kais Posted June 19, 2017 Report Share Posted June 19, 2017 NC = issues with consent. Not at all sexual, but graphic and disturbing. This chapter now incorporates @Mandamon's edits from his full read through, so if you spot some inconsistencies from previous chapters, it's because we're in version three, baby, and things are getting moved around! Specific question for this chapter is: does S's monologue at the start help you contextualize the issue from last chapter? Does it help put things in perspective? Does it just muddle everything? Also, if you could (and have the time), could you hypothesize on where the end is going from here? I'm trying to make sure I'm on the right track. Thanks everyone! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted June 22, 2017 Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 Spirit house!! (though, it's on the ground? isn't that a little... irreverent? for spirit houses?) Sorin's monologue... It's good, and it does address an issue that's been a theme of the book with some nice analogies, but it doesn't really deal specifically with what went all pear shaped with M in the prev chapter, imo. So in that regard, I guess it sort of fails? At least, I'm assuming you're meaning the monologue at the beginning at the spirit house. If it's another one, it's gone completely over my head and I've missed it (much like that nightgown analogy last chapter. sorry.). It's a very Sorin monologue, though. 2nd-to-last paragraph on pg 1: "I fell to my knees"; 1st paragraph on pg 2 (there's one intervening paragraph between these): "I sagged to my knees" *mentally chopping up wordiness and rearranging awkward sentences next pass next pass la la la* "neither did she dismiss." dismiss what? moms is a real piece of work innt she? oi. >_< "before me spotted in drops of moonlight" this needs a verb I really want to see this unbound guild stuff pop up earlier. if it's coming through all the way to ch16, then I want to know why it's such a big deal that witches and alchemists are unbound. why is it different? why do moms and sorin care? "Thuja seeping across my vision" seeping is usually a slow process, which doesn't seem to fit with the tension here. ". I raked my palms over the tree bark" who's doing the tattooing and who's holding Sorin down? i'm having a hard time figuring out who's where here. also, Sorin's hands were smashed against a tree trunk just a couple paragraphs back, are they still? i guess if W is doing the tattooing then no, but I thought moms had the needle last? in which case, W would still be confining Sorin, and therefore Sorin's hands would be free to react? no? yes? It's a good tense scene, but I keep getting knocked out of it trying to figure out who's where doing what to whom. "bite to the air fell to a chill" i don't understand this line. "the right thing to do, for you" ha! rationalizing much, moms? "My choice had been made." this would be a great end of chapter line. the stuff after would probably fit into an intro to next one pretty well too. I"m missing too many interevening chs to really get a feel for where this is going, but in the short term, i would expect the queen to be all *headpats* "Aw, widdle Sorin thot all this silly billy things, here have some MAJOR PLOT BOMBS to screw up your life some more"; the witches be like "yo these be bestest heel-face turns around, yo!"; and magda will be all "SDFHLDS!2#!@!! I WILL BURN THE WORLD TO FIND U SORRRIIINNN! NOOOOOOO" *dramatic music zoom out shouty pose* but how you're going to tie a bow around all that, i couldn't say. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vreeah Posted June 22, 2017 Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 That was a pretty intense chapter. I'd call it thrilling. I'm glad S caught on to the witch thing with some hindsight instead of drawing that revelation out. I wouldn't say the monologue put anything new into perspective, but that's mostly because I'm already familiar with the subject matter. Instead, I think it's good at showing the frustrations S is wrestling with. It frames S's hopes, fears, and disappointments—since this entire monologue wasn't explained directly to Ma, that means there's hope remaining. If Ma returns and aids in a way that fulfills S's hopes, it'd be a huge emotional payoff. Wild speculation! It's a favorite thing of mine to do, though it'll be a challenge to get anywhere close with only a couple chapters read. The huge emotional payoff of Ma intuitively knowing what S wholeheartedly wants is on the path of a happy ending. Since this is a dark adult fantasy, I'd say this is a hope that's probably meant to be shattered. Sawdust and heat. The card has been drawn, and so I expect to see it in play. An important explosion shall surely grace us. Home sounds like the ground zero. Sa seems likely to live and inherit what is being forced unto S. Since Qu is involved, Ma will be the one standing at the end of that. So, in short, for the ending I expect everyone to converge in the village/town/city that is S's home. An explosion would be a decent way for S to break away from Am, Qu, and the rest. Ma and Sa rejoining S after that feels fitting. They'd have to bring any tools and materials to S that were likely introduced earlier in the story. S's alchemy can come into play with those materials and anything regained at home. S will reject Am. A part of that rejection will include getting an opportunity to magically erase the mark left this chapter, but refusing. Am will likely die, which would be horrifying for S despite everything that has happened. In the aftermath of an explosion, there's going to be a lot of witnesses gathered, so the resolution will be widely known. Sa'll will more than likely have an opportunity to prove his worthiness—probably by utilizing the carpentry that Am looked down upon in this chapter. No idea what parts Ma will play. I wouldn't be surprised if Ma fulfilled S's hopes right before heroically dying in an act that takes out Qu. That'd be a vital turnaround moment. That's about all I can piece together with my current puzzle pieces. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted June 22, 2017 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said: it's on the ground Maybe their spirits live in the ground? 18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said: but it doesn't really deal specifically with what went all pear shaped with M in the prev chapter, imo Good point. Editing. 18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said: I really want to see this unbound guild stuff pop up earlier. I think in this current draft I have managed to pull it out much more. It's on the radar, anyway. 18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said: but I keep getting knocked out of it trying to figure out who's where doing what to whom. KK. Will try to clean up the blocking 18 hours ago, industrialistDragon said: this would be a great end of chapter line Good call! I'll see if I can get the queen stuff moved around. Thank you for the comments!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted June 22, 2017 Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 1 hour ago, kais said: Maybe their spirits live in the ground? isn't that what normal spirit houses do? That the spirits who are in the ground normally get ticked off that you're building on top of them so you make them a spirit house by way of appeasement/apology then massage their egos by putting it up high above yourself so everybody knows they're important? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted June 22, 2017 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 1 hour ago, industrialistDragon said: who are in the ground I always understood them to be just sort of everywhere, not in the ground. Ah well, I had planned on more about the religion in book two, so I can elaborate there! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted June 22, 2017 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2017 15 hours ago, Vreeah said: Instead, I think it's good at showing the frustrations S is wrestling with. It frames S's hopes, fears, and disappointments Oh good! At least it worked somewhat! 15 hours ago, Vreeah said: Sa'll will more than likely have an opportunity to prove his worthiness—probably by utilizing the carpentry that Am looked down upon in this chapter. This is actually a really good plot point that I'd neglected. I need to get Sam more involved. Thank you so much for the feedback, and the postulating! It was very helpful! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted June 23, 2017 Report Share Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) (rubs hands together) The aftermath of the storm, bring it on! “I needed to destroy something” – yes, reaction spot on. “Why couldn’t I be changed” – perfect, love the transmutation through line. “Mother was never affectionate but neither was she dismissive did she dismiss” – suggested for flow. · “To follow. That I was finally going home. -- I awoke, naked, atop a pile of wool blankets” – for me, this transition was uncomfortably sudden. Why not go for a chapter break? That would surprise the reader, because your chapters are fairly consistent, I think – but surprise them in a good way, to echo Sor’s disorientation. I just this switch of location needs a bigger break to be effective, and to completely change the pace. I rattled through the encounter with Mother, but I’m still rattling in the next scene, when I should be brought to an abrupt halt, I think. · “Magic had taken them away, it seemed, this chance to look older and more experienced” – I freakin’ LOVE this somewhat perverse desire to be damaged by previous events, to earn that badge. · “Enchant a broom so we didn’t have to sweep up?” – Lol, Fantasia – The Sorcerer’s Apprentice! Nice · “I hated the way the familiarly familiarity” – I know but still, less easy to spot. · “he had my wrists smashed into the bark” – I would say squashed, or crushed or pinned. Smashed is like a one-off strike, not on ongoing situation – imho. · “My held head fell forward” · Yeah, properly good hook at the end of the chapter, and nice job with the tattooing, the conflict around that, the resistance then the resignation. Part of me still thinks that they didn’t put a woodcutter tattoo on Sor at all, that they’re in the process of forcing the formation of a witches’ guild and that they have branded Sor accordingly, to be revealed to great amazement later, possibly when Sor next is with Magda. Strong chapter – more please. <R> Edited June 23, 2017 by Robinski 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted June 23, 2017 Report Share Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) On 19/06/2017 at 11:17 PM, kais said: does S's monologue at the start help you contextualize the issue from last chapter? Yes. On 19/06/2017 at 11:17 PM, kais said: could you hypothesize on where the end is going from here? I do believe I've had a go at that in my comments above. On 22/06/2017 at 1:05 AM, industrialistDragon said: and it does address an issue that's been a theme of the book with some nice analogies Yeah, I can't help feeling that the very simple statement about the nature of Sor's physiology should be presented much earlier. Edited June 24, 2017 by Robinski 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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