Revision - Rowan Tal'morra, A1 - TKWade - 9/18/17 - 3,302 words - (V,L)

[TKWade]

In this revision, I tried to slide the MC's competency slider a bit higher and by doing so I am hoping to also make him a bit more sympathetic.

I also tried increasing the stakes by giving him a more concrete background and need.

Let me know if these things worked well or didn't. 

Thank you for taking the time to read

[rdpulfer]

- I'm actually of the opposite mind - a lower competency makes a character more sympathetic, at least in my mind, unless he/she somehow uses that competency in a way the audience finds sympathetic.

- I agree you've made the stakes more concrete, but I think it might be good to reinforce that. Try sprinkling in these memories of his old life and what's keeping him away through the story so readers can pick up on it easier.

- Overall, it's a good story. The ending feels a bit abrupt and vague to me, but I think it's a good start.  

[TKWade]

Quote

- I'm actually of the opposite mind - a lower competency makes a character more sympathetic, at least in my mind, unless he/she somehow uses that competency in a way the audience finds sympathetic.

I think this is true if you're in a situation where you're taking someone who is competent in one aspect and moving them into a situation where they are not as competent. In my original piece, R was incompetent almost to the point of stupidity, so I wanted to adjust that by showing/telling that he was competent in one area, like blacksmithing, but maybe not so competent in the area of smuggling or lawbreaking.
 

10 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

- I agree you've made the stakes more concrete, but I think it might be good to reinforce that. Try sprinkling in these memories of his old life and what's keeping him away through the story so readers can pick up on it easier.

 Good idea. I'll try to find little tid bits to drop here and there in a couple more places about his professional background and his desires/passion to continue that profession.

10 hours ago, rdpulfer said:

- Overall, it's a good story. The ending feels a bit abrupt and vague to me, but I think it's a good start. 

In the previous version, it was suggested that I may have been giving too much away at the end leaving the readers questioning where it came from, the magical aspect of it, so I tried to sort cut it at a point where it wasn't so advert that there was a magical presence involved, leaving that for that for the beginning of the next act. We'll see if it works well or not. I may have to change it back.

@rdpulfer Thank you for taking the time to read! I really appreciate it!

 

[kais]

Since I've already read this once, I'm just going to read it through entirely, and give you a breakdown of my thoughts after.

Things that stood out

Why did he put the amulet on the table? Isn't it contraband or something? If the rune is the contraband and not the amulet, that should be made clear earlier. And how did they notice the ruin if it was hidden? I don't understand enough about how priests work for this to make sense, so it seems just like author convenience right now. I still don't really understand the Warren thing, and I while I care a bit more for our lead now that he has some depth, the stakes aren't high (and therefore the ending not satisfying) because I don't know much about the world yet. I think expanding the dialogue between MC and our mysterious woman might actually help, and would be a good place for more backstory. 

I do think the trims you made to the end are better, and the bit more on character building helped. You have a reasonable scaffold, at this point, of a chapter, and what needs to happen now is stretching and filling in. Nice work!

[ICanDream]

How do I view the chapter? I can't work it out

sorry if I'm being stupid

[TKWade]

@ICanDream Are you a part of the email group for Reading Excuses? These works are submitted via email to a distribution group. If you haven't been added to this list you can request it in the Email List and Submission Dates thread that is pinned to the top of the Reading Excuses sub-forum. Let me know if you have any issues. You may also be able to request it via private msg to @Robinski.

If you believe you have been added to this distribution group then you may check your junk mail or trash to make sure it didn't get deleted. It'll show up on the email as an attached PDF.

Thanks! Happy writing!
 

[TKWade]

1 hour ago, kais said:

Why did he put the amulet on the table? Isn't it contraband or something? If the rune is the contraband and not the amulet, that should be made clear earlier. And how did they notice the ruin if it was hidden? I don't understand enough about how priests work for this to make sense, so it seems just like author convenience right now.

