Mandamon Posted July 3, 2017 Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 Hello all, Here is the third fanfic in a sequence! Where once there was Quirk and Magda, now Rilan has joined them. And hijinks ensue. Just for fun, so apologies to @kais and @Robinski for...well, everything. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted July 3, 2017 Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 Haven't even checked my email yet, but already I LOVE the title. This is going to be good...... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted July 3, 2017 Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 Fun! I really liked the fight scene. from what little i know of martial arts, it seemed really good! (and I caught that sponge reference :3 ) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted July 3, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 36 minutes ago, industrialistDragon said: (and I caught that sponge reference :3 ) That was just for you, @industrialistDragon! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted July 3, 2017 Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 39 minutes ago, industrialistDragon said: I really liked the fight scene. from what little i know of martial arts, it seemed really good! (and I caught that sponge reference :3 ) Rofl - I still haven't read it - I'm having too much fund reading the comments!!!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted July 3, 2017 Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 Is there an emoji on here for applause? "paraded was the only word that fit" Yes! "though he was smoothing his fine pants suggestively" - rofl. "Rilan applauded the woman’s restraint in not punching him. With those arms, the spindly man would have gone through the bar." - lmao!! There are too many great lines to single out, but "Quirk flinched. “Oh, but the Chanel…" - I mean, just, yes. Fine stuff, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's a real shame that I can't go a Utoob and find the footage of that scrap :O) An excellent addition to the pantheon of RE Fanfic!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted July 3, 2017 Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 I loved it! I'm, er, a bit warm after that fight, and I suppose Quirk was, too! Very nicely done! I also enjoyed the "Oh, but the Chanel!" line! I was wondering how well M would fare in a fight against a majus, and I loved that you wove the Symphony into witchcraft. This means @industrialistDragon is up next!!!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted July 3, 2017 Report Share Posted July 3, 2017 You can ping me all you like, I'm not doing Quirk/Magda fanfiction. >:P 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted July 4, 2017 Report Share Posted July 4, 2017 No one said it had to be those two! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted July 4, 2017 Report Share Posted July 4, 2017 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...I know... Moth, Nicholas and Origon fanfic!!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yuoaman Posted July 4, 2017 Report Share Posted July 4, 2017 Hail and well met, fellow writers! I'm new to the writing group and this will be my first critique, I hope I don't come off as a complete idiot! Now, I don't have any familiarity with previous entries in this sequence, so I apologize if I don't pick up on anything that would be obvious to returning readers! Page 1: -My initial thought is that the title is very attention-grabbing and immediately gets me wondering what I'm getting myself into. -The first two paragraphs set the scene quite well and they ease into the setting very well so it works both as a continuation of past works and as a standalone. Page 2: -The phrase "poured into" a dress is a great mental image. -When Rilan "tuned in" to eavesdrop the magic at work in the story seemed to click for me very easily, the first instance of it was a little obtuse, but the phrasing here is very simple but gets a lot across. -"an ambulatory sponge" is another fantastic mental image. Page 3: -It was really interesting to experience control of the situation being wrested from our viewpoint character in moments the way Quirk did, and it served to really draw me into these new characters very quickly. -"Shiv's knees - The man's suit" - I believe the dash in this passage was intended to be an em-dash like the rest of the text. -The passage about the man's suit lacking bacteria is very well constructed but I have to admit it took me a couple of passes to understand exactly what was being conveyed. Page 4: -Quirk and Magda's short aside concerning breasts made me snort at its suddenness (in a good way). -Just a general note that I really like the flow of the dialogue between these three. Page 5: -The sudden juxtaposition of Quirk bringing up space flight in something I had been reading as exclusive fantasy threw me for a bit of a loop, but I imagine I might have known this if I hadn't just jumped into this tale as I did. Page 7: -The proposed wager also threw me for a loop, but it made perfect sense given how Magda and Quirk have been characterized thus far. Page 8: -Things are proceeding fast enough that it's hard to keep, but I have to admit a wrestling match was not what I was expecting. Page 11: -I'm a big fan of the way you constructed the wrestling scene in general. The frequent quips and news bulletins concerning Quirk keep it from being a simple "She did x, y, and finally z," affair. Page 12: -I appreciate the brief feud between these characters ended amicably because it holds the promise of more banter and inappropriately-timed discussions of breasts. Overall, I had a great deal of fun reading the story and I found myself increasingly drawn in thanks to Rilan's voice and her interactions with Quirk and Magda. The few tantalizing hints of magic and setting were also appreciated and left me hungry for more. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted July 4, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2017 16 hours ago, Robinski said: There are too many great lines to single out, but "Quirk flinched. “Oh, but the Chanel…" - I mean, just, yes. Glad you liked it! I was concerned Quirk would come off as too much. 15 hours ago, kais said: I loved it! I'm, er, a bit warm after that fight, Objective complete! 15 hours ago, kais said: I loved that you wove the Symphony into witchcraft. Oddly, that just popped out automatically. I got to that part and of course Magda would think it was witchcraft! 15 hours ago, industrialistDragon said: I'm not doing Quirk/Magda fanfiction. @industrialistDragon I loved your surprise @kais sent! 4 hours ago, Yuoaman said: The sudden juxtaposition of Quirk bringing up space flight in something I had been reading as exclusive fantasy threw me for a bit of a loop, but I imagine I might have known this if I hadn't just jumped into this tale as I did. @Yuoaman thanks so much for the critique! You came in to the forum at sort of a strange time, when three of us were doing fanfic of each other's stories! Rilan is from my works, Quirk belongs to @Robinski, and Magda is from @kais recent story. Thus the mix of SF and Fantasy. 4 hours ago, Yuoaman said: -I'm a big fan of the way you constructed the wrestling scene in general. The frequent quips and news bulletins concerning Quirk keep it from being a simple "She did x, y, and finally z," affair. Glad you liked it! I like writing fight scenes a lot... 4 hours ago, Yuoaman said: Overall, I had a great deal of fun reading the story and I found myself increasingly drawn in thanks to Rilan's voice and her interactions with Quirk and Magda. The few tantalizing hints of magic and setting were also appreciated and left me hungry for more. Yay! (shameless promotion: if you want to read more about Rilan, I have two novellas out on Amazon featuring her--links down below . I'm doing a promotion soon, so Tuning the Symphony may be free in a couple weeks...) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted July 4, 2017 Report Share Posted July 4, 2017 8 hours ago, Mandamon said: I was concerned Quirk would come off as too much. If I'm honest, I did wince a couple of times as the camp-o-meter went dangerously high to exploding in a puff of smoke but, in this context, it was fine. 12 hours ago, Yuoaman said: I don't have any familiarity with previous entries in this sequence Hey @Yuoaman, welcome to Reading Excuses, great to have you on board. Yes, I do believe you picked the absolute weirdest week ever to critique the submissions. I kind of wish you'd met Quirk in his 'mainstream' incarnation, or even in my own interlude in this increasingly bizarre series of events 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted July 4, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2017 1 hour ago, Robinski said: I did wince a couple of times as the camp-o-meter went dangerously high to exploding in a puff of smoke Yeah, was afraid of that. I think I was seeing Quirk through Rilan's familiarity (and irritation) with Vethis... 1 hour ago, Robinski said: Yes, I do believe you picked the absolute weirdest week ever to critique the submissions. Lol. Absolutely. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yuoaman Posted July 5, 2017 Report Share Posted July 5, 2017 5 hours ago, Robinski said: I kind of wish you'd met Quirk in his 'mainstream' incarnation, or even in my own interlude in this increasingly bizarre series of events Yes, the problem now is that if I ever encounter him when he isn't exclusively talking and/or thinking about breasts I won't even recognize the character. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted July 5, 2017 Report Share Posted July 5, 2017 1 hour ago, Yuoaman said: Yes, the problem now is that if I ever encounter him when he isn't exclusively talking and/or thinking about breasts I won't even recognize the character. Oh, you'll recognise him 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted July 5, 2017 Report Share Posted July 5, 2017 - Rilian and Quirk? This is the crossover I've been waiting to see! - I really like the line "This isn't wresting! This is flailing!" - Overall, really good job getting the character voices done - especially Quirk's. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted July 6, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2017 Thanks @rdpulfer! I got the flailing bit from teaching karate students to spar ;-) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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