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20170410 - The Seeds of Dissolution - Ch7 Pt2 - Mandamon - 4800


Mandamon

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Hello all,
This week is the rest of Ch 7--new stuff, and we get to meet some new characters.

Previously:
Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole.
Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien.
Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam.
Ch4: Sam, on magic meds, sees the Imperium with Origon and Rilan. They dodge a protest against the maji and ride a tram to the Spire of the Maji.
Ch5: Sam discovers how big the universe is and how far he is from home.
Ch6: Origon argues with the Council about the Drains, and gets Sam as an apprentice.
Ch7 Pt1: Rilan also gets an apprentice, unexpectedly.

Looking for:
-Is Sam's POV keeping your interest?
-How does Rilan/ Ori's interaction read?
-Anything else you see

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Another good chapter.

No problems with Sam's POV, apart from the time he's supposed to have spent in the Nether. You say it's his second day, but from some of his thoughts/comments it seems like he's been there longer.

R. vs. O. is reading a bit strained, but that's likely intentional.

The "frowning upon invaders from another house" is a bit reminiscent of White Tower politics from WoT. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's pretty hard to avoid in settings like this. Just thought I'd mention it.

"Most Traditional Servants", great sect name.

p4 "...here more than ever." Now more than ever?

p4 " “Drains,” he insisted." Imagining this made me chuckle.

p5 "F. only has a few years..." Do you use both "cycles" and "years"? Is there a difference? (and if so, do you explain it anywhere?)

 

I hope to read more soon.

 

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Wow. I jumped into the story this chapter, and I'm glad that I did. It's hard for me to find anything to say other than general praise and encouragement. :) I tried to look for things to critique and proceeded to get caught up in the awesomeness of the narrative and forget about critiquing. Hopefully, that's a good sign. :) 

I love how Ori describes the meditative practice with music as a science. It forces me to challenge my own assumptions while bringing a new perspective that makes a lot of sense. I love reading about how people from different cultures see the same events/ideas in different ways. Speaking of which, I love the different perspectives that Sam and Rilan bring, especially when talking about Origon. It's clear that they both see him in different ways, and I got a really good sense of his character by viewing him from two separate viewpoints. When I write different characters, they all say the same sorts of things. :( 

And then Sam's conversation with Eros and her brother+friend was especially nice. How old is Sam? I really felt like I connected with his teenage insecurity, but it would be a bit awkward if he were actually older (not the character being awkward, but I would have to change the picture of him in my mind). You did a really good job of making Sam's chat with Eros feel important to him even if the others view it as a casual meeting. Now I really want things to go well for him. :) 

As you can probably tell, I am now super invested in this story, so I think that you did everything in this chapter quite nicely. If I had to critique anything (and this is pretty minor), it would be that the first paragraph didn't really grab my attention. The description is quite necessary, but it didn't really feel like I was in Sam's head at the moment as much as I could have been. I... er... have no real idea for how I would improve it, and I did see afterwards that this is the second part of a chapter, so maybe readers at this point don't need a super personal introduction to the scene. 

I'm looking forward to the next chapter. :D Between your and @Robinski's stories, I'm starting to think that I should read more sci-fi.

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Overall

Well, I thought this was lovely! Much smoother than the last time I read it, and with the exception of a few places mentioned below, it flows well and I am engaged. Nice work!

~

Questions
-Is Sam's POV keeping your interest?

It is this chapter! He's adorable!


-How does Rilan/ Ori's interaction read?

Better than before. The explanation of their relationship pulls them together in my mind, and that really helps.

~
 

 

As I go

- the first paragraph is clunky. I think it might need a few more sentences to even it out. Sort of jumps around to three completely different areas per sentence and I'm not sure how they tie together

Both sets of clothes were repellant, in different ways. <-- I love this

- page two: The 'Sam meets a girl' scene is much better now!

- page two: I don't think councillor should be capitalized... I think? Like, when used as an address, sure, but you have 'the Councillor', which is a job so not a proper noun

- page three: the explanation of euthanasia is also better!

- page four: Without it, we are little more than ten planets, floating alone.”  This is a theme I would love to see explored more. What does the nether really mean to the species who use it? What does it do to this unique set of civilizations if they are cut off from one another?

- page four: If Rilan is going to muse about what first drew her to Origon, it'd be nice to also have a "and then they'd grown apart because..."

- page five: ah, I see there is a bit more about the relationship here. Better. My question has been answered

- page six: purple wood be fancy. I approve.

- the name repetition Sam gives on page seven is really useful

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Comments.

  • “most of the day took place” – the day pretty much happens everywhere, I'm thinking ‘was spent’ would sound more natural.

  • I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of penthouse – apartment on the top floor.

  • Meal still twitching – lol

  • “Both sets of clothes were repellant” – Unless I'm missing something, these are individual items of clothing, neither is a set on its own.

  • “A short girl, about his age with shoulder-length black hair” – otherwise it sounds like the hair is his age.

  • “He showed the opening to the councilor’s apprentice” – he showed her the open pouch, or just the pouch, surely – we already know it’s open.

  • ”Members from one house frowned upon invaders from another” – this throws me. They’ve visited each other before without that level of hassle, have they not?

  • “back toward the vomit-inducing” – lol. Instant migraine is usually my reaction.

