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Robinski

Robinski - 170522 - TMM, Chapters 31-32-33 - 6429 words (LV)

7 posts in this topic

Hey folks,

Well, here it is, the final part of The Mandroid Murder - I hope you find something in it to like!

Most important apart from the usual stuff, of course, is whether I've kept the promises that I've made.

Any comments very much appreciated.

Robinski

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- The sense of urgency is really working in the opening scene, and I love the interplay between Eight and Quirk.

- Is it possible for someone to be greedy with an oxygen unit? I'm not sure I could see the receptionist calling her on it. She might say something more formal, like "Only one per person!"

- The last paragraph of the first chapter seems a bit confusion. What is Quirk fearing the ground won't do when he trails off?

- I like the last interplay between Quirk and Moth - and the Star Trek reference to boot. I'd definitely like to see these characters in another adventure! 

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Excellent - thanks for reading, RD, and I'm glad you feel for the characters. I'll take a look at that paragraph.

I was wondering how you felt about the ending, in terms of the keeping of (so called) promises to the reader. Does Cal's conclusion feel climactic Are you content that you know what happened to him, and is it satisfying? is there anything you feel wasn't wrapped up?

As to the future, I'm 12,500 words into the next story, and helpfully learning my lessons from this one. Give me a couple of months (maybe) and Q&M will be back :D

Thank you so much for reading, and for sticking with me through the whole story - it's really appreciated.

You got any new material in the pipeline?

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Overall, I liked it! This was a fun romp, though it drags a bit in the middle.

I think the immediate conclusion with C works, but the resolution is not as solid. I've said through this that M isn't as strong as I would like. She's very strong at the beginning, but then mostly sits around the last half, and some of her scenes are taken by Ma. The romance, such as it was, between Q and Ma didn't really work for me either. I'm mostly on board with Ma's change of face at the end, but I don't have a lot of connection with her. Would like to see more with M instead.

I've mentioned my thoughts on the very end below, but it feels like there's a chunk missing between Q being in a coma, and Q completely fine with even the poison fixed (while M gets a bum leg?). I want to know how Q got out of the coma, when last we saw, his android was killed. Does he automatically go back to his body? I honestly thought "oh, he must be in another android," when  he shows up at the end.

Notes while reading:

pg 273: "then debris started falling past the big boardroom windows."
--But...if debris is falling past the boardroom, doesn't that mean the dome is already breached?

pg 273: “Sir, breaches to building integrity, two on the top floor, three on next floor. We’re losing air.”
--ok, so I guess the dome has been breached? Maybe it's WRS.

pg 275: "Nobody sues a hero, right?"
--Lol. Also, probably wrong.

pg 275: "I'm going to jump, Schuler. Do it when I shout"
--I thought from the previous page that Q couldn't hear Schuler? Does he have confirmation the other end is paying attention before he jumps?

pg 276: "The NG Channel"
--A bit too topical?

pg 276: "What if he liked being inside Eight and decided to stay there to escape the virus, to escape her?"
--Huh. Good plan. I hadn't thought of that.

pg 276: "She changed her mind, dried her fingers and pressed her lips to Quirk’s forehead then did the same on his hand for luck"
--Aw. that's actually kind of sweet.

pg 277: "Then he was past it, still accelerating"
--whoops. Good tension here.

pg 278: Cool twist, with eight taking up the job.

pg 279: "crush his android host"
--would it crush him, though? It's 1/6 gravity, and he's falling what, 7 or 8 stories? Plus android bodies are more resilient than human ones. Don't have enough data to calculate...

pg 280: "Thank god Galileo was right. The monolith was falling at the same rate as they were, but the absence of any appreciable air resistance meant there was no terminal velocity."
--Maybe I'm not thinking in big enough terms. I feel like terminal velocity is not something that would really come into play with these distances. How high is the dome? how high was the boulder above it?
--Looking it up online, seems like about 15 seconds for a human to get to terminal velocity on Earth (and now a search engine knows I searched for that...). Wouldn't it be more than six times that for the moon (thinking of cumulative acceleration)?

pg 282: "Was it the dome, the building above their heads?"
--missing "or?"

pg 283: "bowl movement"
--Aheh.

pg 285: "a 2,000 metre drop with no terminal velocity."
--Aha! I have numbers now! Also, maybe put this earlier, to give the scale? Maybe you did, and it's WRS, but might bear repeating in the last chapter.

pg 288: Aha. I thought they were going to end up in the same android...

pg 291: Interesting solution, but wouldn't C just jump to another android again?

pg 294: "private detective in a comma"
--coma?

pg 294: “Hey, squirt.” Q sauntered into the living room 
--so, he's not in a coma?

pg 294: "Her consulted his cLife"
--He?

pg 296: "How was I supposed to know my saliva was combining with the vector in your blood to maintain those reactions?”
--eh? This feels like a cop-out...At least want to see this revelation. I was looking forward to this being a running challenge for Q&M

Ending: Hmmm...I expect something more thought-provoking that M cussing at an android? 
I was still a little confused as to how Q got back into his body. At first I thought he was an android, when he came walking in, and his body was still in a coma. Need some more explanation there.

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Hey Mandamon, thank you for reading, and for sticking with the story all the way through - really appreciate that!