Because I'm a terrible writer

No, I will adjust this, it was poor execution. I need to find a creative way of letting the priest see the amulet and the Rune embedded in it, without it looking like total negligence on the MC's part. I wanted it to seem like he through it up on the table without consideration, but I see that it isn't consistent with the narrative to do that. The rune isn't hidden, it's just embedded in the amulet like a large gemstone. I need to be more specific when he examines it after it has been handed off to him.

1 hour ago, kais said:

I think expanding the dialogue between MC and our mysterious woman might actually help, and would be a good place for more backstory. 

Good idea!

@kais Thanks for taking the time to read!

 

[Mandamon]

pg 3: "The large animals defecated on the cobblestone road, pulling the aristocrats in their decorative wagons,"
--these two thoughts perhaps should be in different sentences.

pg 7: "flickered toward the amulet on the table's damaged edge"
--Wait, Rowan put the illegal magical thing, punishable by death, out on the edge of the table? Why?

Yes, similar response to @kais. This is better, but still not there. My biggest two issues are the amulet on the table, and that I'm still lacking the "why." Why is Warren randomly sending young men to their death? He seems to have a reason for it, but he was surprised by the Rowan embracing the fire. We need some reason why Rowan would go through with what is obviously a bad idea, besides complete stupidity. Has Warren promised him a huge amount of money for transporting an illegal object?

Also would like to know more about the woman, the blind man, and the swordsman at the end, though I'm assuming they may come up in another part? Is this the first chapter of a larger story, or meant to stand by itself?

[kais]

2 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

Wait, Rowan put the illegal magical thing, punishable by death, out on the edge of the table? Why?

LOL! @Mandamon and I are apparently shouting in tandem from the (virtual) corner. "PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET, DOOFUS! YOUR POCKET!"

[TKWade]

2 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "The large animals defecated on the cobblestone road, pulling the aristocrats in their decorative wagons,"
--these two thoughts perhaps should be in different sentences.

It's supposed to be a single thought, "Animals pooping on the road while pulling people in their wagons." Maybe just written incorrectly?

This is the first part of a 5 part series.

[TKWade]

1 minute ago, kais said:

5 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

Wait, Rowan put the illegal magical thing, punishable by death, out on the edge of the table? Why?

LOL! @Mandamon and I are apparently shouting in tandem from the (virtual) corner. "PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET, DOOFUS! YOUR POCKET!"

LOL! And here I was trying to slide his competency up!  Lazy writing is lazy.

[TKWade]

7 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

I'm still lacking the "why." Why is Warren randomly sending young men to their death? He seems to have a reason for it, but he was surprised by the Rowan embracing the fire. We need some reason why Rowan would go through with what is obviously a bad idea, besides complete stupidity. Has Warren promised him a huge amount of money for transporting an illegal object?

I'll expand the first act to try expounding the "why" better. Thanks!

[industrialistDragon]

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot to add to this beyond what @kais and @Mandamon have already said. It's definitely better, but it definitely has a ways to go. For my part, I'd like a little more grounding on why W needs to use two intermediaries (one of them apparently disposable) in order to get the contraband magical item to the priest. Purple Cape clearly knows how the whole job is set up, and that the person she's interacting with is a patsy. Why the extra steps?

My second nitpick (other than those already mentioned) was the bit of POV shift where we suddenly are inside the heads of the thrill seekers attending the burning. One, it's a weird POV shift. Is R suddenly psychic? Two, additionally and unfortunately, it doesn't take a depraved person to watch and even enjoy such spectacles, it only requires habituation and being inured to the atrocity.  Hangings in England in the 1500s through the 1800s were like festival days or modern sporting events, with people bringing their sweethearts, having picnic lunches, and generally partying. If this government regularly held public executions and isn't crazy oppressive to everyone in general including their followers (which doesn't seem like what this is?), I would expect a more jovial atmosphere, or at the very least more interaction between the crowd and the priest, and the crowd and R (it's super short notice, so I imagine the food vendors and souvenir sellers would be put out?). If you wanted to play up how rigged this system is, maybe it *is* a scheduled hanging day and R just doesn't realize he's the main event! 

