TWD - Chapters 9, 10, and interlude V - kais 09/11/17 5113 words

[kais]

Skipping around a bit now, here is a completely reworked chapter 9, 10, and one additional interlude. Here I just want to make sure their fleeing the village works. Pick apart as you will. I know the interlude is long, however I am unsure what to cut.

Edited September 12, 2017 by kais

[Robinski]

Comments.

Chapter 9

• First line is confusing. M is pushing? No, she’s striding?
• I love the local ‘colour’ that you generate here with the festival, the world-building that you achieve, subtly.
• Good tension, excellent interaction, clearer examination of the issues and conflicts. I’m happy.

Chapter 10

• “One more piece of kindling and the town will alight” – I feel like this means the town will climb down from a train when it stops at the station.
• “passed through the village at a tense canter, slow enough to watch” – to me, a canter is a run, so the word ‘slow’ doesn’t sit well with it. ‘trot’, I think, would be better; hurrying, but not running, as such.
• “a lot of questions to answer”
• “Is there an amulet around here?” – I don’t really understand this reference, because I think they first encountered the amulet on the glacier before?

15 years-old

• “soundless on it’s its rusting hinges” – I still do it too sometimes.
• “Whatever she’s asking you to work on, get that mess cleaned up first, S” – I can’t quite get the context of this statement.

Yes, I liked this slice of S’s daily life, and the exchange about surgical ‘adjustment’ is helpful to answer some of the questions that I remember having when reading from the beginning. It does come fairly late in the story, if this is where it will be located, but I think I could deal with that, due to the other interludes you’ve already submitted.

Good job. Keep it coming.

<R>

[Mandamon]

I thought these chapters were much improved. More color to the townspeople and the guilds vs. machinery. This escape makes a lot more sense as well.

I didn't think this interlude was too long. it held together better than the others to me.

 

Pg 1-2: better conversation between M and S. I'm glad M is asking some more pointed questions.

pg 3: "Border towns near the glacier have a bad history with the unbound guilds. "
--yes, but why? Or is this explained elsewhere? A couple sentences about the witches killing a villager in a border town or something would help.

pg 4: "Miantri took down its guildhall last year. For an entire year that factory has been running in secret, churning out cotton thread faster than any human hand could. No wonder the textile guild disbanded!"
--Love this. Much better on the worldbuilding side.

pg 6: The dynamic between M and S seems different, though not bad. I'm glad M is addressing how S has been isolated, but don't want S to lose more agency.

Ch 9: good improvement. There's a lot more urgency and I can see a lot more worldbuilding about the guilds and industrialization coming through.

 

pg 11: :but you know what a witch means here"
--I'm assuming this is covered before ch 9, then.

pg 13: I like the version a lot better. Makes the villagers better than just an unruly mob, since they cacn be talked to.

pg 16: "Is there an amulet around here?"
--glad this got tied in more.

Ch 10: Also reading much better. I got sucked into reading, so didn't have as many comments. I can tell the guilds and worldbuilding is threaded back into the story more.

pg 19: "soundless on it’s rusting "
--its

pg 20: "Really, there’s no limit to magic, unlike alchemy, which has that ridiculous set of rules.”
--No one had mentioned alchemy, so this reads as an infodump.

pg 20: "that tick of yours, too"
--I assume this is scratching S's arms?

pg 20: "The floor will need a full strip and refinish as well"
--Surely the varnish isn't very good if it gets messed up with every mess?

[rdpulfer]

- I like the confrontation between Sorin and Magda - and how she feels like a child facing against a full-grown royal daughter. Good observation.

- "I don't have time to deal with a witch, either." - Seems like it might be an unrealistic expectation. Generally speaking, witches aren't bound to convenience

- Also seems a bit unrealistic that Sorin just happens to "forget her place" after so intense a confrontation.

- I do like the intensity of the witch's words building up the tension.

- "Thousands of ways to die on a glacier." I want to like this line. It sounds cool, but it doesn't make sense to me. I can see this being true in the woods or a city, but a glacier, it seems like the only threats are the cold, starvation and . . . i don't know . . . polar bears?

I like this excerpt. The plot seems to moving mostly, and I like how the characters are clicking. 

[kais]

On 9/13/2017 at 9:50 AM, Robinski said:

I feel like this means the town will climb down from a train when it stops at the station.

Heh. Easy enough to fix.

On 9/13/2017 at 9:50 AM, Robinski said:

I don’t really understand this reference, because I think they first encountered the amulet on the glacier before?

Ah yes, I've moved things around a lot. Now S learns about the amulets first from Rah, and a discussion is included of them in a number of earlier interludes. Basically I've gone through and laid down a 'magic' layer of story since the last go through. Sorry for the confusion!

On 9/13/2017 at 9:50 AM, Robinski said:

I still do it too sometimes.

One of these days I swear I will stop making this mistake...

On 9/13/2017 at 9:50 AM, Robinski said:

I can’t quite get the context of this statement.

It's an artifact of a past edit. Urp. Sorry.

On 9/13/2017 at 9:50 AM, Robinski said:

Good job. Keep it coming.

Thank you!

On 9/13/2017 at 11:12 AM, Mandamon said:

Or is this explained elsewhere?

This is now heavily seeded in prior chapters, but not enough for the reader to know know, because we are constrained by S's knowledge. Hopefully it pulls together better later. 

On 9/13/2017 at 11:12 AM, Mandamon said:

The dynamic between M and S seems different, though not bad. I'm glad M is addressing how S has been isolated, but don't want S to lose more agency.

So I've done two things with M and S in these last two edits. First, I've changed M to more antagonistic early on (still being upset about S's sudden departure as children), and S has been given a great deal more agency in earlier areas. I'm trying to set up a theme where S is quite competent when alone, but crippled in the presence of mother and M (because S is terrible at interpersonal relationships). So, we'll see how this goes as the book progresses. 

On 9/13/2017 at 11:12 AM, Mandamon said:

I'm assuming this is covered before ch 9, then.

Marginally. I'm trying to (and probably failing) seed in that the characters around S know something that S clearly does not. I need it to be apparent to the reader that S is lacking key information. I don't know how well I am managing, however.

On 9/13/2017 at 11:12 AM, Mandamon said:

No one had mentioned alchemy, so this reads as an infodump.

It's supposed to be more of 'everyone knows things except S'. Maybe it needs to be integrated better?

On 9/13/2017 at 11:12 AM, Mandamon said:

I assume this is scratching S's arms?

Yes. I've clarified it with @industrialistDragon's help

On 9/13/2017 at 11:12 AM, Mandamon said:

Surely the varnish isn't very good if it gets messed up with every mess?

Vomit is really acidic, and the finishes that were present in the 1700s were not great, but this was more about A being an overbearing arse than anything else. Hopefully that comes across?

Thank you @Mandamon, for slogging through again. Congrats on the fully funding of your kickstarter! Do we get cool enamel pins now?? Let me tell you what, those things sell like crazy at cons!

On 9/13/2017 at 4:57 PM, rdpulfer said:

and how she feels like a child facing against a full-grown royal daughter. Good observation.

Thank you! I like that part a lot, too.

On 9/13/2017 at 4:57 PM, rdpulfer said:

just happens to "forget their place" after so intense a confrontation.

I'm trying to better seed in that S is sort of...preoccupied a lot of the time. Very in their own head.

On 9/13/2017 at 4:57 PM, rdpulfer said:

it seems like the only threats are the cold, starvation and . . . i don't know . . . polar bears?

Chalk it up to hyperbole?

Thank you for the feedback!