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

but the resolution is not as solid

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

feels like there's a chunk missing

Check, I will be taking more careful note of my promises to the reader as I got through so that the resolution snaps more, I hope.

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

The romance, such as it was, between Q and Ma didn't really work for me either

To some degree, it was Quirk being manoeuvred by Dav Pal (through Mary). There was intended to be some lingering affection, but never really a 'great' romance. I'll try and tag that better.

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Would like to see more with M instead.

Yeah, I'm considering inserting a Moth sub-plot. Although I don't really want to make it 90,000 words.

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

if debris is falling past the boardroom - perhaps a disconnect, the line before this one is the arch collapsing. This is intended to be the first signs of dome breach.

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I thought from the previous page that Q couldn't hear Schuler - Geocorp broke into police coms channel in the previous chapter. I'm hoping this is WRS.

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

he's falling what, 7 or 8 stories? - This is something that I changed in Edit #1, from 600m up to 2,000m. The problem is, when I calculated the time it took for the fall, there wasn't enough time for the events/dialogue!! My research seems to confirm that there is no terminal velocity on the Moon, because there is no atmospheric friction to counterbalance the acceleration due to gravity of the object. If Q / S0778 falls for, say 45 seconds, they will reach a speed of 164mph. I think I will put this info in.

17 hours ago, Mandamon said:

and now a search engine knows I searched for that...

Lol :lol: 

18 hours ago, Mandamon said:

but might bear repeating in the last chapter - Yep, agreed.

18 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Aha. I thought they were going to end up in the same android... - Excellent!

18 hours ago, Mandamon said:

but wouldn't C just jump to another android again? - The only other android in the vicinity is the high level military one. I'll hang a bigger lantern on this, maybe have multiple military grade syRen.

18 hours ago, Mandamon said:

This feels like a cop-out...At least want to see this revelation. I was looking forward to this being a running challenge for Q&M - Hmm, I'm going to tag this and see how the other comments play out.

I will look for greater satisfaction in the resolution. I'm calling first draft and will try now to do clever writerly things  to fore-shadow and pay-off better.

Thank you again so very much - really appreciate all the feedback. I will now disappear into a hole for... a month maybe(?) and try to edit the whole thing before seeking some whole beta reads.

:) 

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I can't believe this is the last chapter!

 

Overall

The ending was satisfying, but I got lost on the way there. I'm not sure what happened in the battle scene. I think likely it just needs some polishing and some blocking work. I think I could have been very satisfied with the entire thing, had I been able to more closely follow the action.

 


As I go

- I'd like more from Moth in that opening segment. We only get these brief glimpses of her, and to make the book really work I think there needs to be a decent balance between her and Quirk.

- This thought: Clearly he didn’t like her, was annoyed by her constant presence, frustrated and generally wound up seems out of character for Moth. Sounds more like it came from Quirk.

- the first chapter is confusing to me. A lot of falling that I can't quite seem to wrap my brain around. Falling and fighting? Some of both? A respite in between? I think just some general cleanup would work here. 

- I don't understand this line: There had been times recently she wished she’d been able to do this.

- LOL at the 'Quack's!!

- page 290: I'm confused. Is Quirk directing Callan's droid to attach the soldiers?? Or wait, are they in the same droid?

- pretty sure you mean private detective in a coma, not comma

- unwound her scarF, not scar

- so.... he only needed one dose of her spit? Confused here too

- LOL! I love Moth's interaction with her new droid!

- I think for the ending we need like one more good line or two between Quirk and Moth, to really tie it all up in a bow

- so... how did Quirk survive and not Callan? Maybe something you could put in was how Quirk's consciousness kept slipping back into his body accidentally, so he knew he could 'find home' if needed, but Callan had no such body to return to?

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Hey Kais, welcome back and thanks for the comments. Much appreciated.

12 hours ago, kais said:

I'd like more from Moth in that opening segment

Done.

12 hours ago, kais said:

seems out of character for Moth. Sounds more like it came from Quirk

Agreed and changed up.

12 hours ago, kais said:

general cleanup would work here

Yep, for sure.

12 hours ago, kais said:

I don't understand this line

"There had been times recently she wished she’d been able to do this – stuffing something in his trap to stop his constant blathering."

12 hours ago, kais said:

Or wait, are they in the same droid?

Yes - I need to flag/tag better who is where. I'll do that.

12 hours ago, kais said:

he only needed one dose of her spit? Confused here too

Not exactly. Q had several doses of M's spit over the course of the story, but the intention was that it was a bluff by Toni, and the effect was not long lasting. Q never had another attack after the initial period. I must admit I forget where the last one was; the space elevator? How do you feel about that? Betrayed, tricked? Did you have a different expectation of the spit thing? :) 

12 hours ago, kais said:

we need like one more good line or two between Quirk and Moth, to really tie it all up in a bow

Hmm, okay - let me mull on that.

12 hours ago, kais said:

but Callan had no such body to return to?

Yeah - I do need some explanation in there. I will work on that.

Thanks again - really appreciate your comments over the piece and you sticking with the story. You guys all have really helped me pick this up, and now I'm going to take a mini-break then dive back in with all my notes for Edit #2.

Thank you, @kais; thank you Reading Excuses!! :D 

<R>

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