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Robinski

Robinski - 170501 - TMM, Chapter 24 and 25 - 5290 words (L)

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Hello All,

Attached is the 13th and latest instalment of The Mandroid Murder. Running slightly over the 5,000 words - sorry about that. Nothing special if you have time to read, just the usual stuff. There are some ongoing issues which I need to resolve in the next edit, but I don't mind if you mention them again, Whatever strikes you as worthy of comment is fine by me.

Best, Robinski

 

Chapter 1: On the Moon, Dr. John Mills tests An-con's new tech by putting crippled ex-miner Callan into an android using synaptic mapping.

Chapter 2: Quirk arrives on Earth and travels to Milan, where he puts an envelope in a bin then meets a nice lady. They have tea/coffee. [2,899] – 1 

Chapter 3: Orphaned Moth discovers Giulia's task for Uncle Toni and takes it over, then gets an android social-worker from La Madre. [2,692] – 2

Chapter 4: Moth takes the train to Milan in the company of Grimes, leaves him at his hotel and makes the pick-up for Toni. [2,738] – 3 

Chapter 5: Quirk is accosted by a cop when walking with La donna. Callan struggles with his situation. 

Chapter 6: Grimes meets with Toni and enacts the plot to kill the Capo. [3,394] – 4 

Chapter 7: Quirk meets with Toni and signs up to look after Moth. [2,911] – 5 

Chapter 8: Quirk and Moth go to the convent and are accosted. S-778 saves the day, but actually doesn’t. Quirk messages PPF. [3,878] – 6 

Chapter 9:  Callan’s struggles continue. Quirk, Moth and S-0778 go to the spaceport and buy a plane ticket.

Chapter 10: Quirk, Moth and S-0778 are on an airplane. Callan’s situation deteriorates. [5,038] – 7 

Chapter 11: Quirk, Moth and S-0778 board the space elevator and start the journey up.

Chapter 12: Another interview between Callan and Mills. Quirk wakes up on the space elevator having an attack.

Chapter 13: Quirk discusses the case with Moth and 778. More of Moth and Quirk’s nerve chaffing. They arrive at GS1. [5,063] – 8 

Chapter 14: Another Callan / Mills interview. Callan kills Mills. 

Chapter 15: Quirk, Moth and Eight transit from GS1 to the Moon. Moth talks him into taking her to meet the lawyer from PPF. 

Chapter 16: Quirk, Moth and Eight arrive at LV. Quirk and Moth meet and are briefed by Mary Q of PPF. [4,555] – 9

Chapter 17: The briefing with Mary concludes. Quirk meets with Heinrich Schuler of An-con. Callan walks the streets of Luna.

Chapter 18: Callan kills again. Quirk, Moth and Eight do some detecting. Quirk and Moth search Mills’ apartment with Mary. [4,901] – 10

Chapter 19: Callan makes a discovery at the Bureau of Information. Quirk and Mary return to the apartment, get frisky and get arrested.

Chapter 20: Quirk is questioned by cops, then talks with Mary before revealing the fictitious drug plot to the cops. [4,780] – 11

Chapter 21: Callan researches the Geo. board. Popescu takes Quirk and Mary to speak to the An-con board.

Chapter 22: Callan swaps droids, but encounters a problem. This doesn’t dampen his rage however. Quirk, Pop and the An-con board have a chat.

Chapter 23: The board meeting concludes with Popescu agreeing to let Quirk help. Callan travels to the Chinese Sector. [5,125] – 12

Edited by Robinski
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I'm feeling the plot start to wind up, and still enjoying the story. Have a little trouble with the deception of Q working with the investigator and what exactly the company's aims are. I think clearing up the description in the last submission will help.

M has been pretty much absent for the latter half of the story. She waltzes on stage for a few minutes here and there, and I enjoy the Q&M banter, but Q basically puts her back in her room after that. She almost seems redundant with Ma (down to even the same starting letter), minus the sexual connotations. Since she's been out of the picture so much, Q's blowup in this submissions seems very sudden. 

The Cal section at the end is relaxing, and I like that he finds some measure of peace while waiting, but he also seems a lot more mental stable than the last entry. Seems sort of inconsistent.


