industrialistDragon Posted July 10, 2017 Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 This is the thing where you talk about the stuff that you thought about the thing that I wrote about the stuff and sent to the thing. And stuff. Please feel free to comment on whatever suits your fancy, up to and including grammar quibbles, my addiction to parentheses, and/or a name for it. Thanks and here's to another 100 posts! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted July 10, 2017 Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 OMG. I never thought I'd see the day!! Looking for to reading your thing. I'll just go check my stuff and download it :O) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted July 10, 2017 Report Share Posted July 10, 2017 Overall, I enjoyed this. The first paragraph took me a bit to get into it--for example, I wouldn't say 6 is a baby, and the age-ish ranges threw me off, but after that I got into it. Could clean up the first section just a bit to get the reader hooked. There was a cool twist at the end, and the characters were good, for such a short story. It felt very much like a fairy tale, but not one I'd seen before. I would have liked an end to the last thought, as I didn't completely understand it. I got that the diamonds were tears, but why did having two great treasures make a difference from having one? Looking forward to the next sub! Title Thoughts: Diamond Tears Winter Girl Taste of Dragon 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yuoaman Posted July 11, 2017 Report Share Posted July 11, 2017 Apologies if I was overlong, but I always find that I have a lot to say. Page 1: -The first paragraph is very dense and could be tightened up a lot. For example: "He was in the 10 to 12-ish age range," feels kind of jarring to read and would probably read better if it was more general. -I think the description of the boy's family as "viking-esque" is a bit unwieldy and it might work better to just flat out call them vikings or barbarians. -Like earlier I think the phrasing of "-ish" when it comes to ages is pretty unwieldy and it might work better to rephrase it. Also six years seems a far cry from what I would consider a baby. -"the blue of death," is another phrase that reads oddly. It might be a part of the protagonist's voice, but it reads awkwardly like much of this paragraph. -The flow of time in these early parts are a little jarring. After the protagonist encounters the little girl the story abruptly speeds up and I think it would read better if the earlier parts were as breezy and quick. -The use of commas, em-dashes, and parenthesis is a little inconsistent, but that's just me nitpicking. -I wish the revelation of the girl's nature had come with a bit more preamble, it feels overly sudden, even with the short length of the story. Page 2: -The short paragraphs in this section really suit the story very well and I feel like if the introduction were reworked to fit in a similar style it would tighten it up a lot. Page 3: -The line "IT'S TRADITIONAL!!" temporarily pulled me out of the story, both because of the capitalization and the double exclamation points. I think it would work better simply italicized. -As above, most of the words emphasized with capitalization would be more aesthetically pleasing and read better if they were italicized instead, but that's just my opinion. -(Just imagine these me including these same criticisms whenever the situation arises throughout the rest of the story.) Page 4: -The sudden slowing of time to focus on this conversation between the two is very effective and I echo my sentiment that it would work even better were the opening of the story as fast paced as much of the story. Page 5: -I like "traditional" being capitalized, in this way, something about that helps it stick in my mind. -"He didn't really understand that." Just a nitpick, but I think this might flow better without "that" in the sentence. Page 6: -"one of this brothers was dead" - I imagine you meant "one of his brothers was dead" -I had to scroll up to check but for some reason I had thought that the ice-dragon had been present when dragon meat had originally been suggested as a meal. Maybe make it more clear that he was alone with his family? Page 7: -"The boy idly wondered if all dragons played at being human before they were inevitably betrayed, or if she was alone in trying to escape her deadly nature." - This is probably my favorite line, and I feel like this is the focal point of the story, it's a really interesting question raised, and one I don't expect will be answered. Page 8: -These last two pages really stick the landing for this story and you ended on another great line. Overall, I really enjoyed your work. The bulk of the prose had this airy quality which really made it feel like and old story, almost like a remembered legend, and I really dug that. I do feel like it took you a while to find your footing with it, and it definitely shows in the early paragraphs, but I think it was well worth the read and I hope to see more from you in the future! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted July 11, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2017 17 hours ago, Mandamon said: , I wouldn't say 6 is a baby, 7 hours ago, Yuoaman said: six years seems a far cry from what I would consider a baby. Well, not when you're 10, lol. XD So, my logic went like this: to a 10-year-old 10 is grown up, but not as grown up as an actual grown-up, so still a child (grudgingly). 6 is not the same as 10, and definitely not a grown-up. So if you're not a child (since 10 is a child, and 6 is not 10), and not a grown up, you are therefore a... It's at least easy to fix. 7 hours ago, Yuoaman said: "-ish" when it comes to ages is pretty unwieldy 17 hours ago, Mandamon said: age-ish ranges threw me off, The problem with transcribing dreams (or at least my dreams) is that dreams like to keep all options on the table. Most of the issues in the first couple paragraphs (as well as any awkwardness in the actual dialogue) are artifacts of my fixation on writing things down AS THEY HAPPENED instead of crafting a story that reads well or makes sense. :T But if it's going to be a story it needs to read well, so a fixing it will get. 7 hours ago, Yuoaman said: The use of commas, em-dashes, and parenthesis is a little inconsistent Just imagine them all as parentheses, then realizing DEAR GOD 3/4 OF THIS THING IS IN PARENTHESES and frantically changing random ones to create visual space. Then it makes perfect sense! I'll see what I can do. 7 hours ago, Yuoaman said: I wish the revelation of the girl's nature had come with a bit more preamble "She was small but far more ferocious blah blah blah" is totes supposed to be foreshadowing! but apparently is totes not coming off that way. Something to ponder. 7 hours ago, Yuoaman said: The line "IT'S TRADITIONAL!!" temporarily pulled me out of the story, I tend to type, when I write anything at all, in Notepad, with word wrap off. It's ridiculous, but at least it doesn't look like I'm writing. When i share anything, it tends to be to a private longform blog with minimal text formatting, that only about 4 people know about and maybe half of those bother to check nowadays. These are remnants of it's original format, my habit of Net-speak, and my fear of editing. Easily fixable at least, when I screw up enough courage to do it. 7 hours ago, Yuoaman said: Maybe make it more clear that he was alone with his family? Duly noted. 18 hours ago, Mandamon said: I would have liked an end to the last thought, as I didn't completely understand it. It's a pivot. Start sentence heading towards A, end at W because you thought of something completely different. I do it a lot IRL, but I'll see what I can do for clarity. 18 hours ago, Mandamon said: Winter Girl Wintergirls is a great novel by Laurie Halse Anderson! Glad you mentioned it! 18 hours ago, Mandamon said: Taste of Dragon Uh, phrasing? Is "phrasing" still a thing? Because, phrasing? XD 18 hours ago, Mandamon said: Looking forward to the next sub! 8 hours ago, Yuoaman said: I hope to see more from you in the future! Y'all're funny. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted July 11, 2017 Report Share Posted July 11, 2017 - "Once upon a time" obviously evokes a fairy tale. So the reader is either going to expect a traditional fairy tale, or some kind of subversion. I didn't really get a sense of either from the opening paragraph. - "Viking-esque" and the age range of the main character doesn't really work for me either. - "IT'S TRADITIONAL." It feels like this is a response to a joke I didn't catch. - Okay, I see why "tradition" is a complicating factor in this story now, but I still think it needs to be woven into the dialogue a bit more. - It might be good to introduce that ice dragons do exist - and what they are capable of. - Overall, it's a good story. It needs some tightening and expanding here and there, but it's definitely a good start. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted July 12, 2017 Report Share Posted July 12, 2017 Well now, I’ve been hoping for this for a long time, and only bolstered by a recent email that I received on a somewhat related subject (writing). Dragon, Dragon, Dragon – this is beautiful. The clarity, the lyricism, and that wonderful fairy tale quality. Excellent, but also funny and surprising in places. Bittersweet and very well balanced, I thought. “A cold wind blew through (the) room, heavy with storms and bitter from old magic.” – I don’t think I've read (or written) a better line than this all year. Maybe from Scott Lynch, maybe. “That was no snow-maid, you doofus” – Lol, I like the way you shift moods so easily. I tripped over the ending a little. It felt a little disjointed, not the events, just the flow of the language. I think it was the separation between the boy’s line telling her to go, and the maiden’s response. Easy to tidy up, of course. Well now. Having anticipated reading something of yours for about 80 of those 100 posts, I must say I am completely and utterly vindicated. I was right to eagerly anticipate, because that was very, very enjoyable. For me, it has style, flare – sure, like everything, it needs tidying up in places – but just so