I did enjoy the ending much better. It's well set up for the next chapter at that point.

 

Also, welcome @ICanDream ! Have you read @Silk 's wonderful introductory post? It explains how this online writers' group works. You'll need to send a private message to @Silk and @Robinski (Silk is our lovely mod who is away traveling currently, and @Robinski is our mailing list manager pro tem) to get on the mailing list, and make at least one critique post before submitting work. Once you're on the mailing list, new submissions for critique go out on Mondays, usually. If you'd like to critique on this week's submissions, you'll need to contact the authors directly.  As @TKWade mentioned, sometimes the group mailings can get picked up by spam filters, so be sure to check your spam or junk folder if you're on the list but haven't received any emails.  

[Robinski]

11 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

@Robinski is our mailing list manager pro tem

Lovely mailing list manager, second trombone and general sub-factotum, if you don't mind  

Yes, hi @ICanDream. Please do read the intro post, but then message any questions you have in the Submission List or Lounge II threads. Or, message me directly on here, or email me [email protected]

We can get you started in now time.

Best, and welcome!

<R>

[industrialistDragon]

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

Lovely mailing list manager, second trombone and general sub-factotum, if you don't mind

Substitutes don't get superlatives.  

[Mandamon]

22 hours ago, kais said:

LOL! @Mandamon and I are apparently shouting in tandem from the (virtual) corner. "PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET, DOOFUS! YOUR POCKET!"

Yes--there was shouting involved...

[SalMonroe]

I'm a new member of RE and I've only critiqued two works on this site so far including this one, so I didn't realize that we had forum discussions for critiquing and just sent it back as an email reply. Going through the email reply I sent, I edited it a bit since it was unproofed rambling and I'm posting it here instead. It's a bit wordy (+ 1000 words) and very nitpicky so if you have any critiques for my editing style please let me know. I do feel like I'm overstepping my boundaries on a few of these suggestions and critiques so please critique me back.

And if you want revenge for the thorough red inking of your piece, I'll hopefully be submitting a short story next week so you'll get your chance to destroy me later.

---

I’m excited to see how this plays out. This is the first version of your story I’ve read and so far it’s pretty interesting. I’m curious how and if you’ll integrate the smithing later on into his ability (since it is a DnD character) and I’m curious to see the bigger picture to this, both in whoever that guy is at the end and why exactly Rowan is so powerful. I'm assuming he's a sorcerer, but where does his magic lie?

Since I don’t have any way to edit pdfs, I’ll just be referring to whatever I’m talking about by saying “Page number”.”Paragraph number”.”sentence number”

1.1.2

I don’t think recount is a good word to use here. I think you use the word recount to mean something like “re-count” or “remember how many times”, but I personally think of recount as a word to replace “remember” in general. This is only the second sentence and since I only learned that he’s walking around the alley with a sense of familiarity in the first sentence, I thought he was someone who used to be homeless, rather than someone who currently is until the next sentence.

1.2 - 2.6

I feel like the ordering of some of these paragraphs is a bit odd.

In 1.1, he’s focused on the present, in 1.2 he’s focused on the past, in 1.3 he’s focused on the present for half and then quickly goes back to the past, in 2.1-2.5 he thinks about the past, finally transitioning back to the present. I thought this back and forth thing was really unnecessary and that it would be a lot cleaner if you kept all the memories in one place and the present thoughts in one.

I don’t know if you were going for an effect where you’re trying to represent turmoil by making him flit between the present and the past so often, but if you want to do that I’d suggest that you make it even more pronounced and obvious by making the flip-flop even more severe.

2.5.1

I don’t feel like this sentence needs to be italicized as it is right now. Right now it seems too impersonal to be an actual thought of his. Because you’re using his third person limited POV for him in this story, all the text is his view on what he’s thinking/seeing anyways, so I feel like if you want to bust out the italic thought text, it should be for something significant and not for something that can just be described without needing a thought.