Notes While reading:
pg 205: a lot of this comes as narrator voice, rather than Q POV.

pg 207: "They should call you Cliché.”
--lol

pg 207: Which is the young operative? You say there's two, and then only have one of them doing things (I think). 

pg 208: Getting confused with the parenthesised operatives. Not sure if they're supposed to be different, or different descriptors for the same person, or what.

pg 209: “That must be a week,” 
--What's a week? The android was standing around for a week? I think we need some more blocking of what the androids are doing.

pg 209: “And no, it’s going around in circles. It’s just one day.”
--that makes more sense, but don't know why Q would think it was a week.

pg 210: I like that Q and M are back to bickering, but that blowup is sudden! Q hasn't done that to her before. 

pg 211: "He moves too quietly to be straight."
--Eh?

pg 213: “I was away less than an hour,” whispered Ma., “but it seems to have been long enough for you to mess this up.”
--Still not sold on the corporation sending Q out as a diversion. Seems any competent investigator, especially one that already knew what was happening, would start turning up evidence like this.

pg 214: "whose voice suddenly close to his ear made Quirk start a little."
--well, she must not be straight either... ;-)

pg 217: "when to break away from the inspection party, and how to get to the Geocorp yard and depository"
--Ah, this is why C is leaving the dome. Might need to make this clearer earlier.

pg 220: The Q/Ma banter is better than last time, leading to later relations...

pg 221: "He reached for the lapel of the Merrion then to pat its pockets, but the suit wasn’t there. That was the moment when he’d left her. "
--not completely following this.

pg 225: "Two of the big expedition trucks peeled away to the west towards the crater wall, but they turned east."
--*Then* turned east?

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- I'm glad someone finally called out the Sherlock Holmes quote as cliche. 

- I'm not sure I buy Moth's reaction to Quirk blowing up at her.

- I also love the line "I'm a lawyer. I can get a cat anywhere." 

- Nice two chapters, but the last segment with Callan could have ended a bit more stronger or ominous. Saying he needs to take control didn't really tell me much. 

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Hey Mandamon, thanks for commenting - very helpful, as always.

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

I think clearing up the description in the last submission will help.

Yeah, I've totally got 'clarification' in big letters in my edit notes for Round 2.

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

Q basically puts her back in her room after that

There are good practical/logical reasons for this, I feel, but they do not necessarily help the story. A young girl in a potentially dangerous, unfamiliar situation, used to doing what she's told by adults (although not necessarily agreeing with it). But, I take your point. Potentially, I could give M a side plot for a chapter. It would stretch the word count, but that's hardly a huge issue, since I'm at 71,000 in total, so hardly mammoth.

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

comes as narrator voice

I've made a pass at correcting this.

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

You say there's two, and then only have one of them doing things

I've changed that to one.

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

What's a week?

I've have edited - "That’s thick enough to be a week"

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

Eh?

Deleted - cheap shot.

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

but that blowup is sudden!

I'v embellished a bit to highlight Q feeling the stressed and aching and generally fed up.

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

Still not sold on the corporation sending Q out as a diversion. Seems any competent investigator, especially one that already knew what was happening, would start turning up evidence like this.

Yeah - I've got this flagged for a tidy-up / rejig in Round 2.

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

Ah, this is why C is leaving the dome. Might need to make this clearer earlier.

I was aiming for this to be a (cool) reveal, but maybe need more hints earlier in relation to what C might be planning.

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

not completely following this.

Have adjusted. His patting of the Merrion, in his mind, is associated with the moment he left his wife. There's more background to this, which is not revealed in this story. It still needs to hang together as the various references in this story of course, so I'm glad you're picking me up on it, as appropriate!

On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said:

but they turned east

Edited - 'but their vehicle turned east.' - It's a split up of the convoy and C is going the wrong way. Unclear, yes. Might need mother editing than this.

Thank you so much for those comments. Some good changes even before I get into the deeper stuff. Much appreciated :) 

<R>

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Hey RD, thanks so much for reading.

On 02/05/2017 at 4:47 PM, rdpulfer said:

love the line "I'm a lawyer. I can get a cat anywhere."

It's one of my own favourites, possibly most favourite in the story - always makes me chuckle to myself :) 

On 02/05/2017 at 4:47 PM, rdpulfer said:

I'm not sure I buy Moth's reaction to Quirk blowing up at her

I've inserted the following: "Quirk glanced at Moth as she planted herself, arms crossed, in the first row of the banked seats. She looked like she wanted to beat him to death with the first thing she could lift."

On 02/05/2017 at 4:47 PM, rdpulfer said:

last segment with Callan could have ended a bit more stronger or ominous. Saying he needs to take control didn't really tell me much.

I will try an alternative to punch that up a bit. Thanks for that. 

Comments much appreciated :) 

<R>

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