Robinski Posted April 17, 2017 Report Share Posted April 17, 2017 (edited) Dear all, Many thanks of reading if you have the opportunity and all comments most welcome. I've flagged with a 'D', because there is mention of drugs, but there is no actual drug-taking. Many thanks, Robinski Edited December 29, 2017 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted April 18, 2017 Report Share Posted April 18, 2017 Overall Good pacing and good meat to the story. Good progression. I got lost at the end with a few too many turns. Also I think you should move the android motivations earlier on and expound upon them some. Nice work! As I go - page 162: we're just now getting backstory on the android, and motivations. I think this should have come a lot earlier. Like, chapter two or three. - page 164: I'm not sure I'm understanding. The company moved operations to the moon so they wouldn't be under as strict of laws about employee safety? Is that right? - 164: I think Callahan's descent to death machine is too sudden. I'm not buying his motivations. It might be worth it to introduce parts of this chapter much earlier, and then show him progressively getting more and more violent, until he gets to this 'kill them all with fire' point. - 168: Suave Quirk has left the building? He's irritating Mary, and that seems... again, not the Quirk we first met - 169: What is the comment about calming down about? It comes off really patronizing without context - 170: wait what? Mary has given no outward signs of liking Quirk at all, and I think he insulted her a page ago. They're just going to boink now? *disbelief* - 171: Wouldn't Quirk call them 'panties' or 'lingerie' or something kind of fancy, noting his love of clothing and women? Knickers seems like an off word choice here - 173: the foundation quip work, although Quirk notes they are both wearing suits, but doesn't give details. I thought he was into suits? - 175: personality between our android murdered and Quirk sort of blends together this page - 179: my head is spinning from too much plot too fast, I think. I'm a lot lost - 180: why did the cops go so quickly from interrogation to help? Also lost here 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle of the Forest Path Posted April 18, 2017 Report Share Posted April 18, 2017 From the content tags I was expecting something more... psychedelic. These chapters were a fun read, but there are some things that are inconsistent (or just weird developments) with the previous material. C.'s character development doesn't really track for me, I agree with Kais that the progression into full-on killbot is rather rapid. He also switched from "crazed sex robot" to "vengeful homicidal crusader" in the space of a single chapter, which is more serious IMO. The OCD traits are also a strange addition. Ma. suddenly jumping Q. came out of nowhere, it needs better foreshadowing and/or more reasons than "but there’s no one I’ve been able to open up to.” p161 "He walked the female-shaped android in", that would technically make it a gynoid. p162 "...occupied by androids charging," I think "charging androids" would be better. p164 "...just another GC flunky, screwing all they could from him." This phrasing would mean Mi. was the one doing the screwing. p169 "bright, blue overshoes", no comma I think, since bright refers to blue and not to shoe. p170 Nice twist with the cops. I immediately thought the same thing as Q. (The lawyer screwed me! And not in the way I was expecting.) p172-173 so is Me. supposed to be French or Dutch? From the name and ‘slimmerick’ I'd say Dutch, but why throw in a 'Monsieur' then? p174 "I'm not that good an actress.” so is she a bad actress telling the truth, or such a good actress that she can make Q. believe she's a bad actress. I guess we'll find out by the end of the book. p176 "so he’s a good seven hours ahead of us." plus 12 days IIRC. I'm looking forward to the next installment, which is normal, but usually it's (mainly) because I like your writing style, now I'm also wondering how the new elements I currently consider odd are important/necessary to the story. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted April 18, 2017 Report Share Posted April 18, 2017 Similar thoughts to @kais and @Eagle of the Forest Path on this one. I was confused in several parts. These chapters seemed very jumpy, for some reason. I didn't always follow the logic, and I'm still very confused at Ma. propositioning Q. C's character continues to elude me as well. Do you have his particular mental issues pinned down? Right now they read as all over the place. Interested to see what happens with the cops, but I think this section needs to be shored up a little to make sure the plot is heading in one direction. pg 161: "He came to a shop opposite which, along a wood-effect wall, were ten fold-down chairs three of which were occupied by androids charging, their violet eyes dull, staring straight ahead. " --had to read this sentence several times. pg 162: "He only just now saw the scale of it" --Actually seeing it, or thinking it? He is searching on the internet... pg 165: "Unless, unless, unless… Unless there was a better way" --This is a 180 turnaround from what C was just thinking. Seemed like he was intent on killing people. pg 166/167: Not completely following the reasoning with the numbers and what Q is missing. pg 170: “I’ve been on the Moon a long time..., but there’s no one I’ve been able to open up to.” --Eh? This is weird. I can only assume Ma. is trying to get him arrested? Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't see through it. pg 175: “Calm down, Q, sort your head out. You think I did that?" --So Ma. actually came on to him that awkwardly in the middle of a crime scene? Really? pg 176: the dialogue here is getting pretty explainy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted April 18, 2017 Report Share Posted April 18, 2017 - It might be good to go into some detail about how Callan had "fun" dressing the female android. It doesn't require too much description, but right now it seems kind of vague. - I like the twist at the end of the first chapter. - Accusing Quirk of not being the hero of the story seems a little too on the nose. - The procedural bit of what follows is interesting enough, if a little exposition heavy. Looking forward to seeing where this going though now that the plot is kicking into high gear. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted April 18, 2017 Report Share Posted April 18, 2017 Add my vote to the "this is confusing" pile... Callahan continues to underwhelm. Here we have him doing M & Q's investigation work, and being exceedingly dull about it. Why is this info better served through C than it would be for Q&M to discover it? If it's available from public websurfing (also, an entire chapter of websurfing and infodumping is not particularly interesting. Q&M would at least have some banter around all of this), then literally ANYONE could serve these plot points to the reader. Callahan is not compelling, his journey is uninteresting, and I feel nothing for him but growing disgust. I once again question his inclusion as a POV character, since he is actively hurting your primary plot. Why do I care what Q&M are doing to chase him down? I-as-a-reader already know where C is and what he's doing, why he's doing it, and how he's going to get it done. Every C chapter since the reveal makes Q&M more superfluous. Since I assume C is not your recurring series regular (it's not C's Big Body Count under the main title after all), what is the purpose of putting us so far in his head and letting him sabotage the momentum of your main characters? "said S-0778 softly " first sentence is a run-on "which left no fingerprints" the bag or the android? "full complement of war paint" ... "with a little light gilding" these phrases do not agree with each other. "war paint" when referring to makeup tends to imply heavy application (my dictionary says "elaborate or excessively applied makeup." for war-paint), but "little light" seems to belie that (the gilding the lily reference is referring to her natural beauty and not the makeup). So is she in full-on cake or just a 5-minute face? Okay.. that's random. That's super random and weird. Did I somehow miss ANY kind of come-on with lady lawyer in the previous chapter? 'cause that's super strip-the-gears-and-grind-the-plot-to-a-screeching-halt random. I mean, I wasn't very clear on the investigations to begin with (and as a high-volume consumer of police procedurals, it's not often I get derailed by even shaky investigations) and then random sex and then... left turn to random town? I feel like pointless travel is the only through-line these chapters have at the moment. Also, where's M? She's got to have gotten in to something with all this time spent alone... Why is Q arrested now? This is a bit of WRS, but what the heck is going on around the investigation that he's getting the cops from Gravity Falls on his case? From what I can tell, he's done very little investigating at all, having left most of it to the villainous McGuffin. And then the cops're flip-flopping like summer thong shoe? I am really confused. Overall, these chapters feel very uneven. In pacing, I don't know what i'm supposed to be interested in or where the plot is going (or even if it's going anywhere) and I'm confused as to what's being played for laughs and just isn't funny, and what's supposed to be tense and serious and just comes off as silly. I don't have a clear sense of how much time has passed or where all the players are on the field, even when time and location are mentioned. The only thing steady about Q at the moment is how much he's vacillating in characterization and tone. It's like you're aiming for one thing, but subconsciously you're really writing towards another. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 19, 2017 Author Report Share Posted April 19, 2017 Hey @Kais, thank you for reading. I'm glad you're feeling the pacing working now - just need to sort out that travel in some way! On 18/04/2017 at 4:10 AM, kais said: I think this should have come a lot earlier. Like, chapter two or three. Yeah, I'm reluctant to move the whole scene, but I see the need for trailing these issues much earlier. Will do. On 18/04/2017 at 4:10 AM, kais said: moved operations to the moon so they wouldn't be under as strict of laws about employee safety? Is that right? Yup. Nasty old company (boo, hiss). On 18/04/2017 at 4:10 AM, kais said: I think Callahan's descent to death machine is too sudden. Fair comment - I will seek to do that. On 18/04/2017 at 4:10 AM, kais said: not the Quirk we first met I'm on it. On 18/04/2017 at 4:10 AM, kais said: It comes off really patronizing Edited. On 18/04/2017 at 4:10 AM, kais said: Knickers seems like an off word choice I was going for, well quirky, I suppose. I'm going to change it. On 18/04/2017 at 4:10 AM, kais said: I thought he was into suits? I added "Both detectives were wearing suits, so bad that Quirk couldn’t identify the tailor." On 18/04/2017 at 4:10 AM, kais said: too much plot too fast, I think. I'm a lot lost I'll work on softening that. On 18/04/2017 at 4:10 AM, kais said: why did the cops go so quickly from interrogation to help? That wasn't my intention - edited to show that Pop doubts Quirk is telling the truth. Comments very much appreciated, thank you Kais 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 19, 2017 Author Report Share Posted April 19, 2017 Hey Eagle, thanks for reading - much appreciated. On 18/04/2017 at 9:29 AM, Eagle of the Forest Path said: technically make it a gynoid Hmm, I need to think on that. On 18/04/2017 at 9:29 AM, Eagle of the Forest Path said: bright, blue overshoes", no comma I think, since bright refers to blue and not to shoe Nice catch On 18/04/2017 at 9:29 AM, Eagle of the Forest Path said: but why throw in a 'Monsieur' then Heh - well, I was heading towards him being Belgian, but Flemish is like the only language not included in G**gle translate - so, it ended up a bit of the jumble. I've swapped 'monsieur' out and introduced 'meneer', making him Dutch. On 18/04/2017 at 9:29 AM, Eagle of the Forest Path said: I'm looking forward to the next installment, which is normal, but usually it's (mainly) because I like your writing style, now I'm also wondering how the new elements I currently consider odd are important/necessary to the story. Err, great! I think... Thanks for the comments, they totally helped tidy some stuff up. <R> 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle of the Forest Path Posted April 20, 2017 Report Share Posted April 20, 2017 7 hours ago, Robinski said: Heh - well, I was heading towards him being Belgian, but Flemish is like the only language not included in G**gle translate - so, it ended up a bit of the jumble. I've swapped 'monsieur' out and introduced 'meneer', making him Dutch. Ah, I'm Belgian, and I have to admit Flemish is not actually a distinct language. It's basically Dutch, really. It's sort of like the difference between British English and American English. So "Dutch" on G**gle translate works for either nationality. Most people are bilingual (Dutch-French) to some degree, but it's very rare to find someone who'd address you as "monsieur" and then add commentary in Dutch (unless you're having a conversation in French, in that case the Dutch might be backtalk the French-speaker is not meant to understand). If you decide to go back to the Belgian route, here's a speech tic I hear rather often from other Flemish people when speaking English: a lot of us add "eh" to the end of every (or every other) sentence. Drives me nuts when I hear it, but it might add that authentic "chocolates, waffles, and chips" flavour to the character. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 20, 2017 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2017 1 hour ago, Eagle of the Forest Path said: a lot of us add "eh" to the end of every (or every other) sentence. Drives me nuts when I hear it, but it might add that authentic "chocolates, waffles, and chips" flavour to the character Hey, thanks Eagle - that's really helpful. The addition of 'eh' might be problematic though, that's such a Canadian stereotype, and my wife is Canadian, so it would tend to cause... issues for my beta reader!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 20, 2017 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2017 Hey, thanks for reading, Man - much appreciated. On 18/04/2017 at 8:29 PM, Mandamon said: Do you have his particular mental issues pinned down? I do not, and that's lazy on my part. It would be glib to say that 'all over the place' is what I was going for. I need to give it more thought. Duly tagged. On 18/04/2017 at 8:29 PM, Mandamon said: had to read this sentence several times Err - yes, that's messed up. Edited. On 18/04/2017 at 8:29 PM, Mandamon said: Unless, unless, unless… Unless there was a better way" --This is a 180 turnaround from what C was just thinking Really just meant a better way of exacting revenge. On 18/04/2017 at 8:29 PM, Mandamon said: Not completely following the reasoning with the numbers and what Q is missing Supplemented a little. On 18/04/2017 at 8:29 PM, Mandamon said: I can only assume Ma. is trying to get him arrested? Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't see through it I've added a soupçon of scepticism on Q's part - just a hint. Those are really helpful comments, thank you. Serval changes made and yet more notes for Edit No.2!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle of the Forest Path Posted April 20, 2017 Report Share Posted April 20, 2017 1 hour ago, Robinski said: Hey, thanks Eagle - that's really helpful. The addition of 'eh' might be problematic though, that's such a Canadian stereotype, and my wife is Canadian, so it would tend to cause... issues for my beta reader!! I see, it's not quite the same 'eh' though. Our version sounds more like 'meh' without the m. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 21, 2017 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2017 Hey RD, thanks for reading, much appreciated. On 19/04/2017 at 0:12 AM, rdpulfer said: Accusing Quirk of not being the hero of the story seems a little too on the nose. Hah, this was a fairly direct reference to WE commenting about how villains usually are the heroes in their heads. Maybe too direct - I'll think on it. On 19/04/2017 at 0:12 AM, rdpulfer said: if a little exposition heavy Yeah, I'm going to review that in the next edit; it's been flagged a lot. I'm glad there are things that work. Your use of the term 'high gear' is very encouraging Many thanks for the comments. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 21, 2017 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2017 (edited) Thank you for reading, Dragon - much appreciated, some good challenging comments here! On 19/04/2017 at 0:19 AM, industrialistDragon said: Why is this info better served through C than it would be for Q&M to discover it? I'm not sure why Q&M would discover the Geocorp stuff, as they aren't investigating them. On 19/04/2017 at 0:19 AM, industrialistDragon said: what is the purpose of putting us so far in his head and letting him sabotage the momentum of your main characters? I'll need to mull on this. Q's motivation, to large extent, is do a job a get paid, so he is removed from the primary source of the motivation at the moment, although there is the threat of some kind of action against him if this or that happens. I do need to work on Q's reactions to just about everything. On 19/04/2017 at 0:19 AM, industrialistDragon said: "which left no fingerprints" the bag or the android? The droid - fixed. On 19/04/2017 at 0:19 AM, industrialistDragon said: So is she in full-on cake or just a 5-minute face? Edited - thanks, good point. On 19/04/2017 at 0:19 AM, industrialistDragon said: Why is Q arrested now? Yes, this is a hole - I need to fix this. On 19/04/2017 at 0:19 AM, industrialistDragon said: what the heck is going on around the investigation that he's getting the cops from Gravity Falls on his case? Lol - I'm not familiar with their work, but thanks for the link On 19/04/2017 at 0:19 AM, industrialistDragon said: Overall, these chapters feel very uneven. Yeah - I have quite a bit to do. All I can do is call first draft. Thanks for these comments, ID; really helpful to set my focus. Edited April 21, 2017 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.