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Robinski

Robinski - 171219 - TMM, Chapter 3 - 2819 words (L)

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Hey everyone,

Any comments at all will be much appreciated, thank you. Just whatever you feel.

Your views will be particularly appreciated if you are a first time reader, as this is the second time I've submitted TMM to RE.

If you missed the first week because you are a new member, I'd be happy to email you the first submission from last week.

Best, Robinski 

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Overall

I love Moth, as always. The general storyline is fine, with some comments below. The only real problem I saw was that there doesn't seem to be an arc to this chapter, either. It has the start of one, but I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop when the end came. It feels like we're missing the last page or two, with the something happened and now we have building tension step. The easiest thing to do would be to have Moth think on how she needs to escape the android to make the delivery, and have her question how to do that (as that would tie in with the start of the chapter). Then have her try to escape doing something particularly destructive or dangerous, and leave the chapter with something like 'that stupid android had better not follow her' or something more colorful. That would give us tension and a hook to keep reading, too!

Looking forward to next week!

 

As I go

- I love Moth, but this isn't the most rousing of intros. Could she be doing something borderline illegal or maybe just mischievous? Maybe defacing the stonework or peeing on a bush or... I don't know. Smoking?

- I think this chapter should start at the 'A crumpled tissue' line, as that is where the action starts. It's a stronger section, too, because of the semen innuendo

- typo on tissue on page six

- An ice cream calzone sounds awful.

- The aunt relents to let Moth go into this very dangerous situation, very easily. I feel like it would be more interesting if Moth had to work for it more

Warm evenings full of summer dresses and... You are so close to really nailing this line! I think you need another adjective for the summer dresses. They're....airy, fun, light, carefree, colorful, freeing, etc. 

- Moth quip on page eight. Oh, how I've missed Moth

- I have a deep concern about a lacquer that is still offgasing after years, unless this is a refinished panel? 

- feels like we're missing a beat at the end

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Hey--I agree with @kais! Imagine that...

I actually didn't write anything down while reading this. I remember it as very similar to last time. It flowed smoothly, though the first page was a little slow, and I was on page 9 before I knew it. But then there's the "so what" moment at the end. We just learn M is going to start counseling. There's not a lot of tension buildup. If her aunt had more to say, and it tied in with why M went to the mother superior, it would give a little more tension at least.

And yes, ice cream calzone is a terrible idea.

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22 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I actually didn't write anything down while reading this.

Er, same.  >_>; This is basically a RAEBNC and some after-thoughts...  

Honestly I didn't even notice the slow start either, but thinking on it since @kais pointed it out, it does take a bit to really get going. Moth gardening was nice, though.  I like the call-out to the dead drop from Quirk's chapter, and I kind of felt that was the point of this one, so I wasn't as bothered by the lack of a chapter arc. But, since it's been brought up, yeah, a bit more of a trajectory would probably help things.

I've been thinking about the chapter order thing again, and leading with quirk's chapter, then one of the callan POVs for a spacer, then Moth, and that doesn't seem too bad at all! Of course, that's three POVs still in that all-important 50 page window, so maybe two quirk, one spacer, then moth? Would kick Moth out of the intro, probably, but it takes the POV count down. I'm not sure quirk-quirk-moth would flow quite right...

Anyway, sorry this is mostly just blather this time around. 

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58 minutes ago, industrialistDragon said:

quirk-quirk-moth

GOOSE!

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Thanks everyone. very much appreciated. I'll get back to yous in detail, but wanted to sign in and... say thanks!

On 20/12/2017 at 5:35 AM, kais said:

An ice cream calzone sounds awful.

On 20/12/2017 at 11:52 PM, Mandamon said:

And yes, ice cream calzone is a terrible idea.

I know, right?!

On 21/12/2017 at 10:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Anyway, sorry this is mostly just blather this time around.

Even your blather is very helpful ;) 

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On 21/12/2017 at 11:18 PM, Mandamon said:

GOOSE!

:lol:

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Hey kais, thank you so much for reading.

On 20/12/2017 at 5:35 AM, kais said:

Could she be doing something borderline illegal or maybe just mischievous? Maybe defacing the stonework or peeing on a bush or... I don't know. Smoking?

I take your point, but my concern would be not to make her seem like a caricature of a wayward teen. I'm hoping that she is something more, or at least different.

On 20/12/2017 at 5:35 AM, kais said:

Then have her try to escape doing something particularly destructive or dangerous, and leave the chapter with something like 'that stupid android had better not follow her' or something more colorful.

Well, wouldn't you know it? I just found 563 words in my back pocket, and have added an exciting conclusion to the chapter!! Thanks for that: good suggestion.

On 20/12/2017 at 5:35 AM, kais said:

The aunt relents to let Moth go into this very dangerous situation, very easily.

I've added another 'try/fail' in this conversation, which enabled me to get another bit of background in there :) 

On 20/12/2017 at 5:35 AM, kais said:

They're....airy, fun, light, carefree, colorful, freeing, etc. 

I went for 'floating'.

On 20/12/2017 at 5:35 AM, kais said:

Moth quip on page eight. Oh, how I've missed Moth

:D

Thank you again, great comments!

 

Edited by Robinski
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Many thanks for reading, Mand, much appreciated.

On 20/12/2017 at 11:52 PM, Mandamon said:

...and I was on page 9 before I knew it.

Excellent :D (I think.)

On 20/12/2017 at 11:52 PM, Mandamon said:

But then there's the "so what" moment at the end.

Yup, I've fixed that. :ph34r: I know it's rather cheeky but, as I'm going to sit back from submitting after I get TMM off to Angry Robot (I think), I'm going to stick my neck out and message you the additional text that I've added to the chapter. Feel free not to comment though, because it really is quite cheeky of me...

Thank you :)

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Hey ID, thanks for reading.

On 21/12/2017 at 10:19 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I've been thinking about the chapter order thing again... that doesn't seem too bad at all!

I've moved Cal's chapter back so that we start with Q, then M's chapters. So, it's 35 pages of Q & M before the 3rd POV appears. I think that's the closest I can get to avoiding POV overexposure.

I also hope that I've improved Moth's first chapter with a better conclusion.

Submitting to Angry Robot tomorrow, I think. Although, I'm still confident I can make the story better. Arrggh. Oh well, nothing ventured, etc.

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