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Musician Jokes


Sami

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  • 3 weeks later...
16 hours ago, The Harp Lady said:

How does one go about posting an image?

I'm technologically inept. There's a reason I don't play the theremin.

When making a post, in the lower right corner above "Submit Reply" there is a button that says "Insert other media". Click on this and you can choose between "Insert existing attachment" or "Insert image from URL". Hope this helps!

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1 hour ago, Faceless Mist-Wraith said:

When making a post, in the lower right corner above "Submit Reply" there is a button that says "Insert other media". Click on this and you can choose between "Insert existing attachment" or "Insert image from URL". Hope this helps!

Thank you.

Now if you'd teach me how to play the theremin... -_-

Edited by The Harp Lady
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  • 5 weeks later...

Did you hear about the bass player whose timing was so bad he threw himself behind a train?

 

Also, as a guitarist, I'm a big fan of talking about every instrument as if it were a guitar. People pull out cellos and I say, "hey, that's a pretty big guitar." And it's always fun to tell the wind players that they shouldn't blow into a guitar.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

This thread is beautiful. I play clarinet.

 

Whats the difference between a mouse and a clarinet?

You can't hear a mouse over the whole band.

 

Whats the difference between an oboe and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

 

How do you tune two piccolos?

Shoot both of them.

 

How many trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They hold the lightbulb and the room spins around them.

 

How many percussionists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

100. One to hold the lightbulb and 99 to drink until the room spins.

 

What do you call 1000 burnt clarinets?

A good start.

 

Whats the difference between a saxophone and a drunk elephant.

One bumbles around with no tempo and is louder than a chainsaw, the other is an intoxicated pachyderm.

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Trombone, the instrument best used for incidental music, and whacking your siblings with, or using it like one of those claw things to pull stuff out from under the couch.

When someone asks if the slide clicks into position, i just want to kill them.

Edited by Quell
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*plays violin piece exceptionally well after hours of panicked gruelling practice the day before*

Spectator: "Wow that was so beautiful! That must be such a good violin! How much did it cost?"

*glares silently, then turns around and walks away*

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hahahah... I play flute. Also, two funny stories from my high school band class:

One day, the clarinetist was having issues with her instrument (the problem was actually behind the instrument, though). After she made one particularly bad noise while trying to tune it, the band director said he'd heard a noise like that once. Someone asked, what noise? He replied that once, while backing out of the parking lot, he'd heard that sort of noise coming from behind his car. When he went to go see what had made the noise, he discovered that he'd run over a goose.

Once, the band director showed the class an unusual instrument: a piccolo. He then let the 3 flutists try to play it. At some point, we decided to see if we could actually crack glass with our flutes. So I played the highest note I could on the piccolo (a C# an octave higher than normal), while my two friends played the same note on their flutes. It was really high-pitched. And loud.

Sadly, we didn't crack the windows. But we did give everyone else ear- and head-aches.

And that was the one and only time I have played the piccolo.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both." 

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion? 
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo. 

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft? 
A: A Flat Miner 

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? 
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept. 

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? 
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones. 

 

The third one is my favorite.

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I don't really get it, but it did give me the idea for this joke! I'll most likely butcher what could've been great, but eh.

 

As the sound of the beautiful Toccata and Fugue in D Minor faded away, the famous composer stood and bowed. The crowd went absolutely wild until the man shushed them. As he walked off the stage he yelled to the crowd.

"Don't you worry! I'll be Bach!"

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  • 1 month later...

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