easy to read and take pleasure in, thank you for sharing. And the parentheses were a fine and positive addition. I am more than willing to wait another 100 posts for another submission from you, ID. Of course, fewer posts in between would be better. ;O) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted July 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2017 (edited) @rdpulfer & @Robinski thank you both for the comments! I really appreciate them. 18 hours ago, Robinski said: I tripped over the ending a little. It felt a little disjointed, not the events, just the flow of the language. Could you elucidate a little bit on this? I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean. Are you talking physical, visual space on the page? That's just me being unable to convert between googleDocs and OpenOffice. Once I get a decent text program, I can clear that up no problem if that's all it is. 18 hours ago, Robinski said: Of course, fewer posts in between would be better. Not for me, it wouldn't! XD Edited July 13, 2017 by industrialistDragon 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted July 16, 2017 Report Share Posted July 16, 2017 Is that...the sun? Am I finally leaving my revision cave? Why yes, yes I am!Overall I enjoyed it overall. It reads very much like a fairy tale out of Grimms, although your own writing style shows through. The parentheses and punctuation bits tend to throw me out of the narrative, but that might just be me. I was also kind of hoping for more reaction from the townspeople, or a bit more foreshadowing that she wasn't what she at first appeared. But other than that, smooth sailing! So glad you subbed finally! As I go - really, you had me at 'once upon a time' - this is reading very traditional fairy tale format. I'm digging it (and this looks familiar. I think I've read this one of yours before!) - page four: ah, the fairy tale twist! - page six it starts to move more from fairy tale standard to author voice. Unsure if you were going for that or not - so wait, I don't quite get the end. Are the ice diamonds her eyes? Part of her heart? I think that might need some clarification 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted July 16, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2017 (edited) Thank you for the comments @kais ! 3 hours ago, kais said: The parentheses and punctuation bits tend to throw me out of the narrative, You must have the darndest time with my raw comments. (I try to limit myself on the forum here ^_~) 3 hours ago, kais said: page six it starts to move more from fairy tale standard to author voice. Unsure if you were going for that or not If you like it, then totally I meant it that way! XD If it's weird, is there anything specific you can point to that really breaks the "fairy tale" for you? 3 hours ago, kais said: this looks familiar. I think I've read this one of yours before! :3 :3 :3 Edited July 16, 2017 by industrialistDragon 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted July 17, 2017 Report Share Posted July 17, 2017 2 hours ago, industrialistDragon said: If it's weird, is there anything specific you can point to that really breaks the "fairy tale" for you? Spoiler He didn't ... and final. He reached ... to nothing. <--- this part is perfect fairy tale The crowd,...then cuffed him upside the head. <--- here the word 'cuffed' and 'upside' sort of signals we are moving into authorial voice. Not too bad yet. "That ..., you doofus." <--- doofus seems more authorial That ... jeered. Like you... in. We're probably ...killed. <--- this whole paragraph just sounds like you talking to me, instead of a fairy tale narrator. It's heavy on voice, which I think is a good thing, but then it looses the amorphous fairy tale narrator vibe you had going earlier. The roasted ...served. As the ... seat. <--- and here it is back to narrator again 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted July 17, 2017 Report Share Posted July 17, 2017 I'm going back to try and answer that question. I notice some other typos, but I'm not going full grammar smack down. "Please, you don't have to do this." - I don't know who says this. It seems out of whack with the tone. I mean, the dragon wouldn't plead. Is it the boy? Must be from the context. Pleading seems a bit off for him too thought, I thought. I think it's here... "...but eventually everyone lay defeated before her, the boy leaning on his sword in order to remain standing. When they were alone, the dragon's face changed again." ...for me, you've already said they're alone by stating everyone was defeated, so the second statement feels like something else happens in between the two sentences, but isn't stated. It's not a big thing, bit it felt just a bit disjointed in my head. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted July 17, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2017 Thanks @kais and @Robinski for answering my questions! They're both interesting things to think about that would not have occurred to me otherwise. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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