Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Robinski

Robinski - 180109 - TCC Chapter 2 - 4073 words (L)

15 posts in this topic

Not much to say specifically. Any comments that you may have will be most welcome. Usual stuff; flow, entertainment, typos, whatever.

One thing I am trying to concentrate on this time around is chapter arcs, so you might watch out for that.

Cheers, Robinski

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Overall, I quite enjoyed reading this one. You might be able to do something else with the first page or so to make it less...recap-y, but I understand why you do it. Sometimes it's easier just to dump everything in there so it doesn't take up space later.

The rest of this is good. I was almost going to make a comment about the action lagging, but every time I almost got to that point, you put in another twist. In all, not a whole lot happens in this chapter besides Q&M deciding to take the job, but I really enjoy the banter and (gasp) character development between them.

Excited to read more!


Notes while reading:

pg 1-2: A bit of a previous book infodump here. You could probably space it out more to make it a little more subtle.

pg 4: "You know the only things I hate more than travelling are…”
“Surprise!”
--lol

pg 5: The top of this page is a really good description of Q&M's relationship.

pg 6: "foiling a plot to invade Iceland?”
--also lol

pg 7: I want to stay in that hotel...

pg 9: I like that several of the jobs have good story potential. Makes it hard to predict which one they'll choose.

pg 14: ok, the Shakespeare comparisons are awesome.

pg 15: and a nice ending to the chapter.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This was a fun chapter to read, even though nothing much happens plot-wise it was great seeing Q. and M. in a normal situation together, just interacting.

 

Recaps: Not a fan of the recapping of the previous book to be honest. It kind of takes me out of the narrative of the scene. I get why it’s there, being the second book and all, and most sequels do a short recap of what came before, but I wonder if it’s really necessary to have that information at the start at all.

For old readers it’s either redundant (if they still remember) and if they don’t quite remember and you want to jog their memory you can probably go with less information (such as M. is Q.’s ward, rust happened in Milan, and now they’re tied together). And for new readers the information won’t really mean much at this point, since they’re still getting to know the characters and by giving them less information from the previous book you can incentivize them to buy the first book to find out what happened to get these characters together, rather than spoil the book in a few paragraphs here.

 

Interaction: I really like the interaction between M. and Q., they work really well together.

 

Androids: Nice, having the android tell M. that she was wrong calling the wolves androids. I think that was one of the comments I made with the previous submission of chapter one, so having M. be corrected in story is really cathartic.

 

Options: There are some cool jobs on that list of theirs. Wouldn’t mind reading a story with them doing one of those jobs either :)

 

Page 10: Typo: Campaingers instead of campaigners.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Overall

Much enjoyed! The middle sagged just a bit, but I think if you cut some of the recap at the start that would take care of it. The usually grumbles below. Nicely done!

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I like that several of the jobs have good story potential.

YES! And made it all the more frustrating when they didn't choose the jobs I was the most interested in!

 

As I go

- I actually think just the first backstory paragraph is fine. The stuff after probably isn't necessary, and without it I think it would serve as a decent hook for new readers!

- LOL! Yes, androids staring at walls WOULD weird people out!

- page four- we already got a description of M's hair, but you haven't given either M or Q a skin tone description yet I don't think.

- page five: yeah, here we get the whys of M's attachment to Q again, and much more succinctly, so I think the beginning stuff could definitely be cut

- page five: eeehhhh, this characterization of the ex wife, being brought up against M, is reading a little too saint vs. slut trope (it must have a different name on TV Tropes, because I can't find it). I think the only thing you'd need to fix it would to be more specific about his gripes with the ex, and maybe find one he could share with M. Ex: His ex had wiped his bank account clean and lied to his face about where all her shiny new sports cars were coming from (make sure she doesn't spend the money on something horrifically cliche, like a man or makeup or clothes, cause then it's still a bad trope thing). At least when M lied she was stabbing someone else in the back. Also he could probably grow to like it. Maybe. He'd calmed down a lot since his marriage.

you've got an extra semi colon on page seven "...mean it wasn't;..."

- Disney has a planet? Can I go? Please? You know what's scary? I can totally see Disney having a planet.

- page eight: OMG I so do not want the professor to be a love interest. I want her and Q to end up being best buds who wingman for each other as they try to suss out sexualities. Pleeeeeeeeease let this be a thing! There is so much gold here my stomach is flipping.

