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Musician Jokes


Sami

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23 minutes ago, Nerd3.14159265358979 said:

Some people say musicals are stupid, because people don't spontaneously burst in to song in real life. Obviously they've never met me.

This reminded me of those running joke scenes from The Nut Job 2...

Spoiler

 

 

Edited by Archer
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  • 2 weeks later...

I love how 90% of musicians are completely willing to make fun of themselves. I for instance, play alto saxophone, and even tough all the altos in my band are pretty good, we always make jokes about how bad we are.

What's the difference between an alto saxophone and a lawnmower?

You can tune a lawnmower.

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  • 5 weeks later...

A trombone player and tuba player fall off a building, who hits last?

Spoiler

Tuba, they have to stop and ask for directions.

A bunch of flutes are driving in a pickup truck. They drive into the lake and drown, because they cant get the tailgate open.

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How can you tell if a performance stage is level?

Spoiler

If the drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth!

What does a trumpet player say when he introduces himself?

Spoiler

Hi. I'm better than you.

If a tuba player and a trombone player jump off a building, who hits the ground first?

Spoiler

The trombone player, since the tuba player had to stop and ask for directions.

And the big one:

Spoiler

So, the band is practicing a piece and they come across a section where the tubas just biff it. The conductor is all mad and flings his conductor stick. It spears the tuba player through. The police come and arrest the conductor, they take the guy to the electric chair, they put him on it, they flip the switch, nothing happens. One guy asks what is going on, and another says:

Spoiler

"I dunno, but this guy is just NOT a good conductor."

 

Edit: Inklingspren stole my joke...

Edited by BitBitio the Mudkip
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A man spends the night drinking at various bars across town.  On his way back home, he suddenly remembers that his wife had told him not to go drinking.  As he's trying to think up a good excuse for why he was out all night, he passes a music shop.  Neither he nor his wife are musicians, so he flips through a book for beginning musicians and comes across the word syncopation.  Later, when he gets home, his wife confronts him. 
"Were you out drinking again?" she demands.
"Nope, I was doing syncopation," the man says smugly.
His wife, having no idea what this means, goes to look up the word in a dictionary. She finds this definition.
Syncopation (noun):  "Unsteady movement from bar to bar."

(yep, that's a wah, wah, waaaaaah joke.  :P)
 

True story:  I played the French horn when I was in band, back in my middle school days.  I joined the school's jazz band (obviously, since that's the genre of music you immediately think of when someone says "French horn"), and I was always surprised when they didn't have any sheet music for me.  :rolleyes:

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4 hours ago, Wyndlerunner said:

(as a clarinetist I can make this joke)

Hey, me too!

I hadn’t heard that joke before, it was pretty funny. I’ll have to see what the clarinets in my band think of it.

*random clarinet question without context (or reason)* What strength reeds do you use?

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Q: What's the difference between an orchestra and a Moose?

A: In a moose, the horns are in the front and the butthole is in the back!

Q: How did they invent harmony and melody?

A: Two guitarists sight red the same piece. (I'm a guitarist)

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  • 2 weeks later...
17 hours ago, Wyndlerunner said:

This whole picture is absolutely hilarious

Yep.

I've got some flute jokes:

"Flirty? Maybe a tad bipolar? Will murder in order to become first chair? Flute!" 

Flute Player: 1% Talent, 2% Determination, 97% Hot Air.

And some other jokes:

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

A string quartet is composed of the following: One good violinist, one bad violinist, one really bad violinist who felt more comfortable on viola, one cellist who hates all violinists.

And I can't attach the picture for some reason, but I also reccomend googling "Personality determiner in band class" for a very funny/insulting image.

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So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On July 22, 2018 at 6:37 PM, Showman said:

So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility.

THIS IS AMAZING. I needed this...

Honestly, though– these jokes are so good that I just can't Handel them. 

 

Q:  What's the difference between an accompanist and silence?
A:  You recognize the silence. 

Funny story:  So I'm a pianist, and I accompany a lot of friends who sing. Once, I accompanied a friend during a performance. I literally learned the part to the song in ten minutes, and didn't mess up at all, so I was really proud of myself. After the show, a lady came up to us. She told my friend: "Oh my goodness, your voice is amazing. Your singing brought me to tears. I can't believe how talented you are." She turned to me. "You are so, so lucky to have such a talented friend."
Generally, I rant to people and they're like "So? You're just the accompaniment."
#SAVE THE ACCOMPANIST BECAUSE WE'RE AWESOME TOO

I do sing, though, so I get that it's really satisfying to get complimented for your voice. :P

 

Q:  What's the difference between Kanye and a pianist?
A:  Kanye has a smaller ego.

Q:  Why was the singer always dizzy?
A:  They thought the world was revolving around them.

Edited by Ashspren
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  • 2 weeks later...

How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

None, the pianist does it with their left hand!

How are trumpet players similar to pirates?

Spoiler

They’re both murder on the high c’s!

Why aren’t there bases in marching band?

Spoiler

I dunno, but I’ve only heard of walking bass lines in jazz!

 

Edited by I am a STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  • 4 weeks later...
9 hours ago, I am a STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! said:

look up ice sculptures by Brian Balmages and listen to the basses

You know, I didn't realize Brian Balmages had a "style" until I listened to this. I just realized that it sounded very stylistically similar to a lot of the other songs I've played by him. Welp I guess I learned something today.

 

Ooh, my band just got all new marching jackets! And our first field show is tonight! I'm so excited!!

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