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Robinski

Robinski - 170515 - TMM, Chapters 28pt-29-30 - 5489 words (LV)

7 posts in this topic

Hey,

Any comments much appreciated.

R

Edited by Robinski
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The latter part of this was better than the initial. I felt, especially after the action in the last submission, this slowed down for a bit, before speeding back up. M continues to not really be useful. I'd like to see her to something to help the plot, though maybe that's coming.

Interested to see what happens next week, after the (literal) cliffhanger!

pg 247: sprinted -> sprinting

pg 248: "He recognised Batra’s voice although the miners all looked the same in their suits and helmets; as did the androids, also uniformed, but queerly unprotected in Luna’s pitiful atmosphere."
--confusing: are the androids in suits or not?

pg 248: "Even dialling up the android’s sensors, he was unable to hear anything"
--because of lack of atmosphere? turning up the volume won't help, and C should be aware of that.

pg 248: "but he heard nothing. It was surreal."
--Again, if this is only because of lack of atmo, C should be used to this, having worked on the moon.

pg 251: "The sudden onset of volume was shocking"
--what sudden onset?

pg 252: the recapping slows things down a bit.

pg 254: yeah, this whole section with Q doesn't really add much except he's disoriented. Especially this near to the end of the book, every sentence should count.

pg 255: also not a lot of movement from M. She's been sort of useless for the last few chapters. And what was the nickname for Ma? Might be WRS.

pg 259: There's a lot of movement, but not much happening, in this chapter. Everyone is milling around, C is moving, and Q is trying to remember, but there's no actual action that progresses the plot.

pg 260: "“The first fragments have impacted the dome"
--fragments of what? Something C is digging up?

pg 261: Ah. I guess he is. Could be set up better.

pg 262: "What then for him? Callan realised that he had not thought about it."
--really? Does he even care at this point?

pg 265: "Eight’s fingers curled hard into the handholds"
--what handholds? I thought they were climbing up a mound on the moon? Are the climbing on the dome?

pg 268: the last bit of blocking here is a little confusing. Hard to imagine where Q is, exactly.

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- Callan's fight with Batra and his crew is a little too short. I think it needs to be closer, more intense.

- I love Quirk and Eight's exchange, but I think it could still use some dialogue tags. Usually you can tell one from another, but they both have an understated sarcasm that makes it hard to distinguish without tags.

- I like when Quirk and Eight finally catch up to Callan, and the stakes are raised.

- It's a good section, but I think it could use a little trimming. I expect Quirk and Callan to start their tussle a little sooner.  

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Thanks for the comments, RD, much appreciated.

I've worked on punching up the fight with Barta's men - good point, spot on. Also reviewed the tags. I'll consider trimming in the next full edit.

Thanks again for reading. One more post to come!! :) 

** I'll flag now to you and @Mandamon that the last one is 6,300 words - is that going to be okay? I guess if there are no other subs it's still a light week ;) 

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4 hours ago, Robinski said:

the last one is 6,300 words - is that going to be okay? I guess if there are no other subs it's still a light week

Go for it. I'd rather finish up the story!

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My feeling exactly!

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Many thanks for the comments, Mandamon.

--confusing: are the androids in suits or not? They are, but they don't have or need helmets, I'll try and tidy up.

--because of lack of atmosphere? turning up the volume won't help - Good point; deleted.

--And what was the nickname for Ma? Might be WRS. - Bandy legs; although Moth only thinks it here, she did say it in front of Mary earlier. I'll bet on WRS and see how my next complete beta read goes.

-- There's a lot of movement, but not much happening... - Take your point. There's been mixed reaction to this section. I might need a bigger sample :o)

--really? Does he even care at this point? - Perhaps not.

--what handholds? - Just as in placed in the rock to grip.

Super comments once more. Much appreciated - thank you!

R

 

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