  • “Ori made a rude noise.” – Lol, great example of tell-don’t-show.

  • “with advances in medicine and by the House of Healing”

  • “The inhabitants of Sath Home were historically prone” – genetically?

  • “it had become religious many cycles ago” – I feel like this phrase short-changes the significance, compared to something like ‘enshrined in popular religion’. I think something that significant deserves a bigger, more portentous flag.

  • “someone had to do it” – So Ril. Nice characterisation.

  • “while this Arid rice paper flaps in the wind” – nice phrase.

  • “They clomped down the first set of stairs” – Eh? She just stopped above him on the stairs – confused.

  • “tranquility was bleeding away like dew in the sun” – but the sun causes the dew to evaporate.

  • “I see no house colors between us, so that will make things easier” – I don’t know that this is saying.

None of the chapters, so far, are quick reading. They are dense with world-building information, which is great if you like that sort of thing. I come and go depending on my mood. I enjoyed the second half more, being in the company of ‘new people’. I guess another thing about the slow build is that the pacing of some chapters is pretty flat.

For me, this was a good length, then I remembered that there was a first part to it. Shorter chapters at least would mean the reader felt a sense of progress, and world-building information upload would maybe feel more graduated. Then again, that’s easy for me to say; I don’t know if more chapter breaks would work.

In summary, while I enjoyed the submission, I do yearn for more pace, and more use of the Symphony, whish there has been very little of.

<R>

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On 11/04/2017 at 5:30 PM, Wisps of Aether said:

When I write different characters, they all say the same sorts of things. :(

Try imagining them as movie characters, like say Al Pacino in a scene with Kristen Wiig, or Jeremy Irons and Melissa McCarthy - just as a mechanism to get different tones and voices. Beware of colloquial ticks - use with caution, unless you want all your characters to sound like leprechauns ;)  Remember the reader projects a certain amount onto characters anyway, so you don't need to go too strong on voice. I thought your piece was good. I'm looking forward to you submitting something else.

On 11/04/2017 at 5:30 PM, Wisps of Aether said:

Between your and @Robinski's stories, I'm starting to think that I should read more sci-fi.

Well that's a great compliment, thank you. I can't promise that the rest of SF is as good as @Mandamon and me though :lol:  

Edited by Robinski
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Thanks everyone - great feedback!

On 4/10/2017 at 7:59 AM, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

No problems with Sam's POV, apart from the time he's supposed to have spent in the Nether. You say it's his second day, but from some of his thoughts/comments it seems like he's been there longer.

@Eagle of the Forest Path he originally was, so I'll try to correct this.

On 4/10/2017 at 7:59 AM, Eagle of the Forest Path said:

p5 "F. only has a few years..." Do you use both "cycles" and "years"? Is there a difference? (and if so, do you explain it anywhere?)

Ugh--I try to catch these. Cycles are Nether "years" standard for everyone. Years are specific to planets, and used by Sam, who doesn't know better. No, I haven't explained it ;-)

 

Thanks for the comments, @Wisps of Aether, and glad you're invested. That's a good sign. Sam is 17-18, so I think you're getting the right impression of his age.

5 hours ago, Robinski said:
On 4/11/2017 at 0:30 PM, Wisps of Aether said:

Between your and @Robinski's stories, I'm starting to think that I should read more sci-fi.

Well that's a great compliment, thank you. I can't promise that the rest of SF is as good as @Mandamon and me though :lol:  

Lol--I can think of a few that might rival the two of us...

 

Thanks for reading again @kais! Glad it's smoother. The "Councilor" thing is another perennial problem. Trying to catch all those as i read through. 

 

@Robinski - good catches. I will fix those sections today.

5 hours ago, Robinski said:

I do yearn for more pace, and more use of the Symphony, whish there has been very little of

In this version, a lot of the early Symphony description got pushed back. I'd like to have  more of it as well, so I'll see if I can fit it in. There's definitely a lot more in the second half. Pacing is also quite a bit different than what you read several years ago, with changes to Sam's character. I'll probably leave it for the next edit, to see how the whole thing looks when I finish this draft.

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This is mostly a RAEBNC. I just don't feel like I have the background in this story necessary to get into it as deeply as I should to give you substantial feedback.

 

R seems like she's being a little hard on O this chapter. Last time had me thinking they either parted amicably or were in a long distance relationship that just atrophied with time. this chapter is making me reconsider. 

 

""around his watch tight enough" decently sure it's "tightly" though adverbial phrases throw me off sometimes 

 

"bleeding away like dew in the sun" Dew doesn't really bleed...


"twice his high, " height

 

"their house color and their personal color" the dyer's guild must weild so. Much. Power. here.  How often do prankster apprentices magic tunics to rivals' colors? I am envisioning so much and many shenanigans...

 

"Sam caught that que " cue.

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Thanks, @industrialistDragon!

12 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

"Sam caught that que " cue.

I just cannot spell that word...

 

12 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

Last time had me thinking they either parted amicably or were in a long distance relationship that just atrophied with time

Eh--it's mostly this, some animosity. There's more on this in another few chapters

 

12 hours ago, industrialistDragon said:

How often do prankster apprentices magic tunics to rivals' colors? I am envisioning so much and many shenanigans...

Now you've got me thinking about (another) spin off novella...

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