- oh boo. The professor is already out. Drat

- our waitress on page eleven doesn't have skin tone descriptors, either

- page thirteen: Did Q just... pseudo-tone police M? "don't curse' is right up there with 'you should smile more and people would respond better to you' in the catalogue of 'douchey things men say to girls and women that one of these days women are going to stab them in the eye for."

- the tying to Shakespeare is great!

- oooh, good end line!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, thanks for reading, Mandamon,

(Every time I see your avatar, I remember I have to go a watch you reading Seeds chapters to me!! Must get to that! What an awesome idea :) )

On 09/01/2018 at 4:04 PM, Mandamon said:

The rest of this is good. I was almost going to make a comment about the action lagging, but every time I almost got to that point, you put in another twist. In all, not a whole lot happens in this chapter besides Q&M deciding to take the job, but I really enjoy the banter and (gasp) character development between them.

Excited to read more!

I'm really excited by your comments, because several of these things are things that I was actually trying to achieve!!! Like I did something good on purpose. Woop, woop!! :D 

On 09/01/2018 at 4:04 PM, Mandamon said:

A bit of a previous book infodump here.

Right, I'll attend to that. Although reassured that it nearly worked.

On 09/01/2018 at 4:04 PM, Mandamon said:

I want to stay in that hotel...

Lol. If Disney ever did that, I'd be onto them for royalties. I even looked on GMaps for sites where they might be able to put a resort. Engineers just can't not do that stuff.

On 09/01/2018 at 4:04 PM, Mandamon said:

I like that several of the jobs have good story potential. Makes it hard to predict which one they'll choose.

Soooo pleased that worked for you. It was one of my deliberate ploys. The previous version of this chapter had no arc, and I realised it was because there was only one case option and Q already had decided to take it at the start of the chapter. Then, when I was trying to add tension and 'action' I realised that the choice of case could/should be the arc, and therefore added the options and the warning at the end :D #feelinglikeawriter

On 09/01/2018 at 4:04 PM, Mandamon said:

ok, the Shakespeare comparisons are awesome.

This actually was quite ridiculous. I realised that I should have Ggld the character names, and when I did, discovered that M was 'real' (sort of)!! But when I read into the character, I practically fell off my chair when I discovered her boss was one of Q's ancestors (obvs). I'm going to need you guys to testify on my behalf if I get taken to court by Graham and Marjory Shakespeare (wonder if Willie has descendants?) in some kind of copyright case.

Many, many thanks for reading. Some good fixes there and great encouragement.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Robinski said:

Every time I see your avatar, I remember I have to go a watch you reading Seeds chapters to me!!

The guys who filmed and produced it are amazing. The owner takes karate from me, so I got an "in." ;-)

I was wondering about the Shakespeare quotes. They seemed almost too good to be true, like you had based the original characters around them back at the beginning of the first book. But I'll definitely have your back against Graham and Marjory! *shakes fist*

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry, I'm having some ongoing fatigue issues so this will be short.

I agree that the first recap feels a bit shoehorned in; the second does similar work in a smoother way.

I think it's the combination of "would respect you more" with "civil tongue" that comes off as cringeworthy. It's perilously close to "people would like you better if you smiled more." or like "We believe women who don't wear makeup look less professional (and that's why we're not hiring you)." It feels like a bit of a non sequitur, too, which doesn't help. Q can certainly want M to clean up her language, but phrasing it like that doesn't seem to really fit his character or the convo they're having. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, really chuffed to have you reading this Asmodemon. Thank you!

On 09/01/2018 at 8:12 PM, Asmodemon said:

This was a fun chapter to read, even though nothing much happens plot-wise it was great seeing Q. and M. in a normal situation together, just interacting.

<does Snoopy's happy dance>

On 09/01/2018 at 8:12 PM, Asmodemon said:

Not a fan of the recapping of the previous book to be honest.

On 09/01/2018 at 8:12 PM, Asmodemon said:

you can probably go with less information

Yeah, it's not really fun writing it, feels like an obligation. I too see the need, for new readers as well as previous ones. I think maybe I'm just not very good at it for one thing, as I've never actually done it before! I will work on it. I think your suggestion there is the way to go. Pare it back. I try to do that now when I'm fixing comments from your guys, not rip the whole thing to pieces, but make small changes, to see if a little is enough to solve the problem. That way, a bigger change can always be made in the next edit if there is till a problem.

On 09/01/2018 at 8:12 PM, Asmodemon said:

I really like the interaction between M. and Q., they work really well together.

