Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Robinski

Robinski - 180101 - TCC Chapter 1 - 3167 words (L)

20 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hey folks,

A very Happy New Year to you all.

Here is the first chapter of my current project, TCC, which is Book 2 and sequel to the last novel that I submitted over 16 separate weeks on RE. Some of you will have read TMM, some will not, an I will value your comments equally and very highly, of course!

So, any and all comment very welcome. If the old hands feel there is something missing or not explained from previously, that would be very valuable. If the Q&M newcomers pick up references that don't land because of not having read that first one, that's important to know, although I do not necessary believe that a complete retread of every note of Book 1 is necessary.

LANGUAGE WARNING: One of the characters is a bit sweary--make that a lot sweary, but it's okay, she's a 14-year-old girl.

Many thanks for your consideration.

Robinski

Edited by Robinski
Well, there you go. That's my first instance of getting the date totally wrong. Didn't take long...
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And... please do not use on this forum the unique / proper names for tech or characters that are mentioned in the story.

i.e. I'd prefer if you abbreviate to Q and M. Obvs if a character is called 'Dave' than that's fine :)   Place names too are fairly rare, so if you could avoid using them that would be super.

Sorry for the hassle :D 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Sorry for the hassle

Which reminds me - since you're on sub now I'd suggest having @Silk delete all your old TMM posts, just to be safe.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Off Topic: Sometimes, when I'm tired but have to edit various Ard things and whatnot, I pick myself up by reading one of the Q/Mag shorts, and it always brings a smile to my face.

 

Overall

This was an absolute delight. M was on point, the tension was good, and there was plenty of backstory without info dump. I'd like to have seen a bit more of the dandy in Q in the intro, maybe picking at the chair upholstery or thinking about how the other guy's pants fit or something, to ground us in the 'competent finery' angle of Q, but everything else (baring the comments below) was just perfect. I want these Q&M stories on my shelf now, please and thank you (f-face!).

 

As I go

- page three: shouldn't it be 'eight', not 'eighty'? Or is Q being cute?

- lot of Canada climate rage here. I get that.

- a reminder to spell out numbers

- page five: M seems to suddenly have a good head for numbers. Has she always had this? These are some very specific distances. At fourteen, and having had a mouth on me much like M, the only reason I knew the length of 6" versus a foot was because those were the lengths Subway sandwiches came in. And I'm a freaking carpenter now. 

- page six: I think we might need a bit more about the gadget that stops the fake wolves before it is deployed. I had to reread three times to figure out what had happened, and that she depressed a button. I'll also add, although this is just me being nitpicky, that wolf attacks always drag me from a narrative because they're just not a thing that happens. I know they are 100% fairy tale fodder, and they're so common in cultural stories than no one questions them, but actual wolves just don't behave like this. Android wolves could be entirely different, of course, but real wolves would not care at all about a young girl near a residence, unless there was den she was nearby. And hello from the future! I see a footnote to explain the zapper. Definitely put that in text, in M's thoughts. It'd be great!

- For the Inuit v. Eskimo v. other options debate, I think I finally found a good source of explanation (and you're choice appears to be correct).

- page eight: the flirting question. I'd love to see Q have a little thrill run down his spine or something before dismissing it. Nail that landing! We're all here for delightfully uptight, bisexual Q and his foul-mouthed companion

- of course M thought a mustache was a good disguise. I love her

- Tom Selleck jokes are always on point

- page 11 has me laughing loudly

- I just... can't...laughing...too hard... f- face....

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Overall

I think M-'s part needs a little bit of work, though don't change too much because it's still good. I agree with @kais about the wolves. I didn't find them terribly interesting, maybe that's because of how simply M- ends up dealing with them. Q- on the other hand was perfect, a really good opening chapter, despite not having read the first novel. Again however, the name, the second word, yeah I still don't quite know how to pronounce it. 

Thoughts as I go:

- If M- enhanced in some way? How does he know the bank is exactly 40-degree's? And that it's "9.81ms -2 of Earth gravity"? Is there a reason for the specific measurements?