But I do think that this is actually a good opportunity for a chance to use italics, just not in its current state. Maybe you could have him react to the thought, clench his fist or what not to show whatever emotion he feels strongly about the Arbiter, or maybe you could change it up a bit. If this was from the viewpoint of a more nihilistic character, maybe the thought would be something along the lines of “no one ever escapes the thing of the Arbiter.” Of course, Rowan seems a bit happier than that so it’s just an example.

My point is, the italics are special and this thought doesn't seem special enough to deserve it.

2.6.1

Warren comes out of the blue with no introduction or description. All we know is that he works with Rowan. I think it would do a lot if you added something about Warren, even if it's just one single element. Without a good image to ground him on, I felt lost about how I was supposed to imagine this new character.

At this point, I can imagine Warren as being any sort of guy. I could think of him as paranoid, overly caring, a perfectionist, or arrogant (in the end I actually went with him being some gruff paranoid gang leader until I saw how he actually was later). Any one of those could think that Rowan’s a simpleton. Even though he's not really important for anything other than his role to anger Rowan, I think adding one single character trait could do a lot to add a lot of colour to the setting and to Rowan’s situation by describing who he’s being forced to work with in order to achieve his goals in this setting.

Maybe you could say that Warren was difficult to listen to because of a rough sailor’s accent, or maybe it physically stings to talk to him because of the concentrated booze stench that floats off his breath, or maybe Rowan admits that he doesn’t actually listen to Warren as well as he might like because he’s always distracted by the possibility of simply stealing Warren’s overabundant jewelry. I don’t know. Adding just one thing would have so much potential to add so much colour. (Am I overstepping my critiquing boundaries here?)

3.3.6

Wide berth* not birth.

4.1.4

I don’t get why he’s giving him a quizzical look. I’m guessing it’s because of it’s age or because Rowan is sidling up to the woman, but that’s never really explained. The bartender keeps being pretty nonchalant about his drinks until he realizes that Rowan had mistaken the woman for a man.

Because “quizzical” is significant for me to notice but never expanded on, I legitimately thought that the bartender was in on what was going to happen, and was just surprised that Rowan (a young boy) was the one who was the one that was hired for the job.

4.12.1

He’s running the scenario through his head and having a fun time imagining it, but I wouldn’t expect him to be physically smiling. He’s just been insulted.

4.12.1 / 4.13.1

Did she actually smile and then instantly turn sad? I guess Rowan achieved his goal of wiping the “smug smile” off her face, but this flip flop kind of sticks out.

5.4

At the sight of*

6.5.1

Isn’t he supposed to be smuggling this thing? I get that there needs to be a way for the Chalkydri to notice his illegal dealings, but there has got to be a better way. Right now, Rowan is being way too stupid. He places the damnation amulet right on the table. The only explanation I have is that he’s no longer nervous due to the alcohol and his judgment is flawed by the alcohol.

6.5.1

Isn’t he incredibly nervous about the job? If sketching is something he does to calm himself down, mention it. If he’s calmed down enough to be able to casually pass his time with a hobby, mention it.

7.2.4

Capital on He.

9.1.1

I wouldn’t really describe what the priest is doing as “helping” Warren, and I don't know if Rowan would describe it as that either. “Why are you turning a blind eye, punishing me for what he’s done, ignoring him, etc.”

9.8

I really wanted to know exactly how the priest replies here and I'm kind of disappointed that you left it up to interpretation. Is he bored, sadistic, euphoric? While he’s probably a character that never appears again, he would work as a good representative for the setting that Rowan had lived in for his whole life.

 

[Gustaf Taen]

Of course, placing the amulet on the table is weird, especially after thinking that this amulet might get him killed. I still would like to know more about the amulet though. Lets say Rowan knew what he was supposed to receive, willingly taking the risk because it was important. 

However, it is not very plausible in my mind the fact that his role is only to pick up something and have it delivered only a dozen feet away. 

But this is nitpicking. It was a trap and he was supposed to be stupid enough to fell in it.

