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Robinski

Robinski - 170508 - TMM, Chapter 26-27-28pt - 5307 words (LV)

5 posts in this topic

Here's the latest section, only two more to go after this.

As usual, any comment that you care to make are gratefully accepted.

<R>

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Not a whole lot of comments this time. I enjoyed this submission--things are rolling along, and the use of eight is surprising yet inevitable. There are some good action sequences from C. The corporate folks might be a little too heartlessly evil? Hard to tell any more.


pg 225: The description of the dustcrete wall slows down the start of the chapter

pg 227: "He slammed the heavy cylinder into the reaching droid’s head, then turned it over and fired it."
--Unclear. Fired what?

pg 227: "only slight aware"
--slightly

pg 227: "careful not to throw the rock, which would mess up his trajectory."
--Probably just choosing not to throw it. "Careful" sounds like C might accidentally throw it.

pg 230: "pullng"
--pulling

pg 230: "The less time it spends in this environment, the lower the risk, however small, of mould spores gaining access to the low-level fibres."
--Lol

pg 231: "Call me Mr. Q, I think.” 
--why now?

pg 231: The revelation about Evelyn could, I think, be punched up a bit. Set here, in the midst of everything else, it's more a statement than anything. I feel like it should have more impact.

pg 232: "Monster dies in the end with a single teardrop falling down its cheek because it just wanted to be loved."
--great line.

pg 233: some excess lines that could be cut or clarified to help the pace:
"We’re convinced."
"thought she *actually* looked *quite* worried"
"This had become real very rapidly. They hadn’t even been here a day."

pg 234: Paulson might be a bit too cold and moustache-twirling, but then, my evil scale has been badly calibrated for about 6 months.

pg 234: "He looked at M. “It’s going to be okay, kid. Eight will look after you and the UNP have plans for this sort of thing."
--Was M worried? did she say anything to give that indication? She is worried as a reaction, but not before that.

pg 235: "We could use your droid though,” he nodded toward S-0778."
--Oh. I have a bad feeling about this.

pg 236, top. P refers to eight as "him" then later the android driver is  "it." Just wondering at consistency.

pg 238: ". “You’re going to put him in the droid? It’s a high serial number, how do you get him in, but how do you get him out again? And what’s the point?”
--Unclear here which droid Ma is talking about. Is she talking about Q going in a C coming out, or what?

pg 238: "He wanted to ask Paulson how his chronograph could tell time on the Moon"
---because the springs don't work well in gravity?

pg 239: "But not on the Merrion. Sorry about this M.”
--very confused about this until I realized a few pp later they were shaving his head and he didn't want hair on the suit.  I guess the shirt is fine?

pg 239: "At least one person in this room wants you to come back, two if you count M, which I think you can.”
--never really bought into there being any feelings between Ma and Q. Their's seemed more a match of convenience. 

pg 244: "knap"
--nap?

pg 245: "how crowded the streets"
-were.

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- Good to see Callan is frustrated - it means he's not completely in control either.

- The details about Qurik's previous marriage do seem to come a little out of nowhere.

- I like the character interaction - particularly between Eight and Quirk in the end of the middle chapter - but I'm hoping we see some action soon too as this keeps building.

- Looks like I got my wish in the very next chapter. Curious to see where this is going next. 

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On 09/05/2017 at 5:29 PM, rdpulfer said:

- Good to see Callan is frustrated - it means he's not completely in control either.

- The details about Qurik's previous marriage do seem to come a little out of nowhere.

- I like the character interaction - particularly between Eight and Quirk in the end of the middle chapter - but I'm hoping we see some action soon too as this keeps building.

- Looks like I got my wish in the very next chapter. Curious to see where this is going next. 

Hey RD, thanks for reading - comments much appreciated.

I'm glad there is a sense of building and you're feeling the action to some extent. Note what you say about the marriage stuff and take your point on that.

Only two more subs to go. Starting to get nervous about how well the story delivers on promises :unsure:

Thanks so much for reading :) 

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Hey, thanks for reading Mandamon - comments greatly appreciated.

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

The corporate folks might be a little too heartlessly evil? Hard to tell any more. - Hmm, yes - I'll look out for that in the next edit.

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

The description of the dustcrete wall slows down the start of the chapter - Fair point - I expect I'll drop the detail.

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

"He slammed the heavy cylinder into the reaching droid’s head, then turned it over and fired it." --Unclear. Fired what? - The fire extinguisher. Have tidy up how it might behave on the Moon.

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

"Call me Mr. Q, I think.” --why now? - Good question. I think I'll hang a lantern on it.

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

The revelation about Evelyn could, I think, be punched up a bit. Set here, in the midst of everything else, it's more a statement than anything. I feel like it should have more impact. - Good point; I'll do just that.

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

my evil scale has been badly calibrated for about 6 months - Err, quite...

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

Was M worried? did she say anything to give that indication? She is worried as a reaction, but not before that. - I tried to give that impression. Have edited.

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

Oh. I have a bad feeling about this. - Excellent!!

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

---because the springs don't work well in gravity? - edited, as are previous points of order.

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

I realized a few pp later they were shaving his head and he didn't want hair on the suit.  I guess the shirt is fine? - Yeah; I've edited the reference.

On 09/05/2017 at 8:59 AM, Mandamon said:

--never really bought into there being any feelings between Ma and Q. Their's seemed more a match of convenience. - Okay, I'll consider this in the edit.

Great stuff - thank you. Some good edits there ands a couple of things to mull over. Very helpful, as ever.

:) 

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