- "Right then, it started to snow again." - The story just began, so can it snow again? The first line of the story says the sky was clear, where did the snow come from?

- Yeah, love M- 

- Yeah, ok, too many specific measurements ... 200cm high, 32cm reach, $179 super-gloves.

- Why use footnotes? Add that to the text itself.

- "was gasping as the uncurled herself," as she ... There's a couple of these through-out, no doubt you'll find and fix.

- I'd work on the resolution to the wolves. It was over so fast despite the build up, I had to read it twice to work out what happened. Also, if she has a N—P and thinks to use it, does she expect the wolves are androids? If that's the case, she wouldn't be worried at all, would she? 

- The dialogue between Q- and G- is great, top notch.

- Tom Selleck... Yes. Please tell me he's revered in pop culture like the Hoff, is Magnum P.I. shown endlessly on whatever is the equivalent of TV in this world?

- Good ending, well done.

 

Edited by toomsta
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for the comments :) I'll come back to you on these tomorrow.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, kais said:

I pick myself up by reading one of the Q/Mag shorts, and it always brings a smile to my face.

OMG :D - I've sort of been saving them, but will go back sometime, but I love knowing they are there. (In-house secret :P)

15 hours ago, kais said:

ground us in the 'competent finery' angle

Done.

15 hours ago, kais said:

shouldn't it be 'eight', not 'eighty'

Ah, now, this is a change to the end of TMM. X-xxx8, became X-xxx8a, if you remember, so 'Eighty' is the corresponding nickname of the new model.

15 hours ago, kais said:

a reminder to spell out numbers

I've spelled out more of them; all but the complex ones, like 9.81, and the years. I'm always conflicted about this.

15 hours ago, kais said:

the only reason I knew the length of 6" versus a foot was because those were the lengths Subway sandwiches came in. And I'm a freaking carpenter now

:lol:       She now has data from her smartlenses via link to her handset.

15 hours ago, kais said:

Android wolves could be entirely different, of course

Yes, but I need to call it out. Thanks! I will rework.

16 hours ago, kais said:

you're choice appears to be correct

Yeah. We went through this when first I subbed this chapter back in June. But thanks!!

16 hours ago, kais said:

Nail that landing!

I've tried to do that.

16 hours ago, kais said:

I just... can't...laughing...too hard... f- face...

Purrrrrrrfect :D 

15 hours ago, kais said:

I want these Q&M stories on my shelf now, please and thank you

:lol:  I'm doing my best here!!!

Thank you so much for commenting. It's such a buzz getting good feedback. Never underestimate the value of positive reinforcement.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Good chapter--similar comments to the others. You'll see my notes stop at pg 9, as I was enjoying the chaos too much. I love the armchair bursting into flame!

5 hours ago, Robinski said:
22 hours ago, kais said:

I pick myself up by reading one of the Q/Mag shorts, and it always brings a smile to my face.

OMG :D - I've sort of been saving them, but will go back sometime, but I love knowing they are there. (In-house secret :P)

I need to read those again--they're too good!

 

You get pretty quickly into Q&M in action, which is always great to see. My two main complaints were

1) the NEMP shows up with little explanation (which I think is the same complaint @kais and @toomsta had about the wolves), and

2) it almost seems like there's a chapter before this. Not sure why I think that--maybe there are too many references to Q&M meeting people? But I think putting anything before this would drag it down, so maybe (*prescriptive*) take out some of the revelation of why Q is there and let the action (and flirting?) speak for itself? Have Q meet his employers later to explain what he was doing?
Not sure. I'd have to see the next few chapters (which I'm sure I will, in a few weeks...)

Notes while reading:
pg 3: I like the "action italics." I can hear Moth's sarcasm.

pg 4: the recap infodump is a little too obvious--could tone it down a little.

pg 5: the exact measurements don't really help me--much more illustrative to say the fence was above Moth's head.

pg 6: Is there setup that she has the N--P? Otherwise it's a bit of a deus ex machina.

pg 9: "had deployed the N--P, or the telescopic-click-together-and-twist-to-size laser gateway,"
--Hmm...this might better come before we see Moth using one of them?