[TKWade]

@SalMonroe Welcome to Reading Excuses! I'm excited to read your piece next week and tear it to bits  

Thank you so much for the thorough critique, and don't worry, I've been decimated by a critique much worse, so you're totally safe. It's based off DnD, but I'm taking major liberties and kind of letting it go where it wants.
 

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

I don’t think recount is a good word to use here

Point. I will definitely revise this, thanks!

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

1.2 - 2.6

I feel like the ordering of some of these paragraphs is a bit odd.

In 1.1, he’s focused on the present, in 1.2 he’s focused on the past, in 1.3 he’s focused on the present for half and then quickly goes back to the past, in 2.1-2.5 he thinks about the past, finally transitioning back to the present. I thought this back and forth thing was really unnecessary and that it would be a lot cleaner if you kept all the memories in one place and the present thoughts in one.

I don’t know if you were going for an effect where you’re trying to represent turmoil by making him flit between the present and the past so often, but if you want to do that I’d suggest that you make it even more pronounced and obvious by making the flip-flop even more severe.

My goal here was to contrast his previous life with his new life, maybe I just need to clean up the execution like you say.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

2.5.1

I don’t feel like this sentence needs to be italicized as it is right now. Right now it seems too impersonal to be an actual thought of his. Because you’re using his third person limited POV for him in this story, all the text is his view on what he’s thinking/seeing anyways, so I feel like if you want to bust out the italic thought text, it should be for something significant and not for something that can just be described without needing a thought.

But I do think that this is actually a good opportunity for a chance to use italics, just not in its current state. Maybe you could have him react to the thought, clench his fist or what not to show whatever emotion he feels strongly about the Arbiter, or maybe you could change it up a bit. If this was from the viewpoint of a more nihilistic character, maybe the thought would be something along the lines of “no one ever escapes the thing of the Arbiter.” Of course, Rowan seems a bit happier than that so it’s just an example.

My point is, the italics are special and this thought doesn't seem special enough to deserve it.

I have to disagree, but you're also the reader and what the reader perceives is always more important than what the writer put on paper, or meant to put on paper. I'll try to reword this to make it more personal. I kind of thought it was personal enough being directly in response to the thoughts he was having about Val. I will disagree on adding "ever" if only because by saying, "no one escapes the thumb of the Arbiter." it's implied that no one ever does, to include "ever" would be redundant. But you make a point and I will try to revise it.

 

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

2.6.1

Warren comes out of the blue with no introduction or description.

I love what you have to say here and I had similar thoughts, so it's good to hear it echoed by readers. You're not overstepping at all, love the suggestions. Thanks!

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

4.1.4

I don’t get why he’s giving him a quizzical look.

Point. I'll revise.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

4.12.1

He’s running the scenario through his head and having a fun time imagining it, but I wouldn’t expect him to be physically smiling.

Because it's an internal thought, I was hoping the smile would be taken as more of an internal smile, but I can specify this in the writing. But quite right, he wouldn't be physically smiling.

 

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

4.12.1 / 4.13.1

Did she actually smile and then instantly turn sad? I guess Rowan achieved his goal of wiping the “smug smile” off her face, but this flip flop kind of sticks out.

I have to disagree with this one. People sometimes flip-flop on emotions quickly. You don't know what is going through her head, but you can assume, as the reader, that she's enjoying her quips at him and the reactions she's sparking, but then in realising what she's doing to him, putting setting him up to die, she becomes upset. People joke at funerals all the time, and then in a moment of reminiscing, can become instantly sad about their departed. People are complex and capable of feeling a multitude of emotions all at once. But again you're the reader, so maybe I need to find a way to adjust this to make it easily digestible. Maybe make the switch more pronounced, to be taken as further foreshadowing that Rowan is probably getting set up.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

6.5.1

Isn’t he incredibly nervous about the job? If sketching is something he does to calm himself down, mention it. If he’s calmed down enough to be able to casually pass his time with a hobby, mention it.

