Vreeah Posted June 20, 2017 Report Share Posted June 20, 2017 Something short after being gone for awhile. This chapter is a bit of a reunion. It's meant to be a little show of how everyone is feeling, and what Lilium is like. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted June 21, 2017 Report Share Posted June 21, 2017 Hey there. I haven't been reading your submissions, so I don't think I'm getting the full details of the background, but I'll do my best. The idea of being able to hear whispers is super awesome. I'd love to see (or hear?) a bit more imagery in that department. It's super cool that she can detect people's emotions by hearing hearing whispers, but what does it actually sound like? I also wonder what it would do Sofia and Lilium on an emotional level. They could definitely react in a different way, but I think that I would be pretty uncomfortable to listen and feel the raw intensity of other people's emotions. My first impressions were mostly positive. I liked the characters, and if I had a better handle on the PoV (it seemed like Sofia at the beginning but was Lilium for most of it?), I might be able to connect with them at a deep level. I noticed (and this is something I do all the time in my own writing) that the dialogue seemed to overpower some of the descriptions. It felt to me like that when they were talking, characters were describing what they saw to me instead of letting me see through their own eyes, and I wasn't sure if that was the response you wanted. Have a nice day. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted June 21, 2017 Report Share Posted June 21, 2017 This was a cool interlude. I was trying to remember the pieces you've submitted before, but it seems this was changed quite a bit anyway. My biggest problems were similar to @Wisps of Aether. The POV was not very tight, and seemed to switch in the middle. There also wasn't enough description to really know what was going on, especially whether the characters were moving around, and where they were standing. I thought the sound was described pretty well, but then there were some visuals inserted as well, which confused me. Can S only hear things, or does she take a sort of recording as well? Notes while reading: pg 1, 2nd PP: a bit too much description before getting to the action. pg 1: "you're repeating the same mistake that got me killed" --ok, interesting. pg 2: If they're sisters, wouldn't L know that S collects whispers? pg 3: "Hushed murmurs filled L ears." --oh, we're in L's POV? I thought we were in S's. However, I looked back and there's not really an indication either way. pg 4: "Wow, they look so weary" --They can see as well as hear? I thought it was just sounds. pg 4: "They're almost never holding any exams in these memories." --Does L know enough about the memories to tell? She's only just learned about them. pg 4: L rolled her eyes and didn't stop walking." --I thought they were standing still when S put her hands on L's ears. pg 5: "Neat, but that answer was too short for that to be a good question. I get another" --that's...strange. pg 5: "Your answers are terrible. One more" --This doesn't really add much... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted June 21, 2017 Report Share Posted June 21, 2017 - "I'll remember to say hellos when you remember goodbyes" - I like what this line is trying to accomplish, but it feels a bit awkward. - It would have been good to know what Whispers were when Lillium first mentioned them instead of on the second page later. - That said, I like the idea of Whispers quite a lot. - The ending is too abrupt. I like the conversation is supposed to end abruptly, but it would be good to see the character's response as well. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted June 21, 2017 Report Share Posted June 21, 2017 Do I remember this? I don't know if I remember this. This isn't the first chapter, no? Argh, this half-remembered itch is going to bother me, but that's all me and none of the writing. Anyway! Since I don't remember any of what happened before, I'm finding the opening and beginning page or so a little tough to get invested in. "white robes in loose coils" white robes AND in loose coils? Otherwise, I'm confused as to what's coiling, the dress or the roses. I'm really unclear who is being referred to on pg 2. The characters keep saying "they" and "them" and never mentioning anything by name, and I know, it's the not-the-beginning of a thing, but still. A name or a brief description as a reference point for more than a page of referrals wouldn't go amiss. The whispers are really interesting! but again, I had some trouble getting around the way the passages are written. There's some awkward sentence structures and passages that could probably be refined a bit for clarity. I'm not clear quite on what's going on, at this point, either, but I'm not sure how much of that is the way this is written and how much is that i'm pretty sure I've missed the intro chapters. Hmm... I don't think I've read any of this before, thinking on it now. But while i am interested to read more, I can't really get a good handle on the characters from just this bit. it's definitely a middle part rather than a jumping on point and i feel like I'm missing... most of everything I guess. I'll just have to read the next one to see how it goes, i suppose! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted June 22, 2017 Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 Great to see you back on and submitting. Comments. There’s some hard WRS going on and I’m struggling to remember the characters and how they fit together, but put that aside. I found it a little slow getting into the chapter past the description, but the dialogue is good. I like how the two are at issue with one another. Whispers are described beautifully, that bit really drew me in, and I really felt something of Sof’s character, her motivation. “Sof pulled aside her sister's hands and replaced them with her own” – I’m not quite sure what’s happening here., what they were holding or touching. “You know I hate waiting for results” – lol! “Your answers are terrible” – ha-ha. The ending is kind of cryptic and leaves me confused, because I don’t remember well where we got to before. Having said this, that problem, presumably, would be avoided by reading straight through. This short submission reminded me about the things that I enjoyed about this story before, the lightness of tone, the fairy-tale quality of the setting. I also remember that the thing I didn’t feel so well with the chapters I read before was a strong through-line of plot, until the ‘bad lady appeared’ which seemed to be quite far in. I’m totally keen to read more of this story. I do hope you submit more in the future and we get into the conflict proper. <R> 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted June 22, 2017 Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 Always glad to see you around, @Vreeah! Overall I'm...confused? I don't know if it's WRS or something else, but I was missing context for this piece. The whisper collection is a neat idea, but I needed more character grounding. The conversation worked very well for a few pages, but then started to wander. On 6/21/2017 at 7:54 AM, Mandamon said: The POV was not very tight This tripped me up, too. Would love to read more, especially if we got a bit more background and conflict. Keep going! As I go - Sofia has a sister? Did we know that? I feel like I didn't know that - "...when you remember goodbyes" is a great exchange! - page two: who is 'they' and 'them'? - page four: by the end of page four, the dialogue is starting to wander. I'm missing the whys of the conversation 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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