here. It’s a good ending, if you can generate conviction in the stakes, but it feels like a big jump for me, at the moment, from something that is puzzling Y, to something with galaxy-spanning significance. Good job. I enjoyed this, but I'm hoping that you will take the suggested fixes forward, as I think the main ones will boost the story. I’d be very happy to read this again once it’s refined. <R> 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted January 24, 2018 Report Share Posted January 24, 2018 5 hours ago, Robinski said: “Lego figurine” – No, no, no, no, no!! It probably won’t surprise you to know that I’m huge Lego fan. (This is my next project, sitting in the box ready to go! https://www.lego.com/en-gb/themes/technic/products/ocean-explorer-42064 Completely unsurprised to learn we also share this affection. I got the Saturn V rocket set a few months ago! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 24, 2018 Report Share Posted January 24, 2018 8 hours ago, Mandamon said: Completely unsurprised to learn we also share this affection. Lol. Engineers; what are we like? 8 hours ago, Mandamon said: I got the Saturn V rocket set a few months ago! Aw man, my local Lego store sold out in an hour, then it was on back order for ages on the website. I stopped going back to check. It's back up now! <bagged> 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted January 25, 2018 Report Share Posted January 25, 2018 15 hours ago, Robinski said: Aw man, my local Lego store sold out in an hour, then it was on back order for ages on the website. I stopped going back to check. It's back up now! <bagged> Yay! I had a gift certificate specifically to the Lego site, and it took me about 5 months to get it. They would have it in stock for about 1 day a month. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted January 28, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2018 On 1/22/2018 at 9:25 AM, Curiosity's Splinter said: probably the paragraph describing the spaceport, and definitely the opening two paragraphs. Those were the worst, and the writing progressively got better as time went on. That is usually how my writing goes. I'll revisit the opening. On 1/22/2018 at 9:25 AM, Curiosity's Splinter said: Oh, and you probably should describe Y's ship. This is the second half of the chapter. The ship was very well described in the first half. So check on this one! On 1/22/2018 at 9:25 AM, Curiosity's Splinter said: As were the descriptions of the beings This may or may not get changed. Right now this is the fourth chapter of the book, so most of the aliens have already been well described. Y has already had a description as well. I am, however, thinking of making this the first chapter of the book, so if that happens, all the descriptions will be changed around to be here. On 1/22/2018 at 9:25 AM, Curiosity's Splinter said: And what were the copper-colored emaciated humans? Psychic ninjas? Yes, more or less. This is book four in a series, the first three of which dealt specifically with these psychic ninjas. Sorry for all the confusion. Coming in midway through the fourth book has to be jarring. Thank you very much for the review, and welcome to RE! On 1/22/2018 at 8:53 PM, Chuck Hossenlopp said: Placed her palm? Not hir? Ahh, we meet on the other side! Had to double check but no, this alien is a her. The ones that use the xe/hir are the Ris (my agender species) On 1/22/2018 at 8:53 PM, Chuck Hossenlopp said: As an entry level reader, not knowing about the c-tech makes me feel like I don't know vital world building stuff. Starting at book four would be disorienting for anyone. You're taking it like a champ. On 1/22/2018 at 8:53 PM, Chuck Hossenlopp said: But since Y isn't having much of an emotional reaction to it Darn it, I always forget this part. Going back in to edit now. On 1/22/2018 at 8:53 PM, Chuck Hossenlopp said: Are you trying to draw an intentional parallel here? Sort of? There's a pivotal point in book three that hinges on Y's body hair, so I thought in the prequels I'd make it a point, in Y's chapters, to note other beings who also have hair on various biped appendages. On 1/22/2018 at 8:53 PM, Chuck Hossenlopp said: So R's have claws. Crab pincers or pointy fingernails? GAH! *grumbles and goes to look at book one* Okay so they're only ever described as 'long claws,' so guess this is a chance to fill in! On 1/22/2018 at 8:53 PM, Chuck Hossenlopp said: Is the bipedal copper dude human or alien? I don't have a picture in my head Purposefully vague at this juncture, though a dead giveaway for any previous reader On 1/22/2018 at 8:53 PM, Chuck Hossenlopp said: I would think that whatever the rage lid is, it would be in effect here Looks like I didn't bring out the lifting of the 'rage lid', as you put it, very well. Will edit. On 1/22/2018 at 8:53 PM, Chuck Hossenlopp said: This should maybe be established earlier. It was! This is book four. On 1/22/2018 at 8:53 PM, Chuck Hossenlopp said: So... There's a part 3, right? This isn't meant to stand alone in any way, because the payoff is a call to adventure. No part three to this particular short, I'm afraid. I'm thinking of renumbering, so this will be chapter one, then the three N chapters, then Nick's chapter. But if it's the full adventure you're looking for, I'd like to suggest starting with book one (which I got critted back on RE a year and a half ago or so, and got traditionally published!). Thank you for the feedback! See you back in the trenches next week! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted January 28, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2018 On 1/23/2018 at 7:18 AM, Mandamon said: I'm enjoying this one the most of the short stories so far. The perpetual amusement for me in the Ard series is that Y is a universally beloved favorite, despite not being a POV character, being a giant, obvious trope, and having no real arc. Something about an aged Han Solo just does it for people. On 1/23/2018 at 7:18 AM, Mandamon said: Y's anger seems misplaced, and then overdone. Argh, okay. This was a common complaint. Editing. On 1/23/2018 at 7:18 AM, Mandamon said: Where does all this anger come from? I've heavily edited part one and hopefully dealt with this. For Y specifically, I think the last draft relied too much on reader familiarity with the countries mentioned and the time period. Hopefully New Draft explains a bit better. But yeah, not everyone is angry. Nick clearly isn't. I did want N's and Y's anger to be a bonding point between them though. On 1/23/2018 at 7:18 AM, Mandamon said: I'm not sure why he would throw away the first deal, and especially not then accept a much hazier deal with no contract. I think I fixed this? Maybe? On 1/23/2018 at 7:18 AM, Mandamon said: I would still imagine there would be day-to-day violence, however, if there's not an Ard. in the room. There's a timeline in the front of book one that sort of deals with this. I wasn't sure whether to revisit it in this book. Will think about this. On 1/23/2018 at 7:18 AM, Mandamon said: That sounds like an even worse deal. Have edited On 1/23/2018 at 7:18 AM, Mandamon said: --those are...strange comparisons. They're tiebacks to the first part of the chapter. Hoping this is just WRS. Thank you! On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: Wait, is he talking to N? It’s just that you said ‘murmuring to self’. Have edited. On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: my point being, the term is Lego minifigure I... have no excuse. This is the last set I put together. It's so amazing. I knew their correct names (although we call them 'minifigs' here, too). On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: Probably more than we’d think! I'm willing to bet >90% of queer space opera readers are also Lego nerds. I don't want to be crucified by my own people so... have edited. On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: Ok, he’s got a synched watch, but still… Suggestions for how to better deal with time units on an intergalactic space station? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: Still, maybe it’s just my prejudice, but it begs some huge questions that I suspect you're not going to answer*. LOL! I don't know how long English will remain the dominant language, noting how populations are changing. I grabbed another two common ones. It doesn't matter much, since we know from the books that Common replaces everything in just a few years. On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: Then you get a double whammy because of the pause. Love this! Stealing. On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: Y’s callous disregard for the environment is abhorrent to me. Fair. My whole plan for the MP crew was to have them all, even Nick (although less so than the others) be morally grey. On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: Seriously though, does his statement exclude the scantily-clad consenting ladies? Absolutely not! They're consenting, and that includes coming along to the planet. On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: but I feel there are too many questions; they get irritating after the first two, reducing the impact of the speech a little, I think. Agreed. I had issues with the end part here. Am cleaning. On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: Also, Y never felt desperate to me: perhaps that was why I didn’t feel any sympathy with his actions. It was not apparent that he had no other way out. Problematic. Editing. I think I need to lay more groundwork in part one, but maybe a bit of sweating here would