Point. I'll revise this. It's meant to be a coping method for his anxiety or boredom, in this case, anxiety, I can find a way to slide that in there.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

9.1.1

I wouldn’t really describe what the priest is doing as “helping” Warren, and I don't know if Rowan would describe it as that either. “Why are you turning a blind eye, punishing me for what he’s done, ignoring him, etc.”

I need to do a better job of making this apparent to the readers, because yours isn't the only comment. He is helping Warren. The idea is that one of the church branches is starting to pick up on Warren's smuggling habits and the priest needs Warren for capturing magi. I'll try to fix this when I fix my Warren issue earlier in the chapter.

9 hours ago, SalMonroe said:

9.8

I really wanted to know exactly how the priest replies here and I'm kind of disappointed that you left it up to interpretation. Is he bored, sadistic, euphoric? While he’s probably a character that never appears again, he would work as a good representative for the setting that Rowan had lived in for his whole life.

Good point, I'll revise.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read and critique! I'll really appreciate it and please, don't worry about going overboard with critiques, the worst you can do is not say what you think is wrong with the writing. As long as your tone is respectful, of which it was, you'll be fine.  

And again, welcome!

Edited September 21, 2017 by TKWade

[kais]

9 hours ago, TKWade said:

I've been decimated by a critique much worse

Eeep, was it mine?

[TKWade]

@kais You and neongrey have been so graciously honest
 

Sometimes a rough critique is what's needed for growth, I'll never complain. Hehe.

[Robinski]

Well, I got there in the end. I hope these comments are still of some help.