Edited by Mandamon
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey toomsta, really chuffed to have your comments :) 

19 hours ago, toomsta said:

I agree with @kais about the wolves. I didn't find them terribly interesting

Yeah, I'll buy that. It was the biggest problem first time and it's not yet fixed. I've had another go.

19 hours ago, toomsta said:

Is M- enhanced in some way?

Not permanently, but I've given her smart lenses linked to her handset. Thanks for flagging that, as others have too. That needed a fix.

19 hours ago, toomsta said:

Why use footnotes? Add that to the text itself.

Yeah. Fixed that in the first book, but not here before submitting.

19 hours ago, toomsta said:

Right then, it started to snow again.

I felt this was a call back to things that happened before the story started. Maybe that doesn't work, for atmosphere.

19 hours ago, toomsta said:

does she expect the wolves are androids?

Thanks, yeah, I've tried to tidy this up by reviewing M's whole POV there.

19 hours ago, toomsta said:

The dialogue between Q- and G- is great, top notch.

Awesome, thanks :D

19 hours ago, toomsta said:

Tom Selleck... Yes.

I hope so, love Magnum P.I. - almost as much as I love The Rockford Files, but Jimbo was the first tec that I discovered, so he is original and best, for me.

So pleased that you found some good stuff in there. Thanks so much for reading, toomsta.

p.s. Can I trouble you to edit your post and abbreviate the reference to N--P, please? Ta.

:) 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Man, thank you for reading again, much appreciated.

3 hours ago, Mandamon said:

it almost seems like there's a chapter before this. Not sure why I think that--maybe there are too many references... But I think putting anything before this would drag it down... Have Q meet his employers later to explain what he was doing?

Hmm, I was going for 'in late, out early'. Maybe overdid it a bit. I'll think on that.

3 hours ago, Mandamon said:

the recap infodump is a little too obvious--could tone it down a little

Have done so.

Also, I have edited the whole sequence for references to the N--P and her run in with the wolves. (Would you mind terribly editing your reference to the N--P?) Actually, I just G--gled us and there is a thing called a Nuclear EMP, so probably I will need to change mine anyway.

Really appreciate the great comments. Thanks!

:) 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Finally getting caught up, yay!

 

"snowtex" Thank you for the extra letter :3

"(long story)" not sure how I feel about the parentheticals. They might be putting a bit too fine a point on the section, especially since it's supposed to be an internal monologue and I don't know, for me at least, I don't tell myself "it's a long story. I'll tell you about it later."

"slough, slough, sloughing" -- Sough? Slough i thought was for things that slide off like dead skin, or, like, slogging through something. Sough is the one about wind or breath, yes?

"Take that android" Agree with the others that the wolves still need some work, but love that last line. Nailed it! :)

The part of me that spent 4+ years in art school wants to quibble about the formatting of names of the paintings, but the info's all understandable so, eh, whatevs. ;)

". Idiots and conmen" No one understands modern art, and yet, it was vitally important in its time... ;)

It didn't feel to me to be "jumping in too much in the middle," but then I've read v1, so take that fwiw. 

This was a very fun read. A bit more work on the wolf section and I think you've got it. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 01/01/2018 at 0:25 PM, kais said:

Which reminds me - since you're on sub now I'd suggest having @Silk delete all your old TMM posts, just to be safe.

I can do if you'd like, just say the word :)

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, ID - thank you for reading. Sorry, I was slow on the response there.

On 03/01/2018 at 4:40 PM, industrialistDragon said:

not sure how I feel about the parentheticals

Hmm, okay. I think you are 1-of-4 to mention this, so I'll let it ride for the moment, see how far I get down the road in future drafts, but thanks for raising.

On 03/01/2018 at 4:40 PM, industrialistDragon said:

slough, slough, sloughing

Yup, I've changed it. Good spot. Wrong word entirely.

On 03/01/2018 at 4:40 PM, industrialistDragon said:

The part of me that spent 4+ years in art school wants to quibble about the formatting of names of the paintings

Oh, please do quibble. I love it when you quibble ;)   And I want it to be closer to right than it probably is at the moment.

