Robinski Posted May 1, 2017 Report Share Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) Hello All, Attached is the 13th and latest instalment of The Mandroid Murder. Running slightly over the 5,000 words - sorry about that. Nothing special if you have time to read, just the usual stuff. There are some ongoing issues which I need to resolve in the next edit, but I don't mind if you mention them again, Whatever strikes you as worthy of comment is fine by me. Best, Robinski Edited December 29, 2017 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted May 1, 2017 Report Share Posted May 1, 2017 I'm feeling the plot start to wind up, and still enjoying the story. Have a little trouble with the deception of Q working with the investigator and what exactly the company's aims are. I think clearing up the description in the last submission will help. M has been pretty much absent for the latter half of the story. She waltzes on stage for a few minutes here and there, and I enjoy the Q&M banter, but Q basically puts her back in her room after that. She almost seems redundant with Ma (down to even the same starting letter), minus the sexual connotations. Since she's been out of the picture so much, Q's blowup in this submissions seems very sudden. The Cal section at the end is relaxing, and I like that he finds some measure of peace while waiting, but he also seems a lot more mental stable than the last entry. Seems sort of inconsistent. Notes While reading: pg 205: a lot of this comes as narrator voice, rather than Q POV. pg 207: "They should call you Cliché.” --lol pg 207: Which is the young operative? You say there's two, and then only have one of them doing things (I think). pg 208: Getting confused with the parenthesised operatives. Not sure if they're supposed to be different, or different descriptors for the same person, or what. pg 209: “That must be a week,” --What's a week? The android was standing around for a week? I think we need some more blocking of what the androids are doing. pg 209: “And no, it’s going around in circles. It’s just one day.” --that makes more sense, but don't know why Q would think it was a week. pg 210: I like that Q and M are back to bickering, but that blowup is sudden! Q hasn't done that to her before. pg 211: "He moves too quietly to be straight." --Eh? pg 213: “I was away less than an hour,” whispered Ma., “but it seems to have been long enough for you to mess this up.” --Still not sold on the corporation sending Q out as a diversion. Seems any competent investigator, especially one that already knew what was happening, would start turning up evidence like this. pg 214: "whose voice suddenly close to his ear made Quirk start a little." --well, she must not be straight either... ;-) pg 217: "when to break away from the inspection party, and how to get to the Geocorp yard and depository" --Ah, this is why C is leaving the dome. Might need to make this clearer earlier. pg 220: The Q/Ma banter is better than last time, leading to later relations... pg 221: "He reached for the lapel of the Merrion then to pat its pockets, but the suit wasn’t there. That was the moment when he’d left her. " --not completely following this. pg 225: "Two of the big expedition trucks peeled away to the west towards the crater wall, but they turned east." --*Then* turned east? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted May 2, 2017 Report Share Posted May 2, 2017 - I'm glad someone finally called out the Sherlock Holmes quote as cliche. - I'm not sure I buy Moth's reaction to Quirk blowing up at her. - I also love the line "I'm a lawyer. I can get a cat anywhere." - Nice two chapters, but the last segment with Callan could have ended a bit more stronger or ominous. Saying he needs to take control didn't really tell me much. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted May 4, 2017 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2017 Hey Mandamon, thanks for commenting - very helpful, as always. On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: I think clearing up the description in the last submission will help. Yeah, I've totally got 'clarification' in big letters in my edit notes for Round 2. On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: Q basically puts her back in her room after that There are good practical/logical reasons for this, I feel, but they do not necessarily help the story. A young girl in a potentially dangerous, unfamiliar situation, used to doing what she's told by adults (although not necessarily agreeing with it). But, I take your point. Potentially, I could give M a side plot for a chapter. It would stretch the word count, but that's hardly a huge issue, since I'm at 71,000 in total, so hardly mammoth. On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: comes as narrator voice I've made a pass at correcting this. On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: You say there's two, and then only have one of them doing things I've changed that to one. On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: What's a week? I've have edited - "That’s thick enough to be a week" On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: Eh? Deleted - cheap shot. On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: but that blowup is sudden! I'v embellished a bit to highlight Q feeling the stressed and aching and generally fed up. On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: Still not sold on the corporation sending Q out as a diversion. Seems any competent investigator, especially one that already knew what was happening, would start turning up evidence like this. Yeah - I've got this flagged for a tidy-up / rejig in Round 2. On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: Ah, this is why C is leaving the dome. Might need to make this clearer earlier. I was aiming for this to be a (cool) reveal, but maybe need more hints earlier in relation to what C might be planning. On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: not completely following this. Have adjusted. His patting of the Merrion, in his mind, is associated with the moment he left his wife. There's more background to this, which is not revealed in this story. It still needs to hang together as the various references in this story of course, so I'm glad you're picking me up on it, as appropriate! On 01/05/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mandamon said: but they turned east Edited - 'but their vehicle turned east.' - It's a split up of the convoy and C is going the wrong way. Unclear, yes. Might need mother editing than this. Thank you so much for those comments. Some good changes even before I get into the deeper stuff. Much appreciated <R> 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted May 4, 2017 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2017 Hey RD, thanks so much for reading. On 02/05/2017 at 4:47 PM, rdpulfer said: love the line "I'm a lawyer. I can get a cat anywhere." It's one of my own favourites, possibly most favourite in the story - always makes me chuckle to myself On 02/05/2017 at 4:47 PM, rdpulfer said: I'm not sure I buy Moth's reaction to Quirk blowing up at her I've inserted the following: "Quirk glanced at Moth as she planted herself, arms crossed, in the first row of the banked seats. She looked like she wanted to beat him to death with the first thing she could lift." On 02/05/2017 at 4:47 PM, rdpulfer said: last segment with Callan could have ended a bit more stronger or ominous. Saying he needs to take control didn't really tell me much. I will try an alternative to punch that up a bit. Thanks for that. Comments much appreciated <R> 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.