• It’s a great first line. I like that.
• “He couldn't recount the times he had dug” – I think you mean he’s lost count of the times, but this sounds like he actually can’t remember (recall) them. I think maybe it’s ‘He couldn’t count the times he had dug…’
• “through greasy, brown hair” – for me, there’s a comma here, as with any list of things.
• “His scalp itched constantly” – I'm going to applaud you for an infinitive, not split. Hurrah!
• “He missed his forge” – ooh, now, this is interesting. I took him for a kind of pathetic, scrawny individual, rather powerless, but he was (is) a smith? Interesting…
• “it was a distant annoyance compared to his grumbling stomach” – I know what you mean, but I think it’s clearer with another word.
• “and breathing fire into them.” – Dunno why, but this sounded a bit odd to me, I think because breathing fire is a thing, but it’s very different from breathing life into something.
• “seemed to know something you missed” – this is a kind of odd phrase, to me. I could understand eyes seeing something you missed, or knowing something you didn’t, but this seems like two halves of different phrases.
• There are a lot of smiles in one paragraph after another. I think there is some awkwardness in these lines that could be tidied up. However, remembering how this read before, I think it’s much better in terms of selling his feeling for the woman.
• “He smiled at the thought of Val spiking his friend, Jared's, juice” – Err, umm. This sounds like youthful exuberance, but I couldn’t help thinking about Rohypnol (the date rape drug) – changed times. I fondly remember the days you could spike someone’s drink and laugh about it…  (That there is some black humour. No refunds, sorry.)
• “throwing rotten produce” – this sounds like the veg aisle at the grocery store. Given the tech period of your piece, I think you could just say ‘fruit’ or ‘vegetables’, but this sounds like the story is set in 2015. Also “hidden under her bed”, kind of cr@p place to hide anything. Was it planted for them to find?
• “He helped her family with the burial pyre the next day” – Wow!! This kind of sounds like she died from having rotten fruit thrown at her. I think you need to tell the reader how this played out and she ended up dead. Sounds more like they stoned her.
• “no one escapes the thumb of the Arbiter” – Sorry, but just the phrasing of this, it sounds almost exactly like the famous Monty Python sketch. ‘No one expects the Spanish inquisition!!’
• “Warren had walked Rowan through the plan” – Was he called Warren before? It’s just that Rowan and Warren sound quite similar. In fact, they’re only one letter apart, in a different order.
• “A man would show up to retrieve the package once the purple cloak left the establishment” – phrase order, I think.
• I am MUCH happier with the way you are describing the relaying of instructions. The way you stress the importance and the effort that goes into testing the detail, and how R does not come over as incompetent (yet). Because of this, actually, I'd be perfectly happy if he forgot some small detail. Or rather, didn’t forget, but doubted himself and his recollection exactly because of how many times they had gone over the details, because it had become automatic and he had almost stopped actively remembering the specifics.
• “Maybe I'll make those swords I've been dreaming about” – makes me wonder about his dreams, a bit, but the line itself is a bit vague, I think. I wonder if he would not be more specific about the type of swords, just one adjective.
• How will he get his forge back if it’s been confiscated? Presumably, the authorities will not allow him to buy it back, so no amount of money will be sufficient. So, this job must give him some other kind of influence with the authorities, to convince them to give the forge back?
• The wagons seem to roll ‘through’ the street – not along it?
• I like the image of the run-down bar; nicely ‘painted’ with words.
• Purple cloak. Sorry if I'm over-analysing, but I wonder if this seems a tad too blatant, maybe not, but I'm just wondering about (a) the possibility that someone else could have a purple cloak, and (b) whether it wouldn’t make cloak-man to easy to track. I suppose he could ditch the cloak. I just wondered whether an equally obvious but subtler identifier might give greater plausible deniability for the person making the drop, like a purple scarf; feather in their cap, for example. Dunno; just thinking out loud.
• “He's the most incompetent smuggler in C, and but unfortunately the only smuggler in S” – I suggest these phrases run contrary to each other, but I don’t know enough about the geography. Still, if they don’t then I'm not sure I understand the context.
• I like the conversation with the woman better now. I did wonder if they weren’t attracting attention more than they might reasonably want, but what really stuck with me was wanting R to be a bit more stressed, so that the line about him needing this, but going against his better judgement to do it landed better.
• “patrons fiddling with knives, or other tools” – for me, this is a bit comically menacing. I mean, surely people would not actually do that when just sitting having a drink, and they’re lugging tools around and scraping tables?
• Personally, I think you could drop ‘bar fights’; I think ‘rough use’ implies that and stands well on its own. I think it’s good to let the reader infer some things like that rather than coming right out and telling.
• “Ya know, they said a Db is supposed to be coming this century” – for me, this is very tell-y. Not saying you shouldn’t convey the information in overheard conversation but, for me, it would be more convincing if it wasn’t the first thing her overhead, just straight out telling the reader. You might consider the man talking against it, denying it, rather than advancing the idea as if talking directly to the reader.
• Err, this Db thing is very close to Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time, and the Dragon, the False Dragon, etc. Just saying.