On 03/01/2018 at 4:40 PM, industrialistDragon said:

it was vitally important in its time

These are the opinions of Monsieur G. and do not necessarily represent the views of the author. Some modern art intrigues me, makes me think, helps me see the world in a different ways. Some of it however, is just sensationalist taxidermy, with a plausible-sounding cover story, imho.

Thank you so much for the comments!!

:) 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 04/01/2018 at 2:42 AM, Silk said:

I can do if you'd like, just say the word :)

Thank you, Silk. I just feel so attached to all those 'hard' weeks of submission and revision. Let me come back to you on that.

Minor trumpet blowing; I just finished catching up with Writing Excuses, after about 3 years (I think), so have just now started going through the Dave Farland Writing Tips emails that I've been received now for about 2.3 years. I have 153 to catch up on!! The funny thing is, it made me thing how TMM can be better still (which I knew in my water) even as I pressed the 'submit' button to the Open Door. I guess "no project is ever finished", as they say, but a small part of me hopes that they don't accept it!!! :rolleyes:

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5-1-2018 at 9:24 PM, Robinski said:

Thank you, Silk. I just feel so attached to all those 'hard' weeks of submission and revision. Let me come back to you on that.

You could also save those old TMM threads to your hard drive, so even if you decide to have them deleted you'll still have a copy as a memento :)

 

Bit late to the party on this one, but I remember it fondly from the last time you submitted it. It does read a lot better than last time, but I agree with the others that there are still some rough spots.

 

Wolves: M. identifies the sound she heard as breathing. Why would androids need to breath? Also, not really feeling the tension there, given the fact that M. has a weapon ready for the occasion is very convenient, but not very exciting.

 

Dutch: It's a nitpick, and I noticed this the last time around too, but forgot to mention it, but why did you name the referenced Dutchman 'van der P.' P. is not really a Dutch name.  

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, thanks for the comments Asmodemon, much appreciate! Good points too, thank you. I shall address.

:) 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/5/2018 at 2:13 PM, Robinski said:

Oh, please do quibble. I love it when you quibble

Comment on how stupid my life has been this week, I completely missed this! I am absolutely nerd enough to talk about citation formats!

So, my brain is saying [Name of artist], "[title of work]," [medium or location completed if needed], [year completed]. 

example: Yves Klein, "IKB 79," acrylic on gessoed board, 1959. (PS i'm making that up because i'm really tired so that's like super wrong. (but also IKB is an awesome color and I love it))  And after that, any subsequent referrals in text would just be [title or short title], [ year if needed (like if they have 8 installations named Cathedral or something and you need to differentiate)]

MLA style has it [name of artist], [work title]. [years worked on/completion date], [medium and current location information].

APA is weird for full cites, but also agrees that in-text short cites after the first are italicized title or short title.

CMS redid their website since I last checked there and I ran out of spoons to go unearth it, but my guess is it'll be similar to APA, but without APA's love of brackets. I'd go with MLA, and drop the medium and location info. So, tldr: just, like, italicize the painting title and you're gold. :/ 

 

On 1/5/2018 at 2:13 PM, Robinski said:

Some of it however, is just sensationalist taxidermy, with a plausible-sounding cover story, imho.

lol, not gonna argue there... XD 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

I am absolutely nerd enough to talk about citation formats!

Perfect, thank you!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 04/01/2018 at 2:42 AM, Silk said:

I can do if you'd like, just say the word :)

Hey @Silk, one thing you could do for me, if it's not a bother, is to delete the thread tagged 'tcc' from June, 6th 2017. I was checking into the 'Dutch' name that we were discussing there and half of only 8 Ggle returns were associated with that post!!

Edited by Robinski
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/01/2018 at 11:41 PM, Robinski said:

Hey @Silk, one thing you could do for me, if it's not a bother, is to delete the thread tagged 'tcc' from June, 6th 2017. I was checking into the 'Dutch' name that we were discussing there and half of only 8 Ggle returns were associated with that post!!

Done!

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.