Awesome! It was one of the criticisms of TMM (rightly so) that there was insufficient QM 'on screen' together in the second half, or certainly the ending. I kind of think this story might well be stronger than the first for this very reason, that hopefully I've figured out (with invaluable help) how to write them. Although, meetings and 'getting-to-know-you's can be awkward anyway, I guess.

On 09/01/2018 at 8:12 PM, Asmodemon said:

Wouldn’t mind reading a story with them doing one of those jobs either :)

Ha-ha. I feel a between books novella coming on :lol: 

On 09/01/2018 at 8:12 PM, Asmodemon said:

Campaingers instead of campaigners.

Really? Why so? I'm not averse to capitalisation, but I'm not quite seeing this one.

Really helpful comments. Thank you so much.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Robinski said:

Really? Why so?

I think it's the typo and not the capitalization? I could be seeing things too. It's been that kind of day.

campaiNGers vs campaiGNers

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I agree that the first recap feels a bit shoehorned in; the second does similar work in a smoother way.

I think it's the combination of "would respect you more" with "civil tongue" that comes off as cringeworthy. It's perilously close to "people would like you better if you smiled more." or like "We believe women who don't wear makeup look less professional (and that's why we're not hiring you)." It feels like a bit of a non sequitur, too, which doesn't help. Q can certainly want M to clean up her language, but phrasing it like that doesn't seem to really fit his character or the convo they're having. 

Thanks ID, hope you get your 'pep' back soon :) 

And yes, thank you, I see it now. Campaingers :(, campaigners :)          Thanks, @Asmodemon

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12-1-2018 at 8:51 AM, Robinski said:

And yes, thank you, I see it now. Campaingers :(, campaigners :)          Thanks, @Asmodemon

Yeah, it was the typo :)

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry I missed this, but I wanted to read it before chapter 3. Sorry it's brief!

Overall

Yes, well done, onto chapter 3 now knowing what's happening.

I agree with others, the middle sags. I think chapter 2 is still a place to keep things moving - don't slow down until you're comfortable the reader is hooked.

As I go:

- is "blingy" the word, or is it "Blinged", or "Blinged up", or "Baller" instead? ... Just "Blingy" doesn't sound right.

- "filigreed"? Hmm ... Is that a tad pretentious? Maybe, it's meant to be...

- Could Eighty interject a little more? So when both Q- and M- hold their hands up to quiet him, it has a little more impact?

- "Phoneface" ... yeah, umm, your version of facetime needs work :)

- I'll confess, for chapter 2, it's a little bit much where not much happens. Granted, different books have different styles, but for me personally, I want a little more momentum.

 

 

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, toomsta, thanks for the comment, much appreciated. Nothing wrong with brief :) 

6 hours ago, toomsta said:

don't slow down until you're comfortable the reader is hooked

Good advice. I'll need to ponder on how I would do that. Which I will do!

6 hours ago, toomsta said:

"Blingy" doesn't sound right

Hmm, okay. Will see how it reads in the next edit.

6 hours ago, toomsta said:

Is that a tad pretentious?

I hope so! That's Q all over, but maybe it's less clear here when you haven't read TMM (the first book).

6 hours ago, toomsta said:

Could Eighty interject a little more?

I dare say it could. I'll happily inject some more interjections.

6 hours ago, toomsta said:

bit much where not much happens. Granted, different books have different styles, but for me personally, I want a little more momentum.

Yes, okay. I wonder if it's working better for those who are familiar with Q and M, and less well for those who are not. Excellent comment, thank you.

So are they all excellent comments. Thank you!! :) 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, toomsta said:

yeah, umm, your version of facetime needs work :)

Lol. There's a trend (from Book 1) of social-media being given unprepossessing pseudonyms, like: Fameb**k, (a rude word like Twitter, but with an 'a' in it)*, and Insta-grin. It's not really supposed to be a plausible alternative, just plain old satire :lol: 

 

*(Apologies, oh great and powerful Admin One, please forgive this puny human for his earlier transgression, which was not intended to be malicious.)

Edited by Robinski
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, Robinski said:

Lol. There's a trend (from Book 1) of social-media being given unprepossessing pseudonyms, like: Fameb**k, (a rude word like Twitter, but with an 'a' in it)*, and Insta-grin. It's not really supposed to be a plausible alternative, just plain old satire :lol: 

 

*(Apologies, oh great and powerful Admin One, please forgive this puny human for his earlier transgression, which was not intended to be malicious.)

Carry on then good sir, carry on

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.