• Why will hoping get the man killed? I don’t quite follow that.
• ‘waited and sat’ – one of those is redundant. And really, yes, the amulet on the table. Others have said it, but really, it seems to say come and arrest me. It’s not like he needs an identifier if he has sat at the correct table.
• Much, much better on the reason for drinking, imo.
• “worked his way inside the figure” – typo, I presume.
• “new development” – sounds like a modern phrase. Did they build developments in Minas Tirith or King’s Landing?
• I feel the fairly long description of the priest robs the scene of some immediacy. Also, the jump to the priest being the person R’s meeting seemed a bit much to me. Is it not much more likely he’s come to arrest someone?
• I like the detail of the shaking hand and the very precise thing that he is unable to draw. I think the language around this point could be tidied up to make the scene more direct, but I'm feeling the tension, the fear without R coming over as useless – that has pretty much gone now for me – which is good! (Apart from the amulet on the table, of course! Which I note he hasn’t’ thought about as the priest and the police approach.)
• “around like a club” – typo.
• ‘back of the neck’ is a very precise location for a whole chair to land.
• “he heard the conscious C yell” – this feels redundant to me; a bit clumsy. If he’s yelling, he must be the conscious one. You could just as easily say the ‘heard the other C yell’
• ‘stepping’ out of the bar doesn’t sound very urgent to me; I thought R would be in full flight. Similar with ‘He turned to go left…’, I'm sort of expecting him to be dashing or surging or something.
• The description of him being lifted up and what he’s feeling, I think, is good, effective.
• How is R’s sacrifice noble? I don’t get it.
• “paraphernalia” – this is not an angry word, somehow.
• ‘The priest’s eyes…’ – I don’t think eyes narrow at someone. We can deduce that the priest is looking at him, so there’s nothing wrong with saying ‘the priest’s eyes narrowed’ and leaving it at that.
• I’m a bit confused about W’s dealings. Surely, if everyone that W deals with gets captured / arrested by the branch, people would stop dealing with and trusting him. It sounds like, if you talk or enter into any arrangement with W you get arrested. Also, surely W would notice that all his contacts were being arrested, so he would not be unknowing.
• Whoa!! The bit with the ear is a level of gore that we’ve not seen. Certainly, it has instant impact, but seems a little off tone with the rest of the chapter.
• I’m a bit confused about what R’s purpose is/was. Is it simply to die as a demonstration of the Branch’s power? That seems to be about all he’s accomplished.
• “R plead pled” - ?
• “Through the flame he saw seen the man…”
• The emotion that R feels on seeing W worked for me, but I'm just not sure what W has accomplished. What was his goal, to get rid of R? Why? W has lost the amulet, so, does the Branch just use him to provide them with a steady stream of sacrifices? Rather unclear, I think.
• “a smirk of betrayal.” – everything in this sentence belongs to W, his this, his that, except the smirk – can that not belong to him too? Seems to me the last phrase is the most important one, and the one that leaves the impression of W on the reader.
• “tasty scent of cooked meat” – ‘scent’ makes me think of perfume, compared, say to ‘aroma’. Also, it being tasty. Is that really the thought that would enter R’s mind as his own flesh burned?
• “It deprived them of their desire to see suffering” – but surely it doesn’t deprive them of the desire, they still have the desire, they are deprived of the suffering itself, or at least the outward sign of the suffering, but the desire to see it is still within them, I would imagine, if that’s why they came.
• Ahhhh, we’re back in the territory of all the drinkers hating themselves. Does everyone who goes to watch a public execution have a depraved life? I don’t think so. I think if you went to the hanging of an outlaw in an ‘old west’ frontier town, the audience would be made up of good, hardworking folk (mostly), perhaps those having suffered at the hands of the convicted person, come to see justice done. I think it’s too easy and convenient to dismiss everyone in this crowd as being depraved. It’s more complex and interesting (and realistic, I should think) if they are real people with a mixture of emotions and reasons for being there, rather than being thrown together under the same pejorative label which allows the reader, and/or the accused to hate them all with a clear conscience.
• “He saw seen one man wave off the spectacle, turning to walk away” – past tense, like the rest of it. I’m glad to see at least one man is abhorred by the process, but I still feel there is a big place for morbid fascination as a rationale for being there, against a person’s better judgement.
• “What was had been arrogance and indifference, turned into alarm and fear” – Because you're writing in past tense, I think this has to be pluperfect, defined as ‘used to refer to an action at a time earlier than a time in the past already referred to.’
• “smiled at the mastery of this man in leather” – given that R’s face is burning, the last bit seems so irrelevant.
• Decent wrap up as the whole thing just goes into ‘meltdown’.

I thought this was much better than the first version, as you can tell from the fact that I’ve written 2,200 words talking about it!! (Sorry.)

I hope this helps. Keep improving it, but also keep going forward and writing more. There’s nothing worse than going over the same thing again and again, trying to get it perfect. It’s fruitless, because as soon as you write the next bit, it will influence what came before it – guaranteed.

I think you’ve got some good ideas and turns of phrase. I think your style is direct, which is good. There’s enough description to paint enough of a picture that I can see what’s happening, without dwelling on it, so pacing is good. I think there’s a lot to recommend this. Keep going!! Maybe we could see the next chapter?

<R>