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Robinski

Robinski - 170515 - TMM, Chapters 28pt-29-30 - 5489 words (LV)

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Hey,

Any comments much appreciated.

R

Chapter 1: On the Moon, Dr. John Mills tests An-con's new tech by putting crippled ex-miner Callan into an android using synaptic mapping.

Chapter 2: Quirk arrives on Earth and travels to Milan, where he puts an envelope in a bin then meets a nice lady. They have tea/coffee. [2,899] – 1

Chapter 3: Orphaned Moth discovers Giulia's task for Uncle Toni and takes it over, then gets an android social-worker from La Madre. [2,692] – 2

Chapter 4: Moth takes the train to Milan in the company of Grimes, leaves him at his hotel and makes the pick-up for Toni. [2,738] – 3

Chapter 5: Quirk is accosted by a cop when walking with La donna. Callan struggles with his situation.

Chapter 6: Grimes meets with Toni and enacts the plot to kill the Capo. [3,394] – 4

Chapter 7: Quirk meets with Toni and signs up to look after Moth. [2,911] – 5

Chapter 8: Quirk and Moth go to the convent and are accosted. S-778 saves the day, but actually doesn’t. Quirk messages PPF. [3,878] – 6

Chapter 9:  Callan’s struggles continue. Quirk, Moth and S-0778 go to the spaceport and buy a plane ticket.

Chapter 10: Quirk, Moth and S-0778 are on an airplane. Callan’s situation deteriorates. [5,038] – 7

Chapter 11: Quirk, Moth and S-0778 board the space elevator and start the journey up.

Chapter 12: Another interview between Callan and Mills. Quirk wakes up on the space elevator having an attack.

Chapter 13: Quirk discusses the case with Moth and 778. More of Moth and Quirk’s nerve chaffing. They arrive at GS1. [5,063] – 8

Chapter 14: Another Callan / Mills interview. Callan kills Mills.

Chapter 15: Quirk, Moth and Eight transit from GS1 to the Moon. Moth talks him into taking her to meet the lawyer from PPF.

Chapter 16: Quirk, Moth and Eight arrive at LV. Quirk and Moth meet and are briefed by Mary Q of PPF. [4,555] – 9

Chapter 17: The briefing with Mary concludes. Quirk meets with Heinrich Schuler of An-con. Callan walks the streets of Luna.

Chapter 18: Callan kills again. Quirk, Moth and Eight do some detecting. Quirk and Moth search Mills’ apartment with Mary. [4,901] – 10

Chapter 19: Callan makes a discovery at the Bureau of Information. Quirk and Mary return to the apartment, get frisky and get arrested.

Chapter 20: Quirk is questioned by cops, then talks with Mary before revealing the fictitious drug plot to the cops. [4,780] – 11

Chapter 21: Callan researches the Geo. board. Popescu takes Quirk and Mary to speak to the An-con board.

Chapter 22: Callan swaps droids, but encounters a problem. This doesn’t dampen his rage however. Quirk, Pop and the An-con board have a chat.

Chapter 23: The board meeting concludes with Popescu agreeing to let Quirk help. Callan travels to the Chinese Sector. [5,125] – 12

Chapter 24: Quirk and Mertens track the sub-200 series droids. Quirk shouts at Moth, Mary takes her side.

Chapter 25: Callan makes plans. Quirk and Mary talk. Callan enacts his plans. [5,212] – 13

Chapter 26: Callan steals a surface vehicle.

Chapter 27: The cops are prepping to go out after the ‘rogue droid’. Androcon blackmails Quirk to put him into S-0778.

Chapter 28: Callan attacks the compound. Mandroid Quirk joins the police squad leaving the dome. [5,264] – 14 Callan defeats the miners.

Chapter 29: UNP pursue the ‘rogue droid’. Quirk struggles being in Eight’s ‘head’. Callan climbs the crater wall, nearing his goal.

Chapter 30: Moth and Mary return to Androcon. UNP with S-0778/Quirk engage Callan who fights back. [5,438] – 15

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The latter part of this was better than the initial. I felt, especially after the action in the last submission, this slowed down for a bit, before speeding back up. M continues to not really be useful. I'd like to see her to something to help the plot, though maybe that's coming.

Interested to see what happens next week, after the (literal) cliffhanger!

pg 247: sprinted -> sprinting

pg 248: "He recognised Batra’s voice although the miners all looked the same in their suits and helmets; as did the androids, also uniformed, but queerly unprotected in Luna’s pitiful atmosphere."
--confusing: are the androids in suits or not?

pg 248: "Even dialling up the android’s sensors, he was unable to hear anything"
--because of lack of atmosphere? turning up the volume won't help, and C should be aware of that.

pg 248: "but he heard nothing. It was surreal."
--Again, if this is only because of lack of atmo, C should be used to this, having worked on the moon.

pg 251: "The sudden onset of volume was shocking"
--what sudden onset?

pg 252: the recapping slows things down a bit.

pg 254: yeah, this whole section with Q doesn't really add much except he's disoriented. Especially this near to the end of the book, every sentence should count.

pg 255: also not a lot of movement from M. She's been sort of useless for the last few chapters. And what was the nickname for Ma? Might be WRS.

pg 259: There's a lot of movement, but not much happening, in this chapter. Everyone is milling around, C is moving, and Q is trying to remember, but there's no actual action that progresses the plot.

pg 260: "“The first fragments have impacted the dome"
--fragments of what? Something C is digging up?

pg 261: Ah. I guess he is. Could be set up better.

pg 262: "What then for him? Callan realised that he had not thought about it."
--really? Does he even care at this point?

pg 265: "Eight’s fingers curled hard into the handholds"
--what handholds? I thought they were climbing up a mound on the moon? Are the climbing on the dome?

pg 268: the last bit of blocking here is a little confusing. Hard to imagine where Q is, exactly.

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- Callan's fight with Batra and his crew is a little too short. I think it needs to be closer, more intense.

- I love Quirk and Eight's exchange, but I think it could still use some dialogue tags. Usually you can tell one from another, but they both have an understated sarcasm that makes it hard to distinguish without tags.

- I like when Quirk and Eight finally catch up to Callan, and the stakes are raised.

- It's a good section, but I think it could use a little trimming. I expect Quirk and Callan to start their tussle a little sooner.  

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Thanks for the comments, RD, much appreciated.

I've worked on punching up the fight with Barta's men - good point, spot on. Also reviewed the tags. I'll consider trimming in the next full edit.

Thanks again for reading. One more post to come!! :) 

** I'll flag now to you and @Mandamon that the last one is 6,300 words - is that going to be okay? I guess if there are no other subs it's still a light week ;) 

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4 hours ago, Robinski said:

the last one is 6,300 words - is that going to be okay? I guess if there are no other subs it's still a light week

Go for it. I'd rather finish up the story!

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My feeling exactly!

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Many thanks for the comments, Mandamon.

--confusing: are the androids in suits or not? They are, but they don't have or need helmets, I'll try and tidy up.

--because of lack of atmosphere? turning up the volume won't help - Good point; deleted.

--And what was the nickname for Ma? Might be WRS. - Bandy legs; although Moth only thinks it here, she did say it in front of Mary earlier. I'll bet on WRS and see how my next complete beta read goes.

-- There's a lot of movement, but not much happening... - Take your point. There's been mixed reaction to this section. I might need a bigger sample :o)

--really? Does he even care at this point? - Perhaps not.

--what handholds? - Just as in placed in the rock to grip.

Super comments once more. Much appreciated - thank you!

R

 

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