help, too. On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: It’s for Y to agree, he hasn’t made a counter proposal that I could hear. This whole section has been deleted due to sucking. Hey! There's another euphemism for your chapter this week, @Robinski! On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: at the moment, from something that is puzzling Y, to something with galaxy-spanning significance. I think I fixed this? If not, hoping you'll comment on it again in the next version! On 1/24/2018 at 0:11 AM, Robinski said: but I'm hoping that you will take the suggested fixes forward I take 90% of suggestions from this board forward, especially on draft zeros! You are all very helpful, and, having recently decided to delve into the world that is lesbian SFF (not the YA stuff though), I've come to realize how truly wonderful a solid critique group is. A lot of people don't have that. A lot of them are writing in the f/f SFF genres. I am grumpy about this. Thank you for the thorough comments! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 28, 2018 Report Share Posted January 28, 2018 2 hours ago, kais said: I... have no excuse. This is the last set I put together. It's so amazing. I knew their correct names (although we call them 'minifigs' here, too). So cool! I've seen it in passing, but never zoomed in on the detail. Awesome. Down to the mirror in the bathroom. Very neat. Yes, minifies also acceptable 2 hours ago, kais said: LOL! I don't know how long English will remain the dominant language, noting how populations are changing. I grabbed another two common ones. It doesn't matter much, since we know from the books that Common replaces everything in just a few years. Yeah, it's just my stuck-in-the-mud, son-of-imperialist-pig-dogs bias showing, I'm sure. Britain used to be great, you know?! 2 hours ago, kais said: On 24/01/2018 at 8:11 AM, Robinski said: Y’s callous disregard for the environment is abhorrent to me. Fair. My whole plan for the MP crew was to have them all, even Nick (although less so than the others) be morally grey. I just never thought of him being that heartless. Towards alien beachballs who hurt his friends, sure, but towards the cradle of humanity, Mother Nature, Gaia? I'm not going to lie, it hurt a bit. I didn't think that's who he was. 2 hours ago, kais said: This whole section has been deleted due to sucking. Hey! There's another euphemism for your chapter this week, @Robinski! Lol, of course: it's the obvious flip-side of blowing, after all 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toomsta Posted January 28, 2018 Report Share Posted January 28, 2018 Hi @kais, I wanted to try and get a critique in for you since you have been so generous in replying to my work. I've had a crazy week, so I apologise that this may be a little light. Is this a story for yourself? Or are you shopping it around? Are you shopping around the full N- novels, or are they published already? Sorry, catching up a little here. Overall I"m still finding some of the mechanics of the story hard to fit together. Like trees being a precious commodity in a universe were space travel is a piece of cake (also the world peace thing too, even with the acknowledgement). However, your story has integrity, in that it doesn't contradict itself and remains consistent. So full credit where it is due. I like Y- a lot more in this second half, though from an emotional perspective I have nothing that ties me to the story. It's still a bunch of stuff that happens getting Y- from point A, to point B, and dangling the "secret" carrot. I assume from what you have said that this is the purpose of the story, so I can't complain, because that's what it does. I still think it needs an emotional hook, but that's up to you in the end. As I go: - iPads? - Would Y- know what a new paper book smelled like? - I will reflect @Robinski's note on Lego ... It is minifigure, or minifig (I too am a huge lego fan). I expect everyone, including completely made up characters in worlds that likely do not have or know of Lego, to use the correct term here - Oh you're describing the spaceport, finally, woo! - I don't especially like stories where a person does something illegal, and then finds someone who already knows what they did, has covered it up, etc, etc ... It's all just too damnation convenient.It's another version of plot armor in my humble opinion - though I will concede you do a decent job and making it fit within your universe, so, as you were. - Nice bit about world peace, though it's never explained, at least a character is like "What's up with that?" - Dangling secrets to a reader can be dangerous, especially when we can't just read the next part (I'm assuming this is a separate short story to the main story and won't have a follow on?) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted January 29, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2018 17 hours ago, Robinski said: I'm not going to lie, it hurt a bit. I didn't think that's who he was. To me, it's part of his backstory. I spend a lot of time in developing countries, and countries in some stage of armed political strife. A common theme (though there are plenty of exceptions!) is that people who grow up trying to get food on the table, a safe place to live, cultural stability, religious stability--their concern over the use of natural resources is different than those who grew up in more industrialized settings, where everything was plentiful. So in this particular instance the tree thing was, for me, more a testament to Y's background than a knock on his moral character. Of course, I failed the first time around to bring out that backstory sufficiently, so I need to rectify that! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 29, 2018 Report Share Posted January 29, 2018 (edited) 7 hours ago, kais said: To me, it's part of his backstory. I spend a lot of time in developing countries, and countries in some stage of armed political strife. A common theme (though there are plenty of exceptions!) is that people who grow up trying to get food on the table, a safe place to live, cultural stability, religious stability--their concern over the use of natural resources is different than those who grew up in more industrialized settings, where everything was plentiful. So in this particular instance the tree thing was, for me, more a testament to Y's background than a knock on his moral character. Of course, I failed the first time around to bring out that backstory sufficiently, so I need to rectify that! I'm totally happy to accept that, but I didn't even know (I don't think) that that was his type of background, so my image of him after three books was different, or possibly blank, in terms of background. I therefore probably projected my own sensibilities onto him, as a large, bearded, white bloke. Edited January 29, 2018 by Robinski 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted February 3, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2018 On 1/28/2018 at 2:13 PM, toomsta said: Is this a story for yourself? Or are you shopping it around? Are you shopping around the full N- novels, or are they published already? Sorry, catching up a little here. Hey @toomsta, I really appreciate you taking the time to give this a look over, especially since you're coming in cold! This is book four in a series. The first two are published, the third comes out in June. This group has been really helpful in my early-stage drafting, and I like to send chapters through here a few times before I subject my editor to them. On 1/28/2018 at 2:13 PM, toomsta said: Like trees being a precious commodity in a universe were space travel is a piece of cake Argh. Okay. I'm still walking the line in terms of how much backstory to give in a book of shorts about an established universe. I just don't know how likely someone is to read this book cold before reading the others, and don't want to bog down the narrative with repeat worldbuilding. I'll end up resubbing this section once I edit it, so if you have time to read it again, I'd love to know if the explanatory sentences I just put in help at all, or just make it worse. On 1/28/2018 at 2:13 PM, toomsta said: I still think it needs an emotional hook, but that's up to you in the end. Emotional hooks are important! I think I fixed this in the first half. Will see upon resub! On 1/28/2018 at 2:13 PM, toomsta said: iPads? Yup. It's only 2030. On 1/28/2018 at 2:13 PM, toomsta said: Would Y- know what a new paper book smelled like? He was born in 1985 so I'd hope so! On 1/28/2018 at 2:13 PM, toomsta said: to use the correct term here I have rectified this error. May the Lego gods never be called upon to smite me again. On 1/28/2018 at 2:13 PM, toomsta said: especially when we can't just read the next part Is it any better that you can read the next part? By the time this is published, the entire trilogy will be out! Thank you so much for your time and comments! On 1/29/2018 at 0:10 AM, Robinski said: that that was his type of background, so my image of him after three books was different, or possibly blank, in terms of background This is entirely my fault, and something I am trying to rectify in this short. I've added quite a bit to it, and hope to resub it soon. I look forward to you comments, especially in this area! On 1/29/2018 at 0:10 AM, Robinski said: I therefore probably projected my own sensibilities onto him, as a large, bearded, white bloke. I mean, Yorden is a large, bearded, white bloke, so that makes total sense! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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